My heart just breaks

This was a song that we had sung at our wedding. It isn't your typical wedding song but I felt really strong about this song. Marriage is not an easy thing and this conveyed the message I wanted my groom to hear. Boy I never knew how much this song has been the anthem of our marriage. We went thru the loss of a baby, several operations and illnesses of mine and three kiddos each with difficulties of their own and now Gary's Cancer. By any ones standards the last 15 years has been chock filled with soldering on both our parts.

When you are a soldier I will be your shield
I will go with you into the battlefield
And when the arrows start to fly
Take my hand and hold on tight
I will be your shield, 'cause I know how it feels
When you are a soldier

When you're tired from running
I will cheer you on
Look beside you and you'll see you're not alone
And when your strength is all but gone
I'll carry you until you're strong
And I will be your shield 'cause I know how it feels
When you're a soldier

BRIDGE
I will be the one you can cry your songs to
My eyes will share your tears
And I'll be your friend if you win
Or if you're defeated
Whenever you need me I will be here

When you're lost in darkness I will hold the light
I will help you find your way through the night
I'll remind you of the truth
And keep the flame alive in you
And I will be your shield
'Cause I know how it feels





Tonight Gary felt really bad, worse than before and he looked at me with tears in his eyes not knowing if he can fight this anymore. If the radiation stopped on Tuesday I think fight would be there but the doctors make it very clear that there will most likely need to be more radiation treatments. So you feel like that light at the end of the tunnel truly is an on coming train.

How do I hold his arms up in this fight all the time helping the girls deal with this each of who are struggling with this in different ways and home school and keep the house and grocery shop and make dinner how do I do this how can I be there for everyone and not loose my mind I can tell you our hair is growing greyer by the minute. I cant tell you how much I love that man in the other room. If you will, will you take a moment to pray for this family. Each person is having such a tough time dealing with this whole cancer thing and my poor sweet husband is in such pain it hurts my heart to see him suffer so much.

Lord please be with this family we need your strength and help to get thru this toughest trial we have ever faced.

Are we home yet?

Have you ever been on a trip, let's say in this case, a bad trip, and you're heading home. You want so bad to be home and it's hundreds of miles away. Those hundreds of miles can sometimes seem to melt away with home getting closer, but sometimes those last 10 miles or so can seem like FOREVER! That's the way I feel right now.

Medical bill follow up

Talked to doctors office today. There is something they do that isn't always covered but they told me when it's not they write it off and never bill the patient! Shew! That is like 3 grand wow thank you Lord for awsome oncologists.

The Other side of Cancer-medical bills

I am going with Gary tomorrow to his radiation apt not just to be with him when he sees the doc but to also ask the office about these statements from the inscurance company stating that for EVERY radiation apt he has had ,and that will be 25, we owe between 2500 and 3000 dollars per visit. Please oh please tell me that is not right. We have all ready shelled out thousands of dollars(don't get me wrong if it would heal him I would sell everything I owned) between doctor visits, procedures and medications. It is all needed stuff so I would never not do any of it but there should be something that says when you are in a battle for your very life doctors cant harass you. You know kinda like if they don't carry thru on their side of the deal (making him well) we don't have to pay them :) that sounds good to me. It is just another stressor in an all ready stress filled time.


Lord help us totally and completely put our trust in you for everything and I mean everything

It has been a loooooong weekend. Gary slept the majority of it :(. Monday week we will have the final radiation session for know. They made it very clear that the battle has just begun. Now we are dealing with Annie's thyroid. She went to her check up today and they were not happy with what they saw and they said they want her back in two months and then they will discuss other options if her thyroid has not shrunk dramatically. I am praying that in two months her thyroid will be totally normal. I tell you I am worn out this has truly been a marathon. We start family support group in a month and that will be invaluable for the kids. They try to be strong but every once in a while one will break down and ask us "if daddy is going to die and if he does what will happen to us". Handling those moments just about kills me. All I can say is that somehow we will make it and be all right. There has to be a breakthrough some time here. My strength is wavering:(

please God help us to run and not grow faint and help us to mount up on wings like eagles.

Radiation Rollercoaster

Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were amazing I had my old Gary back. He helped me around the house he was awake had fun with me and the kids and even went to church with me. Thursday the feeling good came crashing down. Thursday he slept most of the day and Friday he hurt and ached so bad he wanted to sleep but couldn't get comfortable. It was so nice to have him back to his his old self this week he hadn't felt that good for months I almost forgot about Bob Fitzgerald (see former post). He has 7 more days of radiation then I pray we will have more days when that spark of life is in his eye, not seeing it there breaks my heart.
Lord help guard my heart and my mind from worry and help me to be the wife that Gary needs.

Been an okay week!!!!!!

I am so thrilled to say after the crappy weekend in Savannah that the rest of the week has been OK. Gary has looked pretty good this week the nurse who gives him the radiation even commented on the sparkle in is eyes that hasn't been there for a while. He was in bad shape last night because he ate some fried food that didn't sit well with him. This radiation has messed him up on eating sort of a forced bulimia is how he puts it. I just finished the application for our family to be given a Orlando Disney vacation. This organization is sort of like a grown up make a wish which is sort of depressing but Merry has been praying for us to get a real vacation to just be together and if this could help answer her prayers so be it :). Eight more days of radiation at least this round they told us there may need to be more rounds. Three weeks till Gary and I go back to Tampa for two days and hopefully 6 weeks till Disney (the dates we requested for the vacation daddy's birthday). I am thankful for a couple of guys from church who came out this week to mow and clean up our yard we have a really pretty yard again I am so thrilled :) Poor Gary hasn't felt up to doing the yard in a long time because of his hip originally and now because of treatments and several months of not being able to work in our yard and 17 pine trees well you can imagine the mess.
We are so grateful for friends and family who are walking this journey with us we truly could not do this without your support. There have been more times than I care to admit that I have been about to mentally crack when someone would pop up on facebook chat at just the right time or offer a hug or just be there at just the right time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for us we love you.

Savannah Busted - cancer strikes again :(

The weekend started off tough the original plan was to take the kids with us this weekend and while I was in a confrence for work. Gary was not up to dealing with the children all weekend so we made plans for then to stay with parents and we were going to be back sunday night and all would be well. Well saterdays confrence was good and we even got some take out and had a nice evening. Unfortunatly at like 5 am the nausea and diareaha started again and after he got to the hotel from taking me to the confrence he added throwing up to his day. We ended up having to stay another night in savannah and he has been strugling all night between throwing up and being stuck on the potty. We are a little more then halfway thru radiation and I sure cannot wait for it to be over. When he was just gettting his hip radiated he was ok when they added the spine they shot the radiation thru his abdomen and he has been toast ever since. I guess I should have not pressed coming to this confrence but it was required for my job and all I really wanted was just a break!!!! I guess the break isnt going to come for Gary or I any time soon. If things were intermitent and you had time to recover things could be tolerated but for the last 6 months things have come fast and furious with NO break inbetween and I think Gary and I are reaching our breaking point I dont know how much longer we can go with out some bit of a respit in problems. It seems if Gary is feeling good something happens some where else. so I simply say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lord help me retain my sanity in this dessert season and Lord help us have some break in the dessert some time soon PLEASE!!!

Radiation Sucks!!!!!!

Okay tomorrow will be day 13 for radiation. I feel so bad for Gary he just cannot shake the sickies. He has been falling asleep earlier and earlier and just now I heard the side door fly open as he ran out to get sick. Seven more days of this heck for him and it may only be the beginning of the radiation. I feel so helpless to help him . So I am doing the only thing I can asking you all to pray that the side effects of this radiation will be minimized and the effects on the cancer will be maximized.

Halfway Point

Today marks the halfway point with Gary's radiation. It has been a very long journey up to this point. Sickness started about a week into the radiation and now on top of the radiation sickness we all have picked up a stomach bug. Last night I had a fever that peeked at 103.5 and woke up this morning to our eldest throwing up all over her room. Fun Fun !!
I have really enjoyed having Gary home this past 2 weeks we have had a lot of very special moments. We have 10 days left of this radiation then in three weeks we will be going to Tampa for another doctors apt to discuss further options and to see how the radiation did.
Everyday is a challenge to keep fighting for Gary. It is so hard to see him struggle with this horrible disease. Everyone thinks Cancer is a disease of the body but it is even more a disease of the mind. You have to wake up every morning choosing to fight and not let this disease win. It is so hard when you feel so bad. I have been very proud of him even when he feels bad he will see little things that we desperatly need him for and his resolves grows. He tried to explain the computer program he wrote to do our finances the other day and I looked at him and told him "Hellloooo you cant die cause heck if I will EVER understand this stupid thing".
I am not stupid I know what the statistics are for his cancer but I also know the God who made Gary and who is so far above all earthly doctors.
When I was going thru some pretty bad medical issues a few years ago I worried that I would not make it thru all the issues I was facing and I fervantly prayed and what God told me suprised me. He told me when it was my time to die that I may not like it but I would be at peace with the idea of going to heaven,and as long as I am not at peace with it then its not my time. That is what I told Gary and what I tell anyone else facing a horrilbe disease. God is not going to take you kicking and screaming to heaven when it is your time you will have a peace that passes all understanding. There is no Biblical basis for this just experience when facing my own mortality.
In the battle we are in I remind Gary of that and I remind him of the word God gave us about Merry when she was born, That she would bring us joy in our old age and well last time I looked 40 was not old!!!! And when we started this battle God told us that Gary would dance at Merrys wedding. So we hold fast onto the words of God and NOT look toward any earthly thing and believe in faith for Gary to be healed. We rejoice with another gentleman that had Garys type of Cancer who was given a clean bill of health after they said his end was drawing near(Gary will blog about him latter its a cool story) and we claim the letters to be spoken over Gary and our friends with Cancer the letters are "N*E*D" NO EVIDANCE OF DISEASE Lord may that day come soon!!!!

Trust

"Trust" why are these the hardest 5 letters in the English language. I found myself this week with a stress headache for two days worrying about how we will make it if Gary goes on disability, worried about paying for hotel rooms for 2 up coming trips (one business and one doctor ), worried about Cassie's school and making sure we do what we have to do to keep her teacher off my back and last night our car boiled over and we had to eat dinner at the MacDonald's parking lot to wait for it to cool down before we drove home. God made a way with work for now (shew) but all the other stuff is still weighing so heavily on my mind. Last night I got ticked at myself why do I continue to worry to the point of migraines. Maybe if God had never provided anything for us before I could worry but lately this blog isn't long enough to hold the unexpected blessings God has poured out on us. It truly has been a "provisionpaloza" lately. So last night as I sat in my room thinking about all this I wrote out our immediate needs and put on a note on the computer and decided I will do the natural and allow God to do the supernatural. I will think about the day we got our family portrait done and how I sat and cried looking at the rain and for the hour we were getting our portrait done the skies were a glorious blue. So if God cares enough to roll the clouds back for us to get our portrait than I have nothing to fear. The Bible tells us not to worry God clothed the birds and the Flowers (big time paraphrase) how much more does He care for us.
Oh Lord of blue skies and blue birds thank you so much for always being a wonderful father and thank you for constantly surprising us with new ways you tell us "I LOVE YOU".

Stressing out BIG time

I have to admit I am stressing so much today. It is hard enough to be there for everyone who needs encouraged, we call it "talked off the ledge". Be there to help the kids with their schooling maintain a home and feed people(if it wasn't for my mother I shutter to think what condition my house would be in) sort girl scout cookies and do ten million other things that go into my day. Today Gary had a call from his boss suggesting that he go on short term disability or take family medical leave. Disability would lower is income by half and family medical leave would mean no income at all. I have no real job skills to speak of. I have been a mom for 13 years I could go out and kill myself 80 hours a week and still not come close to the salary Gary makes. I guess the stress comes from my security if we have no money I cant feed my children and I cant pay our mortgage and keep our lights on. I guess this is a lesson about trusting God for everything and I mean everything. I have no reason to doubt God's provision His grace has poured out on us so much but I am really scared how are we going to do this how are we going to make it thru. Gary needs the work break to concentrate on healing I know leave will be the best and right thing for him and us but I don't know how we will pay our mortgage. I guess we have given God another chance to work a miracle.

Lord help me to learn to trust you completely and totally and know that you see when a sparrow falls you will see our need and meet it. Thank You Jehovah Jirah

For just such a time as this

¹⁴ For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”
(Esther 4:14, New King James Version)

Through my ordeal with my neuroendocrine cancer, I have befriended another man who also has the same type of cancer. The main difference is that his developed in his lungs not his bones. He had to have radical surgery to remove one of the lobes of his lungs but was doing very well. When we last spoke in December, he was very upbeat about his prognosis with the cancer and encouraging me that all would be well.

The last month or so has been hectic and we lost touch. I felt the Lord strongly urge me to call him today, so I looked him up and gave him a call. I was not prepared for what he told me.

He said shortly after we talked in December, he started to develop what he thought was pneumonia. The doctors prescribed antibiotics, but nothing seemed to help. He finally contacted Moffitt and the same doctor's office I am going to, and they ordered a new octreatide scan, as they were concerned that the cancer may have recurred and spread. He had the scans last week and the preliminary results do not look good. He still has some follow up, but he and the doctors fear the worse. He said the doctors have prepared him for the prospect that the cancer has spread and that he may not have much time left.

This was such a shock. How quickly things changed. A few months ago, he was doing better and looking forward to the future. Today, he is facing death and trying his best just to keep his head above water. He is a Christian and has been praying for me daily. He has assured me of his eternity with the Lord, so that is not a concernI felt very guilty that, although I have prayed for him, it has not been as regularly as it should have been.

He has the assurance of eternity as I do, so he is not sad. I admire his strength. Personally, this news hit me like a ton of bricks. My pastor often speaks of something happening that drains all the joy out of you, as though someone unscrewed your big toe and all the joy ran out. That's how I suddenly felt. I was so dumbstruck that I didn't say much in return. I fumbled and said a few encouraging things, but unfortunately, I was thinking mostly of myself. The last thing my friend said to me was, "Well, we know that the long-term prognosis of this type of cancer is not very good." I know that. I've done my internet research, and I know that medically, the options are limited. I am not in denial; I have simply been reckoning on a higher reality than medicine and doctors. I have staked my faith on the Great Physician -- the Lord God Almighty. Still, this was a hard pill to swallow.

I had looked to my friend as an inspiration regarding my healing. Now I feel that slipping away, and it scares me to think of my own prognosis, so far as the world is concerned. This hit me hard and my faith faltered. I moped around most of the afternoon and evening and couldn't pull my head out of the fog. This dredged up all the doubts and fears that always linger just below the surface. It calls into question so many of the questions I have had about God's healing -- questions that I still can't reconcile in my own mind. I think of several friends that I have lost to cancer, one friend in particular that I have never been able to understand. I prayed and prayed for her, fasted for her, cried out to God for her healing, as so many many others did, and yet she still died, leaving a grieving husband and a young son behind. Yes, God was good to her husband and son and provided a great lady for them. I'm selfish though. I don't want someone else to be my wife's husband! I don't want someone else to raise my children! Me, me, me! Is that selfish enough?

I have sensed so strongly that God has promised me 40+ more years on this earth. He has work for me to do here and He knows that Cindy and the girls need me, yet I grapple with so many questions. God is no respector of persons, so I no more "deserve" healing than anyone else does. It is like salvation -- a gift that came through the shed blood of Jesus (see previous posts). By that, I rest on that promise, yet I ask myself, "Who am I to claim MY healing, when others who did the same died?" Am I being selfish? Am I being foolish? These are questions I'm struggling to understand.

Cindy and I had a long talk about it tonight. It was a difficult talk with a lot of tears and things said that would not befit a man of faith. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, yet Cindy spoke the Lord's words to stop looking at myself and to realize that God had me call my friend today KNOWING that I would learn this news. Why? I don't fully know, but I know partly that it is because I need to step up my prayers for him, prayers for healing. Prayers for a good report. Prayers for hope and not despair. My friend needs me now more than ever to stand with him. If the worst comes to pass, then I need to be there for him all the more even to the end. I know this, yet it is difficult, because in facing his mortality, I also face my own. I am not afraid to die. I know where I am going. Yet I struggle with what would happen to Cindy....my children. That is my failing, in not trusting the Lord enough to know that they are in His hands regardless of what happens.

I want to run away from this. It seems more than I can bear, yet perhaps, as Mordecai told Esther, it may be that I have been brought into this "for just such a time as this", to put aside my own fears and selfish desires and look outward to the needs and hurts around me, particularly my new friend. God, give me the strength to face these things, and forgive me for allowing my faith to falter. Forgive me for any selfish desires I have. Cleanse my heart, O God. Cleanse my heart of every hurtful way and every impure motive that keeps me from serving You and serving others with all my heart, above all else including my own life. Amen!

Deep Breath time to start a BUSY three weeks

Tomorrow Gary starts his second week of radiation. This week the doctors will continue the pelvis radiation but will add the lower back. He has done okay this week so I hope adding another site wont mess him up to bad. Tuesday he not only has the two spot radiation but we go straight from there to his medical oncologist for his monthly chemo type drug infusion. This drug has a record of kicking his butt so it kinda scares me what that on top of radiation will do :(. The kids are involved with kidquake kids service at our church so add in all those extra rehearsals as well as cookie booth for girl scouts a business training weekend in Savannah for me the next weekend and the next week a three day trip to Tampa for an extended doctors check up, that isn't including all the schoolwork, housework and all the million other things I all ready do and you see why I am a little anxious. How am I going to get all the "stuff" done that is normal life on top of taking care of the love of my life who I know will be down and out with all he will go thru this week and get ready for TWO out of town trips in TWO weeks and how are we gonna pay for it all. (KABOOM) that was my head exploding :) I guess I need to do what the title of this says take a deep breath and give it ALL and I mean ALL over to God and HE will take this jumbled mass of stress and give it peace. I read a funny quote in guidepost magazine that said "you know moses started out as a basket case" I love it that's so me :)

Lord I stop now and take a deep breath and breathe in your peace and let you Lord take over and have your way in me this week

Gary update 2/20 - Radiation week 1

My radiation started on Tuesday of this past week. I have four weeks -- 20 treatments -- altogether, so as of now, I'm 4 down, 16 to go.


I had hoped for no side effects and, although they have been relatively mild, I've had some big ups and downs this week. Other than the fatigue which I was warned about, I've been having really bad abdominal cramps. The doctor had mentioned nausea as a side effect, but I haven't had any nausea thank the Lord, but I've had these bad cramps. I asked the doctor about it and he agreed that these were a result of the radiation. He said that the bowels especially are very sensitive so that any disturbance in that area can set them off. Usually this results in nausea or irregularity, but in my case, he said that these types of cramps would not be unusual. He advised an over the counter remedy which has helped take the edge off, but that's all.

Been a long week!!!!

Wow this week has been tons longer than I thought it would be. Gary felt the affects of the radiation from day 1. But today he only took about an hour long nap and even went to choir practice at church. He has worked from home everyday(thanks to our lap top angels) and will probably do so for the entire month but today was pretty darn good. I am a little anxious for him, he starts radiation on a second spot on Monday so what will radiation on two areas do to him?
For us at home it has been a little difficult not only to see him not feeling well but we are having to adjust our schedule to fit him working from home. The kiddos are having to do something they aren't really good at "being quiet" :) I thank God for understanding teachers that know this month school work will be done at a slower pace.
I thank God we have made it this far. It has been a tough fight but we have managed to remember our vows to each other 15 years ago "sickness and health richer for poorer till death do us part". We tease we have masted sickness and poorer now we want to have a chance to master health and richer :).

3 days of treatment down 17 more to go... With Gods help all things are possible !!!!

Radiation - day 3

Well, I just got home from day 3 of my radiation treatments. So far, so good. Sometimes it takes a few hours for the treatment to "kick in" which usually means it kicks me in the butt, but I'm hoping that today will be a better day. I've been having a lot of fatigue and abdominal cramps. The doctors say this is definitely because of the radiation. I dread thinking this will be my life for the next 3 1/2 weeks. 3 down, 17 to go. I'm praying that this radiation will have the effect that it's intended to have on the cancer cells, but I'm believing that I will stop having these horrible side effects. God is good and is always faithful. I know He will help me through all of this. I will prevail. Amen!

Day two has gone pretty well Gary has been tired but not completely out. It broke my heart to see him so out of it. Something else that
made yesterday difficult was the kids, on the way to scouts they broke down in the car asking why everything shows people dying of cancer
and will daddy die. I told them people do die from daddy's cancer but we are trusting God the great physician. When they say marathon boy do they mean it for the whole family.

Please forgive me if this looks weird typing this on my iPod touch remotely. Aint technology grand lol

Radiation day 1

Gary had his first day of radiation this morning and it did not go well. If this is what we are going to face everyday for the next 4-6 weeks I don't know how we will all face it. Gary is ill. The kids take turns in tearful/angry fits and yet life still has to go on. I am tired and it has just begun.
Lord give Gary the strength to handle this radiation and let the radiation do its job and give my children a peace they have not had for a while and me strength to be there for all I need to be there for.

We are Humbled

This journey has been perioulus to say the least but it has been overwhelming, how many people have been praying for us. Last night we found out that Gary's moms sunday school class has comitted to praying for Gary every week instead of meeting for breakfeast. That is so humbling that a group of ladies would give up their social time to lift up our family in prayer WOW. Daily we have people tell us they are praying for us and you can tell they really mean it. We have had people tell us that they pray for us as a family with their kids, which I think it is so cool kids praying for kids. I have even had people stop to pray with me over chat on facebook. THANK YOU to all who have comitted to pray for us. The prayers are working God has shown himself so mightely to us and He continues to meet our needs in mighty ways.
We continue to be in aw and humbled and thank God everyday that we have a support system and we know that thru the effective fervent prrayers of our rightous friends we will see healing from this horrible disease.

9 hours

Well it has been a really awsome weekend we have all just rested in eachother and totally enjoyed each other. I thhink we are all taking a deep breathe bracing ourselves for the coming month of radiation. Nine hours from now we will be sitting at the Oncologist beginging the next step in our journey. What will this do to Gary? Will he get sick? Will it work?
Lord thank you for a wonderful weekend and Lord help us thru the next month.

Only one day left

This weekend has been one of the best weekends we have had in a long time. Gary took the girls to a daddy/daughter night at chick-fil-a on Friday night. I got my Ipod touch in the mail Friday from my nephew and niece, Gary went paint balling with friends and had a blast Saturday morning while I took Grandma and the girls out to lunch this afternoon. I also got something from Gary I really wanted, an overnight bag from Vera Bradley so I can check into hotels in Tampa in style. It has been so obvious to us that people have been praying for us to have peace and some refreshing because we have in spades. Gary's energy has been doing better this week than it has in a long while. I actually feel refreshed and ready to head into next weeks radiation. I am not sure how the radiation will affect Gary the doctors say he will have extreme fatigue and some nausea but who knows? I just thank God that He granted us a couple of days of peace before the next whirlwind begins. One more day then the practice run of radiation then Tuesday morning he begins the 4 to 6 week process. So please keep the prayers coming!!!

God you are so good to give us rest in the dessert places!!! God you R.O.C.K !!!!

3 days left

Well, we now have 3 days till Gary starts his first round of radiation. He has tumors all over his pelvis and lower spine and even a few sprinkled other places.They treat problem areas with radiation as they develop. This round they are going to focus on his right hip area and if he tolerates the radiation they will do his lower back at the same time, but he might have to wait on the back till after this four weeks. The next two months are going to be so challenging for us. I have a professional conference I have to go to for my job in March in Savannah and the Thursday and Friday after the conference we have to head back to Tampa for another scan and doctor apt.

We realized in the first 6 weeks of the year our family has had 3 ER trips 1 hospital stay, one trip to Tampa and too many doctors atpt to count so why would we think the next 6 weeks would be any different :)

Being gone so much has really affected the children and it isn't going to calm down any time son so please keep them in your prayers.

Lord grant us peace and strength to get thru this next month and help Gary make it thru this radiation without many side affects.

In the midst of the storm

I began this year looking so forward to 2009 being over knowing 2010 will be worlds better. SURPRISE! Things have not gotten better in fact they have gotten even a little more intense. But in the midst of the storms, some really cool stuff has happened. And God has been more present than ever before. Our life has been sort of like that picture above. That day was cloudy and stormy but when we needed God the clouds rolled away and God made a way for the photos to be taken. There have also been several things that have happened answers to prayer and provision from sources that were totally unexpected. As we face radiation in a week and are dealing with children who are increasingly angry that things are not the way they used to be and wont be in the foreseeable future. I thank God that He is all ready working to pull down barriers and making our paths straight and somehow we ARE going to get thru this I am not real sure how but I will look at the picture above and remember the clouds rolling away and think to the day when the clouds of sickness will roll away and life will return to a new better normal.

Gary update - 2/4/10

Well, I had my F Dopa Scan and mapping today. I didn't have a bad reaction to the F Dopa thank the Lord! I did get a slight headache, but nothing compared to the reactions I've had to some of the other stuff.

I will go in on Monday, February 15 for a "Film check" (verification of treatment planning) and then will begin the four weeks of radiation starting the following day, Tuesday, February 16, each weekday morning.

The Effect on the Children

Last night Merry pulled Gary aside and broke down into tears. She asked him if we could go on a vacation soon just us and not to visit anyone or go to a doctor JUST a vacation. She told him she was sorry for telling Grandma that she hated her but it was so hard because they have spent so much time away from us it hurts :(. Sometimes you forget that this Cancer thing affects the WHOLE family. It breaks your heart to see your child cry so fervently and she informed us that she knew finances would not allow it right now but she was gonna pray and she asked us to agree in prayer every night with her. Other than being stinking cute I am so happy to see that the first thing she turns to when things are tough is the Lord. Turning to the Lord will see her thru all that may come our way.
In reaction to this Gary suggested we take a late night family run to get a milkshake and drive down River Rd and just enjoy each other. Good Plan in theory!!!!
As soon as we walked out of our house Cassie yelled it looks CREEPY out here (the clouds were hanging low and it did look creepy) and look over by the woods behind the cemetery it looks really weird. That was enough to start the creep out then at McDonald's she looked at the guy behind us and whispered that guy looks like a bad guy!!! Then continued to look behind her frightened. Now she is trembling!!! We proceeded to drive down River Rd when Cassie yelled "I think I see a man in the woods" well that did it our peaceful drive turned into Cassie 11 laughing in glee and Merry screaming begging to be brought home RIGHT NOW!!! Got to love kids!!!!
Lord please help my Children lean on you to get them thru the trials that are still yet to come and help us Lord carve out time to be together.

One thing after another after another after another

People ask me if with all we are going thru does God feel distant and I have to say no. Both mine and Gary's relationship with God seems to be even stronger than before all this. "So what is wrong" is usually the next implication if you and God are good then all should be ok just let your burdens on the Lord and rest in HIM. Well Gary's health and our abysmal finances are firmly in His hands but that is not what is exhausting me. It is the constant stream of major crisis that have just about worn me to the core. I trust God he will heal Gary, I trust God that SOMEHOW the money to make all these trips to Tampa and the gas for a MONTH of radiation will be there supernaturally. I trust that He is my heavenly Father and He is as close as ever.
I have had to get up from being knocked down so many times in the last 6 months that it is slower to get up anymore. Please don't misunderstand what I am about to say. I would never think ever of taking my own life; however, I actually found myself the other day thinking boy heaven will be amazing it will be a hundred year hug from God and none of this other CRAP. Sometimes things like this make me long for Heaven even more :). I am not ashamed to admit I am so TIRED and we are not getting any break in between crisis they are just coming one right after another. Like child birth if you have a break between contractions you can get thru it, its just when the contractions never stop is when you start to loose it :).
Please God give us a break a time to fill up from all the stuff going on I thank you for never leaving us and always seeing us thru.

Gary update - 1/29/10

Well, it’s been an up and down week for us. I had my first appointment with the local radiation oncologist this past Tuesday (1/26). Despite the circumstances, this was a very positive appointment. Cindy and I were very pleased with the great attitudes of the office staff, the nurses, and the doctor. We met with a social worker there who told us about a program that helps children of cancer patients come to grips with their parent’s disease. They have a set of six weekly sessions. The next set of sessions begins in April, and we think we definitely want to get the kids involved. This meets at Riverside Presbyterian Day School close to where I work and they have people come from the Cummer Gallery of Art and Gardens to do art and craft projects with the kids that revolve around cancer and the kids’ feelings about it.


The first session explains to the children about things like what cancer is and treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation. One of the neatest art projects they told us about is called a “strong box”. The kids put together a box that they put slips of paper into that tell which things are helping them deal with their parent’s cancer, such as their faith, family, friends, etc. They also can write down their fears and place them into the box. These sessions are interactive with the parents involved too, with the hope of fostering openness with their kids about how they’re feeling. We’ve seen firsthand that it can be difficult for our kids to open up to us about my cancer, even though we have sat down with them several times to talk to them about it. Annie is struggling but prefers to deal with it privately which isn’t always good. Cassie usually will confide only in me, and I know from those confidences that she is very worried. Merry has had a lot of behavioral problems which we’re sure are related to the stress of this, but she doesn’t want to open up about it. We hope that these classes will help all three of them become more comfortable talking about this and will help us all as a family.

The Day After

Today is the dreaded Day after treatment. Yesterday Gary had his monthly Zometa infusion. The day of the infusion its not so bad but the next day poor Gary wakes up with horrible bone pain and feels like he was hit by a mack truck. It is so hard to see my big strong man feeling so bad. I am happy with the doctors we have found for the first time in 6 months I don't worry every minute that I am going to loose him. This cancer thing is a marathon and I think God for helping us with the strength to make it thru.Oh what a party it will be when he is finally declared cancer free.
Lord give Gary strength to endure these treatments and heal his body and continue to heal our hearts dear father. Thank you for never leaving us even when the storms have raged and we worried we would drown you have been there holding our hands. Thank you Abba Daddy :)

In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds...

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

God gave me a wonderful vision the night before last that I would love to share. That night, well, actually early yesterday morning at 4:00 a.m., I was awakened by a horrible storm. It was thundering and lightning, and the wind was blowing so hard that the windows and walls were rattling, and almost-horizontally-falling rain was pelting the windows like pebbles! It was quite a racket, and it startled me awake.

Gods Kiss from Heaven

Last month we were scheduled to take a family portrait but due to several factors we missed it. Today we were finally able to reschedule the shoot but it was supposed to rain!!!! I prayed and prayed all day yesterday begging God for the rain to wait till Monday and it seemed like the weather report was in my favor. Today walking out from church I was greeted by rain drops, my heart fell!!!! The shoot was a couple of hours latter and down at the beach so I thought just maybe? The clouds were nasty and drizzly but we held out hope. We stopped in a Publix to change clothes and I just sat in the restroom almost in tears that once more this glorious photo shoot was going to be canceled. We held off till about an half hour before the shoot but we called the photographer and told him not to worry the shoot would be rained out. Luckily the photographer listens to God and started to turn around but came our way anyway and I am so glad he did!!!! Ten minutes before the shoot the rain stopped and by the time the shoot happened the skies were blue and beautiful. God showed me in such a magnificent way that HE cares for us and hears our prayers. Hears our prayers for a pretty day and for healing :) Today felt like God reached down and lovingly kissed my forehead in return after the shoot I blew Daddy a kiss!!!

Thank you so much God for hearing our prayers about beautiful days and healing of bodies. You never cease to amaze me by your love and care for us.

Gary update - 1/22/10 - only a week late!

Thank you everyone for your prayers for Annie. She is out of the hospital and doing better. I think she has more energy than she’s had in a long time! Now we have to figure out how to address all of her underlying health issues. After all the craziness, I’m finally able to write my status from my 1/14 and 1/15 Moffitt trip.

January 14 was just basic blood work and a repeat of the contrast CT scan I had back in August to see if the cancer had spread. It was fairly uneventful.

My January 15 appointment with the neuroendocrine oncologist was at best ambiguous. The radiologist reviewed the biopsy results from Shands, but they were inconclusive, he said due to “demineralization”. The doctor rendered a diagnosis based solely on the comparison between the two CT scans. He said he was “fairly certain” that I do not have the aggressive form of neuroendocrine cancer. That’s great news! The “fairly certain” part was a bit disturbing. I would love something more definite.

Peace

Annie got out of the hospital today. Boy was this a LONG week. Home from Moffitt for 4 hours then to the hospital with Annie. We both are still just feeling road hard and put away wet :(
We are just now starting to process the Moffitt trip. They did say it was non aggressive but treatment options are really limited to one or two only mildly effective drugs. So happy on one note and kinda depressing on another. This is a roller coaster ride so I guess we are at a down swing of the roller coaster but I am believing God that very soon that roller coaster will be on an up swing and the news will improve. For now we are gearing up for the twenty rounds of radiation and the two more trips to Tampa in the next two months we have to take on a limited budget with a car that is on its last legs. The Bible says where we are weak HE is strong so I guess we are just gearing up to see God invincible :)
Lord Thank you for walking with us thru the shadow of the valley of death and help us to fear no evil and rely on you totally

AHHHHHHHHH

Literally 4 hours after we got home from Tampa we had to take my eldest daughter to the emergency room with 104.7 degree fever. They got her fever under control but found she was severely anemic so she has been on the hospital since then. I have not slept for three days so this post is probably a grammatical nightmare. Please pray for our family we have reached so far past the point over over stressed we are all so weary it hurts. Thank you for your prayers!!!

The Aftermath

We made it home today in one piece. The prayers for safe travel where so greatly appreciated, especially from me (the passenger in the car). I think both Gary and I are now emotionally and physically drained. This has been such a LONG process.The baby steps we are making is so much better than the standing still we had been doing. There is no cure for this cancer it is just a matter of finding the treatments that will keep them from progressing up his spine and radiate the tumors in the pelvis that hurt him. So we appreciate your continued prayers as we CONTINUE down this long and winding road of cancer treatment. Oh for the day that cancer can be cured with a shot and its no big deal :(
Being at Moffitt was heartbreaking because you saw how many people are dealing with this horrible disease. Sitting in the lobby waiting for Gary I saw an elderly couple who in their hay day were most likely on the social page. The woman was beautiful and elegant and the man all though in a wheel chair managed to retain his nice looks and high style. There was a young couple walking down the hall the wife clad in a scarf to hide her bald head and her dedicated husband holding hands around an IV pole that held the chemo that was curing and killing her all at once. There was woman tenderly pushing her husband in a wheelchair the man so weak he could not even raise his arm. They stoped and he complained that his ear itched and she lovingly scratched it for him. There were many many more I spent my waiting time lifting each one of them up in prayer that God would heal their loved one and their hearts.

Todays Visit

Today is finally over. We have lived with the thought that Gary's cancer could be the aggressive kind for a month and thankfully those fears were quieted today. The doctor said there is not a MARKED increase in the number of lesions from the August CT scan. I think we both took a collective SIGH of relief when he told us that. The elation didn't last long when we realized we now have to attack the lesions that are there and that includes radiation and new types of drugs some experimental that may or may not be covered with insurance. We also got a good look at his cat scans for the first time with the radiation oncologist and she showed us how invasive his cancer really is and I think that really frightened us. His pelvis is COVERED with lesions. In a way today was a breath of fresh air and in other ways it was like turning the corner in a long race expecting to see the finish line but instead it is another mountain. I am so happy that we have options. We both are pretty weary at this point and it is sobering knowing how far of a road is ahead but with God's help and the prayers and love of family and friends I know the finish line of this race will be VICTORY over "Bob Fitzgerald". Die Bob Fitzgerald DIE!!!!! :)

We are here!!!

Well the waiting is down to a few hours. I have to admit we are feeling the prayers of so many. We are still anxious, but it is a small anxious and not the all consuming anxious that was with us at the beginning of the week. THANK YOU for praying. It means so much to us both. I plan on updating this tomorrow with the good news we have been praying for. "Hope" -- that is what we want to come out of Moffitt with. I know that our hope is in Jesus, but I have been fervently praying that God will allow the doctor to give us some hope too.. Till tomorrow hugs ;)

Zero Hours Left

We are about to leave for Tampa. Last night the people at church gathered around Gary laid hands on him and prayed for him (he will blog about this latter ) it was AWESOME it helped us both feel better about what is coming tomorrow. Thank you Lord for faithful prayer warriors and grant us safe travel as we head down to Tampa!!!

Less than 24 hours

Shew we made it to the day before and luckily today is CRAZY so my mind is not focused to much on tomorow. My stomach is in knots tho. I shouldnt be worried about this we know what God told us,but the fear is still there and my "fight" is running low. I have prayed that no matter what the doc says there will be some hope given. The last doctor gave us no hope. Back to my crazy day today then off to Tampa tomorow please keep us in your prayers in the next couple of days we so need the peace that passes all understanding.

Lord grant us the strength to get thru today and the calmness of heart to get thru the next couple of days keeping our eyes focoused on you NO MATTER what the doctors say we will believe the report of the Lord

75 hours

The last 4 months have been the HARDEST of my ENTIRE life. The cont down to treatment is now 75 hours. In 75 hours we will be siting at Moffitt Cancer center waiting for the doctor to confirm his original diagnosis and let us know if the cancer is aggressive or not and wether there are treatment options or not. It has been a really hard couple of weeks anticipation saterday night we sat in eachothers arms and just cried. That night Gary cried harder than I have ever seen him. The emotional toll this is taking on this family is almost unbearable. Sunday morning we went to church and God met us there and gave us this HUGE spiritual hug and we so needed that. Someone also slipped us a special gift again something we really needed. It is always amazing when we think we are going to CRACK God shows up and lets us know we are not alone.

Lord help us get thru this next couple of days and handle the news whatever it may be from the doctor on friday. Lord we need your strength because ours ran out about two weeks ago.

Bob Fitzgerald

We decided this week that the word "Cancer" is in our vocabulary WAY to often. We cant exactly stop talking about it so we decided to rename it to "Bob Fitzgerald" .
So as Thursday approaches we are getting even more anxious about our trip to Tampa Thursday he goes thru even MORE testing and Friday at 11:30 we find out if "Bob Fitzgerald" is aggressive or not and if Radiation and chemo will help keep "Bob Fitzgerald" at bay. And ultimately the doc will give his opinion (Gods opinion is greater) if this will Kill him. My heart has been in constant hurt this week I want to know and cant wait on one hand and on the other I am TERRIFIED. I am so tired of "Bob Fitzgerald" touching every portion of our life and I hope and pray our journey will end in healing very very soon :)
God Please, Please give us the strength to persevere thru this journey we NEED your strength and Joy!!! Please God heal our hearts and give us joy!!!

The butterflies begin

In a week we will be in Tampa waiting to hear what exact kind of cancer Gary has, their prognosis and treatment. I should be THRILLED that this means treatment will begin but I have to admit I am really nervous up till treatment begins there are moments when I can forget what we are facing as a family but once treatment begins cancer will be in our face all the time. I HAVE to figure out a way to toughen my heart up I have to be stronger now than I ever have before. We are believing for a miracle and if I can figure out how to pull it together I wont be able to help anyone. I was doing good with faith believing that he will be healed then cancer will be a distant memory for us when a friend of ours found out that her cancer came back with a vengeance and is now facing multiple surgeries and months of treatment. Not only is my heart broken for her and her family but I am so afraid even when Gary is healed Cancer will always be that 500 pound canary in the corner.

Lord help me to have a fighting faith enough for our family and help me be an encouragement to other families going thru this same struggle

A Leap of Faith

All last week I kept thinking about Gideon in the Bible and how God called him to battle a huge army with 300 unarmed men and he WON.Last night we talked about the Indiana Jones movie where he had to take a leap of faith onto this chasm that seemed like a hopeless situation. This is kinda like 2010 for us we HAVE to take that leap of faith that GOD will heal Gary and not look at our situation but look to GOD. So instead of new years resolutions we are making a New Years Faith stand to truly believe in Gods healing power for Gary and HIS provision for us. So as we step into 2010 God we raise the banner of FAITH believing in your healing power and wait expectantly for your miracles to come in health and in provision. With you Lord all things are possible!!!

Feeling useless

Many times over the last several weeks, I've had days where by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I've been so fatigued and tired that I've tried to "power nap" and have really lapsed into a coma instead. I've asked the doctor about this. He said that cancer can cause this, the medicines can cause this, the stress and depression that come about with dealing with the cancer can cause this, so take my pick. He said that, ideally, I should be on disability at work, but my work disability plan covers me at 60% income without benefits, so between losing 40% income and my health insurance, I just can't do that. My work has been very gracious and understanding. I am salaried, so my boss said I'm judged based on whether I get my work done, not on how many hours I put in. I have been able to hold things together, but it is getting more difficult.

The other day, I got so tired that I just couldn't function. I went to lie down for "a few minutes" and woke up 3 hours later! Cindy said she and the kids had been trying to get me awake but couldn't. That really hit me hard.

You know the saying "once in a blue moon" that happened last night as we ushered in 2010 I thought it was so apropriate how something rare and unique happened on the first morning of the new year. God just reminded me that a cure will be found for Garys cancer once in a blue moon. SO May it be so Lord that Garys cancer and so many others will be cured this year!!! 2010 a year for miracles!!!!

This is Gary getting his Zometa infusion this week. I didn't go with him to the appointment so I sent him with my camera and said have a nurse take a pic. He groused and said "why so you can put it on facebook" and I said no even better the BLOG :) He always laughs at me for taking pics of him going thru stuff but the one time he was in the ER I promised him I wouldn't take a pic and one of the pastors came in to pray with him and the first thing out of her mouth was did you get a pic for facebook. HA!!!! see people like seeing you in these situations;-)

Gary's infusion went well today (I will post pics) but he had a really tough day today. He is struggling with a lower energy level and I know it is hard to get used to a new normal for a man. My heart breaks for him he tries so hard. I know very soon he is going to HAVE to begin on disability he is only holding on now because of my lack of ability to get a good paying Job, I have no real skills. I wish 2010 would start quietly but it doesn't look like it will. I need some serious Godly inspiration so I can allow him the time he needs to stop work and heal. We barely survive on his whole salary I just feel so helpless I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years so what skills I did have were long since antiquated.

Oh God Help me to be the helpmate that Gary needs right now emotionally and financially. And give me the strength to be strong for him. And Lord give him the strength to fight this cancer and win with your help....

Gary goes this morning for his first infusion of Zometa a drug that will help strengthen his bones. He found a nice Oncology practice here in town that will work with Moffitt and do the treatment they prescribe. The countdown for Tampa gets going now ,16 days till they tell us specific type and treatment options. I know if we believe the report of the Lord Moffits report should be no big deal. But it is I guess we really want them to be at least hope full for him past two more Christmases. They seem to be a place that breads hope in their patients so PLEASE GOD let them be hopeful for Gary's treatment. I know the more desperate your situation the greater Gods glory. God keeps reminding me of Gideon since I am such a huge fan of fleeces :) His army had to get down to the "no way on earth" level before God led him to victory well we have been at the "will only survive if it he gets a miracle" for the last couple of months when does the miracle come :(

Lord help me on the days I get discouraged to NEVER loose site of you and your promises !!!

The New year coming

Christmas is now over and it was AMAZING!!! We had such a wonderful time and the cancer didn't bother the festivities too much. Gary had to take a couple of naps but hey I had to take one this afternoon after Cassie busted in our room screaming MERRY CHRISTMAS, I did not know whether to hug her or smack her silly :)
On the way home from my in laws it kinda hit me that the new year is soon approaching and the new year brings both hope for treatment and a cure and fear that it will bring treatment and trials. Changes will happen in our daily life with me returning to college (not sure how I am going to juggle that too) and the possibility Gary will have to go on disability and the thought that we will have to make due on HALF his salary and at best any job I could get would never even make up a half of the half. This year was so difficult coming to grips with the word cancer becoming part of our daily vocabulary. Helping kids thru the thought that daddy might not be here for future Christmas's (we are FERVENTLY praying he will be here for 40 more!!).
This has been a serious wild ride of a year and I have to admit I am a little scared at the wild ride 2010 promises.

Lord I pray not only for the Love of my Life but also for the Love of others lives that are battling Cancer and I pray this year you will pour your PEACE over all of us and supernaturally inspire some doctor to find a CURE for ALL cancer so NO other wife will cry and no other child will have to loose the magic of childhood early again!!!!

Always Enough a song from Casting Crown ( a cd Gary bought me for Christmas)

In a dry and weary land Lord, you are the rain. In a sea of shattered ones,Your love is rushing in. You hold the world in your hands and see each tear that falls. Through every fire and every storm Your ALWAYS ENOUGH .....

2009

Tonight on the way home from picking up a huge blessing from somone we sat and talked about 2009. I said how I told people at church I am so thrilled 2009 will be in the recordbooks soon and how I hoped 2010 will be so much better. I even quoted Colonel Potter from MASH (and gave Gary a corinary cause I qouted it with the explitive) about next year being better and giving us peace. Then on the way home I crossed a bridge and there was the most beautiful sunset with rays streaming thru the clouds, those sunsets are my favorite. God told me that 2009 is like this sunset the clouds of past storms still loom on the horizon and threaten to unleash their power again but thru the clouds the SON is filtered out and spread out in greater beauty and area then if the storms where not there. That is so true 2009 has been stinky with Gary and I taking our turns at mini breakdowns worrying about come what may but thru that God has shown himself so mighty thru oportunities for us to bless others or people blessing us. We have been provided for so supernaturally this year, it is so awsome. Our kids will have a better Christmas thanks to those blessings!! So as Christmas comes and 2010 is on the horizon thank you Lord for the clouds of 2009 that made your SON shine brighter in our lives!!!!

Thank God for the Body of Christ

Gary and I went to church very down today. (We spent most of saterday sobbing in eachothers arms realling from the news that the cancer may have spread.) As soon as we walked thru the doors of the church God just wrapped us up in HIS love thru conversations with friends, worship songs that seem to have been written to fit our life EXACTLY, a powerful sermon preached right at us, to the powerful prayers of the saints to warm hugs. Today was such an amazing shot in the arm for us, people who honestly are believing with us for Garys healing and encouraging us not to loose hope. People who will never know this side of heaven how much their words mean to us (unless they read this BLOG : ) ) Thank you so much to all the people who speak into our lives when the battle seems to crush us you all come along to help us up and keep fighting Thank You times ten million...

Cancer update 12/19 - It Is Well with My Soul

As I've mentioned here, starting last Saturday, I developed an intense pain in my upper left chest. The pain ran pretty much from the left breast around my ribs close to my left shoulder blade on my back. I have had this pain there before and had a stress test and chest x-rays done and nothing was found. It was attributed to muscular pain. It was a nuisance but generally not unbearable and usually went away after a day or two.

This time, the pain was almost unbearable -- far worse than any pain I've had in my pelvis, and Lortab hardly made a dent in it, and it wasn't going away. I went to see my PCP on Tuesday and he prescribed me Percocet, which is an even more powerful pain killer than Lortab. It has seemed to do the trick at keeping the pain at bay, but the side effects have been worse than Lortab. I've been more fatigued and loopy than usual (which I didn't think was possible :) ).

My PCP said that insurance wouldn't approve another CAT scan with a CAT scan already approved for 1/14, so he sent me for a chest and rib x-ray instead. I had that done on Thursday. The results came back this morning and the doctor gave me a call. The good news is that the x-ray shows nothing on my ribs and my lungs are fine. This is where the pain is, so nothing bone-related. He thinks it is likely muscular again, probably something I pulled. The pain has been lessening, so that's good. Hopefully I can go back to just Lortab soon.

The cause for concern does not appear to be related to this pain, but may just be a coincidence that showed up, but on the x-ray, a "sclerotic" area was noted on my left upper humerus (upper arm bone) close to my shoulder. The report says that it is unclear whether this is arthritis, something benign, or another cancerous lesion like the ones on my pelvis. The only way to truly know would be to biopsy this, which I would rather not go through again unless it's absolutely necessary. Since this area didn't show up on the octreatide scan which was full body, my primary said it's really not possible to give me an accurate diagnosis of what this area is.

Judge Not! An inspiring yet convicting story

God used an event recently to teach me a lesson about judging. Before heading up to Valdosta last Thursday, I needed to pop by a gas station to top off my gas, check and fill my tires, and check my oil. I stopped at the gas station and saw that a big lawn service truck was at the air pump. They had a big trailer hitched to a pickup and the trailer was big enough to house it appeared three or four lawn tractors. They were bringing each tractor out one by one and checking and filling the tires. I decided to get gas first to give them time to finish, but when I was done pumping, they still weren’t done. These were some unsavory looking characters. I sometimes get mad at lawn service trucks because they block the roads and some of them act like they own the neighborhood. I was getting frustrated because I was in a hurry to get home and they were holding me up. In my heart I thought, “God, I really hate lawn services!”

I felt God basically tell me to stop fretting and to just pull behind them and wait for the pump to free up. I was just sitting there trying to be as patient as I could, when the most unsavory looking of the bunch walked up to my window: A big black guy with tattoos on both arms, both legs, and his neck with a bandana around his head with skulls on it. If I had seen this guy on the street, I probably would have avoided him. He walks up and taps on my window. I rolled it down and he says, “Are you waiting for the vacuum or air?” I told him the air but to go ahead and I would wait. He then says, “No we’re going to be a minute. My co-worker needs to run into the store here. I would be happy to fill your tires for you.” I was surprised. I told him he didn’t have to do that but he insisted. He went around to each and every tire and checked each thoroughly and brought them up to the right pressure. When he finished, I felt compelled to give him something but didn’t have any cash on me. I just went to shake his hand to thank him and he shook my hand and patted the back of my hand with his other hand and said, “God bless you! Merry Christmas!”

Superman vision (pun intended)

God gave me an interesting vision the other day. What's strange sometimes is that God uses scenes from movies or TV shows I've seen to drive home a point. For instance, right after I first learned I had cancer, I was crying out to God, when I pictured a scene from Disney's Aladdin. In that scene, Aladdin and Jasmine are jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid the palace guards who are trying to arrest them. They finally reach the edge of one roof and it's too far to cross. Jasmine looks worried when Aladdin holds out his hand and says, "Do you trust me?" She says "yes", they jump off the building, land on a canopy and are safe. God was telling me to trust Him because He has healed me.

I digress. That was just an example. The vision I had the other day was this. I had just met with the GI doctor who was going to do my colonoscopy and he started to talk about my cancer. He knew a lot about it, just evidently that there is a rare aggressive form. He was telling me that a few cancer cells may linger for years before they metastasize somewhere else. People often have this for years and never know it.

An answer from God I wasnt a huge fan of!!!

This has been an extra HARD week for us Gary has been dealing with yet another cold and he has a new place in his ribs and back that is causing him pain. When we went to the doctor at Moffitt he told us about the aggressive form of the cancer Gary has and with this new pain we both worry that the aggressive form is what he has ; ( I spent the last week pleading with God for it not to be the aggressive form because the aggressive survival rate is like zero. As I prayed God reminded me of Gideon that He widdled Gideon's army down to the "there is no hope" level THEN God did a miracle and helped them win the battle. I am not sure if that was Gods way of preparing me to hear aggressive when we go back or not. I do know I HAVE to trust in you Lord even if my worst possible nightmare happens and I loose the LOVE of my life you will be there and take care of him and me.. God I trust you with it all!!!!

:(

Today Gary has come down with his second cold since Thanksgiving : ( When people say this cancer thing is a roller coaster they aren't lying!!!! I have been pretty much useless lately too my knee (I had surgery on in October) has been swelling great big and hurting very badly. We missed our appointment to get our family portrait done yesterday because I was running late and Gary just didn't have the energy to get us to the location, he slept most of the evening because he felt so badly. The kids hung the outside lights up today while I supervised and we put together the tree. I told them we cant light it or put ornaments on till daddy is with us!! This thing is so hard on our whole family Cassie is trying to man up and be my help when daddy cant and the other two are just crying to have things back to normal. They all agreed their best gift would be daddy well again!! God has shown Himself so faithful to us I really cant complain so I wont I just pray God that you will give this family strength to face the road ahead because right now we are running low...

hope

It is late on a sat night so I wont go to much in depth on this weekend but to sum it up in the word HOPE. The doctors really didn't tell him anything except for the spots in his Ilium are Benign but what they did say is that there are sub categories of his cancer and certain treatments work on certain cancers. That tells me that the doctor that limited his life to 2 to 3 years didn't really know what he was talking about. As soon as we entered Moffitt we felt this immense HOPE flow from everyone to the valet attendant ( valet parking how cool : ) to the nurses and doctors. We would pick up a phamplet and there would be something about trusting in faith and even the computer screens asked "will this be the day (they cure cancer)" When we came into this weekend I prayed that GOD would replace those horrible words from the last doctor and give us simple "hope" and he did!! Hope that we are in the right place to facilitate the care that Gary needs to survive. Thank you God for HOPE!!! It is something we were running very low on!!

Cancer update - 12/12

Well the big day came and went and was not as much of a rousing round of success as I would have hoped. I must say that the Moffitt Center itself was wonderful. Their whole mission is based on hope, and everything about the environment and atmosphere there was very hopeful, friendly, and positive.

Cancer update - 12/8

Well the colonoscopy/ileoscopy (which I found out is actually called a lower enteroscopy) went off well yesterday. I slept most of the day yesterday so I'm just getting the update out today.

Yesterday Gary had his colonoscopy and they think they found the primary source of his cancer in his illium (this is a good thing). The poor guy has been poked and prodded and scanned so much the last couple of months, I pray this is it for a while.
I never realized how hard the waiting room can be. I have had a lot of medical issues in my life and never fully appreciated the pain that comes while you wait. I really appreciate my inlaws coming and keeping my mind occupied. And a dear lady from our church who not only watched my kids gave them an awsome afternoon.
This time in our life has been NUTS and very exhausting but one thing I can say is God has been with us the whole time providing spiritually with prayers from saints and signs He is with us like rainbows. To financially in many unique ways.
I was up at 4 am this morning got on facebook (what else do you do at 4am lol) and no one was on then a chat window opened and a dear friend I guess was awaken just long enough to pray for me over chat. How cool is that. Anxious how we were going to pay to stay in a hotel in Tampa God lays it on a family members heart to help. God is so COOL!!
Thank you all for your continued prayers and check friday and see if I figure out how to update my blog from my phone. The laptop is next on our wish list but until then thank God for internet capable phones ( my hubby dosent thank God for me knowing how to take a pic and post it to facebook instantly but others do ;)

Our Journey so far

Thank you all for continually praying for this family we so appreciate it. Prayer does work Gary woke up with a horrible migraine and I posted please pray on my Facebook and within 5 min he was asleep. We honestly could not have come this far in our journey without all your warm wishes, prayers and my favorite....hugs.
I pray you all have the best week you ever had :) and as always we will keep you posted next week will be a busy week treatment wise.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Cancer update - 12/2

Well after a failed appointment Monday where I waited 45 minutes at the office just to be told the results weren’t yet available (grrrrr!), the second time was the charm and I saw the doctor this afternoon.

My esophagus, stomach, and the first 2/3 of my small intestine all show up fine; however, there are lesions in either the lower third of the small intestine (called the ileum), or the first part of the colon (the cecum, ascending, and part of the transverse colon). With the capsule endoscopy, exact location is difficult to discern and there was some disagreement between several radiologists of whether this was in the small or large intestine, but it does have these areas narrowed down to the lower end instead of the upper end.

10 day count down and counting my blessings

Well it has been a very LONG week Gary continues to go up and down health wise. Thanksgiving was declared not horrible but pretty close by our children. But you know through the darkest times God still sends glimmers of blessing. It seems everyday there is a new blessing from a friend offering his talents to bless with a family portrait ( something we havent had for 9 years) to my sister picking up the doll that Merry fell to her knees and PLEADED with God to tell Santa. It is so easy to just slip into depression and just want to crawl in a hole but as some say we are trying to choose to flourish. It has been so amazing the love and prayers we have recieved from people and the blessing that come a new everyday. Thank Lord for answering our plea to hold onto us even when we are so tired that we cant hold onto you.

Another blessing is that our trip to Moffitt is only 10 days away and hopefuly that will be the begining of some treatment and moving forward for this family. We are so tired of standing still and allowing this cancer to seemingly overcome us.
Thank you dear friends for holding us up during the last few months we could not have done it without you..

"I praise the one who paid my debt who raised this life up from the dead" This is a line from one of the worship songs at church this morning. How appropriate for how I was feeling today. This week has been so very hard with taking Gary to the ER and having him in so much pain that all I could do is hold him and pray, nothing was helping him. Thank God the Virus that he has is just about worked out of his system but the soul tiredness I have is still there. I went to church today with the girls and left Gary home and for some reason I felt sad all morning. Is this what my future holds sitting in church alone looking at other couples hug and kiss and wanna cry cause the one I kiss and hug isn't there. I know that is silly he was just at home but the fear of him loosing this battle with cancer and leaving me alone just hit very hard today. That is when this song played and the phrase "raise this life up from the dead" means more than physical death. There is far worse than physical death. There is a spiritual death that happens when you are dealing with things like cancer or other serious life threatening diseases. To stand by helplessly and watch someone who you would gladly trade places with go through so much pain and you cant do anything something inside starts to die. I raised my hands this morning praising the God who paid the price and who raises THIS life up from the grave. He is there to hold and comfort Gary and he is there to hold and comfort me and I just have to let him.

Lord thank you for taking my fears, worries,anxieties and cancer and nailing them to the cross and I surrender to you to take this life and raises it up from the dead for your glory!!!

I am so tired

Gary had an Capsule endoscopy this week. A test where you swallow a pill with a camera in it and lets just say nature takes care of it in the end. He had to wear a harness all day tuesday and tuesday night once the test was over he began to run a temperature and had a rapid heart rate. It got a little better after a good night sleep but once he woke up his symptoms got dramatically worse and he had massive joint pain so we had another trip to the ER. It turns out they believe he has the flu but this now keeps us from leaving to go to atlanta for thanksgiving and dissapointed the kids once again. It seems like the last 6 months has been filled with so many tests on my precious hubby and countless dissapointments for my kids and multiple sessions with the kids helping them cope. I can honestly say the saying "God dosent put more on you than you can handle is hooey!!!"  He just promises to be there to help you hold on!!         
GOD please give us a calm in the storm help us please!!!!!!!! Help heal all the dissapointments and sadness. We are so very tired God please please give us your blessed rest.

The Kick-Butt Angel

I wish I could find a better term to describe this, but it's the best I could come up with. Tuesday morning (11/23), I was awakened with a gasp at 5:30 in the morning by what I thought was a nightmare.

My heart broke into a million peices last night. Cassie sat with her Daddy and confessed to him that she has battled depression and she even found herself questioning God. I thought I had done a better job at sheilding them from the full brunt of this stress. We were honest with them on most of the things going on. She told us that the confusion and lack of structure that all the doctors apt has really stressed her out. Oh man now I feel like a bad mother I am trying so hard!! I want her childhood to be happy I always have taken pride in the fact that people tell me that her and her sisters are really neat because they are kids and not 8 going on 18.
Oh Lord help me know how to handle these precious children that you have put in my care. Right now God I feel like I cant even handle my own emotions much less hers. Be more real to her and her sisters during this time and show yourself to them in such a mighty way that they will NEVER doubt you are there and passionatly loving them so much better than mortal mom can!!

Fighting the urge to retreat inward this holiday season

The Sunday before Thanksgiving we have not made plans on where to go. We originally were going to head to Atlanta to my sisters house and take part in all the cool Christmas festivities up there but finances are not letting us do that
: ( 
Even if we went up there I am struggling with wanting to grab my little family and my sweet man and retreat into solitude for the next couple of weeks. I know that Thanksgiving is for all your family but I only worry about loosing Gary and I dont want to share him with anyone. I get mad at myself for thinking like this because it is rooted in the fear of only having a couple of Thanksgivings left with him not believing that God will heal him and it is killing me.
My girls are showing the burden of this as well I got my middle daughters list to santa (she dosent really still believe but she thinks why spoil a good thing :) and at the end it had a sincere apology for being bad and asked santa to forgive her because it has been a really tough year. Oh man how am I going to get thru this season, I want to make sure that the kids have peaceful fun Christmas but so many medical bills are coming due and so much is breaking in our home that there isnt a whole bunch of money left, but memories are what I am after not gifts.
Dear Most Awsome God of Peace not confusion
I am an emotional skitzo and need your help Lord to have a right mind and heart as I enter the season that I love so much. Help us Lord to build new memories and new traditions this year, ones we can enjoy even when Daddy dosent have cancer. And Happy almost Birthday Jesus :)

Cancer update - 11/20

Well after a lot of discussions and fussing back and forth between my primary and Moffitt, I was given the green light to meet with a local gastroenterologist who is qualified to do both a colonoscopy and an ileoscopy (scope of the ileum -- the final third of the small intestine leading into the colon). I had a consultation with him this afternoon.

A good word in season on my husbands facebook page

Prophecy Bulletin 11- 20-09 The way is clear, the door is open. Go forth with confidence and assurance, for I am with you, says the Lord. It is time for you to possess all that has been prepared for you. Do not be afraid or doubt that you have been set aside for My purposes at this time and for this season. Yield to th...e moving of My Spirit,and I will cause you to actualize your kingdom potential. Josh 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

put on his page by a dear old friend. Thank you Lord for dear old friends and social networking sites that bring them back into our lives at just the right time :)

my prayer

Lord as the storms of life seem to be blowing so strong I fear that I will not be able to stand, help me to remember your promises. The storms of worry and strife threaten to drown out your voice. Please Lord hold onto my family and me tighter than our weak hands can hold onto you!!

Put my money where my mouth is

God got onto me today about not living in my heart as I'm speaking with my lips. With my lips, I'm proclaiming my healing and believing God for 40+ more years of life and ministry.

A Normal Day

My Kids were getting ready for camp and my middle one told me I cant wait to go to camp and get away from the stress in life and I thought HELLO your 11 what stress do you have? She replied "it will just be nice to have a weekend without worrying about Daddy having Cancer" :(. I am glad to say she had just that she came home red faced and exhausted from all the fun. I have to admit we had fun too we had a whole Saturday out where cancer came up once and that was just joking saying "if we told him you have terminal cancer maybe he would give you a discount on the bed we bought". That felt so nice we felt normal again for one day. The next day Gary woke up in pain on both hips and all those fears came flooding back. Oh Lord help me to keep those fears in check and help us to have more days like Saturday. And Lord help us figure out how to help the kids with their stress.

one day without the "c" word

Cancer not only invades a persons body but it invades their thoughts,their family,their finances. I know we have only begun this journey but I am all ready so tired. Everyday there is something new a new test a new doctor anther day to watch your husband get an IV and then be sedated, another 2 hour wait in a room praying they don't find something bad. Another bill that must be paid before the next step which means things get sacrificed, Thanksgiving with family or even Christmas gifts. God I feel like I am about to crack into a million pieces please Lord help me have a strength better than my own. Help me to be the light to my family help me be the strength for my husband please!!

Holidays

I realized last night as I was sitting in my moms meeting when listening to all the amazing advice on your marriage that I really have an amazing marriage, we are not perfect and obviously our life is not. But as I head into this Thanksgiving I am so THANKFUL to my sweet amazing husband that is always there for my kids,myself and his entire family. Gary Robert Schriver you are an amazing man and I thank God for you everyday.
Another thing as we start the Holiday season I am going to have to force myself to enjoy the season and not catch myself thinking is this the last Thanksgiving we will have together. This will be hard at times because Dec 11th we have to take Gary down to the Neuro endocrine oncologist so that apt could put a real damper or happy tone to the Holidays. And I know regardless of what they say I have to remember what God said he  is the one who hold Garys future in His hands not the docs.  
No one is guarenteed another minute we are all terminal so deep breathe holidays here I come.

Fears

Last night Gary told me he had a very tough day and strugled hard with just feeling like giving up. I held him and encouraged him but on the inside it scared me to death. He is lirerally in the fight of his life, how do I help him keep the fight. How do you do this, how do you stay strong for him, my children, extended family and friends when all you really want to do is sit in the corner and cry. So much has happened in the last couple of months that there are days when numb is about all I feel. There is a saying that people have told me that God will not put more on me than I can handle, yeah right I passed that pont about 2 weeks ago : )
Garys next apt is Dec 11th and I worry everyday 'what if' they say the same the other doctor said, oh my Lord please let this bad dream we are stuck in stop soon .The song below just about says it all for how we feel.
I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away,Stepped in to save the day,, but once again, I say amen and its still raining. Well as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain "I'm with you." And as your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. .....Praise you in the storm by Casting Crowns

Lord give us both a renewed fight so that we can make it thru this journey and come out victorious.

Hard day today

I struggled a lot with fatigue and pain today. December 11 seems so far away and the easy path would be to just give up, but I"m not going to do that! I am determined, but the temptation is there I will confess. But I have a beautiful wife, three precious little girls to see to adulthood, and a future ministry that God has shown me. Lord, help me today to resist temptation and to hold fast to Your truth and Your report. You are Jehovah-Rophe, the God Who Heals. Praise be to Your name!

A synopsis of the last 4 months

Four months and 5 days ago my life changed dramatically. The man of my dreams my partner in life and ministry called me from work, he got the test results from his cat scan back and it showed cancer. CANCER where did that come from that was the last thing I was expecting.
It took me a month to be able to even say the word "cancer". I was'nt prepared for that diagnosis and I was'nt prepared for the torrent of emotions that that phone call brings. A week latter I brought him to his first oncology apt the butterflies in our stomach that day were roughly the size of hippos. I had posted on my facebook page about the apt and how afraid we were and a friend wrote back and said remember that satan comes to steal kill and destroy and the first thing he wants to steal is our joy. That is exactly what we needed to hear at the moment we now knew we had a long journey ahead of us and we needed to make a choice were we going to allow satan to steal our joy away. Satan can attack (and boy has he ever in every way) but we have the choice to look at circumstance or look to God and find some way to smile.
I would love to say that after that day I made my choice to look only to God and his promises and never doubt but I cant. There were days I would wake up strong and happy but by lunch I was in tears worrying about the "what ifs ". I would catch myself looking at Gary just so I could make sure that every inch of his face was etched into my mind so just in case the worst happen I would never forget.
We went thru several doctors and a ton of tests and 2 bone biopsies and finally some of our worst fears were realized he had Neuroendocrine cancer that had metastasised to the bone. And the last oncologist he saw told us that in his opinion he had only 2 to 3 years to live. My heart hurts even typing this. We were crushed emotionally so tired and in complete disbelief how can this healthy 40 year old be slowly dying in front of me. My kids how am I going to tell them. I would be a widow before I am 40 raising 3 teenage girls by myself . We completely fell apart that weekend sneaking away to cry in each others arms taking moments away by our self to cry out to God for help. We wondered what are we going to do. God gave us an amazing primary care doctor that called Gary that Sunday night and reminded him that doctors are not God that only God knew if he would live or die and He had his days numbered from the beginning of time. He helped us fight thru insurance red tape and got Gary an apt at a cancer clinic with a doctor that specializes in his type of cancer in Tampa. The last couple of months the storms in our life often roared so loud that hearing Gods voice was near impossible, so God found ways to break thru all that noise. In the last 4 months I have seen probably 10 of the most amazing rainbows I have ever seen and God would remind me that a rainbow is a symbol of Gods promise and HE promised he would NEVER leave or forsake us. Every time my heart was troubled and I got in my car and I mean EVERY TIME the Chris Tomlin song "I will rise" came on the radio. In that song there is a line that says (aprox) there will come a day when the clouds will be pushed away and my faith will be my eyes. I am believing my husband will be healed and we will live a long happy life together and I cannot wait for that day that my faith will be my eyes. Until that day I will run beside this awesome man I married and we will help each other on this journey with Gods help and the love and support of our church family our family and our myriad of friends.

Cancer update - 11/5

Well, I had my upper endoscopy and abdominal ultrasound yesterday. Both tests came back negative as the GI oncologist had thought.

Cancer update - 10/20

I had the last part of my octreatide scan today and my first meeting with the medical oncologist. The scans took a long time but were not a big deal.

The doctor wants to run some more tests against the biopsy samples. A lot of what he said was medical gobbledygook that I didn't fully follow, but essentially. he wants to run what he called a "c-kit" test to determine if the type of neuroendocrine tumors I have may be either something called GIST (which I looked up and it stands for Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumor) which is treatable and to eliminate myeloid leukemia as a possibility. Since my white counts have all been normal, I don't see how the latter could be possible. He wants to run some special blood tests that tests for certain "exons". He said an exon is a section of a gene. Since cancer is a cell mutation, if certain exons are the mutated ones, that indicates GIST. He also wants me to have an upper endoscopy done to check for GIST.

Cancer update - 10/16

Well I finally got an appointment with the medical oncologist scheduled for Tuesday, October 20 at 9:00 a.m. in Gainesville.

Cancer update - 10/5

My dad and I went to see the gastroenterology oncologist today. He says that since neuroendocrine tumors are metastatic by nature, our first course of action is to identify the primary source. This is usually the last part of the small intestine, but it can be elsewhere in the GI tract or on the lungs. I need to have an octreatide scan to help identify this. He says in some cases, the primary source is never identified, but that generally in those cases, chemotherapy would affect the primary source. If the octreatide scan reveals nothing, then a colonoscopy will be ordered. I had one back in January 2008 that showed nothing, but he said something could have come up since then. I've had some colon issues recently so that he said that he may elect to do the colonoscopy anyway even if the octreatide scan shows up something. He's not sure.

Health update - Cancer

I got the call from the orthopedic oncologist today. The results are not good. The results came back as neuroendocrine tumors which are malignant. The doctor let me know that this type of cancer is very rare and is outside of his area of expertise, so he was not able to give me too much information.

Cindy's sketch: Cassie and me at the altar

Cindy doesn't want me to share this picture with you because she thinks it looks silly, but it really touched me deeply. It was a quick sketch but I love what it conveys and I wanted to share it with everyone.

This morning during praise and worship, my 10-year-old daughter Cassie went up to the altar to pray by herself. She sometimes goes up to the altar when I do to pray over others and sometimes to pray with me, but she's never gone up by herself to pray before.

Health update - 9/9

I heard back from the orthopedic oncology nurse today finally on my bone scan. The results are “very encouraging”. She says that the doctors have conferred with the radiologist and they agree that there is little to no uptake on the scans, pointing towards the lesions being part of a benign process! Praise the Lord!