How I feel????

How do you feel?? As soon as we made it back to the room after finding out about the Liver Cancer the social worker came in and asked me that question and well at the time my answer was "like a mac truck just ran us over". We talked for a few minutes and then she let us alone to talk and the first thing out of Gary's mouth was "we really need to speed up you finishing your college". At that point fear set in, not about college I want to do that but fear over the motive for him asking that. The motive was with this news I know I am going to die and I want you to be able to care for yourself and the kids when I am gone. I got a little perturbed at him and told him not to ever think that way again or I will kill him!!! Once we got home I think the answer to how I feel changed to overwhelmed, I have three kids who don't understand why daddy is in so much pain and sleeps all the time. They just do not know how to handle whats going on with daddy and it is up to me to help them understand and deal with all that is happening. We are starting to see some behavioral issues and I know it is because of Daddy being sick but I am lost to try to help. I am waiting to hear the dreaded question again "is Daddy going to die?" Last time I got that question I told them honestly we are never guaranteed tomorrow so we just have to live and appreciate today. Today Gary woke up with an even more severe pain in his Liver the pain was so bad that he even had trouble breathing. The answer to the how your feeling question today was a numb fear. We had to call the doctors and they told us the radiation in the spine was more severe and the liver could wait till first of August. They gave him a pain patch that is supposed to be pretty powerful the prescription had to have the fact that he is a cancer patient on it for them to fill it. They did and now we are waiting the 18 hours it takes to start kicking in. I pray that when it does it will kick in big time and help him to feel better.This evening as I wasted time on Facebook games I was overwhelmed at the out pouring of love and help we received. It is such a blessing to know that the people that are telling us that they are praying for us are not just saying that and they truly are storming the heavens with us for his healing. We are both so tired and overwhelmed it is so wonderful to know that just like Moses did we have people holding our arms up. Tonight Gary really wanted a strawberry milk shake and he hadn't felt like eating anything all day so I went out and got him a milkshake at midnight ( thank God for steak and shake on the corner open 24 hours) I sat in the car for a few minutes just listening to the radio and one of my favorite songs came on and the verse goes "separated until the veil was torn moment that hope was born and guilt was conquered once and for all ...." That day hope was born so no matter what the doctors say they cannot take away my hope they aren't the ones who gave it to me to begin with!!!!
Tonight I am physically and emotionally exhausted I am overwhelmed at the gravity of the situation we are in, I am worried how everyone will cope with the challenges ahead, but I am hopeful that no matter what the next year holds for this family God has our back and will hold us in the palm of His hands. I am grateful for the people HE has placed in our lives that are coming in and relieving some of the pressures. Thank you Lord for ripping that veil and birthing hope for a hopeless world and thank you that even when my situation seems hopeless there is always hope in you. Thank you Lord for the people in our lives whose simple conversations have made such a difference in us and they will never now the impact they have had on our lives and our faith.

Gary update 6/9/10 - Not good news

I went in today for my PET scan and mapping for my upper spinal radiation. I am due for my "film check" this coming Wednesday, June 16, then my radiation will start the following day, Thursday, June 17, every weekday morning. I forgot to ask how many treatments it will be. I am assuming 20 like last time, but I'll talk to the doctor to be sure.

By far the most surprising and shocking news is what else the PET scan showed. I nonchalantly mentioned to the doctor that I had been having pain in my side a little but it wasn't close to any bone. We went and reviewed the PET scans and we discovered that the cancer has spread to my liver.

Gary update - 6/4/10 - Disappointed

We met with my radiation oncologist today to go over the bone scan results. In a nutshell, nothing showed up, meaning that I am NOT a candidate for the Samarium. We will have to go the traditional external radiation route.

The waiting Game yet again

Today I took Gary for what was supposed to be a quick bone scan done for the sole purpose to see if his bones soaked up the agent that the contrast is given in if it does than it is the same agent they deliver the radiation with so he would be a candidate for the systemic radiation (confusing I know basically scan is positive they will do systemic if it is not they will do external beam radiation). We got there and he came out in just a couple of minutes and he told me they gave him a shot and we have to come back in two hours, not what I wanted to hear but okay so we went to a local bakery and rewarded our patience with a goodie. We went back and they scanned him then made him wait then the radiologist said he wanted a few more pictures. They took pictures of his hips,ribs,spine and shoulders and made him wait until those were looked at. We were there from 10 - 3. We left EXHAUSTED and for Gary even more pain then he was all ready. Now we have to wait till Friday to find out about the scans and why all the other pictures. So it is hurry up and wait yet again we should be getting used to that lol. I could try to guess about things but I am just going to give it all to God whichever radiation he gets will be tough on him and God will be the one who sees us all thru...

Thank you so much God for seeing us thru every step of the road and I know you will help us down this new avenue we are going to have to go down. I look forward to the day when he walks in the healing I know you have for him, until then thank you Lord for not letting the storms over take us.

In the midst of what you are going to read Gary got his socks blessed off yesterday at his birthday party. He was surrounded by friends and family all celebrating with him and laughing and loving it was an amazing time. Thank you to all who came you will never know how much you contributed to the Garys moral..

This week has been a tough one . Gary has been in such unbearable pain that he has had to be on so many pain meds that he is only awake for a few hours a day . Its funny we have been congratulated all week on the good news that things have not spread but the cancer has intensified where it is and is hurting him so much the good news of no spreading doesn't seem so good. It is so hard to see him go thru so much and so hard on the whole family the kids are having to keep quiet while daddy sleeps and all the things we used to do together now I have to do alone the majority of the time. Wednesday I take him for a bone scan to see if he is a candidate for the systemic radiation and hopefully Thursday or Friday we will go back to the oncologist and start whichever kind of radiation he needs. Last round of radiation he cried in my arms saying he couldn't do anymore radiation. The pain has been so severe this time he is actually asking when can we start the radiation. This has been such a long haul and I think the whole family is just so tired, we all know to what radiation does to daddy and we are all nervous about seeing him go thru that again but it is necessary. Please pray strength for this family spiritually, mentally and physically and most of all continue to pray for Gary ,bless his heart ,he is trying so hard to be there the best that he can be and it is so hard for him not to be able to do the things that he wants to do and also please pray which ever radiation they choose for him it will work quickly and effectively.

Lord Jesus thank you for walking with us thru this storm I know your hand holding our is the only reason we have not sunk below the waves thank you Lord Jesus

Gary update - 5/29/10

I went to see my radiation oncologist yesterday. We were so glad that everything he said matched almost verbatim with what the radiation oncologist in Tampa had said on Wednesday.

He said that one of the main reasons a bone scan is the best way to determine if I'm a candidate for the Samarium or not is that the bone scan contrast uses the same medium that is used by the Samarium, so if the cells uptake the contrast, they will also uptake the Samarium. So if the lesions show dark meaning no uptake, I am not a candidate and if they light up, then I am a candidate.

Gary update - 5/26/10

Well I had my appointment at Moffitt today. Overall the news is very good. The latest contrast CT scan I had today showed no difference from the scan done in January. No new lesions have formed and it does not appear that the existing lesions have grown. The doctor admitted that it is difficult to tell with bone lesions whether they have truly grown or not, but there has been no spreading. Praise God!

The main point of our discussions centered around my latest pain developments. I have been having increasing pain in both shoulders which radiates down my arms and up into my neck, making it difficult to turn my head and giving me chronic headaches as well. The pain is worse on the right side, but it is present on both sides to some degree. The doctor said that, although the CT scan showed no new lesions, that does not mean that the existing ones may not have increased in intensity or depth, so he is certain that the cause of the shoulder and neck pain is due to the cancer. More radiation is going to be necessary, but the exact type needs to be determined.

Next Week

It is Saturday and I am sitting here thinking about all that is going to happen this next week.  Sunday thanks to Gods provision we are getting our car fixed.. It has had a radiator hose leak which makes the car run hot sometimes and we have to stop and fill the radiator with water, you can live with it thru town but when you have to travel lonely country roads to get to Tampa it gets a little scary, so I am so grateful that is getting fixed. Also on Sunday I get to watch my baby sing in the ensemble at church, I love watching him sing. Then the week hits a low point on Wednesday we head early in the morning back to Tampa for yet another doctors appointment and scan. This scan will be compared with the one a couple of months ago to judge how fast the cancer (notice I said the not Gary's)  has spread and where he will need radiation to help slow the growth down . Then Thursday I get to graduate two students from level one cake decorating they have been so fun to watch so I am looking forward to that. Friday is another low point we go to the radiation oncologist office ( did you ever think there were so many types of oncologists) to schedule the amount and frequency of the radiation. This is what I am really dreading 6 more weeks maybe of radiation the last six weeks just about killed him and me, by the end we were just so dragged down we were numb and I don't want that again but I know that is what he needs and if it will help his pain and slow that nasty cancer down it is worth it. I am just going to have to really plan for this one..Luckily my week will end on a high note we are going to have lunch on Sunday with a few of our dear friends some old ones some new to celebrate Gary's birthday. His birthday was actually April 30th but we were on our Memories of Love trip and when we got back his grandmother passed away so between those we are just able to get to his party. This will truly be a celebration of the strength and character that he has shown going thru all this cancer nonsense. I am really proud of him how he has maintained his faith and strength and continues to wage war against cancer everyday I am so proud to be his wife and cannot wait to celebrate him next Sunday. So there you have it the picture of a true roller coaster week. Lord have mercy and help us getthru with what little sanity we have left :)

Our last Art Therapy

Last night was our last art therapy and boy was it a heavy one. Gary and I have managed to keep the tears to a minimum thru the sessions but lost it last night.The kids wrote get well cards to Daddy which in themselves would have made you cry. Things like "I want to go camping with you again daddy" and "I just want you to feel good again". The things that made us loose it was our letters to each other. I told him how every time I saw an old couple walking hand in hand I plead with God to give me that gift with him. And how he was my prince charming and the keeper of my heart and I wished him complete health and no matter I will stand with him hand in hand thru what ever comes our way.. His letter made me cry at the time but made me breakdown latter that night I have to admit I need to reread the letter to get all that it said but the thing that shattered my heart was he said "if the worse happens I want you to find someone who will love you and the kids and be happy" He told me those are things that I wanted to get down on paper so you can never question what I want .. I only cried a little at the time but his written words rang in my head all night long and right before bed the flood gate of tears just burst..
Last week we found out that Gary's Cancer is spreading and May 26th we will find out exactly how much. May 28th he goes back to the Radiation oncologist to schedule more radiation. I am terrified that on the 26th the doctors will tell him that the cancer has spread so much that there is nothing more they can do. I know I need to put my trust in the Lord and I know that no matter the next step in our road God will be there HE always has been but I am tired and it is so hard. I barely made it thru the last round of radiation with out loosing my mind how are we going to get thru another round.

Lord of Heaven hear our cry and give us your peace that passes all understanding and help us to seek the refuge in your hands.

Gary update - 5/7/10

Our vacation to Orlando went very well. We visited Animal Kingdom and Sea World. Sea World was unmercifully hot, so hot that we left early. Fortunately we've been there before enough times that we didn't miss anything we hadn't been to before. It's amazing that there is virtually no shade in the entire park!

On Friday, my birthday of all days, despite a good day having breakfast with SpongeBob and other Nick characters and a great day playing in the pool with the kids, I began to slowly develop pain in my right shoulder. At first I thought little of it -- I assumed I had pulled a muscle or something. Sea World was Saturday, and we planned to go to Magic Kingdom on Sunday. Unfortunately, my shoulder got worse, radiating pain into my neck and mid back. We were also still worn out from the heat exhaustion from Sea World. Even the kids just wanted to hang at the hotel on Sunday. Fortunately the tickets are good for two weeks, so the plan is to head to the Magic Kingdom tomorrow and spend the day there, assuming that I can tolerate it.

My shoulder, back, and neck pain continued to worsen throughout this week. I finally went to the ER Wednesday morning because the pain was radiating into my head and my rib cage, making it difficult to breathe. The ER doctor was unfortunately and to put it diplomatically, a moron! He said that it was a neck sprain -- simple soft tissue trauma. We tried to explain with the bone cancer, it may not be so simple, but he didn't want to do a CT scan or x-ray because in his words, "you've already had enough radiation".

He prescribed prescription strength Ibuprofen, Lortab, and Valium (which he said is a good muscle relaxant). Of course the Valium has left me very tired and I was told not to drive, so I've been working from home this week.

Today I had a follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist. We explained the neck and shoulder pain I've been having. He agreed that the ER doc was an idiot and should have done a scan. He reviewed my last scans and said that there are cancerous lesions in my right collarbone and shoulder blade. He is sure that the pain is not soft tissue but is likely cancer related. That wasn't what we wanted to hear.

We explained that I'm going to Moffitt on 5/26 for a CT scan and the doctor there doesn't want to do the scan until all of the previous radiation side effects are gone. As such, my radiation oncologist wants to wait until after Moffitt to revisit my shoulder issue. I will meet with him again on 5/28. It is likely that I will need to undergo radiation treatments in my shoulder. The doctor doesn't anticipate any side effects from that except for fatigue, which I'm getting used to.

So once again things are up in the air. The doctor is going to speak with my doctor at Moffitt to see where to go from here. With the drugs I'm taking, they're keeping the shoulder and neck pain under control, but I know I can't stay on the Valium and function. I don't know if we'll be able to make it to the Magic Kingdom tomorrow like we've planned or not. I'm doing a little better today, so here's hoping.

We appreciate your continue thoughts and prayers. I know with the Lord's help and your support, we will make it through this.

Our Trip so far ....

Wow was this an amazing tip so far. Wednesday we went to Animal Kingdom , Thursday we decided to spend swimming in there gigantic pool and rest (what we needed most), Friday was Gary's 41st birthday and we started the morning off with a character breakfast. That was so much fun . We laughed when Squidward came out Merry screamed and went to hug him and as she did Dora came out and she did a 360 and yelled DORA and left poor Squidward hanging he looked at us and shrugged his shoulders. It was so cute after she realized what she did she worried all thru breakfast that she needed to go make things right with the dissed squiddy. All the kids participated in a parade with he characters and Daddy even got up and let them sing happy birthday nick style to him. When the characters came around Merry and Annie greeted them all with joy and all of them gave Gary hugs and Cassie ignored them it was beneath her 11 year old self to hug a person in a suit. Well when squidward came back around Cassie wouldn't hug him and he began to play with her hair and annoyed her to know end it was awesome Gary and I were cheering for squiddy ( we are horrible I know). We swam some and watched the pool side show. Cassie got picked for the day before show and even got slimmed. Friday was Annie's turn on the show but her team lost and she didn't get slimmed. We them all went and got tattoos, good family binding tehe, then we went to a special birthday show with spongebob and got our family pic taken with him. We all laughed that all the kids had their ages on the buttons while Garys just had what was either a bow or an infinity sign :) After the show Gary took the girls and played in the arcade with them. Then as per our family tradititon Gary got to choose dinner we went to the Outback we LOVED it the kids were not impressed so we decided for the money Outback will remain a date night treat. Today the kids crashed a girl scout pool party downstairs while we let daddy sleep in (he was not feeling well) then we went to Sea world fun park HOT day both Gary and I started to get dehydrated and felt horrible by the end of the day. Annie and Merry had a sleepover tonight and I felt bad they were as dehydrated as sus and so did not want to go, hopefully they will have fun. Tomorrow we plan to swim the morning away and then hit Disney in the afternoon. Poor Gary is in some real pain so I am not sure how tomorrow will work out but the tickets are good till May 13 so we have options if the big Guy is in a bad way tomorrow. Over all this has been an amazing restful recharging time. We have all so needed a break from all the stress of Cancer and life and this trip has done that for us no work,school or house issues NOTHING but rest and relaxation. Thank you Memories of Love for giving us a wonderful opportunity to build these amazing memories with our children. Ahh now to go back to that hard life of R and R. Hugs and Kisses from Orlando's Nick Hotel

WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY

In less than 24 hours we will be standing in DISNEY world. All though it is a little depressing knowing how we got this trip ( Memories of Love its like Make a Wish for adults) I am so excited to be going. I have wanted so bad to take my girls to Disney for a long long time but have never been able to now tehe. This will be a week filled with memories and special moments that the kids will never forget and neither will I. Thank you all for lifting this family up and I ask that you would say a special prayer for health on all while we are on this trip. Strength for Gary as we trek thru the parks and health on my accident prone girls as they swim and run around for a whole week. When we get back I will be sure to post pictures of the girls very first trip to Disney eeeeee I am so excited!!!!

Art Therapy week 2

This week was Art Therapy week number 2. This week we all did strong boxes. These are folded paper boxes that we wrote on the top in white crayon the things that made us strong and as we painted the paper the invisible white letters became visible. Inside the box held little secret slips of paper that held our fears. Some of my fears were "being a widow by 40" "watching my big strong man fade". Gary's mostly were about us about not being able to provide for us. One of his biggest fears is that if something happens to him we would loose our home (he is my knight). The kids came bounding back into the room and of course they told us there fears were things like " I am afraid of Winnie the Pooh" or "I am afraid of bees". As they ran out to get some energy out on the playground I did what every good mom would do so don't judge me :) I looked in Cassie's strong box and they did take it seriously but like we all do more often than we should the true fears where folded in humor. Tightly folded was " I am afraid Daddy will not be able to play with me like he did" and " I am afraid things will never be the same again". As tears filled my eyes I reassured Gary they are taking it very seriously and closed up the box.

The girls have clung to art therapy they are with kindred spirits this has been a group where they can be comfortable with everyone,the teachers are there for them and the kids are in the same boat as them. It has been great for Gary too because he feels like he is not alone there are others who are facing this horrible beast of cancer. He is seeing the faces of the other people in the group and realizes that the flood of emotions that we are going thru is not unique to us. I on the other hand I tend to put myself in go mode and try hard not to think about things I KNOW but it is easier to just to move forward but nights like these make me stop and really deal with the emotions that are there. These people aren't interested in a trite "I am fine" answer they dig and its good but wow is it hard.



God in heaven take heed of all those fears placed in those strong boxes and replace those fears with the peace that passes any understanding so that we can not walk in fear but in the blessed assurance that you are with us no matter what..

El Nino

We just got home from our second trip to Tampa in one week. Last week was our 3 day marathon trip to Moffitt and this week Gary's Grandmother passed away and her funeral was this weekend. In between time we started art therapy so it has been one heck of a week. People say keep your chin up this is just a season well it is an El Nino Season.
I was really glad the kids did well this weekend they have been so tired from our last trip I was worried. Tired children equal Hell for adults. They came in to the funeral and struck up conversations with everyone figuring out if the people were family or not. They so enjoy being with people I love that about them. Cassie made fast friends with a the granddaughter of Grandmas husband they chatted about everything from serial killers to terrorists (eleven and a half year old minds gotta love it). They are such good examples to me about how even when the world is one challenge after another and you really want to just sit in the corner and cry there is still a world around us that needs us to be a part in it. And there are still people that need us to be friends with them. We have a new week ahead of us and I am going to try to take a cue from my rug rats even tho we are going thru and El Nino season of trials there is still life to live and Friend to make and fun to have. So as a dear friend of mine told me to do I will go in to the week singing one day at a time sweet Jesus..

Side note the funeral was a lovely funeral very sweet and a wonderful celebration of Grandmas life. I told Gary that when I die I don't want simple I want a multimedia celebration with singers, smart light,instrumentalists and a program with pictures in it. He laughed and told me and a disco ball rising from your coffin with staying alive playing in the back ground :) I smiled and said yep now you got the idea tehe

Art Therapy

Tonight was our first night at Family art therapy. We started out the night horribly lost, then once we got there they informed the kids that instead of pizza they were going to have chicken salad on pita bread and fruit salad. Anyone want to venture a guess how the kids took that revalation :). We sat as a family during dinner or as my girls made sure we knew was really a snack, during dinner we got to meet all the staff. All the staff and volunteers were so nice everyone bent over back words to make this a pleasant experience, the lady in charge of name tags even said she would make Merry's doll a name tag next week (that just about made me cry). Then we broke up the kids went to their groups then the adults went to theirs. We shared how our children were coping with treatments and shared how hard it was to sit and look at our kids sweet faces and tell them that daddy had cancer, then I shared how I have had to Field pointed questions like "is Daddy going to die?". We all agreed how do you answer that. Everyone there had different forms of cancer and at different stages but we all had one thing in common our spouses had cancer that could possibly kill them and we had small children who we have to try to preserve their mental health while not loosing our own.
I was a little surprised my my feelings after the group I thought I would feel so much better but I really didn't. I am not sure why but when I got home a full on bummed out was my mood. I am happy the kids enjoyed themselves they LOVED the art and they are thrilled we will have a party on the 6th week at the Cummer. I haven't told them some of their art work will actually hang at the Cummer yet that will be the ultimate for them. Even though I am a little down tonight I cannot wait to go back one thing felt good being with people who were in exactly the same boat as us. I now have 5 new amazing families to add to my prayers.

Lord bless those families that were represented tonight bless them with your peace, provision for all the miriad of medical expences and health, touch their bodies Lord and heal them of this horribloe disease and grant those sweet children the gift of both parents.

Another Step on the LONG winding road

Well we made it back frim Tampa and with the help of my wonderful inlaws we came back with our sanity well sort of :). The apt was not what we had hoped. We were hoping to go in and they say the scans showed the cancer is stable, but instead they said the scans were inconclusive (the worst word in the english language) and they needed to do another round of different scans in 6 weeks. During the exam Gary told the doctor about the pain he has in his rib and shoulder and that the Radiation oncologist had seen something on the shoulder but he wasnt sure what it is, thats when the Doctor told us that he was fairly certain that the cancer has spread there and when we scan in 6 weeks we will confirm. WHAT SIX MORE WEEKS is what I wanted to say. If you are fairly certain then go scan his behind NOW.. He talked about adding more medicines to the mix in 6 weeks and then more radiation. It is just all so overwhelming sometimes. We ended up going to lunch crying a little then when we got back to the hotel we just sort of collapsed and thanks to Grandma and Grandpa we were able to actually take a little nap. By the time we woke up this morning we have sort of pulled ourselves together realizing that we serve a BIG God and we are surrounded with so many wonderful loving people how can we go wrong. So this journey has still got a long way to go but I thank you for standing with us and letting us know we are never alone. I am truly grateful for all that has been done for us from phone calls, facebook messages to meals it all lets us know we are loved and that you are standing with us.

Gary update 4/9 - Day 3 - Another "big day" fizzles

We had our visit with the neuroendocrine doctor today to go over the octreatide scan results. Another disappointment: The results were "inconclusive". He mentioned the drug sandostatin again and said that "statin receptors" in the neuroendocrine cancer cells are what uptake the octreatide. In my case, they are not. He says this does happen in 1 of 10 neuroendocrine cancers.

The “What If” game I have been sitting in this hotel room playing this mind game. It is not a pleasant game ,not helpful at all. It is so hard to wait for the doctors visit tomorrow!! It is like our whole peace and provision rides on that appointment tomorrow and I know all that is in God but it is so hard. I am praying that they will tell us “the radiation worked wonders and nothing has spread and all is well come back in 6 months”. What I fear they will tell us is” the radiation worked some but unfortunately the cancer has spread and he needs to quit work immediately and begin further chemo/radiation treatments” . Or even worse “the cancer has spread and there is nothing more we can do go home be with your family and get your affairs in order”.
Now I know that the “what if” game is not of God and I know that is not the thing HE wants us to do. I KNOW HE wants us to cast off all vain imaginations and put ALL our trust in the one who created us in our mother’s womb. My mind knows that but my heart is having trouble believing my mind. I guess a lot of the “what if” game is actually fear. Fear of loosing my husband and being a widow in my thirties. Fear over how in the world we will survive without Him. Fear over how would I ever learn how to use his checkbook software with out him . Then there is the fear of how will we make it if he goes on disability how will the mortgage be paid? Even working 50 hours a week I don t think I could make half of his salary. Emotionally how am I going to be there for my kids if we have to see daddy so sick again or worse how will I help them thru if we loose him. How would your daddy dying when you are a teenager screw you up mentally. I was 28 when my dad and it was horrible. I told Gary if he left me to raise three teenage girls alone he would rest in peace till I got there then watch out!!
OK maybe venting on all of my blog readers will get the “what if game” out of my head so maybe tonight I can sleep unlike last night  Thank you for listening to my irrational venting. I don’t have an impartial person to really sit down and unburden with so I really appreciate you blog readers very much. I know that you are praying for this family and I truly am grateful. You all are great listeners 
Lord Jesus I pray that you will fill my mind with your perfect peace the peace that passes all understanding….

Just for a giggle: I have a daughter who is almost thirteen full on into the ditzy teenager phase. Yesterday when we were waiting for Gary in the Lobby of the Moffitt CANCER hospital she looked at me and said it sure seems like there is a lot of people with cancer here? I just had to say well DUHHHHH where are we she answered ”Moffitt “ I said ok finish the name of the hospital and my 9 year old who is going on 29 piped in and said Moffitt CANCER hospital of course the people around here are going to have cancer gesh  gotta love sisters :)

Tampa bound !!!

Well we are putting the final touches on our trip to Tampa for yet another visit to Moffit. I have to admit I am pretty anxious. The doctors will will let us know how his cancer is doing whether it has gone down, about the same or has or spread. Please pray for us as we head down with three kids in toe. We need grace for the apt, grace for traveling mercies and grace for provision to cover expenses. Thank you all for walking with us on this journey we will keep you posted.

I am so proud of my Gary

I am so proud of my sweet man. He is finally starting to feel more like his old self and he jumping rite back into life. This weekend he is going to sing in the Church's Easter pagent he also is singing a solo in the communion portion of the program. This is challenging when you feel a hundred percent so I know this is really tough for him. I am also proud of him for picking up his guitar again. He had put his guitar down when the one doctor told him that he had two maybe three years left to live. I think he is finally coming to a place of trust in God that HE is the one who numbers his days not some goofey doctors. We have no idea what tomorrow holds for us but no one does. This month is a big month we start the month with a trip to Tampa to see of the Cancer has spread and then the 24th we go and see if there will be anymore radiation and then we get to forget about all the doctors and go to Disney at the end of the month. We also start family art therapy on the 13th. As you can tell this month is going to be a wild one for our family filled with fun and nerves. I covet your prayers as we enter into this month with so much going on.

Gary update 3/30 - 1 week out

Well, I'm 8 days past my last day of radiation. I'm doing better, but definitely not back to 100%. I feel about 80% right now, and I'm trying to pace myself. Pushing it takes me back down. I'm still wrestling a bit with stomach cramps and my appetite isn't what it normally is, which may not be a totally bad thing :) .

Trusting God

The last six weeks have left me pretty much emotionally bankrupt. It has been really hard watching my vibrant husband turn into a pail sleepy version of himself. You are going to think I am nuts but thru all this time my biggest worry and fret was that the kids will not have Easter dresses and baskets. I know that is not a huge priority but to the girls and I it is a priority I am not able to get them many clothes and haven't been shoe shopping in a long time, that is the same way when I was growing up but at Easter we got new clothes and shoes and in our Easter basket I always got my hair accessories and some resses eggs (favorite even today but they only made eggs when I was a kid now they do harts and trees and every holiday there is something:)and I was petrified the year we need a since of normal more than EVER we were not going to have that. Well I prayed and asked God to help and them went and bought the dresses and Easter baskets even when we really did not have the money. Coming home from the store yesterday God yelled at me and told me "you didn't wait for MY provision on this this dress issue!!!!" well I got a little snotty with God (thank you Lord for grace ;) "It was stressing me out and I just cant handle that right now and why were chatting you said you would help me God we need your provision on so many things and so far NOTHING". In tears I pulled into the drive way and went inside and checked my email and on there was a facebook from a lady who told me they had prayed for out family and they felt like God wants them to bring us dinner and would that help and be a blessing to us. I yelled at my computer YES IT WOULD BE.. So in one moment God reminded me even tho His ways are not mine HE still has things under control..And He cares about what I care about. He just felt the need this morning to drive that point home with me today when I dropped my girls off and was listening to the radio the announcer started quoting from Isaiah 43 and said several verses that went straight to my heart but the one that I remember most says something like when you are in the sea of storms I am with you and the water will not overtake you!!! He didn't say it wont get to your eyelids and your now breathing thu a straw but it will not over take me!!!!
Thank you Lord for your word, your servants who listen and most of all thank you for holding our little family in the palm of your hand so even if we are tossed about you will not allow the waves to destroy us..

Gary update 3/22 - Radiation Graduation!

I found out my radiation actually ended TODAY not tomorrow like they originally said! Praise God! So I'm done with radiation, at least for now. I met with the doctor this morning and he said I could expect the radiation side effects to linger for two weeks! Yikes! Of course, he said that it won't be like two weeks from today, I'll suddenly feel better. He says it will be gradual. Having gone through weekends with no treatments, I know that the side effects won't go away in earnest for at least two to three days. So I'm excited yet sick as a dog at the same time. I've been in bed most of the day today. This has been typical during my treatments, some good days, and some bad days. Unfortunately there have been more bad than good, so I apologize for such a long time between updates, but it's been a whirlwind of fatigue and sickness, and trying to find time for work and family in between. Needless to say it has been a difficult five weeks!

My heart just breaks

This was a song that we had sung at our wedding. It isn't your typical wedding song but I felt really strong about this song. Marriage is not an easy thing and this conveyed the message I wanted my groom to hear. Boy I never knew how much this song has been the anthem of our marriage. We went thru the loss of a baby, several operations and illnesses of mine and three kiddos each with difficulties of their own and now Gary's Cancer. By any ones standards the last 15 years has been chock filled with soldering on both our parts.

When you are a soldier I will be your shield
I will go with you into the battlefield
And when the arrows start to fly
Take my hand and hold on tight
I will be your shield, 'cause I know how it feels
When you are a soldier

When you're tired from running
I will cheer you on
Look beside you and you'll see you're not alone
And when your strength is all but gone
I'll carry you until you're strong
And I will be your shield 'cause I know how it feels
When you're a soldier

BRIDGE
I will be the one you can cry your songs to
My eyes will share your tears
And I'll be your friend if you win
Or if you're defeated
Whenever you need me I will be here

When you're lost in darkness I will hold the light
I will help you find your way through the night
I'll remind you of the truth
And keep the flame alive in you
And I will be your shield
'Cause I know how it feels





Tonight Gary felt really bad, worse than before and he looked at me with tears in his eyes not knowing if he can fight this anymore. If the radiation stopped on Tuesday I think fight would be there but the doctors make it very clear that there will most likely need to be more radiation treatments. So you feel like that light at the end of the tunnel truly is an on coming train.

How do I hold his arms up in this fight all the time helping the girls deal with this each of who are struggling with this in different ways and home school and keep the house and grocery shop and make dinner how do I do this how can I be there for everyone and not loose my mind I can tell you our hair is growing greyer by the minute. I cant tell you how much I love that man in the other room. If you will, will you take a moment to pray for this family. Each person is having such a tough time dealing with this whole cancer thing and my poor sweet husband is in such pain it hurts my heart to see him suffer so much.

Lord please be with this family we need your strength and help to get thru this toughest trial we have ever faced.

Are we home yet?

Have you ever been on a trip, let's say in this case, a bad trip, and you're heading home. You want so bad to be home and it's hundreds of miles away. Those hundreds of miles can sometimes seem to melt away with home getting closer, but sometimes those last 10 miles or so can seem like FOREVER! That's the way I feel right now.

Medical bill follow up

Talked to doctors office today. There is something they do that isn't always covered but they told me when it's not they write it off and never bill the patient! Shew! That is like 3 grand wow thank you Lord for awsome oncologists.

The Other side of Cancer-medical bills

I am going with Gary tomorrow to his radiation apt not just to be with him when he sees the doc but to also ask the office about these statements from the inscurance company stating that for EVERY radiation apt he has had ,and that will be 25, we owe between 2500 and 3000 dollars per visit. Please oh please tell me that is not right. We have all ready shelled out thousands of dollars(don't get me wrong if it would heal him I would sell everything I owned) between doctor visits, procedures and medications. It is all needed stuff so I would never not do any of it but there should be something that says when you are in a battle for your very life doctors cant harass you. You know kinda like if they don't carry thru on their side of the deal (making him well) we don't have to pay them :) that sounds good to me. It is just another stressor in an all ready stress filled time.


Lord help us totally and completely put our trust in you for everything and I mean everything

It has been a loooooong weekend. Gary slept the majority of it :(. Monday week we will have the final radiation session for know. They made it very clear that the battle has just begun. Now we are dealing with Annie's thyroid. She went to her check up today and they were not happy with what they saw and they said they want her back in two months and then they will discuss other options if her thyroid has not shrunk dramatically. I am praying that in two months her thyroid will be totally normal. I tell you I am worn out this has truly been a marathon. We start family support group in a month and that will be invaluable for the kids. They try to be strong but every once in a while one will break down and ask us "if daddy is going to die and if he does what will happen to us". Handling those moments just about kills me. All I can say is that somehow we will make it and be all right. There has to be a breakthrough some time here. My strength is wavering:(

please God help us to run and not grow faint and help us to mount up on wings like eagles.

Radiation Rollercoaster

Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were amazing I had my old Gary back. He helped me around the house he was awake had fun with me and the kids and even went to church with me. Thursday the feeling good came crashing down. Thursday he slept most of the day and Friday he hurt and ached so bad he wanted to sleep but couldn't get comfortable. It was so nice to have him back to his his old self this week he hadn't felt that good for months I almost forgot about Bob Fitzgerald (see former post). He has 7 more days of radiation then I pray we will have more days when that spark of life is in his eye, not seeing it there breaks my heart.
Lord help guard my heart and my mind from worry and help me to be the wife that Gary needs.

Been an okay week!!!!!!

I am so thrilled to say after the crappy weekend in Savannah that the rest of the week has been OK. Gary has looked pretty good this week the nurse who gives him the radiation even commented on the sparkle in is eyes that hasn't been there for a while. He was in bad shape last night because he ate some fried food that didn't sit well with him. This radiation has messed him up on eating sort of a forced bulimia is how he puts it. I just finished the application for our family to be given a Orlando Disney vacation. This organization is sort of like a grown up make a wish which is sort of depressing but Merry has been praying for us to get a real vacation to just be together and if this could help answer her prayers so be it :). Eight more days of radiation at least this round they told us there may need to be more rounds. Three weeks till Gary and I go back to Tampa for two days and hopefully 6 weeks till Disney (the dates we requested for the vacation daddy's birthday). I am thankful for a couple of guys from church who came out this week to mow and clean up our yard we have a really pretty yard again I am so thrilled :) Poor Gary hasn't felt up to doing the yard in a long time because of his hip originally and now because of treatments and several months of not being able to work in our yard and 17 pine trees well you can imagine the mess.
We are so grateful for friends and family who are walking this journey with us we truly could not do this without your support. There have been more times than I care to admit that I have been about to mentally crack when someone would pop up on facebook chat at just the right time or offer a hug or just be there at just the right time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for us we love you.

Savannah Busted - cancer strikes again :(

The weekend started off tough the original plan was to take the kids with us this weekend and while I was in a confrence for work. Gary was not up to dealing with the children all weekend so we made plans for then to stay with parents and we were going to be back sunday night and all would be well. Well saterdays confrence was good and we even got some take out and had a nice evening. Unfortunatly at like 5 am the nausea and diareaha started again and after he got to the hotel from taking me to the confrence he added throwing up to his day. We ended up having to stay another night in savannah and he has been strugling all night between throwing up and being stuck on the potty. We are a little more then halfway thru radiation and I sure cannot wait for it to be over. When he was just gettting his hip radiated he was ok when they added the spine they shot the radiation thru his abdomen and he has been toast ever since. I guess I should have not pressed coming to this confrence but it was required for my job and all I really wanted was just a break!!!! I guess the break isnt going to come for Gary or I any time soon. If things were intermitent and you had time to recover things could be tolerated but for the last 6 months things have come fast and furious with NO break inbetween and I think Gary and I are reaching our breaking point I dont know how much longer we can go with out some bit of a respit in problems. It seems if Gary is feeling good something happens some where else. so I simply say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lord help me retain my sanity in this dessert season and Lord help us have some break in the dessert some time soon PLEASE!!!

Radiation Sucks!!!!!!

Okay tomorrow will be day 13 for radiation. I feel so bad for Gary he just cannot shake the sickies. He has been falling asleep earlier and earlier and just now I heard the side door fly open as he ran out to get sick. Seven more days of this heck for him and it may only be the beginning of the radiation. I feel so helpless to help him . So I am doing the only thing I can asking you all to pray that the side effects of this radiation will be minimized and the effects on the cancer will be maximized.

Halfway Point

Today marks the halfway point with Gary's radiation. It has been a very long journey up to this point. Sickness started about a week into the radiation and now on top of the radiation sickness we all have picked up a stomach bug. Last night I had a fever that peeked at 103.5 and woke up this morning to our eldest throwing up all over her room. Fun Fun !!
I have really enjoyed having Gary home this past 2 weeks we have had a lot of very special moments. We have 10 days left of this radiation then in three weeks we will be going to Tampa for another doctors apt to discuss further options and to see how the radiation did.
Everyday is a challenge to keep fighting for Gary. It is so hard to see him struggle with this horrible disease. Everyone thinks Cancer is a disease of the body but it is even more a disease of the mind. You have to wake up every morning choosing to fight and not let this disease win. It is so hard when you feel so bad. I have been very proud of him even when he feels bad he will see little things that we desperatly need him for and his resolves grows. He tried to explain the computer program he wrote to do our finances the other day and I looked at him and told him "Hellloooo you cant die cause heck if I will EVER understand this stupid thing".
I am not stupid I know what the statistics are for his cancer but I also know the God who made Gary and who is so far above all earthly doctors.
When I was going thru some pretty bad medical issues a few years ago I worried that I would not make it thru all the issues I was facing and I fervantly prayed and what God told me suprised me. He told me when it was my time to die that I may not like it but I would be at peace with the idea of going to heaven,and as long as I am not at peace with it then its not my time. That is what I told Gary and what I tell anyone else facing a horrilbe disease. God is not going to take you kicking and screaming to heaven when it is your time you will have a peace that passes all understanding. There is no Biblical basis for this just experience when facing my own mortality.
In the battle we are in I remind Gary of that and I remind him of the word God gave us about Merry when she was born, That she would bring us joy in our old age and well last time I looked 40 was not old!!!! And when we started this battle God told us that Gary would dance at Merrys wedding. So we hold fast onto the words of God and NOT look toward any earthly thing and believe in faith for Gary to be healed. We rejoice with another gentleman that had Garys type of Cancer who was given a clean bill of health after they said his end was drawing near(Gary will blog about him latter its a cool story) and we claim the letters to be spoken over Gary and our friends with Cancer the letters are "N*E*D" NO EVIDANCE OF DISEASE Lord may that day come soon!!!!

Trust

"Trust" why are these the hardest 5 letters in the English language. I found myself this week with a stress headache for two days worrying about how we will make it if Gary goes on disability, worried about paying for hotel rooms for 2 up coming trips (one business and one doctor ), worried about Cassie's school and making sure we do what we have to do to keep her teacher off my back and last night our car boiled over and we had to eat dinner at the MacDonald's parking lot to wait for it to cool down before we drove home. God made a way with work for now (shew) but all the other stuff is still weighing so heavily on my mind. Last night I got ticked at myself why do I continue to worry to the point of migraines. Maybe if God had never provided anything for us before I could worry but lately this blog isn't long enough to hold the unexpected blessings God has poured out on us. It truly has been a "provisionpaloza" lately. So last night as I sat in my room thinking about all this I wrote out our immediate needs and put on a note on the computer and decided I will do the natural and allow God to do the supernatural. I will think about the day we got our family portrait done and how I sat and cried looking at the rain and for the hour we were getting our portrait done the skies were a glorious blue. So if God cares enough to roll the clouds back for us to get our portrait than I have nothing to fear. The Bible tells us not to worry God clothed the birds and the Flowers (big time paraphrase) how much more does He care for us.
Oh Lord of blue skies and blue birds thank you so much for always being a wonderful father and thank you for constantly surprising us with new ways you tell us "I LOVE YOU".

Stressing out BIG time

I have to admit I am stressing so much today. It is hard enough to be there for everyone who needs encouraged, we call it "talked off the ledge". Be there to help the kids with their schooling maintain a home and feed people(if it wasn't for my mother I shutter to think what condition my house would be in) sort girl scout cookies and do ten million other things that go into my day. Today Gary had a call from his boss suggesting that he go on short term disability or take family medical leave. Disability would lower is income by half and family medical leave would mean no income at all. I have no real job skills to speak of. I have been a mom for 13 years I could go out and kill myself 80 hours a week and still not come close to the salary Gary makes. I guess the stress comes from my security if we have no money I cant feed my children and I cant pay our mortgage and keep our lights on. I guess this is a lesson about trusting God for everything and I mean everything. I have no reason to doubt God's provision His grace has poured out on us so much but I am really scared how are we going to do this how are we going to make it thru. Gary needs the work break to concentrate on healing I know leave will be the best and right thing for him and us but I don't know how we will pay our mortgage. I guess we have given God another chance to work a miracle.

Lord help me to learn to trust you completely and totally and know that you see when a sparrow falls you will see our need and meet it. Thank You Jehovah Jirah

For just such a time as this

¹⁴ For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”
(Esther 4:14, New King James Version)

Through my ordeal with my neuroendocrine cancer, I have befriended another man who also has the same type of cancer. The main difference is that his developed in his lungs not his bones. He had to have radical surgery to remove one of the lobes of his lungs but was doing very well. When we last spoke in December, he was very upbeat about his prognosis with the cancer and encouraging me that all would be well.

The last month or so has been hectic and we lost touch. I felt the Lord strongly urge me to call him today, so I looked him up and gave him a call. I was not prepared for what he told me.

He said shortly after we talked in December, he started to develop what he thought was pneumonia. The doctors prescribed antibiotics, but nothing seemed to help. He finally contacted Moffitt and the same doctor's office I am going to, and they ordered a new octreatide scan, as they were concerned that the cancer may have recurred and spread. He had the scans last week and the preliminary results do not look good. He still has some follow up, but he and the doctors fear the worse. He said the doctors have prepared him for the prospect that the cancer has spread and that he may not have much time left.

This was such a shock. How quickly things changed. A few months ago, he was doing better and looking forward to the future. Today, he is facing death and trying his best just to keep his head above water. He is a Christian and has been praying for me daily. He has assured me of his eternity with the Lord, so that is not a concernI felt very guilty that, although I have prayed for him, it has not been as regularly as it should have been.

He has the assurance of eternity as I do, so he is not sad. I admire his strength. Personally, this news hit me like a ton of bricks. My pastor often speaks of something happening that drains all the joy out of you, as though someone unscrewed your big toe and all the joy ran out. That's how I suddenly felt. I was so dumbstruck that I didn't say much in return. I fumbled and said a few encouraging things, but unfortunately, I was thinking mostly of myself. The last thing my friend said to me was, "Well, we know that the long-term prognosis of this type of cancer is not very good." I know that. I've done my internet research, and I know that medically, the options are limited. I am not in denial; I have simply been reckoning on a higher reality than medicine and doctors. I have staked my faith on the Great Physician -- the Lord God Almighty. Still, this was a hard pill to swallow.

I had looked to my friend as an inspiration regarding my healing. Now I feel that slipping away, and it scares me to think of my own prognosis, so far as the world is concerned. This hit me hard and my faith faltered. I moped around most of the afternoon and evening and couldn't pull my head out of the fog. This dredged up all the doubts and fears that always linger just below the surface. It calls into question so many of the questions I have had about God's healing -- questions that I still can't reconcile in my own mind. I think of several friends that I have lost to cancer, one friend in particular that I have never been able to understand. I prayed and prayed for her, fasted for her, cried out to God for her healing, as so many many others did, and yet she still died, leaving a grieving husband and a young son behind. Yes, God was good to her husband and son and provided a great lady for them. I'm selfish though. I don't want someone else to be my wife's husband! I don't want someone else to raise my children! Me, me, me! Is that selfish enough?

I have sensed so strongly that God has promised me 40+ more years on this earth. He has work for me to do here and He knows that Cindy and the girls need me, yet I grapple with so many questions. God is no respector of persons, so I no more "deserve" healing than anyone else does. It is like salvation -- a gift that came through the shed blood of Jesus (see previous posts). By that, I rest on that promise, yet I ask myself, "Who am I to claim MY healing, when others who did the same died?" Am I being selfish? Am I being foolish? These are questions I'm struggling to understand.

Cindy and I had a long talk about it tonight. It was a difficult talk with a lot of tears and things said that would not befit a man of faith. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, yet Cindy spoke the Lord's words to stop looking at myself and to realize that God had me call my friend today KNOWING that I would learn this news. Why? I don't fully know, but I know partly that it is because I need to step up my prayers for him, prayers for healing. Prayers for a good report. Prayers for hope and not despair. My friend needs me now more than ever to stand with him. If the worst comes to pass, then I need to be there for him all the more even to the end. I know this, yet it is difficult, because in facing his mortality, I also face my own. I am not afraid to die. I know where I am going. Yet I struggle with what would happen to Cindy....my children. That is my failing, in not trusting the Lord enough to know that they are in His hands regardless of what happens.

I want to run away from this. It seems more than I can bear, yet perhaps, as Mordecai told Esther, it may be that I have been brought into this "for just such a time as this", to put aside my own fears and selfish desires and look outward to the needs and hurts around me, particularly my new friend. God, give me the strength to face these things, and forgive me for allowing my faith to falter. Forgive me for any selfish desires I have. Cleanse my heart, O God. Cleanse my heart of every hurtful way and every impure motive that keeps me from serving You and serving others with all my heart, above all else including my own life. Amen!

Deep Breath time to start a BUSY three weeks

Tomorrow Gary starts his second week of radiation. This week the doctors will continue the pelvis radiation but will add the lower back. He has done okay this week so I hope adding another site wont mess him up to bad. Tuesday he not only has the two spot radiation but we go straight from there to his medical oncologist for his monthly chemo type drug infusion. This drug has a record of kicking his butt so it kinda scares me what that on top of radiation will do :(. The kids are involved with kidquake kids service at our church so add in all those extra rehearsals as well as cookie booth for girl scouts a business training weekend in Savannah for me the next weekend and the next week a three day trip to Tampa for an extended doctors check up, that isn't including all the schoolwork, housework and all the million other things I all ready do and you see why I am a little anxious. How am I going to get all the "stuff" done that is normal life on top of taking care of the love of my life who I know will be down and out with all he will go thru this week and get ready for TWO out of town trips in TWO weeks and how are we gonna pay for it all. (KABOOM) that was my head exploding :) I guess I need to do what the title of this says take a deep breath and give it ALL and I mean ALL over to God and HE will take this jumbled mass of stress and give it peace. I read a funny quote in guidepost magazine that said "you know moses started out as a basket case" I love it that's so me :)

Lord I stop now and take a deep breath and breathe in your peace and let you Lord take over and have your way in me this week

Gary update 2/20 - Radiation week 1

My radiation started on Tuesday of this past week. I have four weeks -- 20 treatments -- altogether, so as of now, I'm 4 down, 16 to go.


I had hoped for no side effects and, although they have been relatively mild, I've had some big ups and downs this week. Other than the fatigue which I was warned about, I've been having really bad abdominal cramps. The doctor had mentioned nausea as a side effect, but I haven't had any nausea thank the Lord, but I've had these bad cramps. I asked the doctor about it and he agreed that these were a result of the radiation. He said that the bowels especially are very sensitive so that any disturbance in that area can set them off. Usually this results in nausea or irregularity, but in my case, he said that these types of cramps would not be unusual. He advised an over the counter remedy which has helped take the edge off, but that's all.

Been a long week!!!!

Wow this week has been tons longer than I thought it would be. Gary felt the affects of the radiation from day 1. But today he only took about an hour long nap and even went to choir practice at church. He has worked from home everyday(thanks to our lap top angels) and will probably do so for the entire month but today was pretty darn good. I am a little anxious for him, he starts radiation on a second spot on Monday so what will radiation on two areas do to him?
For us at home it has been a little difficult not only to see him not feeling well but we are having to adjust our schedule to fit him working from home. The kiddos are having to do something they aren't really good at "being quiet" :) I thank God for understanding teachers that know this month school work will be done at a slower pace.
I thank God we have made it this far. It has been a tough fight but we have managed to remember our vows to each other 15 years ago "sickness and health richer for poorer till death do us part". We tease we have masted sickness and poorer now we want to have a chance to master health and richer :).

3 days of treatment down 17 more to go... With Gods help all things are possible !!!!

Radiation - day 3

Well, I just got home from day 3 of my radiation treatments. So far, so good. Sometimes it takes a few hours for the treatment to "kick in" which usually means it kicks me in the butt, but I'm hoping that today will be a better day. I've been having a lot of fatigue and abdominal cramps. The doctors say this is definitely because of the radiation. I dread thinking this will be my life for the next 3 1/2 weeks. 3 down, 17 to go. I'm praying that this radiation will have the effect that it's intended to have on the cancer cells, but I'm believing that I will stop having these horrible side effects. God is good and is always faithful. I know He will help me through all of this. I will prevail. Amen!

Day two has gone pretty well Gary has been tired but not completely out. It broke my heart to see him so out of it. Something else that
made yesterday difficult was the kids, on the way to scouts they broke down in the car asking why everything shows people dying of cancer
and will daddy die. I told them people do die from daddy's cancer but we are trusting God the great physician. When they say marathon boy do they mean it for the whole family.

Please forgive me if this looks weird typing this on my iPod touch remotely. Aint technology grand lol

Radiation day 1

Gary had his first day of radiation this morning and it did not go well. If this is what we are going to face everyday for the next 4-6 weeks I don't know how we will all face it. Gary is ill. The kids take turns in tearful/angry fits and yet life still has to go on. I am tired and it has just begun.
Lord give Gary the strength to handle this radiation and let the radiation do its job and give my children a peace they have not had for a while and me strength to be there for all I need to be there for.

We are Humbled

This journey has been perioulus to say the least but it has been overwhelming, how many people have been praying for us. Last night we found out that Gary's moms sunday school class has comitted to praying for Gary every week instead of meeting for breakfeast. That is so humbling that a group of ladies would give up their social time to lift up our family in prayer WOW. Daily we have people tell us they are praying for us and you can tell they really mean it. We have had people tell us that they pray for us as a family with their kids, which I think it is so cool kids praying for kids. I have even had people stop to pray with me over chat on facebook. THANK YOU to all who have comitted to pray for us. The prayers are working God has shown himself so mightely to us and He continues to meet our needs in mighty ways.
We continue to be in aw and humbled and thank God everyday that we have a support system and we know that thru the effective fervent prrayers of our rightous friends we will see healing from this horrible disease.

9 hours

Well it has been a really awsome weekend we have all just rested in eachother and totally enjoyed each other. I thhink we are all taking a deep breathe bracing ourselves for the coming month of radiation. Nine hours from now we will be sitting at the Oncologist beginging the next step in our journey. What will this do to Gary? Will he get sick? Will it work?
Lord thank you for a wonderful weekend and Lord help us thru the next month.

Only one day left

This weekend has been one of the best weekends we have had in a long time. Gary took the girls to a daddy/daughter night at chick-fil-a on Friday night. I got my Ipod touch in the mail Friday from my nephew and niece, Gary went paint balling with friends and had a blast Saturday morning while I took Grandma and the girls out to lunch this afternoon. I also got something from Gary I really wanted, an overnight bag from Vera Bradley so I can check into hotels in Tampa in style. It has been so obvious to us that people have been praying for us to have peace and some refreshing because we have in spades. Gary's energy has been doing better this week than it has in a long while. I actually feel refreshed and ready to head into next weeks radiation. I am not sure how the radiation will affect Gary the doctors say he will have extreme fatigue and some nausea but who knows? I just thank God that He granted us a couple of days of peace before the next whirlwind begins. One more day then the practice run of radiation then Tuesday morning he begins the 4 to 6 week process. So please keep the prayers coming!!!

God you are so good to give us rest in the dessert places!!! God you R.O.C.K !!!!

3 days left

Well, we now have 3 days till Gary starts his first round of radiation. He has tumors all over his pelvis and lower spine and even a few sprinkled other places.They treat problem areas with radiation as they develop. This round they are going to focus on his right hip area and if he tolerates the radiation they will do his lower back at the same time, but he might have to wait on the back till after this four weeks. The next two months are going to be so challenging for us. I have a professional conference I have to go to for my job in March in Savannah and the Thursday and Friday after the conference we have to head back to Tampa for another scan and doctor apt.

We realized in the first 6 weeks of the year our family has had 3 ER trips 1 hospital stay, one trip to Tampa and too many doctors atpt to count so why would we think the next 6 weeks would be any different :)

Being gone so much has really affected the children and it isn't going to calm down any time son so please keep them in your prayers.

Lord grant us peace and strength to get thru this next month and help Gary make it thru this radiation without many side affects.

In the midst of the storm

I began this year looking so forward to 2009 being over knowing 2010 will be worlds better. SURPRISE! Things have not gotten better in fact they have gotten even a little more intense. But in the midst of the storms, some really cool stuff has happened. And God has been more present than ever before. Our life has been sort of like that picture above. That day was cloudy and stormy but when we needed God the clouds rolled away and God made a way for the photos to be taken. There have also been several things that have happened answers to prayer and provision from sources that were totally unexpected. As we face radiation in a week and are dealing with children who are increasingly angry that things are not the way they used to be and wont be in the foreseeable future. I thank God that He is all ready working to pull down barriers and making our paths straight and somehow we ARE going to get thru this I am not real sure how but I will look at the picture above and remember the clouds rolling away and think to the day when the clouds of sickness will roll away and life will return to a new better normal.

Gary update - 2/4/10

Well, I had my F Dopa Scan and mapping today. I didn't have a bad reaction to the F Dopa thank the Lord! I did get a slight headache, but nothing compared to the reactions I've had to some of the other stuff.

I will go in on Monday, February 15 for a "Film check" (verification of treatment planning) and then will begin the four weeks of radiation starting the following day, Tuesday, February 16, each weekday morning.

The Effect on the Children

Last night Merry pulled Gary aside and broke down into tears. She asked him if we could go on a vacation soon just us and not to visit anyone or go to a doctor JUST a vacation. She told him she was sorry for telling Grandma that she hated her but it was so hard because they have spent so much time away from us it hurts :(. Sometimes you forget that this Cancer thing affects the WHOLE family. It breaks your heart to see your child cry so fervently and she informed us that she knew finances would not allow it right now but she was gonna pray and she asked us to agree in prayer every night with her. Other than being stinking cute I am so happy to see that the first thing she turns to when things are tough is the Lord. Turning to the Lord will see her thru all that may come our way.
In reaction to this Gary suggested we take a late night family run to get a milkshake and drive down River Rd and just enjoy each other. Good Plan in theory!!!!
As soon as we walked out of our house Cassie yelled it looks CREEPY out here (the clouds were hanging low and it did look creepy) and look over by the woods behind the cemetery it looks really weird. That was enough to start the creep out then at McDonald's she looked at the guy behind us and whispered that guy looks like a bad guy!!! Then continued to look behind her frightened. Now she is trembling!!! We proceeded to drive down River Rd when Cassie yelled "I think I see a man in the woods" well that did it our peaceful drive turned into Cassie 11 laughing in glee and Merry screaming begging to be brought home RIGHT NOW!!! Got to love kids!!!!
Lord please help my Children lean on you to get them thru the trials that are still yet to come and help us Lord carve out time to be together.

One thing after another after another after another

People ask me if with all we are going thru does God feel distant and I have to say no. Both mine and Gary's relationship with God seems to be even stronger than before all this. "So what is wrong" is usually the next implication if you and God are good then all should be ok just let your burdens on the Lord and rest in HIM. Well Gary's health and our abysmal finances are firmly in His hands but that is not what is exhausting me. It is the constant stream of major crisis that have just about worn me to the core. I trust God he will heal Gary, I trust God that SOMEHOW the money to make all these trips to Tampa and the gas for a MONTH of radiation will be there supernaturally. I trust that He is my heavenly Father and He is as close as ever.
I have had to get up from being knocked down so many times in the last 6 months that it is slower to get up anymore. Please don't misunderstand what I am about to say. I would never think ever of taking my own life; however, I actually found myself the other day thinking boy heaven will be amazing it will be a hundred year hug from God and none of this other CRAP. Sometimes things like this make me long for Heaven even more :). I am not ashamed to admit I am so TIRED and we are not getting any break in between crisis they are just coming one right after another. Like child birth if you have a break between contractions you can get thru it, its just when the contractions never stop is when you start to loose it :).
Please God give us a break a time to fill up from all the stuff going on I thank you for never leaving us and always seeing us thru.

Gary update - 1/29/10

Well, it’s been an up and down week for us. I had my first appointment with the local radiation oncologist this past Tuesday (1/26). Despite the circumstances, this was a very positive appointment. Cindy and I were very pleased with the great attitudes of the office staff, the nurses, and the doctor. We met with a social worker there who told us about a program that helps children of cancer patients come to grips with their parent’s disease. They have a set of six weekly sessions. The next set of sessions begins in April, and we think we definitely want to get the kids involved. This meets at Riverside Presbyterian Day School close to where I work and they have people come from the Cummer Gallery of Art and Gardens to do art and craft projects with the kids that revolve around cancer and the kids’ feelings about it.


The first session explains to the children about things like what cancer is and treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation. One of the neatest art projects they told us about is called a “strong box”. The kids put together a box that they put slips of paper into that tell which things are helping them deal with their parent’s cancer, such as their faith, family, friends, etc. They also can write down their fears and place them into the box. These sessions are interactive with the parents involved too, with the hope of fostering openness with their kids about how they’re feeling. We’ve seen firsthand that it can be difficult for our kids to open up to us about my cancer, even though we have sat down with them several times to talk to them about it. Annie is struggling but prefers to deal with it privately which isn’t always good. Cassie usually will confide only in me, and I know from those confidences that she is very worried. Merry has had a lot of behavioral problems which we’re sure are related to the stress of this, but she doesn’t want to open up about it. We hope that these classes will help all three of them become more comfortable talking about this and will help us all as a family.

The Day After

Today is the dreaded Day after treatment. Yesterday Gary had his monthly Zometa infusion. The day of the infusion its not so bad but the next day poor Gary wakes up with horrible bone pain and feels like he was hit by a mack truck. It is so hard to see my big strong man feeling so bad. I am happy with the doctors we have found for the first time in 6 months I don't worry every minute that I am going to loose him. This cancer thing is a marathon and I think God for helping us with the strength to make it thru.Oh what a party it will be when he is finally declared cancer free.
Lord give Gary strength to endure these treatments and heal his body and continue to heal our hearts dear father. Thank you for never leaving us even when the storms have raged and we worried we would drown you have been there holding our hands. Thank you Abba Daddy :)

In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds...

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

God gave me a wonderful vision the night before last that I would love to share. That night, well, actually early yesterday morning at 4:00 a.m., I was awakened by a horrible storm. It was thundering and lightning, and the wind was blowing so hard that the windows and walls were rattling, and almost-horizontally-falling rain was pelting the windows like pebbles! It was quite a racket, and it startled me awake.

Gods Kiss from Heaven

Last month we were scheduled to take a family portrait but due to several factors we missed it. Today we were finally able to reschedule the shoot but it was supposed to rain!!!! I prayed and prayed all day yesterday begging God for the rain to wait till Monday and it seemed like the weather report was in my favor. Today walking out from church I was greeted by rain drops, my heart fell!!!! The shoot was a couple of hours latter and down at the beach so I thought just maybe? The clouds were nasty and drizzly but we held out hope. We stopped in a Publix to change clothes and I just sat in the restroom almost in tears that once more this glorious photo shoot was going to be canceled. We held off till about an half hour before the shoot but we called the photographer and told him not to worry the shoot would be rained out. Luckily the photographer listens to God and started to turn around but came our way anyway and I am so glad he did!!!! Ten minutes before the shoot the rain stopped and by the time the shoot happened the skies were blue and beautiful. God showed me in such a magnificent way that HE cares for us and hears our prayers. Hears our prayers for a pretty day and for healing :) Today felt like God reached down and lovingly kissed my forehead in return after the shoot I blew Daddy a kiss!!!

Thank you so much God for hearing our prayers about beautiful days and healing of bodies. You never cease to amaze me by your love and care for us.

Gary update - 1/22/10 - only a week late!

Thank you everyone for your prayers for Annie. She is out of the hospital and doing better. I think she has more energy than she’s had in a long time! Now we have to figure out how to address all of her underlying health issues. After all the craziness, I’m finally able to write my status from my 1/14 and 1/15 Moffitt trip.

January 14 was just basic blood work and a repeat of the contrast CT scan I had back in August to see if the cancer had spread. It was fairly uneventful.

My January 15 appointment with the neuroendocrine oncologist was at best ambiguous. The radiologist reviewed the biopsy results from Shands, but they were inconclusive, he said due to “demineralization”. The doctor rendered a diagnosis based solely on the comparison between the two CT scans. He said he was “fairly certain” that I do not have the aggressive form of neuroendocrine cancer. That’s great news! The “fairly certain” part was a bit disturbing. I would love something more definite.

Peace

Annie got out of the hospital today. Boy was this a LONG week. Home from Moffitt for 4 hours then to the hospital with Annie. We both are still just feeling road hard and put away wet :(
We are just now starting to process the Moffitt trip. They did say it was non aggressive but treatment options are really limited to one or two only mildly effective drugs. So happy on one note and kinda depressing on another. This is a roller coaster ride so I guess we are at a down swing of the roller coaster but I am believing God that very soon that roller coaster will be on an up swing and the news will improve. For now we are gearing up for the twenty rounds of radiation and the two more trips to Tampa in the next two months we have to take on a limited budget with a car that is on its last legs. The Bible says where we are weak HE is strong so I guess we are just gearing up to see God invincible :)
Lord Thank you for walking with us thru the shadow of the valley of death and help us to fear no evil and rely on you totally

AHHHHHHHHH

Literally 4 hours after we got home from Tampa we had to take my eldest daughter to the emergency room with 104.7 degree fever. They got her fever under control but found she was severely anemic so she has been on the hospital since then. I have not slept for three days so this post is probably a grammatical nightmare. Please pray for our family we have reached so far past the point over over stressed we are all so weary it hurts. Thank you for your prayers!!!

The Aftermath

We made it home today in one piece. The prayers for safe travel where so greatly appreciated, especially from me (the passenger in the car). I think both Gary and I are now emotionally and physically drained. This has been such a LONG process.The baby steps we are making is so much better than the standing still we had been doing. There is no cure for this cancer it is just a matter of finding the treatments that will keep them from progressing up his spine and radiate the tumors in the pelvis that hurt him. So we appreciate your continued prayers as we CONTINUE down this long and winding road of cancer treatment. Oh for the day that cancer can be cured with a shot and its no big deal :(
Being at Moffitt was heartbreaking because you saw how many people are dealing with this horrible disease. Sitting in the lobby waiting for Gary I saw an elderly couple who in their hay day were most likely on the social page. The woman was beautiful and elegant and the man all though in a wheel chair managed to retain his nice looks and high style. There was a young couple walking down the hall the wife clad in a scarf to hide her bald head and her dedicated husband holding hands around an IV pole that held the chemo that was curing and killing her all at once. There was woman tenderly pushing her husband in a wheelchair the man so weak he could not even raise his arm. They stoped and he complained that his ear itched and she lovingly scratched it for him. There were many many more I spent my waiting time lifting each one of them up in prayer that God would heal their loved one and their hearts.

Todays Visit

Today is finally over. We have lived with the thought that Gary's cancer could be the aggressive kind for a month and thankfully those fears were quieted today. The doctor said there is not a MARKED increase in the number of lesions from the August CT scan. I think we both took a collective SIGH of relief when he told us that. The elation didn't last long when we realized we now have to attack the lesions that are there and that includes radiation and new types of drugs some experimental that may or may not be covered with insurance. We also got a good look at his cat scans for the first time with the radiation oncologist and she showed us how invasive his cancer really is and I think that really frightened us. His pelvis is COVERED with lesions. In a way today was a breath of fresh air and in other ways it was like turning the corner in a long race expecting to see the finish line but instead it is another mountain. I am so happy that we have options. We both are pretty weary at this point and it is sobering knowing how far of a road is ahead but with God's help and the prayers and love of family and friends I know the finish line of this race will be VICTORY over "Bob Fitzgerald". Die Bob Fitzgerald DIE!!!!! :)

We are here!!!

Well the waiting is down to a few hours. I have to admit we are feeling the prayers of so many. We are still anxious, but it is a small anxious and not the all consuming anxious that was with us at the beginning of the week. THANK YOU for praying. It means so much to us both. I plan on updating this tomorrow with the good news we have been praying for. "Hope" -- that is what we want to come out of Moffitt with. I know that our hope is in Jesus, but I have been fervently praying that God will allow the doctor to give us some hope too.. Till tomorrow hugs ;)

Zero Hours Left

We are about to leave for Tampa. Last night the people at church gathered around Gary laid hands on him and prayed for him (he will blog about this latter ) it was AWESOME it helped us both feel better about what is coming tomorrow. Thank you Lord for faithful prayer warriors and grant us safe travel as we head down to Tampa!!!

Less than 24 hours

Shew we made it to the day before and luckily today is CRAZY so my mind is not focused to much on tomorow. My stomach is in knots tho. I shouldnt be worried about this we know what God told us,but the fear is still there and my "fight" is running low. I have prayed that no matter what the doc says there will be some hope given. The last doctor gave us no hope. Back to my crazy day today then off to Tampa tomorow please keep us in your prayers in the next couple of days we so need the peace that passes all understanding.

Lord grant us the strength to get thru today and the calmness of heart to get thru the next couple of days keeping our eyes focoused on you NO MATTER what the doctors say we will believe the report of the Lord

75 hours

The last 4 months have been the HARDEST of my ENTIRE life. The cont down to treatment is now 75 hours. In 75 hours we will be siting at Moffitt Cancer center waiting for the doctor to confirm his original diagnosis and let us know if the cancer is aggressive or not and wether there are treatment options or not. It has been a really hard couple of weeks anticipation saterday night we sat in eachothers arms and just cried. That night Gary cried harder than I have ever seen him. The emotional toll this is taking on this family is almost unbearable. Sunday morning we went to church and God met us there and gave us this HUGE spiritual hug and we so needed that. Someone also slipped us a special gift again something we really needed. It is always amazing when we think we are going to CRACK God shows up and lets us know we are not alone.

Lord help us get thru this next couple of days and handle the news whatever it may be from the doctor on friday. Lord we need your strength because ours ran out about two weeks ago.

Bob Fitzgerald

We decided this week that the word "Cancer" is in our vocabulary WAY to often. We cant exactly stop talking about it so we decided to rename it to "Bob Fitzgerald" .
So as Thursday approaches we are getting even more anxious about our trip to Tampa Thursday he goes thru even MORE testing and Friday at 11:30 we find out if "Bob Fitzgerald" is aggressive or not and if Radiation and chemo will help keep "Bob Fitzgerald" at bay. And ultimately the doc will give his opinion (Gods opinion is greater) if this will Kill him. My heart has been in constant hurt this week I want to know and cant wait on one hand and on the other I am TERRIFIED. I am so tired of "Bob Fitzgerald" touching every portion of our life and I hope and pray our journey will end in healing very very soon :)
God Please, Please give us the strength to persevere thru this journey we NEED your strength and Joy!!! Please God heal our hearts and give us joy!!!

The butterflies begin

In a week we will be in Tampa waiting to hear what exact kind of cancer Gary has, their prognosis and treatment. I should be THRILLED that this means treatment will begin but I have to admit I am really nervous up till treatment begins there are moments when I can forget what we are facing as a family but once treatment begins cancer will be in our face all the time. I HAVE to figure out a way to toughen my heart up I have to be stronger now than I ever have before. We are believing for a miracle and if I can figure out how to pull it together I wont be able to help anyone. I was doing good with faith believing that he will be healed then cancer will be a distant memory for us when a friend of ours found out that her cancer came back with a vengeance and is now facing multiple surgeries and months of treatment. Not only is my heart broken for her and her family but I am so afraid even when Gary is healed Cancer will always be that 500 pound canary in the corner.

Lord help me to have a fighting faith enough for our family and help me be an encouragement to other families going thru this same struggle

A Leap of Faith

All last week I kept thinking about Gideon in the Bible and how God called him to battle a huge army with 300 unarmed men and he WON.Last night we talked about the Indiana Jones movie where he had to take a leap of faith onto this chasm that seemed like a hopeless situation. This is kinda like 2010 for us we HAVE to take that leap of faith that GOD will heal Gary and not look at our situation but look to GOD. So instead of new years resolutions we are making a New Years Faith stand to truly believe in Gods healing power for Gary and HIS provision for us. So as we step into 2010 God we raise the banner of FAITH believing in your healing power and wait expectantly for your miracles to come in health and in provision. With you Lord all things are possible!!!

Feeling useless

Many times over the last several weeks, I've had days where by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I've been so fatigued and tired that I've tried to "power nap" and have really lapsed into a coma instead. I've asked the doctor about this. He said that cancer can cause this, the medicines can cause this, the stress and depression that come about with dealing with the cancer can cause this, so take my pick. He said that, ideally, I should be on disability at work, but my work disability plan covers me at 60% income without benefits, so between losing 40% income and my health insurance, I just can't do that. My work has been very gracious and understanding. I am salaried, so my boss said I'm judged based on whether I get my work done, not on how many hours I put in. I have been able to hold things together, but it is getting more difficult.

The other day, I got so tired that I just couldn't function. I went to lie down for "a few minutes" and woke up 3 hours later! Cindy said she and the kids had been trying to get me awake but couldn't. That really hit me hard.

You know the saying "once in a blue moon" that happened last night as we ushered in 2010 I thought it was so apropriate how something rare and unique happened on the first morning of the new year. God just reminded me that a cure will be found for Garys cancer once in a blue moon. SO May it be so Lord that Garys cancer and so many others will be cured this year!!! 2010 a year for miracles!!!!

This is Gary getting his Zometa infusion this week. I didn't go with him to the appointment so I sent him with my camera and said have a nurse take a pic. He groused and said "why so you can put it on facebook" and I said no even better the BLOG :) He always laughs at me for taking pics of him going thru stuff but the one time he was in the ER I promised him I wouldn't take a pic and one of the pastors came in to pray with him and the first thing out of her mouth was did you get a pic for facebook. HA!!!! see people like seeing you in these situations;-)