Below is my facebook status from last Monday

ITS WORKING IT'S WORKING THE CHEMOTHERAPY IS WORKING so they are doing another round starting tomorrow. This week I will be recovering from surgery and him on chemo we will be quit a pair lol


I am so excited to say that there has been improvement in his liver function and it appears that the chemo is working :) so they decided to up his dosage and do another round. I am so thrilled I see him getting less jaundice everyday. I am incredibly optimistic that this is a God inspired course of treatment and will be an avenue for God to work his miracle. This week is slow going for us all not only has he started chemo again I had gall bladder surgery on Tuesday so as parents we are pretty useless this week so I am thanking God for my mom and sister who have picked up the slack with the kids and my in laws who helped shuttle us to and from the hospital. I am so thankful for such and amazing support system between family and my amazing church we are one blessed family.

**please forgive me if this does not make any sense I am typing this with oxycodone and fenergan coursing thru my system lol) **

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

This passage from 1 Corinthians 13 (the message) says it all.Next week we go and find out if the chemo has done any good and then on Tuesday I have my gall bladder removed. So please keep this little family in your prayers.
As a couple we have been through so much but we have also have a deeper love than we both ever thought possible. The first picture above was taken 14 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child the second was taken at Christmas time this past year. In 14 years we have gotten a little (OK a alot) rounder and much grayer but I am thankful for the many trials that we have faced as a couple this cancer journey has defiantly been the hardest but if it wasn't for all that we have been through the inner strength we share would not be there. Gary Robert Schriver I love you more today than I ever dreamed possible you have made my heart almost burst from being so full of love for you. You have sewn into my life helped me grow in confidence helped me achieve dreams and helped me to learn how to love. I am so privileged to be your marathon buddy I love you !!

Chemo is DONE

I am happy to say that chemo is all done. I wish I could say that two days off chemo that he is feeling tons better but I cant. He has continued to be pretty much sleeping 17 hours a day. He is very weak he has to take a break when he just walks to the bathroom :( It is so hard to see our daddy feeling so bad. I have been coming into his room a couple of times a day and I aggravate him a little get him moving around and drink. He tells me I am nurse Helga I smile and say YUP :). Last night he slipped and fell in the bathroom scared the bejebbers out of me I helped him up and Praise God he was okay. He went to the doctor on Monday and I just thank the Lord that he kept his blood levels up. I was begging God so much for him to make his levels good so we would not have to spend the first week in the hospital and thank you God that's what happened. I am not sure what the next week few weeks are going to bring us I am just praying that he feels better. He has had more times this week of just wanting to give up than I want to think about. My poor guy needs strength to fight this nasty didoes. Thank you all for teaming with us in prayer I know we will see our prayers answered this year Yeah 2011 ( that is a faith statement :)

2011

2011 is just a few days away and I have to admit I am not really looking forward to it. This next year holds either rejoicing in the miracles of Health or figuring out how I am going to piece together my shattered heart. It will also be the beginning of me reinventing myself going from a stay at home mom for 14 years to a college student. This next year will be a year of extremes there will be no status qou. Gary is now on the last ditch chemo drug and we will start the new year off with him on the really nasty drug that will make him very ill. This is the first time I am almost sick going into the new year but I guess it will be like the clip above from Indiana Jones where he had to take a deep breath and take a leap of faith to see what is on the other side. Know that our family is praying you all have a very happy and healthy new year and thank you for traveling with us thru 2010. I am so happy this year is almost history :)

The 11th hour

This week we got to a point in our Cancer Journey that I knew we might get to but I was praying for a miracle to happen way before we were any where close to it. At what we thought was a routine apt this week the Doctor told him that he could tell by the blood tests that the chemo was NOT working and that his liver is failing pretty rapidly. He told us at that point that there was not much else they could do but he researched and found an oral chemo to try and Gary starts that tomorrow. The realization that if this doesn't work and God does not work a miracle that I could be burying the Love of my life sooner than I imagined. This end point was always in the back of our minds but it was ethrial now it is terribly real if this doesn't work and God doesn't bring healing this is the LAST Christmas I will have with him
:( and at the rate his liver is failing I don't even think he would see February. My heart is breaking into a million more pieces then it was all ready and I am sorta ticked at God I prayed for MONTHS to have a peaceful Christmas these girls of mine need a really good Christmas and now chemo is starting and this desperate need for it to work is just sucking the joy out of Christmas. Please pray for this family for our faith to rise and storm the gates of Hell and snatch our daddy back from deaths hold. Pray for our sweet girls they do not know the severity of things yet I want them to have a Christmas free of worry. Pray that 2011 will hold blessings of health and peace for this family and not the images that seem to flood our imaginations of funerals and a lonely life without him. I am in torment I so desperately want to bring Joy to my girls for Christmas and I cant seem to muster enough joy of my own to barely crack a smile. Thank you all for walking with us thru all this cancer mess and thank you for standing with us now.

Blah and Blessings

The two pictures above sum up our last week. Gary had 5 days of Chemo last week which he did fine through at the time but starting Friday he began having excruciating pain all over. That pain got so bad it has even made him throw up a couple of times. We went back to the doctor on Monday and they checked him out and they did some blood work and they think that it is a virus that he picked up (some mean virus). The kids have been VERY worried about him, he spent all last weekend in bed and the pain has made him grumpy to say the least. It is almost funny how fast those imaginations run with him being in such pain our immediate thought isn't oh he has a virus no our immediate thought is OH GOD the cancer has spread. With the pain in the back of his neck and his moodiness we have tearfully worried that it went to his brain. I pray that the doctor is right and it is just a virus. Viruses run their course and leave this cancer is a much harder guest to kick out. He gets his next PET scan next Thursday so the virus or cancer spreading question will be answered then :(.
On an amazing note we have been super blessed by a whole bunch of people who got together and gave us money to buy Christmas gifts for our family. We really did not know how we were going to do the smallest things for the girls this year and thought Christmas would be yet another disappointing thing for them this year but not now :-) I cant tell you what they are getting yet because they read the blog sometimes but I will tell you what I told them the number of boxes under the tree is not going to be great but what is in them rocks :) I was able to get them the desires of there heart and it is all in big boxes in my room and it is driving them CRAZY ( a little fun for mommy). We had money set aside for gifts for each other and that money combined with some of the anonymous group funds I was able to get the desires of my heart for Christmas too I am so excited this thing will make killing time in doctors offices much easier and its really really cool tehe, Gary teases that once I get this particular thing he wont ever see me again lol. We were also able to get big man an awesome gift that he really wanted my sister got him an ereader which was one thing that he really wanted he has been downloading Star Trek books and reading them in bed when he hasn't been able to get up. I got him a DSi with a mario game for Christmas. He knows what I got him but he cant play it till Christmas. Thanks to the kindness of friends what we would be the meagerest of Christmases has turned into something we are all looking so forward to. It is such a blessing in the midst of this medical mellow drama to have something that brings the family some excitement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all the people who gave to help make Christmas extra special this year. You have given us the gift of joyful anticipation and that is a priceless gift may God bless you back ten fold for all that you gave to us.

Be Magnified Lyrics

Really listen to the words in this song. I have sung this song for a lot of years at church but tooday it really hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat and worried about Gary and him starting back to chemo this week. The line about leaning on the wisdom of man and the line about believing a lie that He can not help me. Remember this song the next time a doctor says that there is no help or that you MIGHT see two Christmases with your kids.

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I wanted to share with you what I am thankful for....

I am thankful for....

A man that showed me what it was like to be a friend and a lover. Someone who instilled in me self-confidence and helped me realized I deserved love.

I am thankful to my three little girls who are turning into beautiful young ladies who I love to see reach out to others with an innocent excitement. Three little girls that take a simple trip to the grocery store and turn it into an opportunity to brighten busy shoppers' days by making sure no one left without a "Happy Thanksgiving" wish.

I am thankful for family who take the time to help where needed who are there when things get rough. I am thankful for once strained family relationships that have been mended by the immensity of the trials we are in making petty differences seem small.

For a church that I have walked through my ENTIRE adult life with. A church that at whatever cost shows us love and has always been there to help us through bad times and rejoiced with us through good times.

For realizing that I have people who love and care for me -- people who are my friends.

For people who were at one time just casual "kind ladies" to me that sat in front of me at church who have now been there in so many ways to help see me through this difficult year.

For all the people who, while Gary and I have been in the battle for his life, have sent cards and love, a restaurant gift card, or a check that always come just when we need it the most.

For people who listen to the leading of the Lord and have provided for us when things have broken (and things have broken a lot this year) and have in turn made God even more real to my kids and helped them develop a true understanding of how great God is and His provision is always there for us and it comes from areas we least expect.

That in the darkest, most fearful, and most stressful time in my life, God has been more real to me than I could have ever fathomed. I am thankful for every day with my family and friends and that when our time on this earth is done, I will have them in heaven and the fun will really start.

I am also thankful to the people who take the time to read my ramblings and purpose to pray for this family. We could have not made it this year without you!

Hope you all have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!

Well it has been quit a week for the Schriver family. Monday Gary went in for his weekly blood work and his hemoglobin was at an all time low well into the dangerous level. So they took him straight into the hospital. We thought okay we will be here over night and get out in the morning but that is not what happened his hemoglobin just never came up enough he ended up having to get 4 units of blood a ton of IV bag fluids and 2 units of blood plasma. We were going to take the kids to the hospital today and eat lunch with daddy and let the kids visit but I got a call at 815 this morning and it was Gary and he said that the doc gave him the green light to come home he is not out of the woods by any stretch but he is doing so much better today she said you can get better rest at home and they will follow up with him on Monday and do any more tests from the office. It is a little frustrating not knowing why his levels are doing what they are doing but we try really hard to live life one day at a time and today is a good day and I am going to rejoice :) Last night I came home to be with the girls and give my mom some rest and ten min after I came in I found out that the guest toilet was broken and ten min after that the other bathroom clogged. I will be honest I just about lost it the stress of big man in the hospital and the kids having tough times and everything else adding no working toilets to the house just about sent me over the edge but thanks to friends who made me laugh and my brother and sister in law who came and helped Field the kids and plumber the evening ended with two working toilets and me with my sanity in tact. They will never realize that just coming in and infusing peace into the situation was such amazing help. I am so grateful for both our families you know as years go by you argue and fuss about this or that but since Gary has been sick both our families have circled around us to help us get thru and I am so grateful to all of them. My sister is coming down this evening to help us "Christmas up" the house to help make this Christmas extra special for the girls and make things extra special she is also planning on cooking some stuff for us and if you knew my sister you would know that her cooking is a super huge blessing :) Happy Thanksgiving week to all my friends and family thank you for helping this tired stressed woman survive and thrive I am Thankful for each and every one of you.

Cancer poem

A Facebook friend shared this poem with me and I found it so encouraging and inspirational:

What cancer cannot do
(author unknown)

Cancer cannot
Cripple love, it actually
Makes it overflow

Cancer cannot
Shatter hope, it actually
Clarifies what hope
Is for

Cancer cannot
Corrode faith, it actually
Strengthens
Faith's conviction

Cancer cannot
Conquer the spirit,
Because courage faces
Cancer’s afflictions

Our Monday Morning

We spent this Monday afternoon in the doctors office yet again :(. Gary has been sick all weekend and he was seriously dehydrated and had to go get two shots and a bag of fluids. I pray that this will help him feel well enough to get out of bed he hasn't done that all weekend. Gary is getting really anxious and scared he just cant seem to feel good and he is so worried that this chemo isn't working either and he is also worried that it is and will have to feel this sick for months to come and I dont think his body can handle it. We are in desperate straights for a miracle and soon. Gary has began to pray heal me or take me just do it soon please Lord. As we go into this holiday season please pray that we can forget cancer for a month and concentrate on making miracles with our sweet girls. My girls need this time of magic in their life.
We got big time blessed this week by an anonymous money order in the mail that will help us to get thru December when I really worried we wouldn't. Thank you for continuing to lift this family up in your prayers.I can safely say we cannot make it with out our dear friends and the love they share.

The Drama just keeps on coming

Gary is just now finishing his 4th blood transfusion in the last 3 months. The hospital was undergoing an audit today and they brought them to our room because we have been here 5 times in the last 3 months and surely if there were any defeciencies we would find them lol. I am happy to say that my only complaint against St Vincents is the poor and spotty wi fi and lo and behold the head of the hospital came by and said they were in the planning phase of upgrading the wi fi. Hmm they listen cool :) I told the auditor I can go to McDonalds and be fine but I have to stand on one foot with tin foil to get wifi in some places here :)

The transfusion helped put some color back into big mans face hopefully he will feel better too. He starts back to chemo tomorow and then friday. The kids arent huge fans of this new chemo schedule we were at the hospital probably 20 hours last week and know this week we will surpass the 20 hours. They are okay with daddy being gone they know that he needs this care but they arent real keen about mommy being gone. Mommy is always around I am a costant in their life and lately I havent been able to be very constant. Please pray peace on them this is so hard for grown ups to deal with I cant even imagine being 10 or 12 dealing with this. This last week Merry asked Gary point blank what will happen if this chemo dosent work?? Gary answered her honestly "then the doctors will get worried" she has not been the same since that talk she is a smart girl she knows what that means :(

I do have to tell you of something really really cool this morning. We had gone home with the low fuel light on and the little light that says how long you can drive before empty said 7 miles. As I turned onto the main road I noticed a bunch of traffic and just prayed please God let us get to the gas station and like a minute latter the low fuel light came on and the miles light jumped from 7 to 25 and even though we were in 30 min of stop and go traffic we made it to the gas station with gas to spare. Such an awsome reminder to us that God provided for ALL our needs. I know I should have that lessoon DOWN by know but after updating our checkbook last night I was getting anxious again that we might not get thru the month and then God goes and does this and gently reminds me HE has our back. Thank you Daddy :)

Blessings on all of you this week and thank you for standing with us in prayer and thank you to the people who gathered on saterday to pray for Gary and a friend who both got devesdtating news last week. I can honestly say we could not make it with out all the prayers and love/ THANK YOU

This is my cake for our churchs harvest festival. I had great intentions of this grandios cake but with being at the hospital everyday with Gary last week and the bad news we got I did not have the energy or gumption to do the cake I wanted. I did this cake and I dedicate it to my sweet husband. HOPE it is a hard thing to keep right now with the news of the chemo not working and his liver failing all of us really just want to sit in the corner and cry but with Gods strength we will keep doing what the cake says :)

Gary update 10/29/10

Well the news following the CT scan is not good. The chemo has not been successful. They want to abandon the other chemo regiment and want to start me on a new chemo drug called Topotecan (to-po-TEE-can) starting next week on Monday.

The chemo will be every 3 to 4 weeks "depending", the doctor says. The only down side is that it will be for five days in a row now! So instead of Tuesday-Thursday...every day. I won't complain, especially if it's helping! With it being one drug, it shouldn't take as long as the old chemo.

We're hoping that this will be successful as part of my healing. The doctor said there are fewer side effects and it has been successful in neuroendocrine patients. This is a setback, but I'm holding fast to God's promises.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. They truly help me stay strong in the fight when the temptation sometimes is to want to give up. Knowing so many people are thinking about me is such a great encouragement. God bless you all!

Gary update 10/28/10

I started day 1 of chemo seemingly without a hitch. I casually mentioned to the doctor during my doctor visit that Cindy had noticed a yellowing of my eyes so the doctor decided to recheck my bilirubin levels. He said they were normal two weeks before so he wasn't overly concerned.

Wednesday, we showed up for day 2 thinking it would be just a routine day 2 infusion. We went to head back for infusion when we were told that the doctor wanted to see us first. That left us worried and confused.

The doctor had checked the bilirubin levels and they were significantly up from 2 weeks prior. The doctor's suspicion was that one of the bile ducts was blocked which may or may not be cancer related. He ordered a liver and gall bladder ultrasound which I had this morning to see what we could find out.

The ultrasound came back inconclusive; however, they noted a "thickening" of the liver itself. This has led the doctor to believe that I have either "intrahepatic" or "extrahepatic" metastatic growth, meaning that either tumors are growing inside my liver and pressing on a duct or perhaps tumors are outside my liver pressing on the organ itself and compressing a duct. Either way, this doesn't sound like good news to me.

I go in in the morning for a CT scan to see if we can get some more information. If this is the case, the doctor feels it can be addressed by a change of chemo. I'm just concerned that the chemo I'm getting is supposed to be shrinking the tumors and now we're talking about tumors growing.

I'm discouraged to say the least, but still optimistic. I know the battle is the Lord's and He has the victory! This is hopefully just one more bump in the road to healing. I appreciate your continued thoughts, prayers, and support and for all of the cards I've received. We've hung every card up in my room to look at whenever I feel discouraged or am tempted to give up.

God bless you all!

More Drama

This weekend I noticed Gary's eyes getting yellow and I told him to be sure to ask the doctor about it. He did and they checked and his bilirubin is up and liver function is down. Today he went into the hospital and got a liver ultrasound and when we went into the doctor to get the result they said that the scan showed a thickening in the liver and no blockage. So no blockage is a good thing but it would be an easy thing to deal with unfortunately they believe that the issues are caused by tumors in the liver or outside the liver and pressing on the liver. I am not sure what that means for him. The doc just said that we would have to change the chemo he is going thru but I am not sure what they are going to do to help his liver function. This is yet another bump in the journey please pray for this family as we face this new challenge. Thank you for walking with us on this journey.

A good but hard evening (warning this could cause tears)

Tonight I went with my girls to one of the most beautiful weddings I have seen in a while. It isn't the money spent on a wedding that causes it to be beautiful it is the emotion and the love of the couple and they so had that. The bride comes from an amazing Godly family who have raised their daughter up to be a pure and virtuous young lady and the groom is a wonderful young man who I think is ready to take on the role as head of the house and build a life with his new bride with God as his partner in the marriage. I was sad going in to the wedding tonight but had my happy face on because I am truly so very happy for them but I was sitting alone without my groom and it was hurting pretty bad. I kept the tears to a mild stream all thru the wedding thinking back at the same things that we did in our wedding. The first act as a married couple was taking communion and praying together and remembering just looking at that young man of mine and thinking this is my HUSBAND, HUSBAND cool :) The times that I cried was when the brides daddy gave her away I thought "are my girls going to be able to cry as their daddy lifts their veil", "are they gonna have to tell their daddy not to cry" full well knowing he will ball like such a big baby on their wedding day. Am I going to be able to squeeze my grooms arm as we watch our daughters change their name. Is Merry going to be able to have her daddy daughter dance to "Cinderella" like she wants. The point I broke down into complete embarrassing sobs was when the Grandfather of the bride prayed over the happy couple and asked God be with them till one places the other into Jesus arms. It was a beautiful prayer but for some reason tonight my faith was low and I worried that the day I would have to lay my groom in the arms of Jesus was sooner than I ever imagined and it shattered my heart. I was so glad to have the hugs and friendship of the people at the reception but I bugged out before the bridal party got in there I didn't think falling down into sobs was a good idea lol. I am so glad I got to be apart of this evening I am so happy for these kids and I pray that they will be able to look back in 15 years like us and say that we love each other more deeply and completely than we ever though was possible.
Cassie also told me she did not want me to spend any money on the wedding or dress because the courthouse would be fine I busted out laughing thinking sureky she will change her mind but I am recording it here for posterity :-)

No chemo yet :(

Well we went to the doctor on Tuesday and Gary's blood counts were way off again so they postponed chemo and gave him several hours of fluids and a shot to boost the red blood cell counts. Wednesday I had to have him at the hospital at 6:30 for a blood transfusion. That went pretty smoothly and we were done and home by 3:30 in the afternoon still a very long day but not near as long as it could have been. When we got home we were blessed by a friend who ordered us some pizza for dinner. After such a long day thay was very welcome and appreciated. It looks like this evening that Gary is coming down with a cold along with the girls. The girls have immune systems so they will be OK but Gary does not have any real immune system left so this will be quite a challenge for him. Chemo should start Tuesday baring any other issues. Please keep this family in your prayers as we continue down this cancer roller coaster. I am so ready to get off the roller coaster :) please pray for Gary that his body fights off this cold and he does not go thru any more procedures or have to get poked any more his poor little body is pretty tired.

Chemo Round 3

Tomorrow starts Chemo round 3 for my sweet man. He has now been horribly ill mostly bed ridden for 8 of the 10 weeks that he has been doing chemo. He is so tired. We have sat up many nights till wee hours talking and me trying to do my best to encourage him and cheer him on. I am afraid that the constant pain in him is starting to take away some of the fight in him. The rest of the family is exhausted as well. The times that I don't spend encouraging him is usually spent holding one child or another crying about how much they just want the old daddy back. This has left me on empty myself I am trying to dig deeper into the Lord and get my strength from HIM but it is so hard when you cant even catch your breath. Life is just wont slow down the trials and tribulations. I wish I could just have enough time to catch my breath. I thank the Lord for friends who help cheer me on I could not do it with out you. Please remember this family in your prayers I know that you continuously lift Gary up for healing but there is a different kind of healing that needs to come in 3 small and one big heart we are all broken and exhausted and are desperately praying for a break.Thanks for running this Marathon with us dear friends

It has been a VERY long couple of weeks. Thank the Lord there has not been anymore hospital stays. He has felt really awful lately and has been in bed the majority of the time. Fortunately that changed after he had to miss Cassie's birthday dinner. It is a tradition on each persons birthday we go as a family either out to eat or cook something special well Cassie's Birthday was on Wednesday and he felt to weak to go with us out to eat. While we were gone he sat in bed and was racked with sobs he felt so bad about missing dinner. When we were out to eat Cassie passed me the note pictured it made me cry so of course I posted it on my facebook page. When we got home I told him not to look at the pic so of course as all good little boys he looked at it and the sobs started again. We ended up being up till 4 am talking and crying and he just sobbed that he has lost what ever life he had left and it was killing him. The next day Gary woke up 180 degrees different he came into our room and sat with us ,school work with us, watched TV and played with the girls it was like a light turned on. The next day was the same and on Saturday I was the proudest of him that I had been in a long while. He mustard up the strength to go to Target and order Merry's (the second October bday) Bday cake and pick up some prescriptions he rode in a little cart and even rode over and looked at video games. He came home with the biggest smile on his face. It is funny how much we take for granted in life but that simple trip to Target made him feel alive again. On Sunday he started to feel bad again but he was determined not to miss another birthday dinner and he didn't God Love him he felt lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rutt but he did it and it made Merry so happy she was BEAMING sitting next to her daddy and it made all our days. We have a challenging week this week a couple of dr apts and some new meds I have to learn how to give him and a pet scan that will let us know if the chemo is working and what the next treatment step will be if any. We also have the holidays coming up and I know this will be a challenge on many levels for our family not only to make it special but the finances to do so (medical bills are pretty big). God had shown himself so amazing this month we were blessed with a couple of weeks of meals a few restaurant gift cards a new bed (ours was long broken) and a new water heater to replace the one that broke on us.God never ceases to amaze me when I break into a panic about stuff which I do more than I should God just quietly provides in ways I would never imagine. The other day going to the Doctoro Gary was feeling so bad I thought for sure we were headed to the hospital I sat in the drivers seat and prayed God let me know if a hospital stay is in our future if he will avoid the hospital let the next song be a Davis Crowder Band song ( I know using fleeces like Gideon did is not what a mature Christian would do but I was desperate). When we got to the doctor they took one look at him and put him in a wheel chair and wheeled him right back to an exam room where he proceeded to get sick and I was so defeated I thought there is no way they are not going to hospitalize him but they said his blood counts were ok but he was dehydrated and gave him fluids and he felt better and we went home. God used that time to remind me when HE tells me something I need to have faith in HIM that he will follow thru with what He promised.

This week Lord remind me to listen to the words that you have spoken over this family and help me have the faith to believe you for everything and thank you Lord for always finding new ways to suprise me with your blessings you are a great daddy :)