The Marathon is getting LONGER

We are about to head into the second full week of radiation. The side affects have begun he is extremely tired all the time. He is very nauseous and is having swallowing problems. On top of all that his liver pain is increasing in severity and so is his shoulder pain. We are going to talk to the doctor tomorrow about adding in the shoulder to this radiation session. It will make him a little sicker but better to get as much over at a time as possible. It rips my heart out to see him go thru all the pain and suffering but it also makes me love him so much more because I know that he is fighting this as hard as he is so that he can always be there for me and his daughters. As if all the stress on this family is not enough my vehicle died this week. We have decided to take out a loan for a few thousand dollars to try to find a good used car. But we cant afford to make a mistake with this we need a car that will be there when we need to take Gary to appointments or to Tampa so we need God to put a neon sign over the used car for us :)

I am not sure what this week will hold for us I am not sure how much worse his side affects will get but I do know God is with us. We went to church today and let our spirits be refreshed in the love of God and the Love of the people at at church.
Thank you Lord for being our strong tower and refuge so that in these incredibly troubled times you always provide a place for us to be refreshed.

Whats Happening ......

Well it is the weekend and we have survived the deep (and I mean deep) depression of finding out the cancer has spread to the liver all the pre radiation tests and 2 days of radiation. That and I survived the addition of a week of vbs for the kids, taking them to church, stumbling thru my song for asl class, taking Gary to his appointments and taking the kids to swim team (God helped me out with rain showers for most of that :) I could not have done it with out some angels this week we have had 2 meals brought to us at just the right time when we needed it most and Gary's brother Michael and his wife Christina took some of the stress of me and took Gary to some of his non radiation appointments. We had an angel of a man and his brother come and mow our lawn. I also was able to chat with so many people in person and over facebook so any time I felt alone someone would be there to let me know I was not. I think it is really funny how you can be under so much stress that you just want to sit in the corner and cry and feel incredibly blessed all at the same time. We are defiantly living life on a day by day basis right now people have asked what I am going to do about this issue or that and just say when I know I will let you know. I am thankful for my mom living with us or we would not have any clothes to wear at all :) People have asked us how they could help us and I think the first thing is to continue to pray for wisdom, health and wise doctors. As far as anything else if anyone ever wants to bring a meal for us that would be such a blessing to me by the end of the day I have been so stressed and so out of energy that dinner has consisted of take out for us most nights. I am grateful for all the notes and calls and prayers we have received you all have held our hands up when we just could not do it by ourselves and I could never tell you how grateful we are. I know that with all of our wonderful family and friends and the most awesome church ever we will get thru this and we will have such a celebration the day that our faith becomes our eyes and we see Gary healthy and cancer free..

How I feel????

How do you feel?? As soon as we made it back to the room after finding out about the Liver Cancer the social worker came in and asked me that question and well at the time my answer was "like a mac truck just ran us over". We talked for a few minutes and then she let us alone to talk and the first thing out of Gary's mouth was "we really need to speed up you finishing your college". At that point fear set in, not about college I want to do that but fear over the motive for him asking that. The motive was with this news I know I am going to die and I want you to be able to care for yourself and the kids when I am gone. I got a little perturbed at him and told him not to ever think that way again or I will kill him!!! Once we got home I think the answer to how I feel changed to overwhelmed, I have three kids who don't understand why daddy is in so much pain and sleeps all the time. They just do not know how to handle whats going on with daddy and it is up to me to help them understand and deal with all that is happening. We are starting to see some behavioral issues and I know it is because of Daddy being sick but I am lost to try to help. I am waiting to hear the dreaded question again "is Daddy going to die?" Last time I got that question I told them honestly we are never guaranteed tomorrow so we just have to live and appreciate today. Today Gary woke up with an even more severe pain in his Liver the pain was so bad that he even had trouble breathing. The answer to the how your feeling question today was a numb fear. We had to call the doctors and they told us the radiation in the spine was more severe and the liver could wait till first of August. They gave him a pain patch that is supposed to be pretty powerful the prescription had to have the fact that he is a cancer patient on it for them to fill it. They did and now we are waiting the 18 hours it takes to start kicking in. I pray that when it does it will kick in big time and help him to feel better.This evening as I wasted time on Facebook games I was overwhelmed at the out pouring of love and help we received. It is such a blessing to know that the people that are telling us that they are praying for us are not just saying that and they truly are storming the heavens with us for his healing. We are both so tired and overwhelmed it is so wonderful to know that just like Moses did we have people holding our arms up. Tonight Gary really wanted a strawberry milk shake and he hadn't felt like eating anything all day so I went out and got him a milkshake at midnight ( thank God for steak and shake on the corner open 24 hours) I sat in the car for a few minutes just listening to the radio and one of my favorite songs came on and the verse goes "separated until the veil was torn moment that hope was born and guilt was conquered once and for all ...." That day hope was born so no matter what the doctors say they cannot take away my hope they aren't the ones who gave it to me to begin with!!!!
Tonight I am physically and emotionally exhausted I am overwhelmed at the gravity of the situation we are in, I am worried how everyone will cope with the challenges ahead, but I am hopeful that no matter what the next year holds for this family God has our back and will hold us in the palm of His hands. I am grateful for the people HE has placed in our lives that are coming in and relieving some of the pressures. Thank you Lord for ripping that veil and birthing hope for a hopeless world and thank you that even when my situation seems hopeless there is always hope in you. Thank you Lord for the people in our lives whose simple conversations have made such a difference in us and they will never now the impact they have had on our lives and our faith.

Gary update 6/9/10 - Not good news

I went in today for my PET scan and mapping for my upper spinal radiation. I am due for my "film check" this coming Wednesday, June 16, then my radiation will start the following day, Thursday, June 17, every weekday morning. I forgot to ask how many treatments it will be. I am assuming 20 like last time, but I'll talk to the doctor to be sure.

By far the most surprising and shocking news is what else the PET scan showed. I nonchalantly mentioned to the doctor that I had been having pain in my side a little but it wasn't close to any bone. We went and reviewed the PET scans and we discovered that the cancer has spread to my liver.

Gary update - 6/4/10 - Disappointed

We met with my radiation oncologist today to go over the bone scan results. In a nutshell, nothing showed up, meaning that I am NOT a candidate for the Samarium. We will have to go the traditional external radiation route.

The waiting Game yet again

Today I took Gary for what was supposed to be a quick bone scan done for the sole purpose to see if his bones soaked up the agent that the contrast is given in if it does than it is the same agent they deliver the radiation with so he would be a candidate for the systemic radiation (confusing I know basically scan is positive they will do systemic if it is not they will do external beam radiation). We got there and he came out in just a couple of minutes and he told me they gave him a shot and we have to come back in two hours, not what I wanted to hear but okay so we went to a local bakery and rewarded our patience with a goodie. We went back and they scanned him then made him wait then the radiologist said he wanted a few more pictures. They took pictures of his hips,ribs,spine and shoulders and made him wait until those were looked at. We were there from 10 - 3. We left EXHAUSTED and for Gary even more pain then he was all ready. Now we have to wait till Friday to find out about the scans and why all the other pictures. So it is hurry up and wait yet again we should be getting used to that lol. I could try to guess about things but I am just going to give it all to God whichever radiation he gets will be tough on him and God will be the one who sees us all thru...

Thank you so much God for seeing us thru every step of the road and I know you will help us down this new avenue we are going to have to go down. I look forward to the day when he walks in the healing I know you have for him, until then thank you Lord for not letting the storms over take us.

In the midst of what you are going to read Gary got his socks blessed off yesterday at his birthday party. He was surrounded by friends and family all celebrating with him and laughing and loving it was an amazing time. Thank you to all who came you will never know how much you contributed to the Garys moral..

This week has been a tough one . Gary has been in such unbearable pain that he has had to be on so many pain meds that he is only awake for a few hours a day . Its funny we have been congratulated all week on the good news that things have not spread but the cancer has intensified where it is and is hurting him so much the good news of no spreading doesn't seem so good. It is so hard to see him go thru so much and so hard on the whole family the kids are having to keep quiet while daddy sleeps and all the things we used to do together now I have to do alone the majority of the time. Wednesday I take him for a bone scan to see if he is a candidate for the systemic radiation and hopefully Thursday or Friday we will go back to the oncologist and start whichever kind of radiation he needs. Last round of radiation he cried in my arms saying he couldn't do anymore radiation. The pain has been so severe this time he is actually asking when can we start the radiation. This has been such a long haul and I think the whole family is just so tired, we all know to what radiation does to daddy and we are all nervous about seeing him go thru that again but it is necessary. Please pray strength for this family spiritually, mentally and physically and most of all continue to pray for Gary ,bless his heart ,he is trying so hard to be there the best that he can be and it is so hard for him not to be able to do the things that he wants to do and also please pray which ever radiation they choose for him it will work quickly and effectively.

Lord Jesus thank you for walking with us thru this storm I know your hand holding our is the only reason we have not sunk below the waves thank you Lord Jesus

Gary update - 5/29/10

I went to see my radiation oncologist yesterday. We were so glad that everything he said matched almost verbatim with what the radiation oncologist in Tampa had said on Wednesday.

He said that one of the main reasons a bone scan is the best way to determine if I'm a candidate for the Samarium or not is that the bone scan contrast uses the same medium that is used by the Samarium, so if the cells uptake the contrast, they will also uptake the Samarium. So if the lesions show dark meaning no uptake, I am not a candidate and if they light up, then I am a candidate.

Gary update - 5/26/10

Well I had my appointment at Moffitt today. Overall the news is very good. The latest contrast CT scan I had today showed no difference from the scan done in January. No new lesions have formed and it does not appear that the existing lesions have grown. The doctor admitted that it is difficult to tell with bone lesions whether they have truly grown or not, but there has been no spreading. Praise God!

The main point of our discussions centered around my latest pain developments. I have been having increasing pain in both shoulders which radiates down my arms and up into my neck, making it difficult to turn my head and giving me chronic headaches as well. The pain is worse on the right side, but it is present on both sides to some degree. The doctor said that, although the CT scan showed no new lesions, that does not mean that the existing ones may not have increased in intensity or depth, so he is certain that the cause of the shoulder and neck pain is due to the cancer. More radiation is going to be necessary, but the exact type needs to be determined.

Next Week

It is Saturday and I am sitting here thinking about all that is going to happen this next week.  Sunday thanks to Gods provision we are getting our car fixed.. It has had a radiator hose leak which makes the car run hot sometimes and we have to stop and fill the radiator with water, you can live with it thru town but when you have to travel lonely country roads to get to Tampa it gets a little scary, so I am so grateful that is getting fixed. Also on Sunday I get to watch my baby sing in the ensemble at church, I love watching him sing. Then the week hits a low point on Wednesday we head early in the morning back to Tampa for yet another doctors appointment and scan. This scan will be compared with the one a couple of months ago to judge how fast the cancer (notice I said the not Gary's)  has spread and where he will need radiation to help slow the growth down . Then Thursday I get to graduate two students from level one cake decorating they have been so fun to watch so I am looking forward to that. Friday is another low point we go to the radiation oncologist office ( did you ever think there were so many types of oncologists) to schedule the amount and frequency of the radiation. This is what I am really dreading 6 more weeks maybe of radiation the last six weeks just about killed him and me, by the end we were just so dragged down we were numb and I don't want that again but I know that is what he needs and if it will help his pain and slow that nasty cancer down it is worth it. I am just going to have to really plan for this one..Luckily my week will end on a high note we are going to have lunch on Sunday with a few of our dear friends some old ones some new to celebrate Gary's birthday. His birthday was actually April 30th but we were on our Memories of Love trip and when we got back his grandmother passed away so between those we are just able to get to his party. This will truly be a celebration of the strength and character that he has shown going thru all this cancer nonsense. I am really proud of him how he has maintained his faith and strength and continues to wage war against cancer everyday I am so proud to be his wife and cannot wait to celebrate him next Sunday. So there you have it the picture of a true roller coaster week. Lord have mercy and help us getthru with what little sanity we have left :)

Our last Art Therapy

Last night was our last art therapy and boy was it a heavy one. Gary and I have managed to keep the tears to a minimum thru the sessions but lost it last night.The kids wrote get well cards to Daddy which in themselves would have made you cry. Things like "I want to go camping with you again daddy" and "I just want you to feel good again". The things that made us loose it was our letters to each other. I told him how every time I saw an old couple walking hand in hand I plead with God to give me that gift with him. And how he was my prince charming and the keeper of my heart and I wished him complete health and no matter I will stand with him hand in hand thru what ever comes our way.. His letter made me cry at the time but made me breakdown latter that night I have to admit I need to reread the letter to get all that it said but the thing that shattered my heart was he said "if the worse happens I want you to find someone who will love you and the kids and be happy" He told me those are things that I wanted to get down on paper so you can never question what I want .. I only cried a little at the time but his written words rang in my head all night long and right before bed the flood gate of tears just burst..
Last week we found out that Gary's Cancer is spreading and May 26th we will find out exactly how much. May 28th he goes back to the Radiation oncologist to schedule more radiation. I am terrified that on the 26th the doctors will tell him that the cancer has spread so much that there is nothing more they can do. I know I need to put my trust in the Lord and I know that no matter the next step in our road God will be there HE always has been but I am tired and it is so hard. I barely made it thru the last round of radiation with out loosing my mind how are we going to get thru another round.

Lord of Heaven hear our cry and give us your peace that passes all understanding and help us to seek the refuge in your hands.

Gary update - 5/7/10

Our vacation to Orlando went very well. We visited Animal Kingdom and Sea World. Sea World was unmercifully hot, so hot that we left early. Fortunately we've been there before enough times that we didn't miss anything we hadn't been to before. It's amazing that there is virtually no shade in the entire park!

On Friday, my birthday of all days, despite a good day having breakfast with SpongeBob and other Nick characters and a great day playing in the pool with the kids, I began to slowly develop pain in my right shoulder. At first I thought little of it -- I assumed I had pulled a muscle or something. Sea World was Saturday, and we planned to go to Magic Kingdom on Sunday. Unfortunately, my shoulder got worse, radiating pain into my neck and mid back. We were also still worn out from the heat exhaustion from Sea World. Even the kids just wanted to hang at the hotel on Sunday. Fortunately the tickets are good for two weeks, so the plan is to head to the Magic Kingdom tomorrow and spend the day there, assuming that I can tolerate it.

My shoulder, back, and neck pain continued to worsen throughout this week. I finally went to the ER Wednesday morning because the pain was radiating into my head and my rib cage, making it difficult to breathe. The ER doctor was unfortunately and to put it diplomatically, a moron! He said that it was a neck sprain -- simple soft tissue trauma. We tried to explain with the bone cancer, it may not be so simple, but he didn't want to do a CT scan or x-ray because in his words, "you've already had enough radiation".

He prescribed prescription strength Ibuprofen, Lortab, and Valium (which he said is a good muscle relaxant). Of course the Valium has left me very tired and I was told not to drive, so I've been working from home this week.

Today I had a follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist. We explained the neck and shoulder pain I've been having. He agreed that the ER doc was an idiot and should have done a scan. He reviewed my last scans and said that there are cancerous lesions in my right collarbone and shoulder blade. He is sure that the pain is not soft tissue but is likely cancer related. That wasn't what we wanted to hear.

We explained that I'm going to Moffitt on 5/26 for a CT scan and the doctor there doesn't want to do the scan until all of the previous radiation side effects are gone. As such, my radiation oncologist wants to wait until after Moffitt to revisit my shoulder issue. I will meet with him again on 5/28. It is likely that I will need to undergo radiation treatments in my shoulder. The doctor doesn't anticipate any side effects from that except for fatigue, which I'm getting used to.

So once again things are up in the air. The doctor is going to speak with my doctor at Moffitt to see where to go from here. With the drugs I'm taking, they're keeping the shoulder and neck pain under control, but I know I can't stay on the Valium and function. I don't know if we'll be able to make it to the Magic Kingdom tomorrow like we've planned or not. I'm doing a little better today, so here's hoping.

We appreciate your continue thoughts and prayers. I know with the Lord's help and your support, we will make it through this.

Our Trip so far ....

Wow was this an amazing tip so far. Wednesday we went to Animal Kingdom , Thursday we decided to spend swimming in there gigantic pool and rest (what we needed most), Friday was Gary's 41st birthday and we started the morning off with a character breakfast. That was so much fun . We laughed when Squidward came out Merry screamed and went to hug him and as she did Dora came out and she did a 360 and yelled DORA and left poor Squidward hanging he looked at us and shrugged his shoulders. It was so cute after she realized what she did she worried all thru breakfast that she needed to go make things right with the dissed squiddy. All the kids participated in a parade with he characters and Daddy even got up and let them sing happy birthday nick style to him. When the characters came around Merry and Annie greeted them all with joy and all of them gave Gary hugs and Cassie ignored them it was beneath her 11 year old self to hug a person in a suit. Well when squidward came back around Cassie wouldn't hug him and he began to play with her hair and annoyed her to know end it was awesome Gary and I were cheering for squiddy ( we are horrible I know). We swam some and watched the pool side show. Cassie got picked for the day before show and even got slimmed. Friday was Annie's turn on the show but her team lost and she didn't get slimmed. We them all went and got tattoos, good family binding tehe, then we went to a special birthday show with spongebob and got our family pic taken with him. We all laughed that all the kids had their ages on the buttons while Garys just had what was either a bow or an infinity sign :) After the show Gary took the girls and played in the arcade with them. Then as per our family tradititon Gary got to choose dinner we went to the Outback we LOVED it the kids were not impressed so we decided for the money Outback will remain a date night treat. Today the kids crashed a girl scout pool party downstairs while we let daddy sleep in (he was not feeling well) then we went to Sea world fun park HOT day both Gary and I started to get dehydrated and felt horrible by the end of the day. Annie and Merry had a sleepover tonight and I felt bad they were as dehydrated as sus and so did not want to go, hopefully they will have fun. Tomorrow we plan to swim the morning away and then hit Disney in the afternoon. Poor Gary is in some real pain so I am not sure how tomorrow will work out but the tickets are good till May 13 so we have options if the big Guy is in a bad way tomorrow. Over all this has been an amazing restful recharging time. We have all so needed a break from all the stress of Cancer and life and this trip has done that for us no work,school or house issues NOTHING but rest and relaxation. Thank you Memories of Love for giving us a wonderful opportunity to build these amazing memories with our children. Ahh now to go back to that hard life of R and R. Hugs and Kisses from Orlando's Nick Hotel

WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY

In less than 24 hours we will be standing in DISNEY world. All though it is a little depressing knowing how we got this trip ( Memories of Love its like Make a Wish for adults) I am so excited to be going. I have wanted so bad to take my girls to Disney for a long long time but have never been able to now tehe. This will be a week filled with memories and special moments that the kids will never forget and neither will I. Thank you all for lifting this family up and I ask that you would say a special prayer for health on all while we are on this trip. Strength for Gary as we trek thru the parks and health on my accident prone girls as they swim and run around for a whole week. When we get back I will be sure to post pictures of the girls very first trip to Disney eeeeee I am so excited!!!!

Art Therapy week 2

This week was Art Therapy week number 2. This week we all did strong boxes. These are folded paper boxes that we wrote on the top in white crayon the things that made us strong and as we painted the paper the invisible white letters became visible. Inside the box held little secret slips of paper that held our fears. Some of my fears were "being a widow by 40" "watching my big strong man fade". Gary's mostly were about us about not being able to provide for us. One of his biggest fears is that if something happens to him we would loose our home (he is my knight). The kids came bounding back into the room and of course they told us there fears were things like " I am afraid of Winnie the Pooh" or "I am afraid of bees". As they ran out to get some energy out on the playground I did what every good mom would do so don't judge me :) I looked in Cassie's strong box and they did take it seriously but like we all do more often than we should the true fears where folded in humor. Tightly folded was " I am afraid Daddy will not be able to play with me like he did" and " I am afraid things will never be the same again". As tears filled my eyes I reassured Gary they are taking it very seriously and closed up the box.

The girls have clung to art therapy they are with kindred spirits this has been a group where they can be comfortable with everyone,the teachers are there for them and the kids are in the same boat as them. It has been great for Gary too because he feels like he is not alone there are others who are facing this horrible beast of cancer. He is seeing the faces of the other people in the group and realizes that the flood of emotions that we are going thru is not unique to us. I on the other hand I tend to put myself in go mode and try hard not to think about things I KNOW but it is easier to just to move forward but nights like these make me stop and really deal with the emotions that are there. These people aren't interested in a trite "I am fine" answer they dig and its good but wow is it hard.



God in heaven take heed of all those fears placed in those strong boxes and replace those fears with the peace that passes any understanding so that we can not walk in fear but in the blessed assurance that you are with us no matter what..

El Nino

We just got home from our second trip to Tampa in one week. Last week was our 3 day marathon trip to Moffitt and this week Gary's Grandmother passed away and her funeral was this weekend. In between time we started art therapy so it has been one heck of a week. People say keep your chin up this is just a season well it is an El Nino Season.
I was really glad the kids did well this weekend they have been so tired from our last trip I was worried. Tired children equal Hell for adults. They came in to the funeral and struck up conversations with everyone figuring out if the people were family or not. They so enjoy being with people I love that about them. Cassie made fast friends with a the granddaughter of Grandmas husband they chatted about everything from serial killers to terrorists (eleven and a half year old minds gotta love it). They are such good examples to me about how even when the world is one challenge after another and you really want to just sit in the corner and cry there is still a world around us that needs us to be a part in it. And there are still people that need us to be friends with them. We have a new week ahead of us and I am going to try to take a cue from my rug rats even tho we are going thru and El Nino season of trials there is still life to live and Friend to make and fun to have. So as a dear friend of mine told me to do I will go in to the week singing one day at a time sweet Jesus..

Side note the funeral was a lovely funeral very sweet and a wonderful celebration of Grandmas life. I told Gary that when I die I don't want simple I want a multimedia celebration with singers, smart light,instrumentalists and a program with pictures in it. He laughed and told me and a disco ball rising from your coffin with staying alive playing in the back ground :) I smiled and said yep now you got the idea tehe

Art Therapy

Tonight was our first night at Family art therapy. We started out the night horribly lost, then once we got there they informed the kids that instead of pizza they were going to have chicken salad on pita bread and fruit salad. Anyone want to venture a guess how the kids took that revalation :). We sat as a family during dinner or as my girls made sure we knew was really a snack, during dinner we got to meet all the staff. All the staff and volunteers were so nice everyone bent over back words to make this a pleasant experience, the lady in charge of name tags even said she would make Merry's doll a name tag next week (that just about made me cry). Then we broke up the kids went to their groups then the adults went to theirs. We shared how our children were coping with treatments and shared how hard it was to sit and look at our kids sweet faces and tell them that daddy had cancer, then I shared how I have had to Field pointed questions like "is Daddy going to die?". We all agreed how do you answer that. Everyone there had different forms of cancer and at different stages but we all had one thing in common our spouses had cancer that could possibly kill them and we had small children who we have to try to preserve their mental health while not loosing our own.
I was a little surprised my my feelings after the group I thought I would feel so much better but I really didn't. I am not sure why but when I got home a full on bummed out was my mood. I am happy the kids enjoyed themselves they LOVED the art and they are thrilled we will have a party on the 6th week at the Cummer. I haven't told them some of their art work will actually hang at the Cummer yet that will be the ultimate for them. Even though I am a little down tonight I cannot wait to go back one thing felt good being with people who were in exactly the same boat as us. I now have 5 new amazing families to add to my prayers.

Lord bless those families that were represented tonight bless them with your peace, provision for all the miriad of medical expences and health, touch their bodies Lord and heal them of this horribloe disease and grant those sweet children the gift of both parents.

Another Step on the LONG winding road

Well we made it back frim Tampa and with the help of my wonderful inlaws we came back with our sanity well sort of :). The apt was not what we had hoped. We were hoping to go in and they say the scans showed the cancer is stable, but instead they said the scans were inconclusive (the worst word in the english language) and they needed to do another round of different scans in 6 weeks. During the exam Gary told the doctor about the pain he has in his rib and shoulder and that the Radiation oncologist had seen something on the shoulder but he wasnt sure what it is, thats when the Doctor told us that he was fairly certain that the cancer has spread there and when we scan in 6 weeks we will confirm. WHAT SIX MORE WEEKS is what I wanted to say. If you are fairly certain then go scan his behind NOW.. He talked about adding more medicines to the mix in 6 weeks and then more radiation. It is just all so overwhelming sometimes. We ended up going to lunch crying a little then when we got back to the hotel we just sort of collapsed and thanks to Grandma and Grandpa we were able to actually take a little nap. By the time we woke up this morning we have sort of pulled ourselves together realizing that we serve a BIG God and we are surrounded with so many wonderful loving people how can we go wrong. So this journey has still got a long way to go but I thank you for standing with us and letting us know we are never alone. I am truly grateful for all that has been done for us from phone calls, facebook messages to meals it all lets us know we are loved and that you are standing with us.

Gary update 4/9 - Day 3 - Another "big day" fizzles

We had our visit with the neuroendocrine doctor today to go over the octreatide scan results. Another disappointment: The results were "inconclusive". He mentioned the drug sandostatin again and said that "statin receptors" in the neuroendocrine cancer cells are what uptake the octreatide. In my case, they are not. He says this does happen in 1 of 10 neuroendocrine cancers.

The “What If” game I have been sitting in this hotel room playing this mind game. It is not a pleasant game ,not helpful at all. It is so hard to wait for the doctors visit tomorrow!! It is like our whole peace and provision rides on that appointment tomorrow and I know all that is in God but it is so hard. I am praying that they will tell us “the radiation worked wonders and nothing has spread and all is well come back in 6 months”. What I fear they will tell us is” the radiation worked some but unfortunately the cancer has spread and he needs to quit work immediately and begin further chemo/radiation treatments” . Or even worse “the cancer has spread and there is nothing more we can do go home be with your family and get your affairs in order”.
Now I know that the “what if” game is not of God and I know that is not the thing HE wants us to do. I KNOW HE wants us to cast off all vain imaginations and put ALL our trust in the one who created us in our mother’s womb. My mind knows that but my heart is having trouble believing my mind. I guess a lot of the “what if” game is actually fear. Fear of loosing my husband and being a widow in my thirties. Fear over how in the world we will survive without Him. Fear over how would I ever learn how to use his checkbook software with out him . Then there is the fear of how will we make it if he goes on disability how will the mortgage be paid? Even working 50 hours a week I don t think I could make half of his salary. Emotionally how am I going to be there for my kids if we have to see daddy so sick again or worse how will I help them thru if we loose him. How would your daddy dying when you are a teenager screw you up mentally. I was 28 when my dad and it was horrible. I told Gary if he left me to raise three teenage girls alone he would rest in peace till I got there then watch out!!
OK maybe venting on all of my blog readers will get the “what if game” out of my head so maybe tonight I can sleep unlike last night  Thank you for listening to my irrational venting. I don’t have an impartial person to really sit down and unburden with so I really appreciate you blog readers very much. I know that you are praying for this family and I truly am grateful. You all are great listeners 
Lord Jesus I pray that you will fill my mind with your perfect peace the peace that passes all understanding….

Just for a giggle: I have a daughter who is almost thirteen full on into the ditzy teenager phase. Yesterday when we were waiting for Gary in the Lobby of the Moffitt CANCER hospital she looked at me and said it sure seems like there is a lot of people with cancer here? I just had to say well DUHHHHH where are we she answered ”Moffitt “ I said ok finish the name of the hospital and my 9 year old who is going on 29 piped in and said Moffitt CANCER hospital of course the people around here are going to have cancer gesh  gotta love sisters :)