Thank you all for your prayers! We got home from a two day stay in the hospital. The thought that he might have a pulmonary embolism so needless to say we were anxious. Luckily the issues he had and are still dealing with are due to his low blood count and blood level. They gave him two units of blood and it helped him feel better some. He still may be at the doctor getting fluids tomorrow but no more hospital yeah. For being such a stressful week it had some real blessings in it too. A good friend started a card and hat fund campaign and we ended up getting at least a couple of cards in the mail every day for the last week it has been such a spirit boost to look at all those cool cards we posted them on the wall for Gary to look at every day. The first night in the hospital I was supposed to go out with friends to celebrate my birthday bur canceled because of needing to be there for Gary. They got take out and came and ate it at the hospital with me we laughed and cut up and had such a great time. Words can never express to them how much that meant to me. While I was visiting Gary got to visit with a pastor from our church, his moms church, his parents and brother and wife. Other than the whole hospital thing it was a great night . That evening when they started blood the nurse who we had talked about faith with shared such a perfect word for Gary and I exactly what we needed to hear and when she hung the blood she prayed over each bag as she hung it and that really blew me away how cool is that. Even the oncologist told us to be blessed when we left. Gary's parents were life savers yet again they second day they brought me a sub for lunch and a fan to help cool the room down. The fan made sleeping so much nicer:). Then mom sweet mom watched my girls for two straight days and I think she deserves a saint hood for that. They are naturally full of life but when daddy is sick they don't always know how to handle things and they can lash out and for that she deserves sainthood ;) I am so glad to be home know I am exhausted but feel so blessed too we had people bring us meals and just love on us and it's been so wonderful. You feel like with a family of friends behind you and a God who loves us and sends just the right hospital staff that together cancer dosent have a chance it's going down. Thank you to all my angels this week you all will never know how much your kindness has helped this tired woman and a worn out man keep fighting. We pray Gods double blessing on you all.

" Lord, in my time of need, give me confidence in Your ability
to hear my prayer and Your willingness to grant mercy and grace."
Evelyn Bence 2010 daily Guideposts

This is a prayer I have "borrowed" from Evelyn because the dark uncertain
times can some times make me forget that God is still there and is that fourth man
in the fire with us.
Thank you Lord for never being too far away.

Bald really is beautiful :)

This week has been a trying on to say the least. Tuesday Gary went for his weekly blood test and we thought that he was doing pretty good but when we got the results back his blood levels were dangerously low. We ended up being in the hospital for him getting a transfusion and we were not released till 3:30 am. We walked into the house at 4am and Cassie and Merry came running out to hug us, part of me was glad to see them the other side of me yelled GO TO BED :). Wednesday was pretty much a day of sleep but that evening I think Gary hit an extra low point he discovered that his hair was falling out. Boy when his hair let loose it let loose by the time we made it to the hair place on Friday he barely had any left at all. I have to say it was a lot harder to see him get shaved then I thought it would be. I am pleasantly surprised at how good he looked after it was done. I told him he really was very sexy bald (I know tmi). In my minds eye he still has hair and when I look over at him it reminds me of the difficult battle he is facing. I told him if he choose to go bald I would LOVE it but knowing why he is bald makes my heart hurt every time I look at him :(. Next week on Monday he gets a porta cath put in which will be so great for him not as much pain so I am so happy for that but we have to BE there at 5 am I am not so happy about that lol.. then Tuesday if his blood is okay then he will start 3 days of chemo and then a shot on Friday to help his immunity then he usually sleeps the weekend away after the chemo. Oh did I mention I turn 37 that week too. I have some friends who are taking me out on Tuesday for my birthday that will be an oasis for me this week, The kids keep asking what are you gonna do for your birthday and all I can say sit in the infusion center and help Gary, past that I don't think anything :( One priceless bday gift is my sweet man here to walk into another year of life with. I am so grateful that My middle and youngest daughters birthdays will fall on an off week for chemo so daddy should feel up to being at their party.
We are in such a difficult busy season right now please pray for us as we head into the holiday season. I swore this year no matter how tired I am that I will make this Holiday as special as possible. Last year we barely thought about the holidays and they past with barely a mention from us and I swore this year will not be like that. Last thanksgiving Gary was just released from the hospital and the trip up north we were planning got scrapped and thanks to an inpromptu trip to publix we did have turkey and fixins but they were all microwaveable sides and it pretty much was pathetic :( This year IS going to be different Thanksgiving may come from cracker barrel or Sonny's (it will be a chemo week ) but we will make it special. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and we need to celebrate and make memories every chance we can. So let me be the first to wish you all a happy special almost holiday season make memories and make it special..

Depressed

I'm seeing the first evidence that my hair is falling out. I'm not taking it as well as I thought I would. I don't consider myself vain, but it's still difficult. Between that and all we went through yesterday with the transfusion, I'm feeling very depressed.

God, help me out of this hole!

Lord, I put my trust in You. Let me not be ashamed! Amen!

Such an inspiration - Facing the Giants

When you think you don't have enough strength, keep pressing on:

Gary update 9/3/10 - So long, Moffitt!

I had a follow up appointment today with my radiation oncologist, regarding my latest PET scan. He was in full agreement with my doctor at Moffitt that chemo is the best option right now and is pleased that North Florida Hematology and Oncology at St. Vincent's is administering it as the two practices are so closely associated with one another.

We also met with him to discuss an issue that has been burdening us since my last two visits at Moffitt. We have loved the atmosphere at Moffitt. It is a very hope-filled place and we have encountered some very good doctors there; however, in my case, things have not gone well.

We have been going to Moffitt every 4-6 weeks since early December and have never gotten anywhere. He has run test after test with no success. When my radiation oncologist wanted to do a PET scan on me months ago, my Moffitt doctor overruled him and wanted instead to do a contrast CT scan because he said it was "more reliable" than PET. I gave in then because I wanted Moffitt to be my central coordinator of care, although I could tell that it was against my radiation oncologist's better judgment. It did not sit well with me either. Just a gut feeling at the time.

Again several months later, my radiation oncologist again suggested the PET scan because he said we needed to find a consistent test to determine the extent and spread of the cancer. In this case, against my Moffitt doctor's advice, I permitted the PET at the local office. I'm glad I did. This scan clearly showed cancer in my liver and my radiation oncologist wanted to jump on it then, but again was overruled by Moffitt who wanted to redo scans their way.

The three phase CT was done and came back negative, so my Moffitt doctor said there was nothing there and that "a PET scan would never show something that the CT scan wouldn't". He wanted me to come back in three months for another CT. It was after our insistence to the point of getting ugly that the Moffitt doctor agreed to redo the PET at all, and refused to allow it to be done here, but insisted that I go back to Moffitt.

This is when the "inexplicable" result came back clearly showing cancer. Only then did my Moffitt doctor do a 180 and suggest chemo and more aggressive therapy. What if we had waited three months as he originally wanted knowing what the second PET scan showed? If this has become aggressive as my radiation oncologist and THEN my Moffitt doctor determined, three months could have made a big difference!

Something that also happened at our last appointment that I did not mention in my previous updates is that my Moffitt doctor made the statement when we were arguing about the repeat PET scan that it "wouldn't change your prognosis". That's when the ball dropped.

If you recall, a similar negative experience is what led us away from Shands to Moffitt to begin with. I put confidence in the doctor at Moffitt at the time because he is a supposed neuroendocrine expert, but we felt as though he was standing blindfolded aiming at a dart board hoping to hit the bullseye. His "won't change your prognosis" line was really the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll tell you why.

When a doctor, any doctor, makes statements like this, and gives the tone or speech of "no hope", they cannot be giving 110% to fight for me. No matter what the statistics say, miracles happen every day, and it is no doctor's place to put a label on anyone that says "you have x amount of time to live". Life and death are in God's hands. When a doctor plays God, he or she is basically just half-heartedly throwing one treatment or another at me, but he is not really standing behind me to fight with me all the way no matter what it takes. He has tried to steal my hope. I will not tolerate that attitude and I won't! I didn't tolerate it from Shands and will not from Moffitt either, now matter what their reputation.

Both of my oncologists here in town have given me the best of care. They have fought side by side with me through this all and have earned my trust because of their diligence and their commitment to never give up no matter what. So we asked ourselves, "Why are we driving hundreds of miles every few weeks and spending thousands of dollars [to this point] on hotel rooms and things in Tampa when we're getting nowhere there." Every appointment has been one disappointment after another.

When we told my radiation oncologist today about what happened at Moffitt, the "prognosis" statement that was made, and the implication that a well-respected radiation oncologist like him didn't know how to read a PET scan infuriated him, and he had a few choice words to say that I can't repeat. :)

My radiation oncologist is the head of radiology for St. Vincent's. His office is also closely affiliated with my general oncologist's office and they have a great rapport between them. I am trusting them with my life, and I know they are fighting for me from more stories than I can tell here.

So after a LOT of deliberation, prayer, soul-searching, and consultation with my radiation oncologist, we have made the decision to pull away from Moffitt and to move the center of my care to North Florida Hematology and Oncology under my general oncologist as my primary onconogist working with my radiation oncologist for any further radiation and scans that may need to be done. Everything will be local with doctors that I have earned great respect for.

I know this may shock some. This is a sensitive decision that we DO NOT take lightly. We have wrestled with this for some time. We know what I am facing, we have no disillusions, but I have faith in God for healing and that he will use this team of cancer "bulldogs" who will tenaciously fight on my side with me and never give up just as I don't intend to give up.

I believe we have made the right decision. I'm sure many may disagree, but please respect that we are doing what we feel it is best, and Cindy and I are both in agreement with one another that we are doing the right thing, and have confirmation in our spirits that this is the right course.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. Thank you also for those who have sent so many encouraging cards and letters and have helped us in so many ways. God bless you all

We continue to press ahead towards VICTORY!

Chemo started this week for Gary. I don't think any of us really knew what to expect. So far he has just been tired no other real side affects. Daddy spent about 25 hours at the doctor this week. We brought the kids with us on Friday (bottom pic) just so they could meet the nurses and so they can see where daddy is spending s much time. I think that really helped them and they were so excited that they were given a soda they thought any doctor that gives out soda cant be so bad :)Now Gary has 21 days off till his next round of chemo and it will start sept 14th and on that day he has an outpatient procedure to put a power port right under his skin so he will not have to get stuck 8 times like he did this week. My sweet man has been thru so much I think he must have had a gallon of chemo put into him this week. Now we just have to pray that all that chemo does its job and kills all that cancer. Please keep praying for his healing and Gods provision during all this and every round of chemo God has been so good to us I know he will walk us thru this coming season., ON TO VICTORY

Lord thank you for walking with us during this year of trial you have been the fourth man in the fire with us and we are so grateful. We now beg you Lord to let this chemo be the instrument of your healing in him and Lord we continue to ask you for your provision as for the funding needed to keep up this new therapy thank you Lord

Gary update 8/24/10 - Chemo day 1 and schedule

Ok, after 2 days going through the class and my first day of chemo (today), I think I finally understand enough of how this process will work to explain the schedule coherently.

Every three weeks (this week being the first week), I will have 3 days of chemo and one day of a just a single shot. This will be Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays for the chemo and Fridays for the shot. Each day’s length will vary because of what is involved. All appointments will be in the afternoon (usually 1 p.m.)

Day 1 (Tuesday) – I will meet with the doctor, have lab work done, receive some anti-nausea medicine, and receive two different forms of chemo on day 1, one called Carboplatin and one called VP-16. Carboplatin takes an hour to infuse and VP-16 30-45 minutes, so between all that, seeing the doctor, etc., this will be by far the longest day.

Day 2 (Wednesday) – I will just have VP-16 this day. Also, to kill two birds with one stone, the doctor has arranged to do my Zometa the same day (it was every 4 weeks for Zometa, now it will be 3). So the time will be lessened in that I won't have the Carboplatin, but lengthened in that the Zometa will be added.

Day 3 (Thursday) – Just VP-16 this day. Short day!

Day 4 (Friday) – I will receive a simple injection of a drug called Neulasta which increases white blood cell production. Typically with chemo, the blood counts are lowered. If the white cells are reduced, this reduces immunity. This drug jump starts the body to produce more white blood cells than normal to reduce the impact on my immune system.

Even on non-chemo weeks, I must still report in one day each week (currently every Tuesday) to have blood drawn and my blood counts checked. I must wait for the labs to come back as a significant drop in blood cell count can be very serious and they can’t wait three weeks between to check it.

The chemo drugs have numerous side effects, so I have to keep a close eye on my temperature and some other factors and call the doctor immediately. I may have to go in unexpectedly if side effects arise.

The only other issue is that it has been recommended that I have a port installed. This is a tube that is run into a main blood vessel of the hurt. The port itself is under the skin, so nothing is exposed, but it allows them to hook my up without have to run an IV each time. We had a lot of trouble today getting the IV in and they’re concerned the my arm veins are collapsing with having had so many IVs so far. I’m still weighing this decision. Evidently it is a simple twilight sedation procedure that only takes about half an hour to implant.Everything is under the skin, so I can shower with it, swim with it, etc. and have no problems (almost sounds like a plug for a Hair Club for Men commercial).

I know this is a lot of information. I can hardly figure it out. Needless to say this is going to be time intensive and I’m not looking forward to it or any side effects.

I'm not looking forward to all the time and hassle involved, I’m hoping and praying that the chemo will be a success so it will be worth it. Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and encouragement.

Follow up to 8/19/10 status - chemo

I guess they want to get going faster than I expected!

I got a call yesterday afternoon that my first chemo appointment is this Monday (8/23). Apparently I have to go through a "chemo class" that will take a few hours, then meet with the doctor, and have some lab work done. They said day 1 to expect to be there all day! If there is enough time after all this, I will get my first round of chemo on Monday, otherwise, it will be Tuesday.

Gary update 8/19/10 - Bad news

I  got a call from the doctor in Tampa today with the results of my latest PET scan and things don't look good from a medical standpoint.

The doctor says that not only did my liver light up on the scan as before, but that it shows that the tumors in the liver have grown even since the last PET scan. Therefore, the doctor feels that, under the circumstances with what he is seeing, he believes that the original diagnosis is incorrect and that I in fact have the aggressive form of neuroendocrine cancer instead of the slow-growing form.

Camp Kessem

The link above is a slide show of the camp that the girls just went to. I am blown away by the love and care that these UF students put into this camp. Annie said they listened to me and loved me it changed my life the other two echoing that sentiment. This slide show made me cry for two reasons one that so many children are having to go thru the pain of a parent with cancer and two that a bunch of college students would care enough to do this for strangers kids it is amazing. Merry still talks about slow dancing with a male counselor she said my first slow dance was with a dreamy older guy :) So So cool thank you Camp Kessem !!!!!

Camp Kessem and Forward

Last week the girls got to spend a whole week at a special camp for kids who have a parent who has or has died from cancer. From the moment they got there they were showered with attention counselors were their friends and all the counselors attention was on them they ate that up as those of you who know my social butterflies can imagine. Merry went to set up her bed and when she got back all the counselor could do was shake her head while Merry talked because she was talking so fast the counselor couldn't get a word in edge wise. I laughed and told the director I think she is settling in fine. Annie came home and told me that the counselors just listened to her and it changed her life, Cassie was thrilled she found and energetic girl to be her friend and they had fun "exploring" together, God love their counselors lol. I am so thrilled that they got that time to be away from daddy's sickness and just be fun energetic loud kids again. I actually found myself jealous of them a little while they were gone because the battle continued to rage on and Gary had quit a few bad days and sick days but we did have some very special alone time and we watched lots of faith filled movies and just enjoyed each other. We also wen out every night and got a coke Icee.
I can only imagine how hard this battle is on Gary he is such a trooper but he is feeling really bad and even the doctor commented his condition has substantially deteriorated ( not something you want the doctor to say ). It is so hard to see him go thru this battle I love him so much if I could donate a kidney or give blood or anything to make him better I would in a heart beat but I cant and it feels so helpless. The kids are having a rough time of it too they don't know what to do or how to be. They are angry and sad but they aren't sure who at so it has been coming out on me and their sisters. This morning they found out that we have to go back to Tampa this week for the second time in two weeks and they all got sad and so upset that we were leaving them again. I try to tell them it is not my choice but all they know is we are leaving them again!! The older two roll with the punches in that area pretty well but Merry my youngest she has so much anger over the cancer thing in her that she just does not know what to do and she ends up lashing out at everyone around her. It is getting so hard for our little family we feel like we are at mile 19 of a marathon so exhausted from what we have all ready done and we have SO much farther to go and we just don't know if we can do it. Will we all see the finish line or will I carry thru with my threat to drive off the buckman bridge with all of them in the car (dont judge me :) you know when you have had all your kids fighting after an all ready long day you have threatened such things ). Life is really hard right now for this family please pray for these sweet girls they so need grace and peace all they can see is no matter how hard they pray their daddy is slowly slipping away from them and they just dont know what to do. We all need a strength boost so we can stand firm in faith with Gary for healing and not dwell on what we see. Thank you for your continued support of this family we are so grateful for the love and care that we have recieved we are eternally grateful.

Update to 7/30/10 posting

I got a call today directly from my GI oncologist at Moffitt. I didn't get to the phone in time and he called twice within about a minute. This had me nervous enough because he never calls directly. He always has his nurse call.

When I finally was able to speak to him, he said that he had received my PET scan results from my radiation oncologist's office and reviewed them with a radiologist. In his words, the comparison is "inexplicable". He said he's never seen anything like it before. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone at this point since I just obviously have a weird body! He is bewildered that he and the radiologist both agree that the three-phase CT shows nothing on the liver but they can't explain why my liver is so brightly lit up on the PET scan.

The doctor would like to repeat the PET scan at Moffitt in "a week or two", so it looks like it'll be back to Tampa much earlier than we thought (originally I wasn't to go back until October 1). My PET scan currently scheduled with my radiation oncologist will be canceled.

The doctor wants to be sure I discuss the Sandostatin with my general oncologist her in town. Fortunately, I have a follow up appointment with them in the morning, so we can discuss that then. It's too early to do my next Zometa infusion and they can be done together, so I don't know if I'll get the first shot tomorrow or if they'll opt to wait until my Zometa infusion. That has yet to be scheduled but is usually sometime in the third week of the month.

Moffitt will be calling me to schedule the PET scan appointment. I'll let you know when I know for sure. The doctor says we will do the follow up on the same day, so I won't have to wait, thank the Lord!

Gary update 7/30/10 - Good news? Bad news? Who knows?

I had my appointment today at Moffitt for a triple phase CT scan of my liver. The results came back negative. I would be excited about that except that this disagrees strongly with the PET scan I had earlier and I am continuing to have pain in the liver area, nausea, vomiting, and other digestive problems. The doctor is dumbfounded over it.

He says he sees nothing on the CT which would indicate any cancer growth. He can't explain the nausea/vomiting or why I'm continuing to be heavily fatigued. He said that, although all scans indicate that I have the slow-growing type of neuroendocrine cancer, that many of the manifestations of the disease are expressing themselves like the more aggressive forms. He said he could tell that I had noticeably deteriorated, but is at a loss to explain why since he says nothing has changed that he can see with regard to the tumors.

Radiation round 2 is OVER :)

I am so happy to say that radiation round 2 is OVER, he made it. It has been a very long month for the whole family. The kids had a really bad time thru all this they had to watch daddy sleep all day get violently sick after the smallest effort with things. They would ask me is daddy getting worse he seems sicker. I can only imagine it is the most difficult thing for us and we comprehend most of what is going on they just know daddy is sick and they are afraid. They are so happy tonight to see daddy feeling a little better, when I called him for dinner Annie got the hugest smile and and said "Daddy is going to eat?" He has two weeks now of a medical break before we head to Tampa to get rescanned and get a treatment plan for the liver cancer. I am also so happy to say that God led us to the perfect car for us we recently purchased a Ford Expedition very used but in amazing condition this car will be such a pleasure to drive to Tampa in my youngest was so happy to realize we could take trips again because we have a descent working car finally. I am so thrilled with it I still cant believe it is mine but I will adapt :)

Thank you all for standing so strong with us thru this radiation/car drama we cant put into words how much your love and support means to us. This has been a marathon journey we are quickly approaching one year dealing with this one year , one really LONG year. Next month will bring the beginning of the liver treatment but it will also be a great first time experience for the kids the will go to a special camp for kids who have a parent dealing with Cancer. They got so stoked when they watched the you tube promo video and it said from the time they get to camp the kids only job is to have fun. I am hoping while they are in camp mommy and daddy can go to a hotel in Orlando and have some fun ourselves ;) Thank you again for loving and supporting us in this journey we could not do it with out you.

Lord thank you for the friends that share this journey with us and please Lord be with the friends who are running marathon journeys of their own.

Hanging in there in faith

We are at day 12 now of a 20 day treatment regime. He has had his up days and his bad days. His Liver pain is consistently hurting him even through a pain patch and several other pain pills. This journey continues to take its toll on the entire family. The kids have pulled me aside and asked if Daddy's is getting worse and I just have to remind them we are standing in faith for his healing and right now our faith is all we have. He has been able to continue to work from home he pieces together a work day sometimes at 12 am when ever he has the energy. We got a big blow this last week when my vehicle died we are believing God for a trustworthy vehicle one that will get Gary to Tampa and help us get him to all the appointments and treatments he needs. We continue to be proactive and look at used cars on a daily basis but nothing so it is truly in Gods hands. We have been thankful for my Mom who is helping the kids get to their activities and to Gary's dad and brother who is helping Gary get to treatments. As Independence weekend is on us I am declaring my Independence from worry. I have to let it sit at Gods feet, Gary's health, My future and my vehicle, its all safe and sound in Gods hands He has not filled us in on His plans yet but as long as He has his it under control we will be okay. Thank you all for your help, love and prayers and rides and lawn mowing we are so grateful for your love and friendship. 8 more treatments we can see the light at the end of the tunnel just praying it isn't the same train that keeps knocking us around lol. I look forward in faith to posting about how God has helped us get thru this radiation and how he will direct us to the right best car for us.

Count your blessing section:

We had a wonderful lady come a long way to pick up Anne and Cassie so they could go to their
water park youth trip.

Gary has had wonderful visits with his Dad and Brother as he has gone to radiation treatments

A lady at the doctors office turned Gary onto Ginger ale to help sooth his nausea and it works pretty well.

We had Gary's work send us a huge meal from Sonny's food that we ended up getting 4 meals from and just the meal itself was a blessing when your just so exhausted cooking is unimaginable.

We have a gentleman coming over this weekend to mow our lawn he called at just the right time when our yard is starting to look pretty over grown.

The multitude of comments and encouragement we receive thru facebook, it is amazing.


Gary's work

Thank you God for the many blessings you pour out on this family. Thank you for never leaving us or forsaking us thank you for taking care of every need you are the best! amen

The Marathon is getting LONGER

We are about to head into the second full week of radiation. The side affects have begun he is extremely tired all the time. He is very nauseous and is having swallowing problems. On top of all that his liver pain is increasing in severity and so is his shoulder pain. We are going to talk to the doctor tomorrow about adding in the shoulder to this radiation session. It will make him a little sicker but better to get as much over at a time as possible. It rips my heart out to see him go thru all the pain and suffering but it also makes me love him so much more because I know that he is fighting this as hard as he is so that he can always be there for me and his daughters. As if all the stress on this family is not enough my vehicle died this week. We have decided to take out a loan for a few thousand dollars to try to find a good used car. But we cant afford to make a mistake with this we need a car that will be there when we need to take Gary to appointments or to Tampa so we need God to put a neon sign over the used car for us :)

I am not sure what this week will hold for us I am not sure how much worse his side affects will get but I do know God is with us. We went to church today and let our spirits be refreshed in the love of God and the Love of the people at at church.
Thank you Lord for being our strong tower and refuge so that in these incredibly troubled times you always provide a place for us to be refreshed.

Whats Happening ......

Well it is the weekend and we have survived the deep (and I mean deep) depression of finding out the cancer has spread to the liver all the pre radiation tests and 2 days of radiation. That and I survived the addition of a week of vbs for the kids, taking them to church, stumbling thru my song for asl class, taking Gary to his appointments and taking the kids to swim team (God helped me out with rain showers for most of that :) I could not have done it with out some angels this week we have had 2 meals brought to us at just the right time when we needed it most and Gary's brother Michael and his wife Christina took some of the stress of me and took Gary to some of his non radiation appointments. We had an angel of a man and his brother come and mow our lawn. I also was able to chat with so many people in person and over facebook so any time I felt alone someone would be there to let me know I was not. I think it is really funny how you can be under so much stress that you just want to sit in the corner and cry and feel incredibly blessed all at the same time. We are defiantly living life on a day by day basis right now people have asked what I am going to do about this issue or that and just say when I know I will let you know. I am thankful for my mom living with us or we would not have any clothes to wear at all :) People have asked us how they could help us and I think the first thing is to continue to pray for wisdom, health and wise doctors. As far as anything else if anyone ever wants to bring a meal for us that would be such a blessing to me by the end of the day I have been so stressed and so out of energy that dinner has consisted of take out for us most nights. I am grateful for all the notes and calls and prayers we have received you all have held our hands up when we just could not do it by ourselves and I could never tell you how grateful we are. I know that with all of our wonderful family and friends and the most awesome church ever we will get thru this and we will have such a celebration the day that our faith becomes our eyes and we see Gary healthy and cancer free..

How I feel????

How do you feel?? As soon as we made it back to the room after finding out about the Liver Cancer the social worker came in and asked me that question and well at the time my answer was "like a mac truck just ran us over". We talked for a few minutes and then she let us alone to talk and the first thing out of Gary's mouth was "we really need to speed up you finishing your college". At that point fear set in, not about college I want to do that but fear over the motive for him asking that. The motive was with this news I know I am going to die and I want you to be able to care for yourself and the kids when I am gone. I got a little perturbed at him and told him not to ever think that way again or I will kill him!!! Once we got home I think the answer to how I feel changed to overwhelmed, I have three kids who don't understand why daddy is in so much pain and sleeps all the time. They just do not know how to handle whats going on with daddy and it is up to me to help them understand and deal with all that is happening. We are starting to see some behavioral issues and I know it is because of Daddy being sick but I am lost to try to help. I am waiting to hear the dreaded question again "is Daddy going to die?" Last time I got that question I told them honestly we are never guaranteed tomorrow so we just have to live and appreciate today. Today Gary woke up with an even more severe pain in his Liver the pain was so bad that he even had trouble breathing. The answer to the how your feeling question today was a numb fear. We had to call the doctors and they told us the radiation in the spine was more severe and the liver could wait till first of August. They gave him a pain patch that is supposed to be pretty powerful the prescription had to have the fact that he is a cancer patient on it for them to fill it. They did and now we are waiting the 18 hours it takes to start kicking in. I pray that when it does it will kick in big time and help him to feel better.This evening as I wasted time on Facebook games I was overwhelmed at the out pouring of love and help we received. It is such a blessing to know that the people that are telling us that they are praying for us are not just saying that and they truly are storming the heavens with us for his healing. We are both so tired and overwhelmed it is so wonderful to know that just like Moses did we have people holding our arms up. Tonight Gary really wanted a strawberry milk shake and he hadn't felt like eating anything all day so I went out and got him a milkshake at midnight ( thank God for steak and shake on the corner open 24 hours) I sat in the car for a few minutes just listening to the radio and one of my favorite songs came on and the verse goes "separated until the veil was torn moment that hope was born and guilt was conquered once and for all ...." That day hope was born so no matter what the doctors say they cannot take away my hope they aren't the ones who gave it to me to begin with!!!!
Tonight I am physically and emotionally exhausted I am overwhelmed at the gravity of the situation we are in, I am worried how everyone will cope with the challenges ahead, but I am hopeful that no matter what the next year holds for this family God has our back and will hold us in the palm of His hands. I am grateful for the people HE has placed in our lives that are coming in and relieving some of the pressures. Thank you Lord for ripping that veil and birthing hope for a hopeless world and thank you that even when my situation seems hopeless there is always hope in you. Thank you Lord for the people in our lives whose simple conversations have made such a difference in us and they will never now the impact they have had on our lives and our faith.

Gary update 6/9/10 - Not good news

I went in today for my PET scan and mapping for my upper spinal radiation. I am due for my "film check" this coming Wednesday, June 16, then my radiation will start the following day, Thursday, June 17, every weekday morning. I forgot to ask how many treatments it will be. I am assuming 20 like last time, but I'll talk to the doctor to be sure.

By far the most surprising and shocking news is what else the PET scan showed. I nonchalantly mentioned to the doctor that I had been having pain in my side a little but it wasn't close to any bone. We went and reviewed the PET scans and we discovered that the cancer has spread to my liver.