This is my cake for our churchs harvest festival. I had great intentions of this grandios cake but with being at the hospital everyday with Gary last week and the bad news we got I did not have the energy or gumption to do the cake I wanted. I did this cake and I dedicate it to my sweet husband. HOPE it is a hard thing to keep right now with the news of the chemo not working and his liver failing all of us really just want to sit in the corner and cry but with Gods strength we will keep doing what the cake says :)

Gary update 10/29/10

Well the news following the CT scan is not good. The chemo has not been successful. They want to abandon the other chemo regiment and want to start me on a new chemo drug called Topotecan (to-po-TEE-can) starting next week on Monday.

The chemo will be every 3 to 4 weeks "depending", the doctor says. The only down side is that it will be for five days in a row now! So instead of Tuesday-Thursday...every day. I won't complain, especially if it's helping! With it being one drug, it shouldn't take as long as the old chemo.

We're hoping that this will be successful as part of my healing. The doctor said there are fewer side effects and it has been successful in neuroendocrine patients. This is a setback, but I'm holding fast to God's promises.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. They truly help me stay strong in the fight when the temptation sometimes is to want to give up. Knowing so many people are thinking about me is such a great encouragement. God bless you all!

Gary update 10/28/10

I started day 1 of chemo seemingly without a hitch. I casually mentioned to the doctor during my doctor visit that Cindy had noticed a yellowing of my eyes so the doctor decided to recheck my bilirubin levels. He said they were normal two weeks before so he wasn't overly concerned.

Wednesday, we showed up for day 2 thinking it would be just a routine day 2 infusion. We went to head back for infusion when we were told that the doctor wanted to see us first. That left us worried and confused.

The doctor had checked the bilirubin levels and they were significantly up from 2 weeks prior. The doctor's suspicion was that one of the bile ducts was blocked which may or may not be cancer related. He ordered a liver and gall bladder ultrasound which I had this morning to see what we could find out.

The ultrasound came back inconclusive; however, they noted a "thickening" of the liver itself. This has led the doctor to believe that I have either "intrahepatic" or "extrahepatic" metastatic growth, meaning that either tumors are growing inside my liver and pressing on a duct or perhaps tumors are outside my liver pressing on the organ itself and compressing a duct. Either way, this doesn't sound like good news to me.

I go in in the morning for a CT scan to see if we can get some more information. If this is the case, the doctor feels it can be addressed by a change of chemo. I'm just concerned that the chemo I'm getting is supposed to be shrinking the tumors and now we're talking about tumors growing.

I'm discouraged to say the least, but still optimistic. I know the battle is the Lord's and He has the victory! This is hopefully just one more bump in the road to healing. I appreciate your continued thoughts, prayers, and support and for all of the cards I've received. We've hung every card up in my room to look at whenever I feel discouraged or am tempted to give up.

God bless you all!

More Drama

This weekend I noticed Gary's eyes getting yellow and I told him to be sure to ask the doctor about it. He did and they checked and his bilirubin is up and liver function is down. Today he went into the hospital and got a liver ultrasound and when we went into the doctor to get the result they said that the scan showed a thickening in the liver and no blockage. So no blockage is a good thing but it would be an easy thing to deal with unfortunately they believe that the issues are caused by tumors in the liver or outside the liver and pressing on the liver. I am not sure what that means for him. The doc just said that we would have to change the chemo he is going thru but I am not sure what they are going to do to help his liver function. This is yet another bump in the journey please pray for this family as we face this new challenge. Thank you for walking with us on this journey.

A good but hard evening (warning this could cause tears)

Tonight I went with my girls to one of the most beautiful weddings I have seen in a while. It isn't the money spent on a wedding that causes it to be beautiful it is the emotion and the love of the couple and they so had that. The bride comes from an amazing Godly family who have raised their daughter up to be a pure and virtuous young lady and the groom is a wonderful young man who I think is ready to take on the role as head of the house and build a life with his new bride with God as his partner in the marriage. I was sad going in to the wedding tonight but had my happy face on because I am truly so very happy for them but I was sitting alone without my groom and it was hurting pretty bad. I kept the tears to a mild stream all thru the wedding thinking back at the same things that we did in our wedding. The first act as a married couple was taking communion and praying together and remembering just looking at that young man of mine and thinking this is my HUSBAND, HUSBAND cool :) The times that I cried was when the brides daddy gave her away I thought "are my girls going to be able to cry as their daddy lifts their veil", "are they gonna have to tell their daddy not to cry" full well knowing he will ball like such a big baby on their wedding day. Am I going to be able to squeeze my grooms arm as we watch our daughters change their name. Is Merry going to be able to have her daddy daughter dance to "Cinderella" like she wants. The point I broke down into complete embarrassing sobs was when the Grandfather of the bride prayed over the happy couple and asked God be with them till one places the other into Jesus arms. It was a beautiful prayer but for some reason tonight my faith was low and I worried that the day I would have to lay my groom in the arms of Jesus was sooner than I ever imagined and it shattered my heart. I was so glad to have the hugs and friendship of the people at the reception but I bugged out before the bridal party got in there I didn't think falling down into sobs was a good idea lol. I am so glad I got to be apart of this evening I am so happy for these kids and I pray that they will be able to look back in 15 years like us and say that we love each other more deeply and completely than we ever though was possible.
Cassie also told me she did not want me to spend any money on the wedding or dress because the courthouse would be fine I busted out laughing thinking sureky she will change her mind but I am recording it here for posterity :-)

No chemo yet :(

Well we went to the doctor on Tuesday and Gary's blood counts were way off again so they postponed chemo and gave him several hours of fluids and a shot to boost the red blood cell counts. Wednesday I had to have him at the hospital at 6:30 for a blood transfusion. That went pretty smoothly and we were done and home by 3:30 in the afternoon still a very long day but not near as long as it could have been. When we got home we were blessed by a friend who ordered us some pizza for dinner. After such a long day thay was very welcome and appreciated. It looks like this evening that Gary is coming down with a cold along with the girls. The girls have immune systems so they will be OK but Gary does not have any real immune system left so this will be quite a challenge for him. Chemo should start Tuesday baring any other issues. Please keep this family in your prayers as we continue down this cancer roller coaster. I am so ready to get off the roller coaster :) please pray for Gary that his body fights off this cold and he does not go thru any more procedures or have to get poked any more his poor little body is pretty tired.

Chemo Round 3

Tomorrow starts Chemo round 3 for my sweet man. He has now been horribly ill mostly bed ridden for 8 of the 10 weeks that he has been doing chemo. He is so tired. We have sat up many nights till wee hours talking and me trying to do my best to encourage him and cheer him on. I am afraid that the constant pain in him is starting to take away some of the fight in him. The rest of the family is exhausted as well. The times that I don't spend encouraging him is usually spent holding one child or another crying about how much they just want the old daddy back. This has left me on empty myself I am trying to dig deeper into the Lord and get my strength from HIM but it is so hard when you cant even catch your breath. Life is just wont slow down the trials and tribulations. I wish I could just have enough time to catch my breath. I thank the Lord for friends who help cheer me on I could not do it with out you. Please remember this family in your prayers I know that you continuously lift Gary up for healing but there is a different kind of healing that needs to come in 3 small and one big heart we are all broken and exhausted and are desperately praying for a break.Thanks for running this Marathon with us dear friends

It has been a VERY long couple of weeks. Thank the Lord there has not been anymore hospital stays. He has felt really awful lately and has been in bed the majority of the time. Fortunately that changed after he had to miss Cassie's birthday dinner. It is a tradition on each persons birthday we go as a family either out to eat or cook something special well Cassie's Birthday was on Wednesday and he felt to weak to go with us out to eat. While we were gone he sat in bed and was racked with sobs he felt so bad about missing dinner. When we were out to eat Cassie passed me the note pictured it made me cry so of course I posted it on my facebook page. When we got home I told him not to look at the pic so of course as all good little boys he looked at it and the sobs started again. We ended up being up till 4 am talking and crying and he just sobbed that he has lost what ever life he had left and it was killing him. The next day Gary woke up 180 degrees different he came into our room and sat with us ,school work with us, watched TV and played with the girls it was like a light turned on. The next day was the same and on Saturday I was the proudest of him that I had been in a long while. He mustard up the strength to go to Target and order Merry's (the second October bday) Bday cake and pick up some prescriptions he rode in a little cart and even rode over and looked at video games. He came home with the biggest smile on his face. It is funny how much we take for granted in life but that simple trip to Target made him feel alive again. On Sunday he started to feel bad again but he was determined not to miss another birthday dinner and he didn't God Love him he felt lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rutt but he did it and it made Merry so happy she was BEAMING sitting next to her daddy and it made all our days. We have a challenging week this week a couple of dr apts and some new meds I have to learn how to give him and a pet scan that will let us know if the chemo is working and what the next treatment step will be if any. We also have the holidays coming up and I know this will be a challenge on many levels for our family not only to make it special but the finances to do so (medical bills are pretty big). God had shown himself so amazing this month we were blessed with a couple of weeks of meals a few restaurant gift cards a new bed (ours was long broken) and a new water heater to replace the one that broke on us.God never ceases to amaze me when I break into a panic about stuff which I do more than I should God just quietly provides in ways I would never imagine. The other day going to the Doctoro Gary was feeling so bad I thought for sure we were headed to the hospital I sat in the drivers seat and prayed God let me know if a hospital stay is in our future if he will avoid the hospital let the next song be a Davis Crowder Band song ( I know using fleeces like Gideon did is not what a mature Christian would do but I was desperate). When we got to the doctor they took one look at him and put him in a wheel chair and wheeled him right back to an exam room where he proceeded to get sick and I was so defeated I thought there is no way they are not going to hospitalize him but they said his blood counts were ok but he was dehydrated and gave him fluids and he felt better and we went home. God used that time to remind me when HE tells me something I need to have faith in HIM that he will follow thru with what He promised.

This week Lord remind me to listen to the words that you have spoken over this family and help me have the faith to believe you for everything and thank you Lord for always finding new ways to suprise me with your blessings you are a great daddy :)

Thank you all for your prayers! We got home from a two day stay in the hospital. The thought that he might have a pulmonary embolism so needless to say we were anxious. Luckily the issues he had and are still dealing with are due to his low blood count and blood level. They gave him two units of blood and it helped him feel better some. He still may be at the doctor getting fluids tomorrow but no more hospital yeah. For being such a stressful week it had some real blessings in it too. A good friend started a card and hat fund campaign and we ended up getting at least a couple of cards in the mail every day for the last week it has been such a spirit boost to look at all those cool cards we posted them on the wall for Gary to look at every day. The first night in the hospital I was supposed to go out with friends to celebrate my birthday bur canceled because of needing to be there for Gary. They got take out and came and ate it at the hospital with me we laughed and cut up and had such a great time. Words can never express to them how much that meant to me. While I was visiting Gary got to visit with a pastor from our church, his moms church, his parents and brother and wife. Other than the whole hospital thing it was a great night . That evening when they started blood the nurse who we had talked about faith with shared such a perfect word for Gary and I exactly what we needed to hear and when she hung the blood she prayed over each bag as she hung it and that really blew me away how cool is that. Even the oncologist told us to be blessed when we left. Gary's parents were life savers yet again they second day they brought me a sub for lunch and a fan to help cool the room down. The fan made sleeping so much nicer:). Then mom sweet mom watched my girls for two straight days and I think she deserves a saint hood for that. They are naturally full of life but when daddy is sick they don't always know how to handle things and they can lash out and for that she deserves sainthood ;) I am so glad to be home know I am exhausted but feel so blessed too we had people bring us meals and just love on us and it's been so wonderful. You feel like with a family of friends behind you and a God who loves us and sends just the right hospital staff that together cancer dosent have a chance it's going down. Thank you to all my angels this week you all will never know how much your kindness has helped this tired woman and a worn out man keep fighting. We pray Gods double blessing on you all.

" Lord, in my time of need, give me confidence in Your ability
to hear my prayer and Your willingness to grant mercy and grace."
Evelyn Bence 2010 daily Guideposts

This is a prayer I have "borrowed" from Evelyn because the dark uncertain
times can some times make me forget that God is still there and is that fourth man
in the fire with us.
Thank you Lord for never being too far away.

Bald really is beautiful :)

This week has been a trying on to say the least. Tuesday Gary went for his weekly blood test and we thought that he was doing pretty good but when we got the results back his blood levels were dangerously low. We ended up being in the hospital for him getting a transfusion and we were not released till 3:30 am. We walked into the house at 4am and Cassie and Merry came running out to hug us, part of me was glad to see them the other side of me yelled GO TO BED :). Wednesday was pretty much a day of sleep but that evening I think Gary hit an extra low point he discovered that his hair was falling out. Boy when his hair let loose it let loose by the time we made it to the hair place on Friday he barely had any left at all. I have to say it was a lot harder to see him get shaved then I thought it would be. I am pleasantly surprised at how good he looked after it was done. I told him he really was very sexy bald (I know tmi). In my minds eye he still has hair and when I look over at him it reminds me of the difficult battle he is facing. I told him if he choose to go bald I would LOVE it but knowing why he is bald makes my heart hurt every time I look at him :(. Next week on Monday he gets a porta cath put in which will be so great for him not as much pain so I am so happy for that but we have to BE there at 5 am I am not so happy about that lol.. then Tuesday if his blood is okay then he will start 3 days of chemo and then a shot on Friday to help his immunity then he usually sleeps the weekend away after the chemo. Oh did I mention I turn 37 that week too. I have some friends who are taking me out on Tuesday for my birthday that will be an oasis for me this week, The kids keep asking what are you gonna do for your birthday and all I can say sit in the infusion center and help Gary, past that I don't think anything :( One priceless bday gift is my sweet man here to walk into another year of life with. I am so grateful that My middle and youngest daughters birthdays will fall on an off week for chemo so daddy should feel up to being at their party.
We are in such a difficult busy season right now please pray for us as we head into the holiday season. I swore this year no matter how tired I am that I will make this Holiday as special as possible. Last year we barely thought about the holidays and they past with barely a mention from us and I swore this year will not be like that. Last thanksgiving Gary was just released from the hospital and the trip up north we were planning got scrapped and thanks to an inpromptu trip to publix we did have turkey and fixins but they were all microwaveable sides and it pretty much was pathetic :( This year IS going to be different Thanksgiving may come from cracker barrel or Sonny's (it will be a chemo week ) but we will make it special. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and we need to celebrate and make memories every chance we can. So let me be the first to wish you all a happy special almost holiday season make memories and make it special..

Depressed

I'm seeing the first evidence that my hair is falling out. I'm not taking it as well as I thought I would. I don't consider myself vain, but it's still difficult. Between that and all we went through yesterday with the transfusion, I'm feeling very depressed.

God, help me out of this hole!

Lord, I put my trust in You. Let me not be ashamed! Amen!

Such an inspiration - Facing the Giants

When you think you don't have enough strength, keep pressing on:

Gary update 9/3/10 - So long, Moffitt!

I had a follow up appointment today with my radiation oncologist, regarding my latest PET scan. He was in full agreement with my doctor at Moffitt that chemo is the best option right now and is pleased that North Florida Hematology and Oncology at St. Vincent's is administering it as the two practices are so closely associated with one another.

We also met with him to discuss an issue that has been burdening us since my last two visits at Moffitt. We have loved the atmosphere at Moffitt. It is a very hope-filled place and we have encountered some very good doctors there; however, in my case, things have not gone well.

We have been going to Moffitt every 4-6 weeks since early December and have never gotten anywhere. He has run test after test with no success. When my radiation oncologist wanted to do a PET scan on me months ago, my Moffitt doctor overruled him and wanted instead to do a contrast CT scan because he said it was "more reliable" than PET. I gave in then because I wanted Moffitt to be my central coordinator of care, although I could tell that it was against my radiation oncologist's better judgment. It did not sit well with me either. Just a gut feeling at the time.

Again several months later, my radiation oncologist again suggested the PET scan because he said we needed to find a consistent test to determine the extent and spread of the cancer. In this case, against my Moffitt doctor's advice, I permitted the PET at the local office. I'm glad I did. This scan clearly showed cancer in my liver and my radiation oncologist wanted to jump on it then, but again was overruled by Moffitt who wanted to redo scans their way.

The three phase CT was done and came back negative, so my Moffitt doctor said there was nothing there and that "a PET scan would never show something that the CT scan wouldn't". He wanted me to come back in three months for another CT. It was after our insistence to the point of getting ugly that the Moffitt doctor agreed to redo the PET at all, and refused to allow it to be done here, but insisted that I go back to Moffitt.

This is when the "inexplicable" result came back clearly showing cancer. Only then did my Moffitt doctor do a 180 and suggest chemo and more aggressive therapy. What if we had waited three months as he originally wanted knowing what the second PET scan showed? If this has become aggressive as my radiation oncologist and THEN my Moffitt doctor determined, three months could have made a big difference!

Something that also happened at our last appointment that I did not mention in my previous updates is that my Moffitt doctor made the statement when we were arguing about the repeat PET scan that it "wouldn't change your prognosis". That's when the ball dropped.

If you recall, a similar negative experience is what led us away from Shands to Moffitt to begin with. I put confidence in the doctor at Moffitt at the time because he is a supposed neuroendocrine expert, but we felt as though he was standing blindfolded aiming at a dart board hoping to hit the bullseye. His "won't change your prognosis" line was really the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll tell you why.

When a doctor, any doctor, makes statements like this, and gives the tone or speech of "no hope", they cannot be giving 110% to fight for me. No matter what the statistics say, miracles happen every day, and it is no doctor's place to put a label on anyone that says "you have x amount of time to live". Life and death are in God's hands. When a doctor plays God, he or she is basically just half-heartedly throwing one treatment or another at me, but he is not really standing behind me to fight with me all the way no matter what it takes. He has tried to steal my hope. I will not tolerate that attitude and I won't! I didn't tolerate it from Shands and will not from Moffitt either, now matter what their reputation.

Both of my oncologists here in town have given me the best of care. They have fought side by side with me through this all and have earned my trust because of their diligence and their commitment to never give up no matter what. So we asked ourselves, "Why are we driving hundreds of miles every few weeks and spending thousands of dollars [to this point] on hotel rooms and things in Tampa when we're getting nowhere there." Every appointment has been one disappointment after another.

When we told my radiation oncologist today about what happened at Moffitt, the "prognosis" statement that was made, and the implication that a well-respected radiation oncologist like him didn't know how to read a PET scan infuriated him, and he had a few choice words to say that I can't repeat. :)

My radiation oncologist is the head of radiology for St. Vincent's. His office is also closely affiliated with my general oncologist's office and they have a great rapport between them. I am trusting them with my life, and I know they are fighting for me from more stories than I can tell here.

So after a LOT of deliberation, prayer, soul-searching, and consultation with my radiation oncologist, we have made the decision to pull away from Moffitt and to move the center of my care to North Florida Hematology and Oncology under my general oncologist as my primary onconogist working with my radiation oncologist for any further radiation and scans that may need to be done. Everything will be local with doctors that I have earned great respect for.

I know this may shock some. This is a sensitive decision that we DO NOT take lightly. We have wrestled with this for some time. We know what I am facing, we have no disillusions, but I have faith in God for healing and that he will use this team of cancer "bulldogs" who will tenaciously fight on my side with me and never give up just as I don't intend to give up.

I believe we have made the right decision. I'm sure many may disagree, but please respect that we are doing what we feel it is best, and Cindy and I are both in agreement with one another that we are doing the right thing, and have confirmation in our spirits that this is the right course.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. Thank you also for those who have sent so many encouraging cards and letters and have helped us in so many ways. God bless you all

We continue to press ahead towards VICTORY!

Chemo started this week for Gary. I don't think any of us really knew what to expect. So far he has just been tired no other real side affects. Daddy spent about 25 hours at the doctor this week. We brought the kids with us on Friday (bottom pic) just so they could meet the nurses and so they can see where daddy is spending s much time. I think that really helped them and they were so excited that they were given a soda they thought any doctor that gives out soda cant be so bad :)Now Gary has 21 days off till his next round of chemo and it will start sept 14th and on that day he has an outpatient procedure to put a power port right under his skin so he will not have to get stuck 8 times like he did this week. My sweet man has been thru so much I think he must have had a gallon of chemo put into him this week. Now we just have to pray that all that chemo does its job and kills all that cancer. Please keep praying for his healing and Gods provision during all this and every round of chemo God has been so good to us I know he will walk us thru this coming season., ON TO VICTORY

Lord thank you for walking with us during this year of trial you have been the fourth man in the fire with us and we are so grateful. We now beg you Lord to let this chemo be the instrument of your healing in him and Lord we continue to ask you for your provision as for the funding needed to keep up this new therapy thank you Lord

Gary update 8/24/10 - Chemo day 1 and schedule

Ok, after 2 days going through the class and my first day of chemo (today), I think I finally understand enough of how this process will work to explain the schedule coherently.

Every three weeks (this week being the first week), I will have 3 days of chemo and one day of a just a single shot. This will be Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays for the chemo and Fridays for the shot. Each day’s length will vary because of what is involved. All appointments will be in the afternoon (usually 1 p.m.)

Day 1 (Tuesday) – I will meet with the doctor, have lab work done, receive some anti-nausea medicine, and receive two different forms of chemo on day 1, one called Carboplatin and one called VP-16. Carboplatin takes an hour to infuse and VP-16 30-45 minutes, so between all that, seeing the doctor, etc., this will be by far the longest day.

Day 2 (Wednesday) – I will just have VP-16 this day. Also, to kill two birds with one stone, the doctor has arranged to do my Zometa the same day (it was every 4 weeks for Zometa, now it will be 3). So the time will be lessened in that I won't have the Carboplatin, but lengthened in that the Zometa will be added.

Day 3 (Thursday) – Just VP-16 this day. Short day!

Day 4 (Friday) – I will receive a simple injection of a drug called Neulasta which increases white blood cell production. Typically with chemo, the blood counts are lowered. If the white cells are reduced, this reduces immunity. This drug jump starts the body to produce more white blood cells than normal to reduce the impact on my immune system.

Even on non-chemo weeks, I must still report in one day each week (currently every Tuesday) to have blood drawn and my blood counts checked. I must wait for the labs to come back as a significant drop in blood cell count can be very serious and they can’t wait three weeks between to check it.

The chemo drugs have numerous side effects, so I have to keep a close eye on my temperature and some other factors and call the doctor immediately. I may have to go in unexpectedly if side effects arise.

The only other issue is that it has been recommended that I have a port installed. This is a tube that is run into a main blood vessel of the hurt. The port itself is under the skin, so nothing is exposed, but it allows them to hook my up without have to run an IV each time. We had a lot of trouble today getting the IV in and they’re concerned the my arm veins are collapsing with having had so many IVs so far. I’m still weighing this decision. Evidently it is a simple twilight sedation procedure that only takes about half an hour to implant.Everything is under the skin, so I can shower with it, swim with it, etc. and have no problems (almost sounds like a plug for a Hair Club for Men commercial).

I know this is a lot of information. I can hardly figure it out. Needless to say this is going to be time intensive and I’m not looking forward to it or any side effects.

I'm not looking forward to all the time and hassle involved, I’m hoping and praying that the chemo will be a success so it will be worth it. Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and encouragement.

Follow up to 8/19/10 status - chemo

I guess they want to get going faster than I expected!

I got a call yesterday afternoon that my first chemo appointment is this Monday (8/23). Apparently I have to go through a "chemo class" that will take a few hours, then meet with the doctor, and have some lab work done. They said day 1 to expect to be there all day! If there is enough time after all this, I will get my first round of chemo on Monday, otherwise, it will be Tuesday.

Gary update 8/19/10 - Bad news

I  got a call from the doctor in Tampa today with the results of my latest PET scan and things don't look good from a medical standpoint.

The doctor says that not only did my liver light up on the scan as before, but that it shows that the tumors in the liver have grown even since the last PET scan. Therefore, the doctor feels that, under the circumstances with what he is seeing, he believes that the original diagnosis is incorrect and that I in fact have the aggressive form of neuroendocrine cancer instead of the slow-growing form.

Camp Kessem

The link above is a slide show of the camp that the girls just went to. I am blown away by the love and care that these UF students put into this camp. Annie said they listened to me and loved me it changed my life the other two echoing that sentiment. This slide show made me cry for two reasons one that so many children are having to go thru the pain of a parent with cancer and two that a bunch of college students would care enough to do this for strangers kids it is amazing. Merry still talks about slow dancing with a male counselor she said my first slow dance was with a dreamy older guy :) So So cool thank you Camp Kessem !!!!!

Camp Kessem and Forward

Last week the girls got to spend a whole week at a special camp for kids who have a parent who has or has died from cancer. From the moment they got there they were showered with attention counselors were their friends and all the counselors attention was on them they ate that up as those of you who know my social butterflies can imagine. Merry went to set up her bed and when she got back all the counselor could do was shake her head while Merry talked because she was talking so fast the counselor couldn't get a word in edge wise. I laughed and told the director I think she is settling in fine. Annie came home and told me that the counselors just listened to her and it changed her life, Cassie was thrilled she found and energetic girl to be her friend and they had fun "exploring" together, God love their counselors lol. I am so thrilled that they got that time to be away from daddy's sickness and just be fun energetic loud kids again. I actually found myself jealous of them a little while they were gone because the battle continued to rage on and Gary had quit a few bad days and sick days but we did have some very special alone time and we watched lots of faith filled movies and just enjoyed each other. We also wen out every night and got a coke Icee.
I can only imagine how hard this battle is on Gary he is such a trooper but he is feeling really bad and even the doctor commented his condition has substantially deteriorated ( not something you want the doctor to say ). It is so hard to see him go thru this battle I love him so much if I could donate a kidney or give blood or anything to make him better I would in a heart beat but I cant and it feels so helpless. The kids are having a rough time of it too they don't know what to do or how to be. They are angry and sad but they aren't sure who at so it has been coming out on me and their sisters. This morning they found out that we have to go back to Tampa this week for the second time in two weeks and they all got sad and so upset that we were leaving them again. I try to tell them it is not my choice but all they know is we are leaving them again!! The older two roll with the punches in that area pretty well but Merry my youngest she has so much anger over the cancer thing in her that she just does not know what to do and she ends up lashing out at everyone around her. It is getting so hard for our little family we feel like we are at mile 19 of a marathon so exhausted from what we have all ready done and we have SO much farther to go and we just don't know if we can do it. Will we all see the finish line or will I carry thru with my threat to drive off the buckman bridge with all of them in the car (dont judge me :) you know when you have had all your kids fighting after an all ready long day you have threatened such things ). Life is really hard right now for this family please pray for these sweet girls they so need grace and peace all they can see is no matter how hard they pray their daddy is slowly slipping away from them and they just dont know what to do. We all need a strength boost so we can stand firm in faith with Gary for healing and not dwell on what we see. Thank you for your continued support of this family we are so grateful for the love and care that we have recieved we are eternally grateful.