Kutless "Everything I Need" (Official Music Video)

Tonight we got word that the friend who was in her own cancer marathon finished that marathon in Jesus arms tonight and is now whole and cancer free in heaven. She was a young woman around the same age as Gary and had 3 year old twins that will miss having this amazing woman there to guide them into adulthood. WHY why is the God who is a healing God allowing this beautiful woman to be taken, why does he allow my husbands life to be threatened, why does He allow babies that have been prayed for from the time of conception almost to die shortly after birth, why is my 10 year old having behavioral issues because she constantly worried that one day she is going to wake up and Daddy will be gone, why are my girls having to make plans to go to a daddy daughter dance with their grandpa and uncles WHY? I wish I had this magic bullet answer to that question but I am really struggling with it tonight. I have prayed and prayed what God has show me is life is like the back of a cross stitch piece all knotted and nasty and sometimes darn right ugly but only the master craftsman knows what the front looks like and it is a beautiful picture. I look forward to the day when I can look back from heaven and say ohhhh that's what you were doing God. Until that day I have to be like a child and trust that my Daddy will keep us all firm in his hands and provide for that sweet man who is grieving the love of his life and the children who are too young to really understand what all this means and trust that as we walk through the shadow of the valley of death we will fear no evil and know that HIS rod and staff will comfort us.

God help that precious family shower them with your love and your peace

NEED PRAYER

We need everyone to be in prayer God can move mountains but can He move insurance companies, I think he can. We just found out that the last ditch effort chemo drug that they want Gary to try will not be covered by the insurance and if we bought it it would be THOUSANDS of dollars. We do not have enough money right now to go to Chilli's for dinner much less pay thousands for this med and we need Gods intervention and favor with the drug company and doctors office to work this out some how. I want to say we tried it ALL and I don't want some stupid insurance company to stand in the way. Thank you for your continued prayer and support as we travel this difficult road.

The drug is Affinitor if anyone wants to know.

The following is a beautiful verbalization of how we are all feeling. Yesterday we found out the good news that his brain is clear of cancer but found out that his liver is failing again the chemo is not working anymore. We are going to try another chemo but even the doc said our options are running out.









I will not deny God is God, but right now life stinks and I want to just screeeeeeeeeam!!!!!!!



We raised a fine son who has worked hard and made a good life for he & his family. He has been a faithful servant. He has four ladies in his life who need him and he them. We all need him. And this, this cancer, it is his reward??? Humbug! I know there're a lot of folks worse off in this world, but this can never be explained to me this side of Heaven and to my complete understanding. The thought that our son is fighting for his life is smothering us all. God, he is your son too. I know people of all ages die, but it is not the natural order of life for a parent to outlive their children. I can't even imangine what Gary is going through right now. I know what we are going through and again, it stinks. I would throw myself in front of a train if I thought it would do any good. We all feel helpless.



I pray again and again that You will see your way clear to reach down and heal this cancer. Walk with him and with all who know and love him. This is hard for me to say right now, but it is still Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven and I will do my best to understand whatever the outcome. In Jesus' name. Amen



We are so thankful for everyone's continued thoughts, well wishes and prayers.

Valentines Day Ba hum bug

This year Valentines is really hard. The love of my life is in the battle for his life and there is not much left from the battle for doing the things we used to do. It makes me so sad to think of the walks down the beach we used to take when now walking across the room is a struggle for him. My normally pleasantly plump husband is nearly 100 pounds lighter than he was just 6 months ago. What I would give to wake up and the last 18 months to have been a dream. I want my old husband back so bad I can hardly stand seeing him suffer the way he is. My poor baby is fighting so hard against this cancer and I am so proud of him. The blows just keep coming tho, this week he may be forced to finally go on disability which will mean half our salary gone and medical coverage gone. He is also getting an MRI to check and see if the cancer has spread to his brain :( We are all so tired the kids are about on the edge of nervous breakdowns after my 40 days of medical crap and Gary just wants it to be over and this cancer GONE and I am just numb and I am okay with that cause if I am numb at least I wont cry and I am tired of crying. Please keep this family in your prayers we are all just about at the end of our ropes and need God to refill and refresh us. Also please remember a friend of ours whose wife is in the battle for life as well they need strength and peace as well. Happy Valentines and take the time to Thank God for your love if they are healthy and with you. I know our spouses can get on our nerves and be difficult but the alternative is not having them so cherish every second you have with your love ones we never know when those moments will be threatened or taken away.

Another "fun" week at the Schrivers NOT

*SIGH* Gary went to the doctor this week for his regular blood draw and we were hoping it would all be fine and he could start the chemo again but nope :( His blood was actually really good all his levels were back up to where they needed to be and he casually asked about the nausea he was experiencing he said even the drugs would not fix it. Then the doctor said well lets do an MRI and and see if something is pressing on that part of your brain. Okay he never actually said mats to the brain but what else could be pressing on anything. He has to wait on the chemo yet again till we get the results from the MRI oh and did I tell you that all this was happening while I was having an in office operation on my foot. You know you just have to laugh it is so absolutely NUTS what goes on around here it is only Feb 10th and I have had one major and one minor surgery and Gary has had one round of chemo and praise God NO hospital stays. Please not only keep us in your prayers please keep our children in your prayers they have gotten used to Daddy sick but now that Mommy seems to be falling apart on them they are starting to loose it especially my youngest I am her anchor her stability in a very unstable life anymore and now that I have had such issues she is really coming unhinged. This whole family is just exhausted this journey has been so long we are praying that God will very soon heal Gary and we can go back to the life we had cause we are tired of this one :(

Two week Chemo Break

Gary is almost done with the two week hiatus he had to take from chemo. His blood counts were starting to go down and he has had 16 or so blood transfusions so they are trying to keep him from having to get anymore blood. Did you know that the more blood you get the more antibodies you make and the harder it is to find a blood match. I didn't know that. I am thankful that they are taking their time with the chemo because it has taken me longer than I had thought to recover from my gall bladder surgery so it has been difficult to get Gary where he needs to be. Monday he goes back to the doctor an hopefully they will give him the okay to start the chemo again. I am still amazed at how the chemo has helped. I thank God when I see him because I honestly thought that I would be burying him at this point in the year but instead we are hopeful and optimistic that he is getting better and can beat this thing.
The other day I was looking through a craft store and thought oh we can do this on the 4Th of July and this on Christmas and I just had to smile because at Christmas a couple of months ago I was fervently praying that Gary would not die around Christmas so it wouldn't ruin the day for the kids forever. I don't want you to misunderstand Gary is still not out of the woods he has a LONG road to beating this cancer but Praise be to the God He has restored our hope that he will be healed and someday this cancer will be an unpleasant memory.

Below is my facebook status from last Monday

ITS WORKING IT'S WORKING THE CHEMOTHERAPY IS WORKING so they are doing another round starting tomorrow. This week I will be recovering from surgery and him on chemo we will be quit a pair lol


I am so excited to say that there has been improvement in his liver function and it appears that the chemo is working :) so they decided to up his dosage and do another round. I am so thrilled I see him getting less jaundice everyday. I am incredibly optimistic that this is a God inspired course of treatment and will be an avenue for God to work his miracle. This week is slow going for us all not only has he started chemo again I had gall bladder surgery on Tuesday so as parents we are pretty useless this week so I am thanking God for my mom and sister who have picked up the slack with the kids and my in laws who helped shuttle us to and from the hospital. I am so thankful for such and amazing support system between family and my amazing church we are one blessed family.

**please forgive me if this does not make any sense I am typing this with oxycodone and fenergan coursing thru my system lol) **

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

This passage from 1 Corinthians 13 (the message) says it all.Next week we go and find out if the chemo has done any good and then on Tuesday I have my gall bladder removed. So please keep this little family in your prayers.
As a couple we have been through so much but we have also have a deeper love than we both ever thought possible. The first picture above was taken 14 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child the second was taken at Christmas time this past year. In 14 years we have gotten a little (OK a alot) rounder and much grayer but I am thankful for the many trials that we have faced as a couple this cancer journey has defiantly been the hardest but if it wasn't for all that we have been through the inner strength we share would not be there. Gary Robert Schriver I love you more today than I ever dreamed possible you have made my heart almost burst from being so full of love for you. You have sewn into my life helped me grow in confidence helped me achieve dreams and helped me to learn how to love. I am so privileged to be your marathon buddy I love you !!

Chemo is DONE

I am happy to say that chemo is all done. I wish I could say that two days off chemo that he is feeling tons better but I cant. He has continued to be pretty much sleeping 17 hours a day. He is very weak he has to take a break when he just walks to the bathroom :( It is so hard to see our daddy feeling so bad. I have been coming into his room a couple of times a day and I aggravate him a little get him moving around and drink. He tells me I am nurse Helga I smile and say YUP :). Last night he slipped and fell in the bathroom scared the bejebbers out of me I helped him up and Praise God he was okay. He went to the doctor on Monday and I just thank the Lord that he kept his blood levels up. I was begging God so much for him to make his levels good so we would not have to spend the first week in the hospital and thank you God that's what happened. I am not sure what the next week few weeks are going to bring us I am just praying that he feels better. He has had more times this week of just wanting to give up than I want to think about. My poor guy needs strength to fight this nasty didoes. Thank you all for teaming with us in prayer I know we will see our prayers answered this year Yeah 2011 ( that is a faith statement :)

2011

2011 is just a few days away and I have to admit I am not really looking forward to it. This next year holds either rejoicing in the miracles of Health or figuring out how I am going to piece together my shattered heart. It will also be the beginning of me reinventing myself going from a stay at home mom for 14 years to a college student. This next year will be a year of extremes there will be no status qou. Gary is now on the last ditch chemo drug and we will start the new year off with him on the really nasty drug that will make him very ill. This is the first time I am almost sick going into the new year but I guess it will be like the clip above from Indiana Jones where he had to take a deep breath and take a leap of faith to see what is on the other side. Know that our family is praying you all have a very happy and healthy new year and thank you for traveling with us thru 2010. I am so happy this year is almost history :)

The 11th hour

This week we got to a point in our Cancer Journey that I knew we might get to but I was praying for a miracle to happen way before we were any where close to it. At what we thought was a routine apt this week the Doctor told him that he could tell by the blood tests that the chemo was NOT working and that his liver is failing pretty rapidly. He told us at that point that there was not much else they could do but he researched and found an oral chemo to try and Gary starts that tomorrow. The realization that if this doesn't work and God does not work a miracle that I could be burying the Love of my life sooner than I imagined. This end point was always in the back of our minds but it was ethrial now it is terribly real if this doesn't work and God doesn't bring healing this is the LAST Christmas I will have with him
:( and at the rate his liver is failing I don't even think he would see February. My heart is breaking into a million more pieces then it was all ready and I am sorta ticked at God I prayed for MONTHS to have a peaceful Christmas these girls of mine need a really good Christmas and now chemo is starting and this desperate need for it to work is just sucking the joy out of Christmas. Please pray for this family for our faith to rise and storm the gates of Hell and snatch our daddy back from deaths hold. Pray for our sweet girls they do not know the severity of things yet I want them to have a Christmas free of worry. Pray that 2011 will hold blessings of health and peace for this family and not the images that seem to flood our imaginations of funerals and a lonely life without him. I am in torment I so desperately want to bring Joy to my girls for Christmas and I cant seem to muster enough joy of my own to barely crack a smile. Thank you all for walking with us thru all this cancer mess and thank you for standing with us now.

Blah and Blessings

The two pictures above sum up our last week. Gary had 5 days of Chemo last week which he did fine through at the time but starting Friday he began having excruciating pain all over. That pain got so bad it has even made him throw up a couple of times. We went back to the doctor on Monday and they checked him out and they did some blood work and they think that it is a virus that he picked up (some mean virus). The kids have been VERY worried about him, he spent all last weekend in bed and the pain has made him grumpy to say the least. It is almost funny how fast those imaginations run with him being in such pain our immediate thought isn't oh he has a virus no our immediate thought is OH GOD the cancer has spread. With the pain in the back of his neck and his moodiness we have tearfully worried that it went to his brain. I pray that the doctor is right and it is just a virus. Viruses run their course and leave this cancer is a much harder guest to kick out. He gets his next PET scan next Thursday so the virus or cancer spreading question will be answered then :(.
On an amazing note we have been super blessed by a whole bunch of people who got together and gave us money to buy Christmas gifts for our family. We really did not know how we were going to do the smallest things for the girls this year and thought Christmas would be yet another disappointing thing for them this year but not now :-) I cant tell you what they are getting yet because they read the blog sometimes but I will tell you what I told them the number of boxes under the tree is not going to be great but what is in them rocks :) I was able to get them the desires of there heart and it is all in big boxes in my room and it is driving them CRAZY ( a little fun for mommy). We had money set aside for gifts for each other and that money combined with some of the anonymous group funds I was able to get the desires of my heart for Christmas too I am so excited this thing will make killing time in doctors offices much easier and its really really cool tehe, Gary teases that once I get this particular thing he wont ever see me again lol. We were also able to get big man an awesome gift that he really wanted my sister got him an ereader which was one thing that he really wanted he has been downloading Star Trek books and reading them in bed when he hasn't been able to get up. I got him a DSi with a mario game for Christmas. He knows what I got him but he cant play it till Christmas. Thanks to the kindness of friends what we would be the meagerest of Christmases has turned into something we are all looking so forward to. It is such a blessing in the midst of this medical mellow drama to have something that brings the family some excitement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all the people who gave to help make Christmas extra special this year. You have given us the gift of joyful anticipation and that is a priceless gift may God bless you back ten fold for all that you gave to us.

Be Magnified Lyrics

Really listen to the words in this song. I have sung this song for a lot of years at church but tooday it really hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat and worried about Gary and him starting back to chemo this week. The line about leaning on the wisdom of man and the line about believing a lie that He can not help me. Remember this song the next time a doctor says that there is no help or that you MIGHT see two Christmases with your kids.

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I wanted to share with you what I am thankful for....

I am thankful for....

A man that showed me what it was like to be a friend and a lover. Someone who instilled in me self-confidence and helped me realized I deserved love.

I am thankful to my three little girls who are turning into beautiful young ladies who I love to see reach out to others with an innocent excitement. Three little girls that take a simple trip to the grocery store and turn it into an opportunity to brighten busy shoppers' days by making sure no one left without a "Happy Thanksgiving" wish.

I am thankful for family who take the time to help where needed who are there when things get rough. I am thankful for once strained family relationships that have been mended by the immensity of the trials we are in making petty differences seem small.

For a church that I have walked through my ENTIRE adult life with. A church that at whatever cost shows us love and has always been there to help us through bad times and rejoiced with us through good times.

For realizing that I have people who love and care for me -- people who are my friends.

For people who were at one time just casual "kind ladies" to me that sat in front of me at church who have now been there in so many ways to help see me through this difficult year.

For all the people who, while Gary and I have been in the battle for his life, have sent cards and love, a restaurant gift card, or a check that always come just when we need it the most.

For people who listen to the leading of the Lord and have provided for us when things have broken (and things have broken a lot this year) and have in turn made God even more real to my kids and helped them develop a true understanding of how great God is and His provision is always there for us and it comes from areas we least expect.

That in the darkest, most fearful, and most stressful time in my life, God has been more real to me than I could have ever fathomed. I am thankful for every day with my family and friends and that when our time on this earth is done, I will have them in heaven and the fun will really start.

I am also thankful to the people who take the time to read my ramblings and purpose to pray for this family. We could have not made it this year without you!

Hope you all have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!

Well it has been quit a week for the Schriver family. Monday Gary went in for his weekly blood work and his hemoglobin was at an all time low well into the dangerous level. So they took him straight into the hospital. We thought okay we will be here over night and get out in the morning but that is not what happened his hemoglobin just never came up enough he ended up having to get 4 units of blood a ton of IV bag fluids and 2 units of blood plasma. We were going to take the kids to the hospital today and eat lunch with daddy and let the kids visit but I got a call at 815 this morning and it was Gary and he said that the doc gave him the green light to come home he is not out of the woods by any stretch but he is doing so much better today she said you can get better rest at home and they will follow up with him on Monday and do any more tests from the office. It is a little frustrating not knowing why his levels are doing what they are doing but we try really hard to live life one day at a time and today is a good day and I am going to rejoice :) Last night I came home to be with the girls and give my mom some rest and ten min after I came in I found out that the guest toilet was broken and ten min after that the other bathroom clogged. I will be honest I just about lost it the stress of big man in the hospital and the kids having tough times and everything else adding no working toilets to the house just about sent me over the edge but thanks to friends who made me laugh and my brother and sister in law who came and helped Field the kids and plumber the evening ended with two working toilets and me with my sanity in tact. They will never realize that just coming in and infusing peace into the situation was such amazing help. I am so grateful for both our families you know as years go by you argue and fuss about this or that but since Gary has been sick both our families have circled around us to help us get thru and I am so grateful to all of them. My sister is coming down this evening to help us "Christmas up" the house to help make this Christmas extra special for the girls and make things extra special she is also planning on cooking some stuff for us and if you knew my sister you would know that her cooking is a super huge blessing :) Happy Thanksgiving week to all my friends and family thank you for helping this tired stressed woman survive and thrive I am Thankful for each and every one of you.

Cancer poem

A Facebook friend shared this poem with me and I found it so encouraging and inspirational:

What cancer cannot do
(author unknown)

Cancer cannot
Cripple love, it actually
Makes it overflow

Cancer cannot
Shatter hope, it actually
Clarifies what hope
Is for

Cancer cannot
Corrode faith, it actually
Strengthens
Faith's conviction

Cancer cannot
Conquer the spirit,
Because courage faces
Cancer’s afflictions

Our Monday Morning

We spent this Monday afternoon in the doctors office yet again :(. Gary has been sick all weekend and he was seriously dehydrated and had to go get two shots and a bag of fluids. I pray that this will help him feel well enough to get out of bed he hasn't done that all weekend. Gary is getting really anxious and scared he just cant seem to feel good and he is so worried that this chemo isn't working either and he is also worried that it is and will have to feel this sick for months to come and I dont think his body can handle it. We are in desperate straights for a miracle and soon. Gary has began to pray heal me or take me just do it soon please Lord. As we go into this holiday season please pray that we can forget cancer for a month and concentrate on making miracles with our sweet girls. My girls need this time of magic in their life.
We got big time blessed this week by an anonymous money order in the mail that will help us to get thru December when I really worried we wouldn't. Thank you for continuing to lift this family up in your prayers.I can safely say we cannot make it with out our dear friends and the love they share.

The Drama just keeps on coming

Gary is just now finishing his 4th blood transfusion in the last 3 months. The hospital was undergoing an audit today and they brought them to our room because we have been here 5 times in the last 3 months and surely if there were any defeciencies we would find them lol. I am happy to say that my only complaint against St Vincents is the poor and spotty wi fi and lo and behold the head of the hospital came by and said they were in the planning phase of upgrading the wi fi. Hmm they listen cool :) I told the auditor I can go to McDonalds and be fine but I have to stand on one foot with tin foil to get wifi in some places here :)

The transfusion helped put some color back into big mans face hopefully he will feel better too. He starts back to chemo tomorow and then friday. The kids arent huge fans of this new chemo schedule we were at the hospital probably 20 hours last week and know this week we will surpass the 20 hours. They are okay with daddy being gone they know that he needs this care but they arent real keen about mommy being gone. Mommy is always around I am a costant in their life and lately I havent been able to be very constant. Please pray peace on them this is so hard for grown ups to deal with I cant even imagine being 10 or 12 dealing with this. This last week Merry asked Gary point blank what will happen if this chemo dosent work?? Gary answered her honestly "then the doctors will get worried" she has not been the same since that talk she is a smart girl she knows what that means :(

I do have to tell you of something really really cool this morning. We had gone home with the low fuel light on and the little light that says how long you can drive before empty said 7 miles. As I turned onto the main road I noticed a bunch of traffic and just prayed please God let us get to the gas station and like a minute latter the low fuel light came on and the miles light jumped from 7 to 25 and even though we were in 30 min of stop and go traffic we made it to the gas station with gas to spare. Such an awsome reminder to us that God provided for ALL our needs. I know I should have that lessoon DOWN by know but after updating our checkbook last night I was getting anxious again that we might not get thru the month and then God goes and does this and gently reminds me HE has our back. Thank you Daddy :)

Blessings on all of you this week and thank you for standing with us in prayer and thank you to the people who gathered on saterday to pray for Gary and a friend who both got devesdtating news last week. I can honestly say we could not make it with out all the prayers and love/ THANK YOU

This is my cake for our churchs harvest festival. I had great intentions of this grandios cake but with being at the hospital everyday with Gary last week and the bad news we got I did not have the energy or gumption to do the cake I wanted. I did this cake and I dedicate it to my sweet husband. HOPE it is a hard thing to keep right now with the news of the chemo not working and his liver failing all of us really just want to sit in the corner and cry but with Gods strength we will keep doing what the cake says :)