This week we took another step in the healing process. I think the numbness of the initial loss is starting to ware off.I think for the first 8 weeks since Gary died we were all just in a haze. This didn't really just happen right? Daddy is still sleeping in his room and will yell for an apple juice soon right? Last week we got all of Gary's stuff out of Annie's room and with the help of our Uncles and Grandpa we got Annie's new bed and dresser in the room and it now looks completely different. Other than a few spots of Spackle filling the holes from the zillion cards on his wall you cant tell that Daddy was ever in that room. That is huge it helps a lot not to see his stuff everywhere. Our kitty still goes into the room and sleeps on the same spot that he did when Gary was there.
Another step on the healing process we took all the cards from Gary's wall and put it into a special bowl so we can look at them anytime and see how much people loved Daddy. We also got a zebra print box (zebra print was his cancer ribbon) and put a lot of the little nick knack things that remind us of Gary, like his cell phone the contents of the backpack he always carried and his glasses and some other things that are all Daddy. I had to create my own not joint checking acct and get my own credit card. Everything like our marriage was joint and I guess like our marriage they all had to come to an end. Possibly the biggest leap into healing was done by my 11 year old. She had HUGE issues with her birthday being without Daddy but then decided that she wanted to go to the Father daughter dance at our church and asked he Grandfather to be her stand in Daddy, and he agreed. I was so worried about her the other two were like no way we are so not ready to be in a room with a bunch of Daddy's loving their daughters when our daddy isn't their. Merry came to the conclusion that Daddy was watching out after her from heaven and he would want her to live and go have fun. They went and had the time of their life. Merry came back on cloud 9 so happy to have spent that quality time with her Granddaddy and I was on cloud 9 seeing how happy she was. I was also very proud of her it is easy to sit and wallow in a grief hole, it is so much more difficult to acknowledge loss but also acknowledge that life does indeed go on and the last thing in the world that the person that was lost would have wanted would be for us to sit in that grief hole. I know that Christmas and Thanksgiving is coming and all the steps forward we take are likely to be steps backward into grief then but for right now we are coming to grips with being a family of four and I am slowly getting used to calling myself a widow and single mom and its ok. Its ok because of the man I lost he spent 16 years preparing me to be strong enough to live this new life out. I can also see in retrospect that Gary was preparing me to be independant of him for the last year. I was so amazingly blessed to have him in my life he was so selfless knowing that he was dying his only thought was making sure that we were ready to face life without him. I stand today with no debts except my house and able to concentrate on nothing but my girls and my healing and that is because Gary was the kind of man that he was. I know we still have a LONG road ahead of us and we will never be the same but for the first time in 3 months not being the same is ok. Gary didn't spend the last year of his life preparing me to sit in my room and cry, he prepared me to LIVE and I know he is in heaven and is our biggest cheerleader even from heaven. He is saying lets go God has plans for you all don't miss them. I will miss that sweet man every day of the rest of my life and I will be eternally grateful for his influence. The girls and I we are so much better because of him .

What a special week :}

It is funny how events can be both joyous and sad all at the same time. This week was one of those moments when my middle daughter turned 13 and became an official teenager (prayers accepted) :). I always wondered if she would survive her childhood she was always such a live wire,always climbing some wall or dresser.She always kept us hopping, she is the only kid that I had to actually LOCK her in her room at night for her own safety when she was as young as 11 months. She was our child that drove us to our knees the most but I am so proud of the young lady she has become. She has had to grow up so much with Daddy going through so much and now him not being here, they all have. She has declined a birthday party this year because of not having daddy here to celebrate but we tried to make it special and I think the most special was opening the first birthday card that daddy left for her. I wrote out the cards as Gary dictated them but I forgot how amazing and thought out these cards were. He really thought what would he tell them if he was here with them and what did they need to know from their dad at each age. Cassie and I were both in tears as she read the card and now it is proudly pinned on her wall for safe keeping. Merry whose birthday is Monday got to open hers too and it was so appropriate to her right now, he told her that he wishes so much that he could be here to celebrate with her but not to be sad he is looking down on her from heaven and will always be in her heart. ( break for tears). How hard this must have that been for him knowing that he wasn't going to be there to watch the three girls that he invested so much love and energy into grow into womanhood and he knew that these teenage years and young adult years they NEED their dad so much and how could he make sure they heard his heart every year. He succeeded in such amazing ways those cards are now our most prized possessions.
We also went to the movies this week and saw Courageous. I was warned that this was an incredibly sad movie on its own not to mention the fact that it was all about Dads and now my girls don't have one (well on earth) but I had promised my middle one so I had to keep my promise. I will admit to you that the Daddy thing made me cry like a baby I wished Gary would have been there knowing that he would be rallying the men at our church and he would have loved the promise that they made in the movie. There was one scene in particular that I went from sobbing to just about fall on the floor crying. The main characters were in the little girls bedroom (I wont tell you why cause if you don't know why they were there GO SEE THE MOVIE it is worth the time) and on the wall was a plaque it said something like I know I am a princess because my prince charming has all ready come and his name is daddy. That probably isn't the exact wording but it was hard to really focus through the gallon per second tear flow. Other than that scene the movie actually was an encouragement to me. The main family had to deal with a tragic loss and they followed them through the same process that I am going through the initial shock and then the just wanting to curl up and cry all the time to the amazement that a day can actually be good again to the beginning of counseling. When the main character went for counseling with his pastor the pastor said something that was like an YES moment for me. He said that he has heard people talk about grief as like someone who looses an arm or a leg they DO get better but they are NEVER the same. That really struck me we will never be the same after the last two years and there is a new normal that we are still trying to figure out but we will get better, we will survive and we will have a time where there are more good days than bad and there will be a time when the thought of Christmas without him wont make me want to die myself. That so encouraged me we will get better. They showed them in the movie getting better but still totally better too quick. The coolest part of the movie was actually the end credits when the lights in the Theatre came up an the girls looked at me and said it was OK that daddy wasn't here to watch this movie because he didn't need this movie he was this movie. There came the tears again what an amazing testimony of an amazing man he was courageous in fatherhood in his role as a husband and his battle to stay on earth with us. He will always be my love and my hero for how hard he fought.
Monday we celebrate my youngest birthday and then before we know it we will be smack into Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am not sure how we are going to handle those holidays without Gary I sorta wish I could go to sleep and wake up in January but I know that I cant I just pray that God will help us get through and help us to create new traditions one that we do as a family of 4 not 5 we need to make some memories that will be good not sad we have had too many sad. I welcome your ideas.:) So I guess the theme of the week is life goes on and it will never be the same but neither will we be the same. Stay tuned to see how it all turns out it should be interesting :) I cant wait to find out myself. Thank you for your continued prayer and support I have said it before and I will say it again we could not do it with out each one of you. I think I am just know truly realizing the magnitude of what we have all been through and we have come though with at least some of our sanity because of your love and support and your prayers so please keep them coming.

Oh and if you havent see COrgous yet GO SEE IT seriously it is a super good movie you will love it. :)