Figuring out the HOWS of this new life

It has been nearly three and a half months since Gary passed away from us. Sometimes it seems like it was a million years ago and sometimes it seems like the hurt is fresher today than it was on Aug 2nd when he died. The day by day of life is no problem Gary left us able to not worry for a bit about finances that is a unique feeling not to have to fret and worry over every cent. I think of it as his last great gift to us. It is the daily functioning with the kids that can be so much more than I can bear. I think that the kids are adjusting well then I hear one of them say "you know it would be better to DIE and be with Daddy". They worry me so much they tell me they don't need therapy but after Christmas they are going whether they want to or not. I constantly worry about being enough for them, are they happy? Do they wish I had died and Gary would have lived? I will be honest he would have been a more organized parent than me. This is the most formative time in their life will not having a daddy affect them horribly or will it make them stronger? I hate not having a partner in parenting we were a perfect pair when one was in a bad mood the other wasn't and when one was too strict or too lenient the other would help balance them out. Now it is just ME and not ME at my best it is the me that breaks down into sobs at a moments notice it is the me who would rather some days stay in her bed then face another day wihtout the man I love. How is that person going to help three teenage girls navigate their crazy teen years?? I now have to be mom AND dad and I am going to start back to school next year because eventually I have to get a career so that I can make sure the girls have all that they need and one day support myself. On top of that Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming up how do I mourn not having Gary with me and make the holidays a special but different time for the girls. Gary was such an amazing Dad he was a part of everything from Thanksgiving to reading the Christmas story at Christmas. Oh and new years :( for the first time in two decades I wont get a kiss on new years the girls might kiss me but you know what kind of kiss I mean. Every year we kissed and then prayed in the new year now I am not sure what to do. I don't mean to ramble on and on but that is just a taste of the swirl of emotions that are gong through my head. The girls and I are also getting ready to head away for Thanksgiving I am left to pack and drive six hours and navigate three hotels with three girls and I am so nervous. How in blue blazes am I ever going to do this?? At least maybe it will keep my mind off of not having Gary there. SIGH please continue to pray for us as we continue to work on forming this new reality not going so well right now but I know that God is able and were we are weak HE is strong so now this is a great big area for God to show himself great big.