A Caregivers Rant

Well we are at day 10 of the Affinitor it has been the most difficult chemo for Gary up to this point.He has been nauseous and has generally felt yucky but it is taxing his body so much he is barely awake anymore. It shatters my heart to be in his room and chatting with him his voice is barely over a whisper the majority of the time and he can barely stay awake and often falls asleep in mid conversation. He has not been able to shower in three weeks so I have been sponge bathing him. He is now experiencing almost debilitating pain in his hips and making it near impossible to even sit up for long much less walk around. The kids say they miss "fat daddy" since he is now over a 100 ponds lighter since Sept 10. They asked me tonight how are we going to take our Easter pictures this year since Daddy isn't with us at church?,that broke my heart this will be the first Easter in 20 years I will celebrate Easter without him. I now have it all on my shoulders His care, the home,the kids, upkeep of the home, finances everything. Gary and I used to be the perfect example of a marriage we were partners in every way but now bless his heart all he has in him is going to fight this disease. I think the kids have caught a clue to how overwhelmed I am and have been less needy and more helpful. I want our old life back I am tired of this one. I miss my husband so much, he is right in the next room but he cant come and snuggle anymore or fuss at me for spending to much money he cant do anything. He still is here but in away I have all ready lost him. This cancer just needs to go back to hell where it came from and leave us alone. God please strengthen my sweet mans body to fight this cancer and strengthen his spirit to fight depression. Lord please also help the girls and I we are all empty we need your touch Lord.