Today we had a dear lady from church come out and take our family photos and took special photos of Gary and the kids together. I have two family pictures now about a year and 4 months apart from each other. The one taken 16 months ago will be the image that I hold in my mind of our family that was really the last time Gary looked like Gary. I will cherish today's photos because they show us now a family that has been drawn even closer together by a horrible disease and a Daddy that even as sick as he is still came outside and even laid on the ground just to get a pic with his girls. Thank you and may God bless the amazing photographers in our life Jeff Westcott Photography and Rebecca Harvin you guys are so wonderful thank you for giving this family memories to cherish no matter what tomorrow holds!!!!!

A Step we were dreading

Tuesday I got called into a meeting with the social worker from our Oncologists office and she recommended that we bring in Hospice. I broke down in to tears to me this was the day I was dreading because in my mind this was it. If it was going to take Gary's hope away I was not going to bring them in. Thankfully it did not we found out that it would be an amazing benefit and he could continue the treatments he was all ready on. The information specialist came out Friday and told us the amazing care that they would provide and it was such a blessing. They are going to send a nurse out three or more times a week and a CNA to help with hygiene and a Chaplain and a volunteer to come out and spend some time with the kids giving them a some much needed special attention. I am still not thrilled with the idea of Community Hospice being such a HUGE part of our lives but I think it will be a huge blessing for this family. The social worker even said our days are numbered by God and Gary may outlive us all but we need to realize that the doctors cannot cure him but God still can but we need the services of Hospice until that day comes. Even the Hospice lady said we will gladly discharge you if God heals you and we will rejoice with you but lets take care of you now and that made us feel so much better. My heart still hurts every time I say the word HOSPICE but I am thanking God that this place is here to relieve some of the heaviness of the intense care that Gary needs right now and we can use this time to enjoy each other more.
Please continue to lift the entire family as we walk in to this new area please remember Gary's entire family this cancer effects so many and my heart breaks for his parents and brothers and grandmother I get to see him everyday I can put my hands on him as much as I want love on him whenever but they cant they have to observe from the outside and I know that has got to be so difficult.

Praise - Our God supplies all of our needs this week by Gods grace and His servants we had several needs filled in one evening and it was so overwhelming just to know that God knows all our needs and I thank God for the people He has blessed us with that listen to His leading and I pray that God would bless all that have sewn into us so very much
THANK YOU SO MUCH DEAR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WE ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR EACH OF YOU

Yesterday we celebrated Gary's 42nd Birthday it was a bitter sweet day. Sweet because honestly if you would have asked me at christmas if he was going to be here on his birthday, I would have told you, I seriously doubt it.Bitter because the whole party had to center around Gary's hospital bed.
He is to the point now he can stay awake for an hour or so but thats about it. I am exhausted the kids are going nuts with worry and misbehaving really really badly. Life is NUTS he has seven more days of radiaiton then it is back on the chemo.
I sometimes, well most of the time, am stressed beyond belief but God continues to suprise me with blessings. When my car broke down this weeek God sent me to a family mechanic who helped me with some deep discounts and then God provided for a good portion of the rest of the bill. We had food brought by a bunch of saints from church and then his work sent some food too so God has met us where we were and helped us. He hasnt gotten us out of the fire but He has walked with us thru the fire.
I am going between standing in faith and preparing myself for his funeral. If I seem really random right now thats about how I feel. If you think about us this week please pray for miracles as we finish up dissabilty at work and thu social securtity.
Most of all please oray that the healing we have all begged God for would happen and this family would have their Sweet Daddy back.

The Gift of a Meal

I went to church today and got blessed out of my socks we had 6 meals brought to church so we could put them in the freezer at home for the times that we need them. Life is so crazy right now with daily radiation visits and doctors visits along with all the other parts of life with thee teenagers we have been relying on fast food alot and we can neither afford it or need it health wise. The six wonderful saints that brought us meals will never know how much of a burden they lifted off of me this week. I know that I have done meals for people when I could but until I have gotten in the role of caretaker I never really appreciated how much meals help it doesn't matter if it is a frozen family size dinner or a box of fried chicken or home made spaghetti it is such an amazing special gift. Thank you all so much who have blessed our family and have helped ease the immense burden that has been placed on our family. I pray that God rewards you all 10 fold for your generosity. LOVE to all our friends we could not do it with out your help. We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and I think God every day for each of you.

Hospital stay

Gary went to his regular doctors apt on Thursday and he was so weak and in so much pain that they put him straight in the hospital. Thank God his Dad was there and he stayed with him while he got settled then his mom came and spent Thursday with him in the hospital. I went home and settled the children and got our bags packed and joined him in the hospital on Friday morning. While at the hospital they discovered the reason for the bad pain was an increase in the diffusion of the cancer in his right hip and left shoulder. That is not what we wanted to hear we wanted to hear it was going away :(. They were able to get him a walker and even a hospital bed to help his mobility. Those were delivered today and he is now sleeping comfortably in a nice new hospital bed. I take him to see the radiation oncologist on Monday for him to begin radiation treatments on the hip and shoulder in hopes that would alleviate his pain. Understandably he is scared his Independence is being threatened he feels like his life is being stripped from him one piece at a time and in a way it is. With this pain simple tasks like going to the bathroom have become almost impossible for him. The girls see his rapid decline the last couple weeks and it has scared them to death the idea of daddy not beating this cancer seems more real to them and it scares them Daddy is their best friend :(. I am just spent emotionally, physically, spiritually in all ways. I thank God for family and friends that help with the kids and help mow lawns and move furniture. Friday night the girls were picked up by one of the leaders at church and brought to a youth event and that just was the biggest stress relief for them they got to go and have fun and be a kid and not think about cancer and that just was such a blessing. We had visitors probably half the day on friday wich brightened both of us we also got what the volunteer said was the record for most "cheer cards" in one day :)and then a friend mowed our lawn today and family came and helped move stuff for the hospital bed they even helped me wheel gary in to the house. Thank you to all of you who participated in Operation Save Cindys sanity this weekend and operation Cheer Gary up:) Each and everyone of you are such a blessing we could not do it with out you.

A Caregivers Rant

Well we are at day 10 of the Affinitor it has been the most difficult chemo for Gary up to this point.He has been nauseous and has generally felt yucky but it is taxing his body so much he is barely awake anymore. It shatters my heart to be in his room and chatting with him his voice is barely over a whisper the majority of the time and he can barely stay awake and often falls asleep in mid conversation. He has not been able to shower in three weeks so I have been sponge bathing him. He is now experiencing almost debilitating pain in his hips and making it near impossible to even sit up for long much less walk around. The kids say they miss "fat daddy" since he is now over a 100 ponds lighter since Sept 10. They asked me tonight how are we going to take our Easter pictures this year since Daddy isn't with us at church?,that broke my heart this will be the first Easter in 20 years I will celebrate Easter without him. I now have it all on my shoulders His care, the home,the kids, upkeep of the home, finances everything. Gary and I used to be the perfect example of a marriage we were partners in every way but now bless his heart all he has in him is going to fight this disease. I think the kids have caught a clue to how overwhelmed I am and have been less needy and more helpful. I want our old life back I am tired of this one. I miss my husband so much, he is right in the next room but he cant come and snuggle anymore or fuss at me for spending to much money he cant do anything. He still is here but in away I have all ready lost him. This cancer just needs to go back to hell where it came from and leave us alone. God please strengthen my sweet mans body to fight this cancer and strengthen his spirit to fight depression. Lord please also help the girls and I we are all empty we need your touch Lord.

The Drug Finally Came

Well it took a solid week of fussing and fuming but the drug is now in our hot little hands :). Gary has now taken 4 doses it has caused him some liver pain and tummy issues but we are taking that as a good sign. Thank you for your continud prayers as he tries to fight this disease I have had my own battle learning to do the checkbook, learning to hook up a dvd player learning to do the things he used to it is sad and so very overwhelming. I never knew how much faith Gary had till I started doing the checkbook and now I realize he had to have an amazing faith to have gotten us this far with our finances lol. This whole family is tired overwhelmed and anxiety filled. Please pray for provision for this family as well as peace I miss peace :) God bless yall.

Answered Prayer

Thanks to a God that can move mountains and insurance companies and a very determined doctor the drug was approved.... ( yeahhhhh) It should arrive via mail in the next couple of days thank you Lord. Gary's spirits are mixed he is glad that he is able to use this drug but the is cautiously optimistic about its effectiveness. He is actively preparing me to live without him balancing checkbooks and such. He was lower than a snake in a wagon rut last week then he received a visit from one of the pastors at church and that really helped. He seems at least happy now which is a huge improvement over last week. I thank God that He is a miracle working God and as long as there is breathe in Gary's body there is still HOPE and that is what we are clinging to right now that HOPE. Thank you again for helping pray that insurance mountain away for us to get that new drug may this one be the key to his healing.

It has been a really LONG hard weekend. With the death of out friend last week the gravity of this fight we are in has become WAY to real. Friday night I sat with the girls as they cried and cried asking me what will happen if Daddy dies where will we live what will we do will you put us in an orphanage ( that one my answer was UH NO) they cried over our friend and cried for the young twins she leaves behind. Then Saturday his dad and brothers came over that was a high point after they left I think he was exhausted but it boosted his spirits so much. The girls and I got up and went to church today but it was a very hard service. The sermon was really great but it was sad it was all about dealing with the loss of a loved one and other stuff but my mind shut off after that. Tonight we brought Gary a little dinner and thought he was asleep like he had been for the last few days but soon he came into the room where I was and he was about in tears he laid next to me and I asked what in the world was wrong and he said he was lonely and did not want to die alone WHAT we sat and talked and he felt so alone and I reminded him we are just a whistle away he never has to be alone if he does not want to be conversations like that just about kill my insides.
Tomorrow is the memorial service for our friend and I am not going to go. I feel bad because I know if the tables were turn she is the kinda lady that would be there for me. I am afraid that if I go I am going to start crying and never be able to stop :( I told some one that my emotional health is a kin to a Faberge egg being tossed around a daycare center. I am so tired of living in the valley of the shadow of death. Tonight Gary rallied and spent a bunch of time with the girls and way after she was suppose to be asleep Merry came in gave him a huge hug and said thank you so much daddy I have missed you so much.
This next week I pray that we will hear something favorable from the doc about that chemo drug that they denied and to pay for it would be 6500 dollars ( woo baby)
Lord Give me the strength to be there for the people I love more than life itself and if it your will take this cup from our hands and deliver this family.

Kutless "Everything I Need" (Official Music Video)

Tonight we got word that the friend who was in her own cancer marathon finished that marathon in Jesus arms tonight and is now whole and cancer free in heaven. She was a young woman around the same age as Gary and had 3 year old twins that will miss having this amazing woman there to guide them into adulthood. WHY why is the God who is a healing God allowing this beautiful woman to be taken, why does he allow my husbands life to be threatened, why does He allow babies that have been prayed for from the time of conception almost to die shortly after birth, why is my 10 year old having behavioral issues because she constantly worried that one day she is going to wake up and Daddy will be gone, why are my girls having to make plans to go to a daddy daughter dance with their grandpa and uncles WHY? I wish I had this magic bullet answer to that question but I am really struggling with it tonight. I have prayed and prayed what God has show me is life is like the back of a cross stitch piece all knotted and nasty and sometimes darn right ugly but only the master craftsman knows what the front looks like and it is a beautiful picture. I look forward to the day when I can look back from heaven and say ohhhh that's what you were doing God. Until that day I have to be like a child and trust that my Daddy will keep us all firm in his hands and provide for that sweet man who is grieving the love of his life and the children who are too young to really understand what all this means and trust that as we walk through the shadow of the valley of death we will fear no evil and know that HIS rod and staff will comfort us.

God help that precious family shower them with your love and your peace

NEED PRAYER

We need everyone to be in prayer God can move mountains but can He move insurance companies, I think he can. We just found out that the last ditch effort chemo drug that they want Gary to try will not be covered by the insurance and if we bought it it would be THOUSANDS of dollars. We do not have enough money right now to go to Chilli's for dinner much less pay thousands for this med and we need Gods intervention and favor with the drug company and doctors office to work this out some how. I want to say we tried it ALL and I don't want some stupid insurance company to stand in the way. Thank you for your continued prayer and support as we travel this difficult road.

The drug is Affinitor if anyone wants to know.

The following is a beautiful verbalization of how we are all feeling. Yesterday we found out the good news that his brain is clear of cancer but found out that his liver is failing again the chemo is not working anymore. We are going to try another chemo but even the doc said our options are running out.









I will not deny God is God, but right now life stinks and I want to just screeeeeeeeeam!!!!!!!



We raised a fine son who has worked hard and made a good life for he & his family. He has been a faithful servant. He has four ladies in his life who need him and he them. We all need him. And this, this cancer, it is his reward??? Humbug! I know there're a lot of folks worse off in this world, but this can never be explained to me this side of Heaven and to my complete understanding. The thought that our son is fighting for his life is smothering us all. God, he is your son too. I know people of all ages die, but it is not the natural order of life for a parent to outlive their children. I can't even imangine what Gary is going through right now. I know what we are going through and again, it stinks. I would throw myself in front of a train if I thought it would do any good. We all feel helpless.



I pray again and again that You will see your way clear to reach down and heal this cancer. Walk with him and with all who know and love him. This is hard for me to say right now, but it is still Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven and I will do my best to understand whatever the outcome. In Jesus' name. Amen



We are so thankful for everyone's continued thoughts, well wishes and prayers.

Valentines Day Ba hum bug

This year Valentines is really hard. The love of my life is in the battle for his life and there is not much left from the battle for doing the things we used to do. It makes me so sad to think of the walks down the beach we used to take when now walking across the room is a struggle for him. My normally pleasantly plump husband is nearly 100 pounds lighter than he was just 6 months ago. What I would give to wake up and the last 18 months to have been a dream. I want my old husband back so bad I can hardly stand seeing him suffer the way he is. My poor baby is fighting so hard against this cancer and I am so proud of him. The blows just keep coming tho, this week he may be forced to finally go on disability which will mean half our salary gone and medical coverage gone. He is also getting an MRI to check and see if the cancer has spread to his brain :( We are all so tired the kids are about on the edge of nervous breakdowns after my 40 days of medical crap and Gary just wants it to be over and this cancer GONE and I am just numb and I am okay with that cause if I am numb at least I wont cry and I am tired of crying. Please keep this family in your prayers we are all just about at the end of our ropes and need God to refill and refresh us. Also please remember a friend of ours whose wife is in the battle for life as well they need strength and peace as well. Happy Valentines and take the time to Thank God for your love if they are healthy and with you. I know our spouses can get on our nerves and be difficult but the alternative is not having them so cherish every second you have with your love ones we never know when those moments will be threatened or taken away.

Another "fun" week at the Schrivers NOT

*SIGH* Gary went to the doctor this week for his regular blood draw and we were hoping it would all be fine and he could start the chemo again but nope :( His blood was actually really good all his levels were back up to where they needed to be and he casually asked about the nausea he was experiencing he said even the drugs would not fix it. Then the doctor said well lets do an MRI and and see if something is pressing on that part of your brain. Okay he never actually said mats to the brain but what else could be pressing on anything. He has to wait on the chemo yet again till we get the results from the MRI oh and did I tell you that all this was happening while I was having an in office operation on my foot. You know you just have to laugh it is so absolutely NUTS what goes on around here it is only Feb 10th and I have had one major and one minor surgery and Gary has had one round of chemo and praise God NO hospital stays. Please not only keep us in your prayers please keep our children in your prayers they have gotten used to Daddy sick but now that Mommy seems to be falling apart on them they are starting to loose it especially my youngest I am her anchor her stability in a very unstable life anymore and now that I have had such issues she is really coming unhinged. This whole family is just exhausted this journey has been so long we are praying that God will very soon heal Gary and we can go back to the life we had cause we are tired of this one :(

Two week Chemo Break

Gary is almost done with the two week hiatus he had to take from chemo. His blood counts were starting to go down and he has had 16 or so blood transfusions so they are trying to keep him from having to get anymore blood. Did you know that the more blood you get the more antibodies you make and the harder it is to find a blood match. I didn't know that. I am thankful that they are taking their time with the chemo because it has taken me longer than I had thought to recover from my gall bladder surgery so it has been difficult to get Gary where he needs to be. Monday he goes back to the doctor an hopefully they will give him the okay to start the chemo again. I am still amazed at how the chemo has helped. I thank God when I see him because I honestly thought that I would be burying him at this point in the year but instead we are hopeful and optimistic that he is getting better and can beat this thing.
The other day I was looking through a craft store and thought oh we can do this on the 4Th of July and this on Christmas and I just had to smile because at Christmas a couple of months ago I was fervently praying that Gary would not die around Christmas so it wouldn't ruin the day for the kids forever. I don't want you to misunderstand Gary is still not out of the woods he has a LONG road to beating this cancer but Praise be to the God He has restored our hope that he will be healed and someday this cancer will be an unpleasant memory.

Below is my facebook status from last Monday

ITS WORKING IT'S WORKING THE CHEMOTHERAPY IS WORKING so they are doing another round starting tomorrow. This week I will be recovering from surgery and him on chemo we will be quit a pair lol


I am so excited to say that there has been improvement in his liver function and it appears that the chemo is working :) so they decided to up his dosage and do another round. I am so thrilled I see him getting less jaundice everyday. I am incredibly optimistic that this is a God inspired course of treatment and will be an avenue for God to work his miracle. This week is slow going for us all not only has he started chemo again I had gall bladder surgery on Tuesday so as parents we are pretty useless this week so I am thanking God for my mom and sister who have picked up the slack with the kids and my in laws who helped shuttle us to and from the hospital. I am so thankful for such and amazing support system between family and my amazing church we are one blessed family.

**please forgive me if this does not make any sense I am typing this with oxycodone and fenergan coursing thru my system lol) **

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

This passage from 1 Corinthians 13 (the message) says it all.Next week we go and find out if the chemo has done any good and then on Tuesday I have my gall bladder removed. So please keep this little family in your prayers.
As a couple we have been through so much but we have also have a deeper love than we both ever thought possible. The first picture above was taken 14 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child the second was taken at Christmas time this past year. In 14 years we have gotten a little (OK a alot) rounder and much grayer but I am thankful for the many trials that we have faced as a couple this cancer journey has defiantly been the hardest but if it wasn't for all that we have been through the inner strength we share would not be there. Gary Robert Schriver I love you more today than I ever dreamed possible you have made my heart almost burst from being so full of love for you. You have sewn into my life helped me grow in confidence helped me achieve dreams and helped me to learn how to love. I am so privileged to be your marathon buddy I love you !!

Chemo is DONE

I am happy to say that chemo is all done. I wish I could say that two days off chemo that he is feeling tons better but I cant. He has continued to be pretty much sleeping 17 hours a day. He is very weak he has to take a break when he just walks to the bathroom :( It is so hard to see our daddy feeling so bad. I have been coming into his room a couple of times a day and I aggravate him a little get him moving around and drink. He tells me I am nurse Helga I smile and say YUP :). Last night he slipped and fell in the bathroom scared the bejebbers out of me I helped him up and Praise God he was okay. He went to the doctor on Monday and I just thank the Lord that he kept his blood levels up. I was begging God so much for him to make his levels good so we would not have to spend the first week in the hospital and thank you God that's what happened. I am not sure what the next week few weeks are going to bring us I am just praying that he feels better. He has had more times this week of just wanting to give up than I want to think about. My poor guy needs strength to fight this nasty didoes. Thank you all for teaming with us in prayer I know we will see our prayers answered this year Yeah 2011 ( that is a faith statement :)

2011

2011 is just a few days away and I have to admit I am not really looking forward to it. This next year holds either rejoicing in the miracles of Health or figuring out how I am going to piece together my shattered heart. It will also be the beginning of me reinventing myself going from a stay at home mom for 14 years to a college student. This next year will be a year of extremes there will be no status qou. Gary is now on the last ditch chemo drug and we will start the new year off with him on the really nasty drug that will make him very ill. This is the first time I am almost sick going into the new year but I guess it will be like the clip above from Indiana Jones where he had to take a deep breath and take a leap of faith to see what is on the other side. Know that our family is praying you all have a very happy and healthy new year and thank you for traveling with us thru 2010. I am so happy this year is almost history :)