2011

2011 is just a few days away and I have to admit I am not really looking forward to it. This next year holds either rejoicing in the miracles of Health or figuring out how I am going to piece together my shattered heart. It will also be the beginning of me reinventing myself going from a stay at home mom for 14 years to a college student. This next year will be a year of extremes there will be no status qou. Gary is now on the last ditch chemo drug and we will start the new year off with him on the really nasty drug that will make him very ill. This is the first time I am almost sick going into the new year but I guess it will be like the clip above from Indiana Jones where he had to take a deep breath and take a leap of faith to see what is on the other side. Know that our family is praying you all have a very happy and healthy new year and thank you for traveling with us thru 2010. I am so happy this year is almost history :)

The 11th hour

This week we got to a point in our Cancer Journey that I knew we might get to but I was praying for a miracle to happen way before we were any where close to it. At what we thought was a routine apt this week the Doctor told him that he could tell by the blood tests that the chemo was NOT working and that his liver is failing pretty rapidly. He told us at that point that there was not much else they could do but he researched and found an oral chemo to try and Gary starts that tomorrow. The realization that if this doesn't work and God does not work a miracle that I could be burying the Love of my life sooner than I imagined. This end point was always in the back of our minds but it was ethrial now it is terribly real if this doesn't work and God doesn't bring healing this is the LAST Christmas I will have with him
:( and at the rate his liver is failing I don't even think he would see February. My heart is breaking into a million more pieces then it was all ready and I am sorta ticked at God I prayed for MONTHS to have a peaceful Christmas these girls of mine need a really good Christmas and now chemo is starting and this desperate need for it to work is just sucking the joy out of Christmas. Please pray for this family for our faith to rise and storm the gates of Hell and snatch our daddy back from deaths hold. Pray for our sweet girls they do not know the severity of things yet I want them to have a Christmas free of worry. Pray that 2011 will hold blessings of health and peace for this family and not the images that seem to flood our imaginations of funerals and a lonely life without him. I am in torment I so desperately want to bring Joy to my girls for Christmas and I cant seem to muster enough joy of my own to barely crack a smile. Thank you all for walking with us thru all this cancer mess and thank you for standing with us now.

Blah and Blessings

The two pictures above sum up our last week. Gary had 5 days of Chemo last week which he did fine through at the time but starting Friday he began having excruciating pain all over. That pain got so bad it has even made him throw up a couple of times. We went back to the doctor on Monday and they checked him out and they did some blood work and they think that it is a virus that he picked up (some mean virus). The kids have been VERY worried about him, he spent all last weekend in bed and the pain has made him grumpy to say the least. It is almost funny how fast those imaginations run with him being in such pain our immediate thought isn't oh he has a virus no our immediate thought is OH GOD the cancer has spread. With the pain in the back of his neck and his moodiness we have tearfully worried that it went to his brain. I pray that the doctor is right and it is just a virus. Viruses run their course and leave this cancer is a much harder guest to kick out. He gets his next PET scan next Thursday so the virus or cancer spreading question will be answered then :(.
On an amazing note we have been super blessed by a whole bunch of people who got together and gave us money to buy Christmas gifts for our family. We really did not know how we were going to do the smallest things for the girls this year and thought Christmas would be yet another disappointing thing for them this year but not now :-) I cant tell you what they are getting yet because they read the blog sometimes but I will tell you what I told them the number of boxes under the tree is not going to be great but what is in them rocks :) I was able to get them the desires of there heart and it is all in big boxes in my room and it is driving them CRAZY ( a little fun for mommy). We had money set aside for gifts for each other and that money combined with some of the anonymous group funds I was able to get the desires of my heart for Christmas too I am so excited this thing will make killing time in doctors offices much easier and its really really cool tehe, Gary teases that once I get this particular thing he wont ever see me again lol. We were also able to get big man an awesome gift that he really wanted my sister got him an ereader which was one thing that he really wanted he has been downloading Star Trek books and reading them in bed when he hasn't been able to get up. I got him a DSi with a mario game for Christmas. He knows what I got him but he cant play it till Christmas. Thanks to the kindness of friends what we would be the meagerest of Christmases has turned into something we are all looking so forward to. It is such a blessing in the midst of this medical mellow drama to have something that brings the family some excitement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all the people who gave to help make Christmas extra special this year. You have given us the gift of joyful anticipation and that is a priceless gift may God bless you back ten fold for all that you gave to us.