Grief

I celebrated my first birthday in 20 years without my sweet man this last week. I shed a lot of tears but thanks to some really good friends this birthday turned out really well. A lot of laughter and some really good cheese cake and awesome friends made the day so special. We all have still been struggling with sinus infections. I am surprised that my middle one has been the one that has struggled with this bug the most and that is so not like her the last time a bug got her down was when she was three and she had Salmonella. Some one told us this week that the fact that we are coming from such a stressful year and are going through such grief that that had a part to play with us not being able to shake this cold and I think there might be something to that. I keep thinking this grief thing is going to get better and it seems just the opposite. There are times when I sit and think and these scenes flash in my head of the past struggles and I think I have relived the moment when the nurse said that he only had a few minutes to live in my head about a million times. How I had to call the girls into the room and tell them that the time for Daddy to go to heaven is now. I can hear my middle one tell her Daddy I hope you have fun in heaven and have fun walking the streets of Gold and the tears that the nurse shed when he heard that. The kids are going through the same thing.
I am beginning to have a real understanding of post traumatic stress syndrome. You always see those tv shows were the man comes back from war and when some one drops a pot on the ground the guy crumbles into a ball reliving images from battle. I use to think that was a bunch of hooey but now the smallest thing can trigger this flood of memories and I find myself in tears again.
A friend of mine started a new set of rules for herself as she becomes and empty nester and I think I am going to do the same for me. The first life rule I am going to make for me is BE PATIENT with myself grief takes time and I HAVE to give myself that time to heal right. Two girls birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner and they are going to be hard and I am going to be patient with myself and my girls and if you see me not feel free to punch me in the arm :)
My youngest is doing something really cool for her birthday this year. She wasn't going to have one at all but she found a party at Build a Bear that was a St Judes party and as a part of party planning you raise funds to send to St Judes children's cancer hospital so she decided to do this party in honor of Daddy. Cancer research can only be a good thing.
If you would like to contribute to Merry's Birthday tribute follow the link http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Build-A-Bear/Build-A-Bear?px=1993957&pg=personal&fr_id=3591


Patients is the new word for myself take life slow and ease into the new normal of life without our sweetman. The girls and my life has been completely destroyed and we are now having to rebuild the foundation for the rest of our life and we want to take the time to make this foundation stronger than before!! I am determined to make our life a tribute to what Gary sewed into us.

Thinking a bunch ...

I just got back from my first vacation as a family of four not five. I have three teens so they pretty much took off and did their own things but that left me with a lot of time to sit and think about the last two years. From that initial hit with a sledge hammer of a diagnosis, no one can even fathom the stunned hurt that comes with hearing you or your loved one has cancer unless they have had the misfortune to hear it themselves. From the seemingly endless doctors appointments and biopsies and the night before your first chemotherapy. That was awful I remember holding Gary in tears he was so afraid of what that chemo would do to him and then after the chemo started the hair loss he thought he would be okay with the hair loss but he wasn't he sat in bed and when I checked on him he was holding clumps of hair in tears. He was pleasently suprised that he was pretty handsome bald. There were so many other times we both shed tears when right after the initial diagnosis a doctor told him you have one good Christmas and one ok Christmas left and that is all no more than 2 years to live we would call him horrible yet funny names but darnnit he had it right almost to the day. Going through the last two years was in a way a blur. I have to go back and read this blog to realize how LONG Gary really suffered and how he fought like heck to stay here with us.All the times all I could do was hold him as he weeped but then somehow he would reckon on this inner strength that came from God to wipe his tears and finish the battle. Our favorite quote was "life will bring trials its your choice if you are going to let them make you bitter or better" we both did all we knew how to do to have those trials make us BETTER. We both had a few yelling sessions at God early on and I know for me one day after about an hour of yelling "you HAVE to heal him God I cant go on without him" "take me not him" I finally wore myself out and as I sat and looked at the river God said "will you love me no matter what??" I wish I could say the answer was an immediate YES but it wasn't I had to really think if my husband died would I still love and trust God for everything??? Eventually the answer was yes and from that point on I was never MAD at God for anything that happened to either of us there was a couple of times that I looked to heaven and said "REALLY" but never anger and that went for Gary too. He had such a tuned in spirit he could cry and let it out then almost get a hug from God and be ok and ready to encourage others. I am so proud of the battle that he waged he went through two years of a living hell and never once waiverd in his faith in God. What a legacy for the girls to have of their father. That unfortunately doesn't help the hole that we have now. I am a single mom REALLY my girls don't have a daddy to run into and hug anymore. They don't have a Daddy to take to the daddy daughter dance or walk them down the isle or dance with them at their wedding or spell words for them that mommy cant. They don't have their confidant the one who would endlessly debate my middle one and snuggle in bed with my baby and encourage my eldest. They are entering teen years without their daddy and we aren't sure how that is gonna work out. Our whole life now is trusting God to be that husband and father for us we still talk to daddy in heaven all the time and blow him kisses and tell him goodnight. My mind has worked in hyper speed this week flashing images and feelings and circumstances of the last two years but none of what is to come. The night before Gary died my little one and I were coming home from work and we saw this beautiful sunset after a nasty rain storm and I told her if it wasn't for the storm the sunset wouldn't have been near as beautiful. Somehow God is going to do that for us make this crap we have been going through into something beautiful. Not sure how yet, I guess stay tuned for the second leg of this marathon. Gary is now done with his race and I am so very proud of how he ran his race I KNOW God told him well done good and faithful servant and I know he is getting our kisses and love somehow. The race continues for the girls and I now a family of 4 the girls keep looking at me and saying you are a single mom wow and that is what I say too wow how is this gonna work :) God's amazing faithfulness has been wrapped around this family and continues to be the miracles of provision and blessing we have seen is unbelievable I still stand in awe at all God has done through His people. One thing I can tell you about this next leg of the marathon is it wont be boring :)