Grief

I celebrated my first birthday in 20 years without my sweet man this last week. I shed a lot of tears but thanks to some really good friends this birthday turned out really well. A lot of laughter and some really good cheese cake and awesome friends made the day so special. We all have still been struggling with sinus infections. I am surprised that my middle one has been the one that has struggled with this bug the most and that is so not like her the last time a bug got her down was when she was three and she had Salmonella. Some one told us this week that the fact that we are coming from such a stressful year and are going through such grief that that had a part to play with us not being able to shake this cold and I think there might be something to that. I keep thinking this grief thing is going to get better and it seems just the opposite. There are times when I sit and think and these scenes flash in my head of the past struggles and I think I have relived the moment when the nurse said that he only had a few minutes to live in my head about a million times. How I had to call the girls into the room and tell them that the time for Daddy to go to heaven is now. I can hear my middle one tell her Daddy I hope you have fun in heaven and have fun walking the streets of Gold and the tears that the nurse shed when he heard that. The kids are going through the same thing.
I am beginning to have a real understanding of post traumatic stress syndrome. You always see those tv shows were the man comes back from war and when some one drops a pot on the ground the guy crumbles into a ball reliving images from battle. I use to think that was a bunch of hooey but now the smallest thing can trigger this flood of memories and I find myself in tears again.
A friend of mine started a new set of rules for herself as she becomes and empty nester and I think I am going to do the same for me. The first life rule I am going to make for me is BE PATIENT with myself grief takes time and I HAVE to give myself that time to heal right. Two girls birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner and they are going to be hard and I am going to be patient with myself and my girls and if you see me not feel free to punch me in the arm :)
My youngest is doing something really cool for her birthday this year. She wasn't going to have one at all but she found a party at Build a Bear that was a St Judes party and as a part of party planning you raise funds to send to St Judes children's cancer hospital so she decided to do this party in honor of Daddy. Cancer research can only be a good thing.
If you would like to contribute to Merry's Birthday tribute follow the link http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Build-A-Bear/Build-A-Bear?px=1993957&pg=personal&fr_id=3591


Patients is the new word for myself take life slow and ease into the new normal of life without our sweetman. The girls and my life has been completely destroyed and we are now having to rebuild the foundation for the rest of our life and we want to take the time to make this foundation stronger than before!! I am determined to make our life a tribute to what Gary sewed into us.