A wonderful dream

Last night I had the most realistic dreams I have ever had I was sitting next to Gary laughing and snuggling we talked and he made me belly laugh like he always was able to do. When I woke up I was going to go and kiss Gary on the forehead and let him know he was in my dreams all night long. It took about two minutes to realize that he is not here anymore and my heart hurt like it did the night he died. I wanted to sit and cry for a few minutes but unfortunately I had slept through my first alarm and was waking up to my "oh crap" alarm. My middle daughter had orientation for 7th grade this morning and that made me sad too because if Gary was here he would have taken off work to be there for us. He would have sat in between us and held both of our hands he would have nudged me in the ribs when things were going long and I was about to doze off. My middle daughter busted out into sobs several times going and coming back she just kept saying "I miss Daddy I know he would be so proud of me". She is so excited about the new challenges of the new school year but is fears doing it all with out our Daddy :( It has only been two weeks sometimes it seems like it has been a year since he was gone and other times it seems like it all just happened. As we begin this new season of hundreds of "firsts" without daddy every time we have one of those firsts it is like ripping a band aide off a scar on a hairy arm and them pouring some salt in it. Thank you for your prayers all of Gary's family appreciates them.

A huge debt of gratitude

Today marked the finale week I get my regular Friday visitor from Gary's work and it made me think back at all that they have done for us and how very grateful I am that Gary worked for such an amazing company. I would not have blamed them if they would have fired him back in November because that is when it was getting super difficult health wise but they didn't instead they sent us Thanksgiving dinner they would surprise us sporadically with meals from some amazing place usually after a particular horrible week or hospital stay. They were VERY patient with him he got his 40 hours in but it may have been between 2 and 6 am it didn't matter. Starting in about March we started getting a visitor every Friday from work sometimes it was just him and other times he would bring coworkers but every time it blessed Gary and my heart. Gary got to have that physical contact with people from work and it was so great for me to see how much his work cared. They have been an email away with any questions or concerns I have had which there have been a few freak out moments for me. The day of the funeral there must have been 20 people from his work there and they told me that they were going to be bringing dinner to us the rest of the following week and some groceries on Friday. The dinners came daily the next week and were all yummy and such a blessing something we didn't have to worry with we could just enjoy. Today was the finale meal and groceries and WOW I was blown away everything from TP to shampoo to snacks to put in lunches and a stack of paper plates a foot high. Oh and dinner tonight HONEY BAKED HAM (one of my favs) and to top it off was a card with money and gas and grocery gift cards in it. I am so overwhelmed by all that they have done this week. So let me say thank you to the people of LPS your love and patients through Gary's battle gave us peace and your outpouring of blessings on us since his passing has been so amazing. I know after all the life insurance and such is done I will have little to no dealing with you all so please accept my sincerest thank yous for all that you have done for us over the past year we will be eternally grateful.

9 days

I cant believe but it has been nine days since I told the love of my life good bye for now. I have to say it really hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. I have handled the bills and done most things with out him for the last year because he has been bedridden that long. So daily life isn't that much different than it was before but we just don't have our sweet man to come home to anymore. I have thought alot about grief the last couple of days and thought, what a week two tops to grieve then I need to move on right?? WRONG most places I have read said allow yourself a minimum of two years to truly go through the grieving process. Two years that scares me because I don't want to feel this lonely and heartbroken and sad for two years before it gets any better, There is also a real shortage on materials to help you walk through your grief and I think I figured out why, and I know you want me to tell you :) I am beginning to see that people have grief languages just like a person has a particular love language. Personally I want to wrap my grief up in a nice neat package and place it on the shelf in my mind and move on and busy myself to the point where I never have time to revisit that grief box. My youngest child is dealing with her grief physically she isn't sleeping she is getting angry and hits things she is VERY verbal about missing Daddy and has repeatedly told me that she is clinically depressed and would really like to kill herself or fall of the face of the earth just so she could be with daddy again. My middle child is very matter of fact about things Daddy is in Heaven now he is all better from Cancer in no more pain he is good so we should be too. She has told me I wont grieve because Daddy is where he always wanted to be. My sweet eldest is hurting so bad she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is down but doesn't share she just deals with her grief in her own heart. And that is just the four of us every person tends to deal differently I am praying about a devotion or something that we might be able to do together that will help us all deal.
We have been super blessed by Gary's coworkers this week they brought meals everyday and even a card with some money in it and boy has that been such a blessing to not think about cooking between church and work I think in the last month I sat and cooked maybe twice which has been such an amazing blessing.
We had our air go out this week which was a bummer considering it was well over a 100 out side.When it broke I told my mom wouldn't it be great is there was a check in the mail and we went a stayed in a hotel and then I logged on Facebook and someone offered up a beachfront room at the Ponte Vedra inn and Lodge. Wow was that just what my heart needed a day of sitting looking at the beach and hearing the waves crash, I could have spent a month there without moving. Between the meals and the hotel stay we have also been blessed with gift cards to stores and restaurants so when we were at the beach we ate off gift cards (there was no money in our acct) and the next day we were able to even get some school supplies. So the last 9 days have been a time of incredible loneliness because my best friend and confidant is gone but an overwhelming since or family from Gary's amazing coworkers and our beyond words church family. Please pray for us we are all grieving in four different ways and we are all hurting so bad it is hard to even think we will go on but I know we will with Gods help. Please also pray for favor with life insurance the paperwork has not come in yet and it will take another 5 days once they receive the paperwork back so vacation is on hold paying my bills is on hold everything is on hold till it comes through. If it wasn't for a blessing from church our bank acct would still be in the red so the need for that life insurance is yesterday.
Thank you for continuing to walk with us through this new journey .

The Funeral

Well today was the funeral. It was so hard even saying the words GARY'S FUNERAL it all still seems surreal. It was a beautiful service amazing music, a wonderful slide show of his life, a tearful tribute from Gary's Dad that brought me to massive tears and most of all God was glorified and that was what Gary would have wanted most of all. There is a strange peace falling over the girls and I the anxiety and worry we had over taking care of Daddy is now gone. I think we all lived on pins and needles for so long listening for any noise of Gary in discomfort. I would never change a minute of the last few months I feel that I fell even more in love with Gary the last few months but that nervous energy has all ready begun to fade and now the quiet stillness of a broken heart is all that remains. I am so glad that at the end of this VERY long journey I can honestly say I do not have any regrets I think we tried everything humanly possible to see his healing. He always said we will do the natural and let God do the supernatural.Gary is now whole and healthy and leading a choir of angels in worship to the God he loved so very much. He used to tell me "it says that there will be no tears in heaven but if I am up there with out you I cant imagine NOT having tears" tonight I pray that that sweet wonderful man is resting peacefully in the arms of God and hearing the words that was the motivation to all he ever did "well done good and faithful servant".

Next week will begin all the finale preparations to close out an amazing life please pray that we have favor with all the places we have to call and notify of his passing and please pray that all the insurance comes through quickly we are living on very little till all that comes through. I guess I will also begin my journey as a single mom I am not a huge fan of that being married to Gary was the best he was amazing. He could calm me down with a touch and he would look at me with those big brown eyes and in case my hand in his big hands and all the sudden I believed I could do anything. He told me before he died "you will be fine when I am gone I have no doubt" now I wish he could come down and tell me that one more time to look in those eyes and feel that love. Sigh thank you for your continued prayers as this new phase of the Marathon begins.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/timesunion/obituary.aspx?n=gary-schriver&pid=152870155

This is my sweetmans death notice...

Sad News

Tonight was the night that I feared more than anything in my life. I said goodbye to the most wonderful amazing man tonight. Gary Robert Schriver passed into the waiting loving arms of Jesus surrounded by his family and at home.He went so fast this afternoon he did great at his check up his bp and heart rate was good he was bathed and even shaved and they had placed a catheter in him so we wouldn't have to move him to change the diaper. This evening right before dinner his brother came over and I am glad he did because if he hadn't I would have let Gary alone to just rest. I came into the room and noticed him breathing so hard and his tongue was pushed in the back of his throat he was struggling and trying to sit up. I tried to comfort him but he wouldn't be comforted so I called the hospice number and they sent the kindest nurse out that listened to his chest and told us that he only has a few minutes left and I sat by Gary's side rubbed his arm and caressed his face he calmed down and slowly just stopped breathing and slipped into heaven. I go tomorrow to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements and I will post details tomorrow. Please be in prayer for us as we learn to live and go on without the wonderful man that was such a huge part of our hearts.. Thank you foe walking with us on this journey and the new journey that lies ahead.

:( just :(

Wow life just continues to get more and more difficult. My poor sweet man is pretty much out of it 99% of the time I have to change his diaper and feed him juice by syringe because he cant suck from a straw anymore. I don't think my sweet man will be with me too much longer and to tell you the truth the way he is I hope he is in the arms of Jesus soon. It breaks my heart to see him this way I know he is so not happy it just kills me. If that was not hard enough to deal with slowly loosing my sweet man piece by piece my kids are going nuts. I have a ten year old that looses her temper at the smallest thing and throws these knock out drag down tantrums what seems like a 100 times a day. My 12 year old seems to continuously lash out with this venom of an attitude that just drives me bonkers with phrases like "well that's not fair" and "why". My poor eldest just wanders around not really knowing what to do or think she is just so over whelmed. My poor mom works her hiney off to try to keep the house in order and is the unfortunate butt of a lot of the kids frustrations. I have not had a full nights sleep in probably a month or more and little to no sleep the last two weeks. Every ounce of my body and my spirit is so exhausted I am not sure how I will ever survive this.
On the way to work this evening I had to drive through a thunder storm with HUGE nasty clouds and a bunch of lightning and on the way home I had my ten year old with me (because I don't trust anyone else to handle her tantrums) and coming over the bridge we saw the most amazing sunset and I told her if we can just hang on this is how God works he makes the most beautiful sunsets from the stormiest days but oh man it is getting so hard to weather the storm.

Please be in prayer for my sweet man that is suffering will be done soon either healed and loving on us (that is our choice) or whole and healthy in the arms of Jesus. Second for Gods refreshing peace to be on the girls and Gary's family and on me.

Almost two years to the day ....

Someone was asking me exactly when he got diagnosed and frankly the last two years have been one gigantic BLUR so I said I will go back to my blog and find out. Our life began this horrifying spiral on August 6th 2009. That day while cooking dinner I got a phone call from Gary that the doctor called and told it was CANCER. Since then he has gone from one radiation treatment and chemo round to another. The following is His words from that first family update which turned into the blog we now write...
"I got a call from my primary the same day saying that the radiology report came back saying that appeared to be metastatic bone cancer of the pelvis extending from my right hip around my lumbar back to my left hip. He said we didn't know for sure but if it was cancer that we needed to jump on things quickly. This all happened last Thursday (8/6) afternoon, so we were terrified to say the least, but trusting God that He would see us through this. He is the Healer!"

Two years latter we are still terrified and still trusting God...

Uncertain times

It has been a VERY difficult several days here at the Schriver's. Saturday had a pretty good day we even watched a movie with him in his room. Sunday night he woke me up and called me into his room and said very panicked "I think I am dying" he had trouble breathing and was VERY agitated and panicked. We called the Hospice nurse in at 4 am and he said that he was breathing well and his BP was good so he gave him some meds to control his anxiety and he went to sleep. The next day he was less awake then the day before and when he was awake he started having trouble getting his words out. The next day he slept most of the time and he could barely speak at all. I have not really slept these days and last night my mother in law came over and spent the evening in his room allowing me to get a few hours of sleep. Today he has been VERY restless moaning and groaning most of the day he has been very restless. The future for my sweet man is so uncertain it is terrifying to think of how ill he has become. I think back to conversations about his Great grandmother who was in a coma for 10 years before she passed away he said "I pray I am never like that a sound mind in a body that doesn't work" unfortunately that is what he is right now I know that HE is in there and he is trying to communicate and be there but his body is just not doing what he wants it to do. My little one was so excited tonight she leaned over his bed and whispered "I love you daddy" and he whispered back "I love you too" she was so excited she got an I love you :(. Please continue to pray for this family as we go through this new season of uncertainty please pray that no matter what happens God will instill his peace in us all.

Praise report God has provided in such amazing unexpected ways and we have shampoo and milk and cereal and the kids favorite TWO boxes of easy mac :) I thank all of you who provided meals or groceries or gift cards to us it has taken such a burden of of us and we have been able to focus on our sweet man. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Blessings :)

Last week I had a mini break down. The stress of all that has been happening just got the better of me. A husband/best friend who kept telling me he wanted to go home, a disability check that came SEVEN days late, kids that were going ballistic from all that has happened, a ten year old who told me she wished she would die so she wouldn't have to face life anymore :( Late bills yada yada yada the list of stresses just goes on and on. I was thinking if I was God (thank goodness I am not) I would have handled me like the crazy woman passenger in the movie Airplane where all the people on the plane took turns smacking the mess out of her. But instead God just did what every good parent should do he waited until I was done with my tantrum and just gave up. Then God just said "if your done will you trust me"?? I wish I emphatically said YES I TRUST YOU GOD but it was more like go for it give it your best shot!! I think God must like a challenge because wow He began this string of blessings that really surprised me. Friday I got a facebook from a high school friend who said that her sister had a "few" things for us we met her on Saturday and the word few is not the propper description it was a huge box and about 6 reusable grocery bags worth of food and it included awesome things. I was chatting with her outside my car I kept hearing my little one squeal oo peanut butter, oo easy mac ooo cereal ooo ooo ooo it was HUGE all those toiletres and paper products we hadn't been able to get was in those bags. SHAMPOO was in there good stuff too. Meat and basic staples it was such an amazing blessing I think the highlight was a half gallon of chocolate milk it was gone about an hour after we got home :) Saturday afternoon the prodigal disability check FINALLY came and I paid all my bills online that night and boy that felt so good. There was a low point in the weekend Gary fell last night and we had to have the paramedics come and help him up and then had to have a visit from one of the hunky male nurses ( that was not so bad;). Thankfully he was not hurt he was a little sore this morning but ok. My wonderful father in law asked me last night if we wanted him to come and sit with Gary while we went to church and normally I would have said NO you go to church but I think that the girls really needed that break and so did I. Church was amazing just seeing my friends at church and getting all those hugs just breathes life back into my soul. We also got a great card and a check from a new friend. New friends that is one of the side benefits from that work day people who I knew of I now call them friends. We were also blessed with three meals and money to get a fourth. WE NOW HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE :) I assure you we were not skipping any meals and I could stand to skip a few but the basic Staples we ran out of and it is such a stress to not have something and not have the money to get it. At points the kids would just wail WE HAVE NO FOOD :( lol translation we didn't have any easy mac, cereal, milk or cheese pizza.
I am a little nervous about what next week will bring Gary still feels really bad and he continues to have trouble breathing even with the oxygen so please pray that Gods will will be done this week and that the peace that passes all understanding will be on us all no matter what happens this week. We really value all your prayers and thank you all so much for all the special ways we have been so blessed.Thank you for loving me through my tantrums too :)

Strong enough

Yesterday my ten year old snuggled close with the ipad and said "here listen to this I think we both need this right now". This song says exactly how I feel. Thanks Merry for reminding me of the song.

Update from last post the mortgage did get reposted and went thru fine (deep breathe) Thank you Lord !!!

just some wild faithless ranting plz ignore

I woke up this morning and found that the mortgage did not go through because something else went through and was about 5 dollars off. I just want to scream some days, I am praying after an email to the mortger they will resubmit and all will be ok but it is just so FRUSTRATING. I am frustrated at the seemingly ENDLESS financial struggles, I should just be rejoicing and dancing with all the miracles that God has performed in our finances but I am so TIRED of having to pray and ask for those miracles. I just want things back to normal with a normal paycheck. Right now we are relying on God for EVERYTHING from gas to food to mortgage everything. I cant even go pick up my shampoo from the store yet cause his check hasn't come yet. It is so wonderful and amazing to see how people have walked with us and stood with us with meals and that work day wow that was cool. I want to be the one that stands with someone now. I am tired of waking up and praying that Gary hadn't passed away in his sleep. I am tired of worrying every time I leave the house that when I get back I will have missed saying goodbye to him. I hate the seemingly endless visits from nurses and social workers and bath ladies. I am SICK of having Hospice on speed dial. I am sick of answering questions like "is daddy gonna die" and "will you send us to the orphanage if Daddy dies". I am sick of trying to figure out what I will do as a job to support my family if something happends to Gary.I am sick of behavior issues from kids who haven't got the emotional maturity to deal with life (who does). I am sick of making plans with a disclaimer explaining that if Gary gets sick I am not gonna be there. I am so sick of writing birthday cards for Gary for the girls to have if he is not here to celebrate with them. I am sick of busting out in to random fits of tears. I am sick of tension headaches. I am sick of my life I want things to go back to normal I want to spend too much money and have Gary yell at me. I want Gary to come in the bedroom door with pop tarts with a heart made from food coloring on it. I want to sit next to Gary in church. I want Merry to mouth off to me not knowing Gary is around the corner and to see the "oh crap" look on her face because Daddy does not allow Mommy to be disrespected. I want to get super anxious about something and have Gary come in hold me and instantly calming me down then pray for me. I am just so DONE with this nightmare we have been living. I had a dear friend prayed over me a week before Gary was diagnosed and said God told her that "I was enough". For the last two years I held onto those words but now I am beginning to really doubt that. I am not even close to enough I am half of a whole trying to do the work of a whole plus some and I am faltering. Please pray for this family Gary keeps telling me he is ready to go home to be with Jesus, My girls are so anxious they don't know which way is up and our finances are in the toilet by the grace of God all but one month mortgage is paid till SS kicks in but I continually struggle to pay for the necessities of life I have to stop and think about everything, credit cards are maxed, overdraft loans are maxed savings is down to about a hundred dollars so all my reliance is now fully on God and that is an uneasy place to be I know it shouldn't be after all the awesome things God has done but it is :( We had our futre planned out Gary made a descent wage I was a Full time Mom and now everything is in Flux and days like today all that flux gets a lot overwhelming please continue to pray..

Wow I am so so so glad this week is over. Gary has had a marked decline in health and for the first time he told me that he has had moments where he has prayed God will take him home. To hear him say that just broke my heart this week. He has always been such a fighter but this week his fight is leaving. He has gotten to the point where he needs help with everything from medications to going to the bathroom and that just kills him inside. This big strong man that spent a life time helping others and being strong for others cant even go to the bathroom in the bathroom anymore and it is ripping his insides worse then the cancer is. I am not sure what the future will hold for my big man but I do know that he is in Gods hands but it is so hard to leave him there.
Finances continue to be the second biggest stressor in my life. I remember reading the biography of George Meuller and telling God wow wouldn't it be awesome to have the kind of faith that he had, I just didn't know that God would take that as a challenge. I get so angry with myself because mornings like this morning when I noticed I have 12 dollars in my checking account and an empty gas tank and I found out that our disability check would be 6 days latter than I thought.I am still not sure how I am going to get gas or any other necessities but I WAS able to pay my mortgage thanks to God laying it on the heart of a saint. I have seen God provide in ways that surprise me in such amazing ways but I still freak out when I come against a financial issues you would think I would learn by now.
Please continue to be in prayer for this family with so much going on and so much threatening to happen we are all on edge and all though we are desperately trying to sit back in Gods hands and trust him with the details it is so difficult so much unknown so much fear for tomorrow. Thank you all for walking with us through this horrible shadowland we are grateful for all that has come along side of us.

Another wild and crazy day :(

Today we faced a new issue. Gary has had times when he has been out of sorts before but full on hallucinations that is new. Heading to work this morning he seemed out of sorts I really didn't think much of it because I woke him up and when you wake me up I get out of sorts. I began to get a little worried as I got updates from my Mom he was throwing his remotes on the floor tossing his blankets just doing some weird stuff. When I got home I went in his room and the items on his table were scattered all over the floor and his sheets were in a ball at the side of his bed and he was batting the air, mumbling and air walking. Needless to say that alarmed me enough to call the Hospice nurse. She came by within a half an hour, she took his BP and His oxygen and observed him for a while and she seems to think he was feeling really bad in the middle of the night and probably took to many of the anti nausea meds to close together and he had to sleep it off. We took ALL his meds away from him and began "operation daddy check". We all took turns checking on him and recovering him. Thankfully tonight he seemed to begin to come around a little. He was actually a little irritated that we moved his meds and his remotes but we told him moving the meds was nurses orders and moving the remotes well that is our safety we didn't want to get a remote pitched at us when we came in. He is back asleep now I pray he sleeps peacefully and wakes up tomorrow back to his old self. Days like today scare me to DEATH. I worry about him so much and it just kills me watching the girls react to days like this. Merry especially she helped me a lot today and witnessed more of Daddy's loopiness than the other girls and I noticed her this afternoon sitting in His room quiet and she was holding her American Girl Doll and just crying. I don't know what is worse seeing the love of my life suffer like today or watch these precious babies watch their Daddy go thru all this. I hate that they are versed in the names of Chemo and all the terminology that goes with Cancer. I always took great pride in sheltering them from the world and allowing him to just be kids then Cancer invaded and they have had to grow up alot in a short amount of time. They have been amazingly strong I remember when my dad was ill and passed away my adult sisters and I had some real issues how in the heck do these young ones deal with this. Sometimes they don't and drive me even more crazy than I all ready am but I couldn't make it with out my girls and my Mom and all my friends I am so very blessed. A catch phrase in "the church" is too blessed to be stressed well I am so very blessed but still stressed but thankfully serve an amazing God that understands and loves me anyway :)
Tonight Merry tripped and fell on her bed and broke her bed frame we took the frame to the trash and put her bed on the floor and she just collapsed on the bed and said I wish it was October. Naturally I thought that being her birth month I figured it was a longing sigh for what she wants for her birthday( Kananni the AG Doll) but she said "no well finally holding Kannani will be magic but by then Daddy will be done with chemo and his cancer will be gone and he will be old daddy again" (insert knife deep into my heart) Sigh these poor girls how do you handle this at 10, 12 and 14 I dunno :(
I guess we will do all we can do and put one foot in front of the other count our blessings and trust God with the rest. Thank you for your continued prayers....

What an Amazing Day

Well Saturday came and was even more amazing then I had ever thought or imagined. At one point we had FIFTY people here FIFTY. It was a tornado of love. People we knew people we didn't know church friends,work friends neighbors of friends who heard about the work day and came out as a family to help the day was just amazing. We had a literal ton of stuff that went to the dump and another ton of stuff that went to a thrift store that supports an amazing orphanage in Africa. We even were able to bless a few people with odds and ends that they found. To look around the house now you just have to smile the things I thought they were going to do the kitchen floor and the carpet and then the surprises the new acoustic tiles in the living room and the shower repair in my bathroom. All the things that have just been such a burden the last couple of years DONE in one day. I pulled into the driveway today and saw my clean garage and thought, this is the house that Love built. On top of all the enormous blessings we had two of the three months of mortgage paid one by a friend and some of Gary's coworkers. WOW was the word of the day and the end of the day caped off by fireworks outside my window. I just started weeping with joy, this day will live in my memory and my heart forever. Thank you all who made Saturday happen you will never know what you did for our family it just wasn't paint and tile it was a refreshing for our heart and soul thank you from the bottom of my heart we will never forget the love we felt that day..

Overwhelmed but in a good way

We are just a little over 30 hours away from the Schriver Makeover Day. Everyone in the house is so excited about the changes in the house fresh paint, fresh floors, things sorted and cleaned and over all simplified. The count now is 23 people who RSVPed on Facebook and there are others who are not on Facebook that will be there. It is so very overwhelming to think that all those people are giving up their Saturday on 4th of July weekend to come out and help us. It blows my mind to even think about it. It is really funny Gary and I both spent a life time thinking we were not likable and people just sorta put up with us (I know it is silly just being real here) and to see how people pour out their love to us during this time I feel like Sally Field when she accepted the Academy Award "They like me they really like me". In the last few months this whole family has just had the stuffing loved out of them and this workday is the highpoint of all the love.
Most people don't realize that Gary has been feeling the effects of the cancer for well over three years now, he knew it was cancer in 2009 but that just put a name on what he had been feeling for a while. During that time he was just not able to do the things that he used to do and the girls and I would try to fill in some of the blanks but things have gotten in such disarray and it just eats at Gary and this workday is going to help give him peace that all those honey do lists will finally get done.
Thank you just doesn't convey my gratitude to all the people who are making Saturday possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart all of you who will give your time and energy and finances to help my family. You will be refreshing our home and more importantly our souls.

Oh and another way God is so good our mortgage got paid this month by an amazing angel who had been going through a storm of their own but still is there for us. I am friends with some pretty cool people and I am grateful to God for each one of you in my life and for the new friends I will make on work day. Oh and we are down to 29 hours now :} so excited EEEEe

I had a meeting today with my two friends that are heading up the work day at my house on Saturday.I found out that we get to get carpet in our family room. This room is 380 square feet and has the nastiest carpet with no pad at all and now it is going to be replaced with a beautiful tanish carpet. My girls are so so thrilled about their rooms their inspirations for their room is the other picture. We are also going to get the torn nasty flooring up in our kitchen replaced. These two spaces will make such a HUGE difference in our house it is going to just breathe some life back into our house. On the agenda is a bunch of yard clean up, furniture moving and garage cleaning. We are going to get rid of two broken sofas and will be down to one so we are going to have to get creative for sitting in that room but to FINALLY see that room looking good is truly a dream come true :). I am also excited that my sister is coming in tomorrow she and her husband are going to be here to help us with some prep work and they will be here to help on the work day too. I promise I will post before and after shots so you all can see my house go from sad to glad :).
Unfortunately where there is excitement there is also GREAT fear. This week is the week I have been fearing since before Christmas the week I am going to have to pay bills with less than HALF of what Gary's paycheck was. Mortgage is not getting paid at all and I am praying for a miracle in paying the rest of the bills. I woke up this morning at 6:30 and just sat in bed worrying how in the heck am I going to pay everything and what bills can I fudge on what bills HAVE to get paid. "Should I go and try to get a job?", but how would I work with Gary needing me so much and the kids, not sure what I would do with them. I ran through every scenario in my head and came up with no good solution. I hate to admit this but I HATE "trusting God" I want to do it. Like the meals that are so generously being prepared for us I would MUCH rather make you a meal then accept a meal given to us it is easier to be the giver not the givee in the same way it is easier to put your trust in yourself then put your trust in God. During my early morning worry session I was really hoping God would come down and give this great Mosaic type proclamation about finances and working and how in the heck I am gonna pay my bills but instead he told me Psalm 121:1 and 2 "I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth." So this week I am going to enjoy the love that will be showered onto this family on Saturday pray blessings on all that help make that day possible and look to the maker of heaven and earth to help me pay my bills, heal my husband and help my girls and see us through this difficult time.

The Lighter side of life

Things have been pretty heavy lately.A bunch of worries about health and money. Last week my ten year old read my blog and spent the entire day doing her best Damian imitation until we had a nice talk that night. So with all the heavy posts filled with concerns and prayer requests I want to take a minute and remember the Gary that cancer hasn't taken away but has hid him lately enjoy this video of Gary's truly wonderful singing skills ;)

Stuff on my Mind

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. Gary's health has been "iffy" at best, I have been warned by the Hospice nurse that this is how people act right before they die :( He has another bought of blood in his urine which scared the stew out of us all, this was not tainted slightly this was solid blood. Luckily the antibiotics did the trick so I am assuming that it was just another UTI.

Something happened today that really got me worried. He grabbed my hand right before I was about to run a few errands held on to it tighter that he had for a long time, started crying and said don't be long please. He hasn't EVER done that before I just looked at him and he was afraid of being without me. On one hand that makes me feel loved that he values my presence so much that it upsets him when I am not there but on the other hand it makes me feel horrible because I have three teenagers that have to maintain a sense of normalcy and have places to go and people to see and they want mommy there to be with them. How am I supposed to do it all? How do I split my time and attention up? How do I make everyone feel as loved as they are? I told Gary this week I really wish I could clone myself! I could use one to be his wife one to be the girls mom and one to handle all the administrative crap I have to go thru to get stuff started disability wise for Gary.

I also have my mortgage on my mind how in the world am I gonna pay it the next three months till social security comes through, this scares the girls too they worry we will be homeless. I try to tell them and myself (I need reminding) that God has blessed us abundantly and he will continue to look out for us. My favorite saying is God watches out for children and fools and we have both over here lol. It is amazing how heavy money issues can weigh on your mind the shoe box of medical bills, schooling in the fall, birthdays and so on and so on. I know that verse about consider the lilies and I believe it, I have seen it so abundantly the last two years God continuously surprises us with blessings. I even have a bunch of the blessings chronicled here on this blog but just as obstinate as the Israelites were I continuously doubt God. When I see a Red Sea of "stuff" that threatens to drown us it is hard to remember that God can part the sea and let you walk over on dry land.

One amazing blessing in our life is a work day that some dear friends are organizing. They are coming into our home and help fix it up and mend all the things that have been neglected the last few years while our minds have been consumed with cancer. They even have the first donation that will help make this day a reality. The people that are organizing this and will work it and the people who donate to make it happen have no idea the fresh air this will breathe into our family it will allow us to just take a deep breathe and relax :) So I pray all Gods blessings on all that have any part in this day I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am going to be completely selfish and ask for your prayers for me this week I am having to be all things to all people, figure out how to make some money while not leaving the house and a host of other things that my brain hurts to much to think about. I have been doing alot of that stuff for quit a while and the problem is I am exhausted emotionally, physically and in all other ways I need a new touch from God one that will help me to finish the race He has before me.

Look for lots of pictures and maybe even a video from that work day that has us all excited here :)

Another serious prayer request is that I found out Hospice wont pay for Affinitor and our doc wont help because they say hospice has to do it and I am not sure how we are going to get another round of it. This is just another thing Satan is using to slowly morph me into Ms Clause.

Thank you all for walking this Journey with us. draft

It has been a rough couple of weeks in the Schriver house. Daddy has felt really bad and has had a lot of problems we had to address. Hospice has been an invaluable recourse for us we have had to call the 24 hour hot line 3 times in the last 2 weeks and they have come to the house and even had medications delivered (a service I could grow fond of :). We have noticed this week a marked decrease in Gary's strength he sleeps the majority of the time rarely if ever gets out of bed and hasn't eaten solid food in 2 weeks. Last night I brought him apple sauce in a pouch and said lets eat something, he was being an obedient husband (took me 16 years to train him lol) and began to choke on the apple sauce he even ended up aspirating some of it and threw up everywhere. Seeing times like that make me worry and it has made the girls worry that daddy isn't getting any better and in fact he is declining. My girls have been such a help to me taking care of Daddy they love to call me a wimp because I cannot stand vomit or bodily fluids it makes me gag but they have no problem with it and they LOVE taking the pail Daddy throws up in and wave it under my face they think seeing me squirm is hilarious. My girls don't come to me and share because they know it makes me upset but they go to my mom and share and now they have phones so they text other family members and that is so invaluable for them they need that. We have had to deal with some pretty significant behavioral issues lately which I know is totally common but when you are all ready stressed to the max you tend to have behavioral issues back. I have filled my days with apt we have some kind of Hospice person pretty much everyday come besides emergencies and then in my spare time I have books of paper work to fill out. I was able to get his disability insurance from work started but we are still waiting on social security. Please be in prayer that they approve his claim and soon so we can continue to make our mortgage payment.
We were so worried this month about making our mortgage and God just timed payments to where we are able to make our mortgage and even pay some registration fees for the kids school in the fall so I know God will come through with social security but prayers are still appreciated. Also please pray for strength for all of us and patience and a supernatural peace to be on us all during this time. Everything the kids know and feel safe in is being threatened with Daddy being sick. My security too we had a perfect life he was the bread winner and paid the bills and yelled at me when I spent to much money and I took care of the home and the kids and schooled them and we were partners in everything we were a team now its just me paying bills running the house (my Mom is a life saver with the house) taking care of the kids, of him coordinating His care organizing the paper work attempting to earn some income on top of all the stuff with the kids and I am slowly being worn out I have not slept for more than a couple of hours every night this week constantly checking on Gary or helping him through some depression issues, wrangling kids who are on edge making sure they don't miss if daddy needs them. We are a huge mess right now and so prayers are so appreciated. We are all having to remind ourselves that our security,mortgage payment and money all comes from Gods hands and He has not let us down Thank you Lord for walking with us through this fiery furnace but anytime you want to let us out of the furnace that would be great too.