Almost two years to the day ....

Someone was asking me exactly when he got diagnosed and frankly the last two years have been one gigantic BLUR so I said I will go back to my blog and find out. Our life began this horrifying spiral on August 6th 2009. That day while cooking dinner I got a phone call from Gary that the doctor called and told it was CANCER. Since then he has gone from one radiation treatment and chemo round to another. The following is His words from that first family update which turned into the blog we now write...
"I got a call from my primary the same day saying that the radiology report came back saying that appeared to be metastatic bone cancer of the pelvis extending from my right hip around my lumbar back to my left hip. He said we didn't know for sure but if it was cancer that we needed to jump on things quickly. This all happened last Thursday (8/6) afternoon, so we were terrified to say the least, but trusting God that He would see us through this. He is the Healer!"

Two years latter we are still terrified and still trusting God...

Uncertain times

It has been a VERY difficult several days here at the Schriver's. Saturday had a pretty good day we even watched a movie with him in his room. Sunday night he woke me up and called me into his room and said very panicked "I think I am dying" he had trouble breathing and was VERY agitated and panicked. We called the Hospice nurse in at 4 am and he said that he was breathing well and his BP was good so he gave him some meds to control his anxiety and he went to sleep. The next day he was less awake then the day before and when he was awake he started having trouble getting his words out. The next day he slept most of the time and he could barely speak at all. I have not really slept these days and last night my mother in law came over and spent the evening in his room allowing me to get a few hours of sleep. Today he has been VERY restless moaning and groaning most of the day he has been very restless. The future for my sweet man is so uncertain it is terrifying to think of how ill he has become. I think back to conversations about his Great grandmother who was in a coma for 10 years before she passed away he said "I pray I am never like that a sound mind in a body that doesn't work" unfortunately that is what he is right now I know that HE is in there and he is trying to communicate and be there but his body is just not doing what he wants it to do. My little one was so excited tonight she leaned over his bed and whispered "I love you daddy" and he whispered back "I love you too" she was so excited she got an I love you :(. Please continue to pray for this family as we go through this new season of uncertainty please pray that no matter what happens God will instill his peace in us all.

Praise report God has provided in such amazing unexpected ways and we have shampoo and milk and cereal and the kids favorite TWO boxes of easy mac :) I thank all of you who provided meals or groceries or gift cards to us it has taken such a burden of of us and we have been able to focus on our sweet man. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Blessings :)

Last week I had a mini break down. The stress of all that has been happening just got the better of me. A husband/best friend who kept telling me he wanted to go home, a disability check that came SEVEN days late, kids that were going ballistic from all that has happened, a ten year old who told me she wished she would die so she wouldn't have to face life anymore :( Late bills yada yada yada the list of stresses just goes on and on. I was thinking if I was God (thank goodness I am not) I would have handled me like the crazy woman passenger in the movie Airplane where all the people on the plane took turns smacking the mess out of her. But instead God just did what every good parent should do he waited until I was done with my tantrum and just gave up. Then God just said "if your done will you trust me"?? I wish I emphatically said YES I TRUST YOU GOD but it was more like go for it give it your best shot!! I think God must like a challenge because wow He began this string of blessings that really surprised me. Friday I got a facebook from a high school friend who said that her sister had a "few" things for us we met her on Saturday and the word few is not the propper description it was a huge box and about 6 reusable grocery bags worth of food and it included awesome things. I was chatting with her outside my car I kept hearing my little one squeal oo peanut butter, oo easy mac ooo cereal ooo ooo ooo it was HUGE all those toiletres and paper products we hadn't been able to get was in those bags. SHAMPOO was in there good stuff too. Meat and basic staples it was such an amazing blessing I think the highlight was a half gallon of chocolate milk it was gone about an hour after we got home :) Saturday afternoon the prodigal disability check FINALLY came and I paid all my bills online that night and boy that felt so good. There was a low point in the weekend Gary fell last night and we had to have the paramedics come and help him up and then had to have a visit from one of the hunky male nurses ( that was not so bad;). Thankfully he was not hurt he was a little sore this morning but ok. My wonderful father in law asked me last night if we wanted him to come and sit with Gary while we went to church and normally I would have said NO you go to church but I think that the girls really needed that break and so did I. Church was amazing just seeing my friends at church and getting all those hugs just breathes life back into my soul. We also got a great card and a check from a new friend. New friends that is one of the side benefits from that work day people who I knew of I now call them friends. We were also blessed with three meals and money to get a fourth. WE NOW HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE :) I assure you we were not skipping any meals and I could stand to skip a few but the basic Staples we ran out of and it is such a stress to not have something and not have the money to get it. At points the kids would just wail WE HAVE NO FOOD :( lol translation we didn't have any easy mac, cereal, milk or cheese pizza.
I am a little nervous about what next week will bring Gary still feels really bad and he continues to have trouble breathing even with the oxygen so please pray that Gods will will be done this week and that the peace that passes all understanding will be on us all no matter what happens this week. We really value all your prayers and thank you all so much for all the special ways we have been so blessed.Thank you for loving me through my tantrums too :)

Strong enough

Yesterday my ten year old snuggled close with the ipad and said "here listen to this I think we both need this right now". This song says exactly how I feel. Thanks Merry for reminding me of the song.

Update from last post the mortgage did get reposted and went thru fine (deep breathe) Thank you Lord !!!

just some wild faithless ranting plz ignore

I woke up this morning and found that the mortgage did not go through because something else went through and was about 5 dollars off. I just want to scream some days, I am praying after an email to the mortger they will resubmit and all will be ok but it is just so FRUSTRATING. I am frustrated at the seemingly ENDLESS financial struggles, I should just be rejoicing and dancing with all the miracles that God has performed in our finances but I am so TIRED of having to pray and ask for those miracles. I just want things back to normal with a normal paycheck. Right now we are relying on God for EVERYTHING from gas to food to mortgage everything. I cant even go pick up my shampoo from the store yet cause his check hasn't come yet. It is so wonderful and amazing to see how people have walked with us and stood with us with meals and that work day wow that was cool. I want to be the one that stands with someone now. I am tired of waking up and praying that Gary hadn't passed away in his sleep. I am tired of worrying every time I leave the house that when I get back I will have missed saying goodbye to him. I hate the seemingly endless visits from nurses and social workers and bath ladies. I am SICK of having Hospice on speed dial. I am sick of answering questions like "is daddy gonna die" and "will you send us to the orphanage if Daddy dies". I am sick of trying to figure out what I will do as a job to support my family if something happends to Gary.I am sick of behavior issues from kids who haven't got the emotional maturity to deal with life (who does). I am sick of making plans with a disclaimer explaining that if Gary gets sick I am not gonna be there. I am so sick of writing birthday cards for Gary for the girls to have if he is not here to celebrate with them. I am sick of busting out in to random fits of tears. I am sick of tension headaches. I am sick of my life I want things to go back to normal I want to spend too much money and have Gary yell at me. I want Gary to come in the bedroom door with pop tarts with a heart made from food coloring on it. I want to sit next to Gary in church. I want Merry to mouth off to me not knowing Gary is around the corner and to see the "oh crap" look on her face because Daddy does not allow Mommy to be disrespected. I want to get super anxious about something and have Gary come in hold me and instantly calming me down then pray for me. I am just so DONE with this nightmare we have been living. I had a dear friend prayed over me a week before Gary was diagnosed and said God told her that "I was enough". For the last two years I held onto those words but now I am beginning to really doubt that. I am not even close to enough I am half of a whole trying to do the work of a whole plus some and I am faltering. Please pray for this family Gary keeps telling me he is ready to go home to be with Jesus, My girls are so anxious they don't know which way is up and our finances are in the toilet by the grace of God all but one month mortgage is paid till SS kicks in but I continually struggle to pay for the necessities of life I have to stop and think about everything, credit cards are maxed, overdraft loans are maxed savings is down to about a hundred dollars so all my reliance is now fully on God and that is an uneasy place to be I know it shouldn't be after all the awesome things God has done but it is :( We had our futre planned out Gary made a descent wage I was a Full time Mom and now everything is in Flux and days like today all that flux gets a lot overwhelming please continue to pray..

Wow I am so so so glad this week is over. Gary has had a marked decline in health and for the first time he told me that he has had moments where he has prayed God will take him home. To hear him say that just broke my heart this week. He has always been such a fighter but this week his fight is leaving. He has gotten to the point where he needs help with everything from medications to going to the bathroom and that just kills him inside. This big strong man that spent a life time helping others and being strong for others cant even go to the bathroom in the bathroom anymore and it is ripping his insides worse then the cancer is. I am not sure what the future will hold for my big man but I do know that he is in Gods hands but it is so hard to leave him there.
Finances continue to be the second biggest stressor in my life. I remember reading the biography of George Meuller and telling God wow wouldn't it be awesome to have the kind of faith that he had, I just didn't know that God would take that as a challenge. I get so angry with myself because mornings like this morning when I noticed I have 12 dollars in my checking account and an empty gas tank and I found out that our disability check would be 6 days latter than I thought.I am still not sure how I am going to get gas or any other necessities but I WAS able to pay my mortgage thanks to God laying it on the heart of a saint. I have seen God provide in ways that surprise me in such amazing ways but I still freak out when I come against a financial issues you would think I would learn by now.
Please continue to be in prayer for this family with so much going on and so much threatening to happen we are all on edge and all though we are desperately trying to sit back in Gods hands and trust him with the details it is so difficult so much unknown so much fear for tomorrow. Thank you all for walking with us through this horrible shadowland we are grateful for all that has come along side of us.

Another wild and crazy day :(

Today we faced a new issue. Gary has had times when he has been out of sorts before but full on hallucinations that is new. Heading to work this morning he seemed out of sorts I really didn't think much of it because I woke him up and when you wake me up I get out of sorts. I began to get a little worried as I got updates from my Mom he was throwing his remotes on the floor tossing his blankets just doing some weird stuff. When I got home I went in his room and the items on his table were scattered all over the floor and his sheets were in a ball at the side of his bed and he was batting the air, mumbling and air walking. Needless to say that alarmed me enough to call the Hospice nurse. She came by within a half an hour, she took his BP and His oxygen and observed him for a while and she seems to think he was feeling really bad in the middle of the night and probably took to many of the anti nausea meds to close together and he had to sleep it off. We took ALL his meds away from him and began "operation daddy check". We all took turns checking on him and recovering him. Thankfully tonight he seemed to begin to come around a little. He was actually a little irritated that we moved his meds and his remotes but we told him moving the meds was nurses orders and moving the remotes well that is our safety we didn't want to get a remote pitched at us when we came in. He is back asleep now I pray he sleeps peacefully and wakes up tomorrow back to his old self. Days like today scare me to DEATH. I worry about him so much and it just kills me watching the girls react to days like this. Merry especially she helped me a lot today and witnessed more of Daddy's loopiness than the other girls and I noticed her this afternoon sitting in His room quiet and she was holding her American Girl Doll and just crying. I don't know what is worse seeing the love of my life suffer like today or watch these precious babies watch their Daddy go thru all this. I hate that they are versed in the names of Chemo and all the terminology that goes with Cancer. I always took great pride in sheltering them from the world and allowing him to just be kids then Cancer invaded and they have had to grow up alot in a short amount of time. They have been amazingly strong I remember when my dad was ill and passed away my adult sisters and I had some real issues how in the heck do these young ones deal with this. Sometimes they don't and drive me even more crazy than I all ready am but I couldn't make it with out my girls and my Mom and all my friends I am so very blessed. A catch phrase in "the church" is too blessed to be stressed well I am so very blessed but still stressed but thankfully serve an amazing God that understands and loves me anyway :)
Tonight Merry tripped and fell on her bed and broke her bed frame we took the frame to the trash and put her bed on the floor and she just collapsed on the bed and said I wish it was October. Naturally I thought that being her birth month I figured it was a longing sigh for what she wants for her birthday( Kananni the AG Doll) but she said "no well finally holding Kannani will be magic but by then Daddy will be done with chemo and his cancer will be gone and he will be old daddy again" (insert knife deep into my heart) Sigh these poor girls how do you handle this at 10, 12 and 14 I dunno :(
I guess we will do all we can do and put one foot in front of the other count our blessings and trust God with the rest. Thank you for your continued prayers....

What an Amazing Day

Well Saturday came and was even more amazing then I had ever thought or imagined. At one point we had FIFTY people here FIFTY. It was a tornado of love. People we knew people we didn't know church friends,work friends neighbors of friends who heard about the work day and came out as a family to help the day was just amazing. We had a literal ton of stuff that went to the dump and another ton of stuff that went to a thrift store that supports an amazing orphanage in Africa. We even were able to bless a few people with odds and ends that they found. To look around the house now you just have to smile the things I thought they were going to do the kitchen floor and the carpet and then the surprises the new acoustic tiles in the living room and the shower repair in my bathroom. All the things that have just been such a burden the last couple of years DONE in one day. I pulled into the driveway today and saw my clean garage and thought, this is the house that Love built. On top of all the enormous blessings we had two of the three months of mortgage paid one by a friend and some of Gary's coworkers. WOW was the word of the day and the end of the day caped off by fireworks outside my window. I just started weeping with joy, this day will live in my memory and my heart forever. Thank you all who made Saturday happen you will never know what you did for our family it just wasn't paint and tile it was a refreshing for our heart and soul thank you from the bottom of my heart we will never forget the love we felt that day..

Overwhelmed but in a good way

We are just a little over 30 hours away from the Schriver Makeover Day. Everyone in the house is so excited about the changes in the house fresh paint, fresh floors, things sorted and cleaned and over all simplified. The count now is 23 people who RSVPed on Facebook and there are others who are not on Facebook that will be there. It is so very overwhelming to think that all those people are giving up their Saturday on 4th of July weekend to come out and help us. It blows my mind to even think about it. It is really funny Gary and I both spent a life time thinking we were not likable and people just sorta put up with us (I know it is silly just being real here) and to see how people pour out their love to us during this time I feel like Sally Field when she accepted the Academy Award "They like me they really like me". In the last few months this whole family has just had the stuffing loved out of them and this workday is the highpoint of all the love.
Most people don't realize that Gary has been feeling the effects of the cancer for well over three years now, he knew it was cancer in 2009 but that just put a name on what he had been feeling for a while. During that time he was just not able to do the things that he used to do and the girls and I would try to fill in some of the blanks but things have gotten in such disarray and it just eats at Gary and this workday is going to help give him peace that all those honey do lists will finally get done.
Thank you just doesn't convey my gratitude to all the people who are making Saturday possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart all of you who will give your time and energy and finances to help my family. You will be refreshing our home and more importantly our souls.

Oh and another way God is so good our mortgage got paid this month by an amazing angel who had been going through a storm of their own but still is there for us. I am friends with some pretty cool people and I am grateful to God for each one of you in my life and for the new friends I will make on work day. Oh and we are down to 29 hours now :} so excited EEEEe

I had a meeting today with my two friends that are heading up the work day at my house on Saturday.I found out that we get to get carpet in our family room. This room is 380 square feet and has the nastiest carpet with no pad at all and now it is going to be replaced with a beautiful tanish carpet. My girls are so so thrilled about their rooms their inspirations for their room is the other picture. We are also going to get the torn nasty flooring up in our kitchen replaced. These two spaces will make such a HUGE difference in our house it is going to just breathe some life back into our house. On the agenda is a bunch of yard clean up, furniture moving and garage cleaning. We are going to get rid of two broken sofas and will be down to one so we are going to have to get creative for sitting in that room but to FINALLY see that room looking good is truly a dream come true :). I am also excited that my sister is coming in tomorrow she and her husband are going to be here to help us with some prep work and they will be here to help on the work day too. I promise I will post before and after shots so you all can see my house go from sad to glad :).
Unfortunately where there is excitement there is also GREAT fear. This week is the week I have been fearing since before Christmas the week I am going to have to pay bills with less than HALF of what Gary's paycheck was. Mortgage is not getting paid at all and I am praying for a miracle in paying the rest of the bills. I woke up this morning at 6:30 and just sat in bed worrying how in the heck am I going to pay everything and what bills can I fudge on what bills HAVE to get paid. "Should I go and try to get a job?", but how would I work with Gary needing me so much and the kids, not sure what I would do with them. I ran through every scenario in my head and came up with no good solution. I hate to admit this but I HATE "trusting God" I want to do it. Like the meals that are so generously being prepared for us I would MUCH rather make you a meal then accept a meal given to us it is easier to be the giver not the givee in the same way it is easier to put your trust in yourself then put your trust in God. During my early morning worry session I was really hoping God would come down and give this great Mosaic type proclamation about finances and working and how in the heck I am gonna pay my bills but instead he told me Psalm 121:1 and 2 "I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth." So this week I am going to enjoy the love that will be showered onto this family on Saturday pray blessings on all that help make that day possible and look to the maker of heaven and earth to help me pay my bills, heal my husband and help my girls and see us through this difficult time.

The Lighter side of life

Things have been pretty heavy lately.A bunch of worries about health and money. Last week my ten year old read my blog and spent the entire day doing her best Damian imitation until we had a nice talk that night. So with all the heavy posts filled with concerns and prayer requests I want to take a minute and remember the Gary that cancer hasn't taken away but has hid him lately enjoy this video of Gary's truly wonderful singing skills ;)

Stuff on my Mind

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. Gary's health has been "iffy" at best, I have been warned by the Hospice nurse that this is how people act right before they die :( He has another bought of blood in his urine which scared the stew out of us all, this was not tainted slightly this was solid blood. Luckily the antibiotics did the trick so I am assuming that it was just another UTI.

Something happened today that really got me worried. He grabbed my hand right before I was about to run a few errands held on to it tighter that he had for a long time, started crying and said don't be long please. He hasn't EVER done that before I just looked at him and he was afraid of being without me. On one hand that makes me feel loved that he values my presence so much that it upsets him when I am not there but on the other hand it makes me feel horrible because I have three teenagers that have to maintain a sense of normalcy and have places to go and people to see and they want mommy there to be with them. How am I supposed to do it all? How do I split my time and attention up? How do I make everyone feel as loved as they are? I told Gary this week I really wish I could clone myself! I could use one to be his wife one to be the girls mom and one to handle all the administrative crap I have to go thru to get stuff started disability wise for Gary.

I also have my mortgage on my mind how in the world am I gonna pay it the next three months till social security comes through, this scares the girls too they worry we will be homeless. I try to tell them and myself (I need reminding) that God has blessed us abundantly and he will continue to look out for us. My favorite saying is God watches out for children and fools and we have both over here lol. It is amazing how heavy money issues can weigh on your mind the shoe box of medical bills, schooling in the fall, birthdays and so on and so on. I know that verse about consider the lilies and I believe it, I have seen it so abundantly the last two years God continuously surprises us with blessings. I even have a bunch of the blessings chronicled here on this blog but just as obstinate as the Israelites were I continuously doubt God. When I see a Red Sea of "stuff" that threatens to drown us it is hard to remember that God can part the sea and let you walk over on dry land.

One amazing blessing in our life is a work day that some dear friends are organizing. They are coming into our home and help fix it up and mend all the things that have been neglected the last few years while our minds have been consumed with cancer. They even have the first donation that will help make this day a reality. The people that are organizing this and will work it and the people who donate to make it happen have no idea the fresh air this will breathe into our family it will allow us to just take a deep breathe and relax :) So I pray all Gods blessings on all that have any part in this day I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am going to be completely selfish and ask for your prayers for me this week I am having to be all things to all people, figure out how to make some money while not leaving the house and a host of other things that my brain hurts to much to think about. I have been doing alot of that stuff for quit a while and the problem is I am exhausted emotionally, physically and in all other ways I need a new touch from God one that will help me to finish the race He has before me.

Look for lots of pictures and maybe even a video from that work day that has us all excited here :)

Another serious prayer request is that I found out Hospice wont pay for Affinitor and our doc wont help because they say hospice has to do it and I am not sure how we are going to get another round of it. This is just another thing Satan is using to slowly morph me into Ms Clause.

Thank you all for walking this Journey with us. draft

It has been a rough couple of weeks in the Schriver house. Daddy has felt really bad and has had a lot of problems we had to address. Hospice has been an invaluable recourse for us we have had to call the 24 hour hot line 3 times in the last 2 weeks and they have come to the house and even had medications delivered (a service I could grow fond of :). We have noticed this week a marked decrease in Gary's strength he sleeps the majority of the time rarely if ever gets out of bed and hasn't eaten solid food in 2 weeks. Last night I brought him apple sauce in a pouch and said lets eat something, he was being an obedient husband (took me 16 years to train him lol) and began to choke on the apple sauce he even ended up aspirating some of it and threw up everywhere. Seeing times like that make me worry and it has made the girls worry that daddy isn't getting any better and in fact he is declining. My girls have been such a help to me taking care of Daddy they love to call me a wimp because I cannot stand vomit or bodily fluids it makes me gag but they have no problem with it and they LOVE taking the pail Daddy throws up in and wave it under my face they think seeing me squirm is hilarious. My girls don't come to me and share because they know it makes me upset but they go to my mom and share and now they have phones so they text other family members and that is so invaluable for them they need that. We have had to deal with some pretty significant behavioral issues lately which I know is totally common but when you are all ready stressed to the max you tend to have behavioral issues back. I have filled my days with apt we have some kind of Hospice person pretty much everyday come besides emergencies and then in my spare time I have books of paper work to fill out. I was able to get his disability insurance from work started but we are still waiting on social security. Please be in prayer that they approve his claim and soon so we can continue to make our mortgage payment.
We were so worried this month about making our mortgage and God just timed payments to where we are able to make our mortgage and even pay some registration fees for the kids school in the fall so I know God will come through with social security but prayers are still appreciated. Also please pray for strength for all of us and patience and a supernatural peace to be on us all during this time. Everything the kids know and feel safe in is being threatened with Daddy being sick. My security too we had a perfect life he was the bread winner and paid the bills and yelled at me when I spent to much money and I took care of the home and the kids and schooled them and we were partners in everything we were a team now its just me paying bills running the house (my Mom is a life saver with the house) taking care of the kids, of him coordinating His care organizing the paper work attempting to earn some income on top of all the stuff with the kids and I am slowly being worn out I have not slept for more than a couple of hours every night this week constantly checking on Gary or helping him through some depression issues, wrangling kids who are on edge making sure they don't miss if daddy needs them. We are a huge mess right now and so prayers are so appreciated. We are all having to remind ourselves that our security,mortgage payment and money all comes from Gods hands and He has not let us down Thank you Lord for walking with us through this fiery furnace but anytime you want to let us out of the furnace that would be great too.

Today we had a dear lady from church come out and take our family photos and took special photos of Gary and the kids together. I have two family pictures now about a year and 4 months apart from each other. The one taken 16 months ago will be the image that I hold in my mind of our family that was really the last time Gary looked like Gary. I will cherish today's photos because they show us now a family that has been drawn even closer together by a horrible disease and a Daddy that even as sick as he is still came outside and even laid on the ground just to get a pic with his girls. Thank you and may God bless the amazing photographers in our life Jeff Westcott Photography and Rebecca Harvin you guys are so wonderful thank you for giving this family memories to cherish no matter what tomorrow holds!!!!!

A Step we were dreading

Tuesday I got called into a meeting with the social worker from our Oncologists office and she recommended that we bring in Hospice. I broke down in to tears to me this was the day I was dreading because in my mind this was it. If it was going to take Gary's hope away I was not going to bring them in. Thankfully it did not we found out that it would be an amazing benefit and he could continue the treatments he was all ready on. The information specialist came out Friday and told us the amazing care that they would provide and it was such a blessing. They are going to send a nurse out three or more times a week and a CNA to help with hygiene and a Chaplain and a volunteer to come out and spend some time with the kids giving them a some much needed special attention. I am still not thrilled with the idea of Community Hospice being such a HUGE part of our lives but I think it will be a huge blessing for this family. The social worker even said our days are numbered by God and Gary may outlive us all but we need to realize that the doctors cannot cure him but God still can but we need the services of Hospice until that day comes. Even the Hospice lady said we will gladly discharge you if God heals you and we will rejoice with you but lets take care of you now and that made us feel so much better. My heart still hurts every time I say the word HOSPICE but I am thanking God that this place is here to relieve some of the heaviness of the intense care that Gary needs right now and we can use this time to enjoy each other more.
Please continue to lift the entire family as we walk in to this new area please remember Gary's entire family this cancer effects so many and my heart breaks for his parents and brothers and grandmother I get to see him everyday I can put my hands on him as much as I want love on him whenever but they cant they have to observe from the outside and I know that has got to be so difficult.

Praise - Our God supplies all of our needs this week by Gods grace and His servants we had several needs filled in one evening and it was so overwhelming just to know that God knows all our needs and I thank God for the people He has blessed us with that listen to His leading and I pray that God would bless all that have sewn into us so very much
THANK YOU SO MUCH DEAR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WE ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR EACH OF YOU

Yesterday we celebrated Gary's 42nd Birthday it was a bitter sweet day. Sweet because honestly if you would have asked me at christmas if he was going to be here on his birthday, I would have told you, I seriously doubt it.Bitter because the whole party had to center around Gary's hospital bed.
He is to the point now he can stay awake for an hour or so but thats about it. I am exhausted the kids are going nuts with worry and misbehaving really really badly. Life is NUTS he has seven more days of radiaiton then it is back on the chemo.
I sometimes, well most of the time, am stressed beyond belief but God continues to suprise me with blessings. When my car broke down this weeek God sent me to a family mechanic who helped me with some deep discounts and then God provided for a good portion of the rest of the bill. We had food brought by a bunch of saints from church and then his work sent some food too so God has met us where we were and helped us. He hasnt gotten us out of the fire but He has walked with us thru the fire.
I am going between standing in faith and preparing myself for his funeral. If I seem really random right now thats about how I feel. If you think about us this week please pray for miracles as we finish up dissabilty at work and thu social securtity.
Most of all please oray that the healing we have all begged God for would happen and this family would have their Sweet Daddy back.

The Gift of a Meal

I went to church today and got blessed out of my socks we had 6 meals brought to church so we could put them in the freezer at home for the times that we need them. Life is so crazy right now with daily radiation visits and doctors visits along with all the other parts of life with thee teenagers we have been relying on fast food alot and we can neither afford it or need it health wise. The six wonderful saints that brought us meals will never know how much of a burden they lifted off of me this week. I know that I have done meals for people when I could but until I have gotten in the role of caretaker I never really appreciated how much meals help it doesn't matter if it is a frozen family size dinner or a box of fried chicken or home made spaghetti it is such an amazing special gift. Thank you all so much who have blessed our family and have helped ease the immense burden that has been placed on our family. I pray that God rewards you all 10 fold for your generosity. LOVE to all our friends we could not do it with out your help. We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and I think God every day for each of you.

Hospital stay

Gary went to his regular doctors apt on Thursday and he was so weak and in so much pain that they put him straight in the hospital. Thank God his Dad was there and he stayed with him while he got settled then his mom came and spent Thursday with him in the hospital. I went home and settled the children and got our bags packed and joined him in the hospital on Friday morning. While at the hospital they discovered the reason for the bad pain was an increase in the diffusion of the cancer in his right hip and left shoulder. That is not what we wanted to hear we wanted to hear it was going away :(. They were able to get him a walker and even a hospital bed to help his mobility. Those were delivered today and he is now sleeping comfortably in a nice new hospital bed. I take him to see the radiation oncologist on Monday for him to begin radiation treatments on the hip and shoulder in hopes that would alleviate his pain. Understandably he is scared his Independence is being threatened he feels like his life is being stripped from him one piece at a time and in a way it is. With this pain simple tasks like going to the bathroom have become almost impossible for him. The girls see his rapid decline the last couple weeks and it has scared them to death the idea of daddy not beating this cancer seems more real to them and it scares them Daddy is their best friend :(. I am just spent emotionally, physically, spiritually in all ways. I thank God for family and friends that help with the kids and help mow lawns and move furniture. Friday night the girls were picked up by one of the leaders at church and brought to a youth event and that just was the biggest stress relief for them they got to go and have fun and be a kid and not think about cancer and that just was such a blessing. We had visitors probably half the day on friday wich brightened both of us we also got what the volunteer said was the record for most "cheer cards" in one day :)and then a friend mowed our lawn today and family came and helped move stuff for the hospital bed they even helped me wheel gary in to the house. Thank you to all of you who participated in Operation Save Cindys sanity this weekend and operation Cheer Gary up:) Each and everyone of you are such a blessing we could not do it with out you.

A Caregivers Rant

Well we are at day 10 of the Affinitor it has been the most difficult chemo for Gary up to this point.He has been nauseous and has generally felt yucky but it is taxing his body so much he is barely awake anymore. It shatters my heart to be in his room and chatting with him his voice is barely over a whisper the majority of the time and he can barely stay awake and often falls asleep in mid conversation. He has not been able to shower in three weeks so I have been sponge bathing him. He is now experiencing almost debilitating pain in his hips and making it near impossible to even sit up for long much less walk around. The kids say they miss "fat daddy" since he is now over a 100 ponds lighter since Sept 10. They asked me tonight how are we going to take our Easter pictures this year since Daddy isn't with us at church?,that broke my heart this will be the first Easter in 20 years I will celebrate Easter without him. I now have it all on my shoulders His care, the home,the kids, upkeep of the home, finances everything. Gary and I used to be the perfect example of a marriage we were partners in every way but now bless his heart all he has in him is going to fight this disease. I think the kids have caught a clue to how overwhelmed I am and have been less needy and more helpful. I want our old life back I am tired of this one. I miss my husband so much, he is right in the next room but he cant come and snuggle anymore or fuss at me for spending to much money he cant do anything. He still is here but in away I have all ready lost him. This cancer just needs to go back to hell where it came from and leave us alone. God please strengthen my sweet mans body to fight this cancer and strengthen his spirit to fight depression. Lord please also help the girls and I we are all empty we need your touch Lord.

The Drug Finally Came

Well it took a solid week of fussing and fuming but the drug is now in our hot little hands :). Gary has now taken 4 doses it has caused him some liver pain and tummy issues but we are taking that as a good sign. Thank you for your continud prayers as he tries to fight this disease I have had my own battle learning to do the checkbook, learning to hook up a dvd player learning to do the things he used to it is sad and so very overwhelming. I never knew how much faith Gary had till I started doing the checkbook and now I realize he had to have an amazing faith to have gotten us this far with our finances lol. This whole family is tired overwhelmed and anxiety filled. Please pray for provision for this family as well as peace I miss peace :) God bless yall.