Thank you all for your prayers! We got home from a two day stay in the hospital. The thought that he might have a pulmonary embolism so needless to say we were anxious. Luckily the issues he had and are still dealing with are due to his low blood count and blood level. They gave him two units of blood and it helped him feel better some. He still may be at the doctor getting fluids tomorrow but no more hospital yeah. For being such a stressful week it had some real blessings in it too. A good friend started a card and hat fund campaign and we ended up getting at least a couple of cards in the mail every day for the last week it has been such a spirit boost to look at all those cool cards we posted them on the wall for Gary to look at every day. The first night in the hospital I was supposed to go out with friends to celebrate my birthday bur canceled because of needing to be there for Gary. They got take out and came and ate it at the hospital with me we laughed and cut up and had such a great time. Words can never express to them how much that meant to me. While I was visiting Gary got to visit with a pastor from our church, his moms church, his parents and brother and wife. Other than the whole hospital thing it was a great night . That evening when they started blood the nurse who we had talked about faith with shared such a perfect word for Gary and I exactly what we needed to hear and when she hung the blood she prayed over each bag as she hung it and that really blew me away how cool is that. Even the oncologist told us to be blessed when we left. Gary's parents were life savers yet again they second day they brought me a sub for lunch and a fan to help cool the room down. The fan made sleeping so much nicer:). Then mom sweet mom watched my girls for two straight days and I think she deserves a saint hood for that. They are naturally full of life but when daddy is sick they don't always know how to handle things and they can lash out and for that she deserves sainthood ;) I am so glad to be home know I am exhausted but feel so blessed too we had people bring us meals and just love on us and it's been so wonderful. You feel like with a family of friends behind you and a God who loves us and sends just the right hospital staff that together cancer dosent have a chance it's going down. Thank you to all my angels this week you all will never know how much your kindness has helped this tired woman and a worn out man keep fighting. We pray Gods double blessing on you all.

" Lord, in my time of need, give me confidence in Your ability
to hear my prayer and Your willingness to grant mercy and grace."
Evelyn Bence 2010 daily Guideposts

This is a prayer I have "borrowed" from Evelyn because the dark uncertain
times can some times make me forget that God is still there and is that fourth man
in the fire with us.
Thank you Lord for never being too far away.

Bald really is beautiful :)

This week has been a trying on to say the least. Tuesday Gary went for his weekly blood test and we thought that he was doing pretty good but when we got the results back his blood levels were dangerously low. We ended up being in the hospital for him getting a transfusion and we were not released till 3:30 am. We walked into the house at 4am and Cassie and Merry came running out to hug us, part of me was glad to see them the other side of me yelled GO TO BED :). Wednesday was pretty much a day of sleep but that evening I think Gary hit an extra low point he discovered that his hair was falling out. Boy when his hair let loose it let loose by the time we made it to the hair place on Friday he barely had any left at all. I have to say it was a lot harder to see him get shaved then I thought it would be. I am pleasantly surprised at how good he looked after it was done. I told him he really was very sexy bald (I know tmi). In my minds eye he still has hair and when I look over at him it reminds me of the difficult battle he is facing. I told him if he choose to go bald I would LOVE it but knowing why he is bald makes my heart hurt every time I look at him :(. Next week on Monday he gets a porta cath put in which will be so great for him not as much pain so I am so happy for that but we have to BE there at 5 am I am not so happy about that lol.. then Tuesday if his blood is okay then he will start 3 days of chemo and then a shot on Friday to help his immunity then he usually sleeps the weekend away after the chemo. Oh did I mention I turn 37 that week too. I have some friends who are taking me out on Tuesday for my birthday that will be an oasis for me this week, The kids keep asking what are you gonna do for your birthday and all I can say sit in the infusion center and help Gary, past that I don't think anything :( One priceless bday gift is my sweet man here to walk into another year of life with. I am so grateful that My middle and youngest daughters birthdays will fall on an off week for chemo so daddy should feel up to being at their party.
We are in such a difficult busy season right now please pray for us as we head into the holiday season. I swore this year no matter how tired I am that I will make this Holiday as special as possible. Last year we barely thought about the holidays and they past with barely a mention from us and I swore this year will not be like that. Last thanksgiving Gary was just released from the hospital and the trip up north we were planning got scrapped and thanks to an inpromptu trip to publix we did have turkey and fixins but they were all microwaveable sides and it pretty much was pathetic :( This year IS going to be different Thanksgiving may come from cracker barrel or Sonny's (it will be a chemo week ) but we will make it special. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and we need to celebrate and make memories every chance we can. So let me be the first to wish you all a happy special almost holiday season make memories and make it special..

Depressed

I'm seeing the first evidence that my hair is falling out. I'm not taking it as well as I thought I would. I don't consider myself vain, but it's still difficult. Between that and all we went through yesterday with the transfusion, I'm feeling very depressed.

God, help me out of this hole!

Lord, I put my trust in You. Let me not be ashamed! Amen!

Such an inspiration - Facing the Giants

When you think you don't have enough strength, keep pressing on:

Gary update 9/3/10 - So long, Moffitt!

I had a follow up appointment today with my radiation oncologist, regarding my latest PET scan. He was in full agreement with my doctor at Moffitt that chemo is the best option right now and is pleased that North Florida Hematology and Oncology at St. Vincent's is administering it as the two practices are so closely associated with one another.

We also met with him to discuss an issue that has been burdening us since my last two visits at Moffitt. We have loved the atmosphere at Moffitt. It is a very hope-filled place and we have encountered some very good doctors there; however, in my case, things have not gone well.

We have been going to Moffitt every 4-6 weeks since early December and have never gotten anywhere. He has run test after test with no success. When my radiation oncologist wanted to do a PET scan on me months ago, my Moffitt doctor overruled him and wanted instead to do a contrast CT scan because he said it was "more reliable" than PET. I gave in then because I wanted Moffitt to be my central coordinator of care, although I could tell that it was against my radiation oncologist's better judgment. It did not sit well with me either. Just a gut feeling at the time.

Again several months later, my radiation oncologist again suggested the PET scan because he said we needed to find a consistent test to determine the extent and spread of the cancer. In this case, against my Moffitt doctor's advice, I permitted the PET at the local office. I'm glad I did. This scan clearly showed cancer in my liver and my radiation oncologist wanted to jump on it then, but again was overruled by Moffitt who wanted to redo scans their way.

The three phase CT was done and came back negative, so my Moffitt doctor said there was nothing there and that "a PET scan would never show something that the CT scan wouldn't". He wanted me to come back in three months for another CT. It was after our insistence to the point of getting ugly that the Moffitt doctor agreed to redo the PET at all, and refused to allow it to be done here, but insisted that I go back to Moffitt.

This is when the "inexplicable" result came back clearly showing cancer. Only then did my Moffitt doctor do a 180 and suggest chemo and more aggressive therapy. What if we had waited three months as he originally wanted knowing what the second PET scan showed? If this has become aggressive as my radiation oncologist and THEN my Moffitt doctor determined, three months could have made a big difference!

Something that also happened at our last appointment that I did not mention in my previous updates is that my Moffitt doctor made the statement when we were arguing about the repeat PET scan that it "wouldn't change your prognosis". That's when the ball dropped.

If you recall, a similar negative experience is what led us away from Shands to Moffitt to begin with. I put confidence in the doctor at Moffitt at the time because he is a supposed neuroendocrine expert, but we felt as though he was standing blindfolded aiming at a dart board hoping to hit the bullseye. His "won't change your prognosis" line was really the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll tell you why.

When a doctor, any doctor, makes statements like this, and gives the tone or speech of "no hope", they cannot be giving 110% to fight for me. No matter what the statistics say, miracles happen every day, and it is no doctor's place to put a label on anyone that says "you have x amount of time to live". Life and death are in God's hands. When a doctor plays God, he or she is basically just half-heartedly throwing one treatment or another at me, but he is not really standing behind me to fight with me all the way no matter what it takes. He has tried to steal my hope. I will not tolerate that attitude and I won't! I didn't tolerate it from Shands and will not from Moffitt either, now matter what their reputation.

Both of my oncologists here in town have given me the best of care. They have fought side by side with me through this all and have earned my trust because of their diligence and their commitment to never give up no matter what. So we asked ourselves, "Why are we driving hundreds of miles every few weeks and spending thousands of dollars [to this point] on hotel rooms and things in Tampa when we're getting nowhere there." Every appointment has been one disappointment after another.

When we told my radiation oncologist today about what happened at Moffitt, the "prognosis" statement that was made, and the implication that a well-respected radiation oncologist like him didn't know how to read a PET scan infuriated him, and he had a few choice words to say that I can't repeat. :)

My radiation oncologist is the head of radiology for St. Vincent's. His office is also closely affiliated with my general oncologist's office and they have a great rapport between them. I am trusting them with my life, and I know they are fighting for me from more stories than I can tell here.

So after a LOT of deliberation, prayer, soul-searching, and consultation with my radiation oncologist, we have made the decision to pull away from Moffitt and to move the center of my care to North Florida Hematology and Oncology under my general oncologist as my primary onconogist working with my radiation oncologist for any further radiation and scans that may need to be done. Everything will be local with doctors that I have earned great respect for.

I know this may shock some. This is a sensitive decision that we DO NOT take lightly. We have wrestled with this for some time. We know what I am facing, we have no disillusions, but I have faith in God for healing and that he will use this team of cancer "bulldogs" who will tenaciously fight on my side with me and never give up just as I don't intend to give up.

I believe we have made the right decision. I'm sure many may disagree, but please respect that we are doing what we feel it is best, and Cindy and I are both in agreement with one another that we are doing the right thing, and have confirmation in our spirits that this is the right course.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. Thank you also for those who have sent so many encouraging cards and letters and have helped us in so many ways. God bless you all

We continue to press ahead towards VICTORY!