Stuff on my Mind

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. Gary's health has been "iffy" at best, I have been warned by the Hospice nurse that this is how people act right before they die :( He has another bought of blood in his urine which scared the stew out of us all, this was not tainted slightly this was solid blood. Luckily the antibiotics did the trick so I am assuming that it was just another UTI.

Something happened today that really got me worried. He grabbed my hand right before I was about to run a few errands held on to it tighter that he had for a long time, started crying and said don't be long please. He hasn't EVER done that before I just looked at him and he was afraid of being without me. On one hand that makes me feel loved that he values my presence so much that it upsets him when I am not there but on the other hand it makes me feel horrible because I have three teenagers that have to maintain a sense of normalcy and have places to go and people to see and they want mommy there to be with them. How am I supposed to do it all? How do I split my time and attention up? How do I make everyone feel as loved as they are? I told Gary this week I really wish I could clone myself! I could use one to be his wife one to be the girls mom and one to handle all the administrative crap I have to go thru to get stuff started disability wise for Gary.

I also have my mortgage on my mind how in the world am I gonna pay it the next three months till social security comes through, this scares the girls too they worry we will be homeless. I try to tell them and myself (I need reminding) that God has blessed us abundantly and he will continue to look out for us. My favorite saying is God watches out for children and fools and we have both over here lol. It is amazing how heavy money issues can weigh on your mind the shoe box of medical bills, schooling in the fall, birthdays and so on and so on. I know that verse about consider the lilies and I believe it, I have seen it so abundantly the last two years God continuously surprises us with blessings. I even have a bunch of the blessings chronicled here on this blog but just as obstinate as the Israelites were I continuously doubt God. When I see a Red Sea of "stuff" that threatens to drown us it is hard to remember that God can part the sea and let you walk over on dry land.

One amazing blessing in our life is a work day that some dear friends are organizing. They are coming into our home and help fix it up and mend all the things that have been neglected the last few years while our minds have been consumed with cancer. They even have the first donation that will help make this day a reality. The people that are organizing this and will work it and the people who donate to make it happen have no idea the fresh air this will breathe into our family it will allow us to just take a deep breathe and relax :) So I pray all Gods blessings on all that have any part in this day I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am going to be completely selfish and ask for your prayers for me this week I am having to be all things to all people, figure out how to make some money while not leaving the house and a host of other things that my brain hurts to much to think about. I have been doing alot of that stuff for quit a while and the problem is I am exhausted emotionally, physically and in all other ways I need a new touch from God one that will help me to finish the race He has before me.

Look for lots of pictures and maybe even a video from that work day that has us all excited here :)

Another serious prayer request is that I found out Hospice wont pay for Affinitor and our doc wont help because they say hospice has to do it and I am not sure how we are going to get another round of it. This is just another thing Satan is using to slowly morph me into Ms Clause.

Thank you all for walking this Journey with us. draft