The Relay for Life

Well we made it through the Relay for Life The Schriver gals (the girls and I) ended up raising 561.00 thank you all who contributed it was such an honor to give back to an organization that helped us and you see is making a difference. The event itself was harder emotionally then I would have imagined at one point my youngest came to me and said "I saw daddy's luminary I got a picture" and it said In the MEMORY of Gary Schriver. I know it has been 10 months but it still seems so unreal that there is an In the memory of in front of his name. Some days it seems like the last ten months has been a horrible dream and when I wake up "fat daddy" (the girls told him at the end they wanted fat daddy back ie healthy) will be there bringing me pop tarts in bed with naughty things written on them in food coloring. They did a silent lap in remembrance of the ones who lost their battle last night that about killed me, I think I am still just not thinking too much about it so I can manage daily life but during that few minute wow that was hard. I think the girls and I both are still at the lets not think about it so we can breathe stage and not at the remembering stage yet. There was some very special quiet times had especially the girls with Gary's grandparents. It is neat that they can share their hurt with them. Overall it was a good experience lots of super nice folks and fun costumes and activities. I highly recommend this fun time for a very worthy cause. Below are a few pics from our time.. Thank you again for walking with us..

to cassie's defense the flash on the camera was SUPER bright :)

This past week we celebrated the first birthday of Gary's in heaven. It was a bittersweet day. We went to my church and on the back porch of the church we had a balloon release in Gary's honor. All the family and even a close friend was their. It was nice to do SOMETHING in honor of the day that changed all our lives the day Gary came into this world. I wont lie some tears were shed but I think more than anything else there was healing. After the balloon release we went to the cemetery and visited Gary's grave and then the girls and I ate dinner with Gary's parents. I am glad to say we only have a few more "FIRSTS" to get through. Not that it will all magically get better after we go through the firsts but the firsts have been so very difficult.Below are a few pictures of the day.

My Girls and I are teaming up with Gary's Dad and Brothers to participate in the Realy for Life. Would you consider helping team Live Long and Prosper Gary's fleet https://secure3.convio.net/tacs/site/Donation2?idb=1818556515&df_id=1009560&FR_ID=42576&PROXY_ID=14130472&PROXY_TYPE=20&1009560.donation=form1

TheAuthor and the Finisher of or faith

Today is Palm Sunday and in Church today they mentioned when Jesus Hung on the cross and he uttered the words "It is finished" and at that moment the curtain in the temple that seperated the people from Gods prescence was torn. I always LOVED this part just because of the curtain thing, the prescence of the Lord was now able to be experienced by everyone, thanks to Jesus being the ultimate sin sacrifice. But today the phrase "it is finished" made me think of the evening I held Garys hand and told him goodbye for now. The Bible says that God is the author and the FINISHER of our faith. So He created this amazing blank book and named it Gary and the pages were empty and limitless but no matter how long or short the book turned out to be the finale chapter was all ready written and that is eternity with God (to those who believe). I obviously wasnt there when Gary's book was began but I spent 20 years of my life helping to fill in the pages some amazingly happy times, a whole lot of stressful and everything in between times. The pages of his book were influenced by his parents, his brothers all his friends work, but his book was also influenced by living through 911 and watching friends suffer and die and a whirlwind of things that he had no part in but they still influenced his book. In 1995 our books began to share pages we lived life like a braided rope intertwined inametly in eachothers life. The times we stayed up till 4 am debating biblical truths and sharing our thoughts about God and family and life all those effected his book. When he got the call at work that he had cancer all the sudden the 5 of us were on a journey that would bring more pain and anguish in our lives then we could have even fathomed at that moment. When he got the diangosis of terminal he could have sat down and let it happen and the end of his book would have probably come a year or more earlier than it did. Those two years that he batteled cancer all of our books were being written in with such intensity we were all experiencing the anguish of cancer together.Those chapters will effect us till the day our books our finished. Nurses tried to warn me about death it isnt pretty they said people do gross things when they die but I knew no matter I had to have him home. Thankfully they were wrong. The way he died was diametrically opposed to the suffering and pain he went through daily for two long years. He was finally at peace he died quietly and gently and you could tell there was no more pain no more suffering and the tangible cloud of suffering and death that hung over our home and effected us all was in an instant over and we were all at peace. Soon there was a new sadness that of loose that would set in but God for a glorious moment allowed us to take part in his peace the way we took part in his suffering. My book and my girls books continue to be written the pages that follow will undoubtedly be influenced by the man we shared our everything with but it is up to us to fill the pages with things that count. I am so glad that I can skip to the end and think no matter happy, sad or in between I know how my book ends because Jesus put "the end" on it 2000 years ago.

Odd Disney Rambeling

We are just about to finish out another Disney trip. For some reason this trip has had some really hard moments. The first thing time that the girls had ever gone to Disney was in 2010 on a Memories of love trip. Merry busted out in tears one evening on the monorail I asked her what was the matter and she told me she couldn't help think about the first time she road the monorail and she was afraid and Daddy was there to cuddle her and tell her it was going to be okay. Then at the castle show today they sang about happily ever after and happy endings and the girls looked at me and said it is ashamed all we are going to get is happily never after because we haven't got daddy with us any more. It is so hard to know what to say to the girls in moments like this all I can do is hug them and let them know I love them. It is hard because a lot of the time I fell the same way. I see the princesses talking about their prince charming and my prince is now dancing in heaven :( I remember when he would reset the computer for me or kill a bug I would tell him I can't imagine life without you and he would tell me I hope you never have to find out.Now I am having to find out and I am not liking it so much, I was lucky enough to find a Prince Charming am I foolish to think that I will ever fin another one. What is normal going to look like in the end. I had an amazing time with the girls and I love making memories with them that do not include sickness or disease or sadness. Merry asked me this trip when are the good memories going to out weigh the bad ones. I told her soon I pray.

A Fatherless Home

I have been thinking allot today about what effect not having a Daddy in their teenage years will have on my girls. I know as a mom I lost my partner where I lacked in parenting he made up for, we were kinda like the tag team wrestlers of parents. Now I am doing it all alone and not always as well as I hoped. I hear all the time that kids without a Dad in the picture are more likely to join a gang or commit suicide. I pray that the decade plus they DID have a Daddy will help ease them through but I worry so much about them. Today in the car my girls asked me do I want to still approve all their dates or do I trust them. At first I thought they were giving me a hard time because they always knew Daddy expected to meet a guy and approve him before they dated, but they were honestly asking. I told them that totally I expect the same thing that Daddy expected that a boy will come to me and ask permission of me. That is just one example of about a million different situations that they learned from the day they were born Daddy was going to handle and now :(. I am acutely aware that our entire life is going to forever change but I think daily we run into scenarios that they question what is it going to be now?? From the day they were born Daddy dreamed about crying his eyes out as he walked them down the isle and that became a treasured mental picture for the girls. I can remember being at my moms house when the girls were around 9-12 and they tried on my wedding veil. When they came out for Daddy's approval he would stand up with a tear in his eye and lift the veil and kiss them and pertended to give them to an awaiting groom. Now they aren't sure how that picture is going to look when it really happens. I think after 5 months we are all so grateful for the time that we had with that wonderful man and would never change a moment (okay maybe the moment cancer went from a word to a death sentence). We are now to the point of grieving the moments we will never have. Daddy teaching them to drive, putting the fear of God into any of their dates, sitting across the table from the young man that wants to be their groom and making sure that young man loves them like Christ loved the church, crying his eyes out trying to keep it together as he walked them down an isle to give them away, that daddy daughter dance. How are all those moments going to look like?? I heard the analogy that loosing someone is like when someone has something amputated they do heal but they are never the same. Clearly we will NEVER be the same and it is scary all for of us had this mental picture of how life's events will unfold now we have no idea. I do know that I have the next 9 years of 3 girls going into different stages of teenageness and they will be doing it without a Dad. I ask that you remember my girls and that when they need it God will provide a godly man to be that influence on them that they need so much. Gary before he died would spend a lot of time interceding for the godly men that will need to step up for the girls and for the man that would one day serve as their step dad (ask me and I will tell you what special quality he asked God to give him for me) , I told him he better be praying allot about the godly men in their life because there is no other man in this world that would equal to him and after the best I could never settle for less. I miss him so much I miss the love and encouragement from him. I miss when the girls saw me crying over something and called me a baby he would chime in and say don't make fun that is my favorite part of mommy her tender heart. Gary I love and adore you thank you for leaving us with 2 decades of amazing wonderful memories and thank you for all the seeds that you put into the girls and I. Now I have a new mental picture of meeting Gary as I come one day (a long time from now) into heaven and hearing him say I am so proud of you sweetheart and come let me introduce you to Jesus ..

I spent the morning cleaning out (I am not done yet) a desk drawer that has been the "catch all" for our family since way before we were a family. The drawer of this desk is where Gary hid my engagment ring until that awesome day he preposed. This ugly little desk was in Gary's room at home, in his first bachelor pad that quickly turned into our first apartment and followed us as we went to bigger apartments annually as we added more kids almost annually and has set in the bedroom we shared in our first house for the past 11 years.Gary wanted to trash the desk a long time ago and get a new nicer looking desk so I dont feel to bad about kicking it to the curb but it holds a ton of memories for me. In church you hear the phrase of you wanna know where a persons priorities are look in their checkbook well I say look into a persons 20 year old junk drawer and you will get a good idea. The above picture is of the contents of the drawer in the picture you will notice a lot of family pictures family has always been so important to the both of us. Gary would always say we HAVE to make sure family stays together we cant get through this life alone. That was when he was healthy, family became WAY more important after he got sick. You will also see a gift from his work, wow I could have never imagined the wonderful role his work played during Gary's illness. I cant say enough about how they rallied behind him and this family. Gary spent so much of his life worried that one mess up and he would be fired when all along his work was behind him a 110% when he finally realized that he was just overwhelmed with grattitiude that God had made a way for him to come back to that company after leaving for a time. Also in the picture is a cassette tape (yes cassette) from the March for Jesus. Gary was VERY involved with this he loved being apart of something that brought praise into the streets of Jacksonville. At the bottom of the picture you will find a bag of rocks that we mined at our honeymoon these unrefined rocks hold small saphires and some other stones I dont remember, this bag reminds me not only the sometimes wonderful but mostly comical time we had on our honymoon. It is a good symbolism for the both of us we never saw ourselves as anything but an ugly gnarly rock and through lifes painful refining process we both began to see a glimmer of something special under the surface. Gary has gotten to shed that outter layer of mess and come into the fullness of all that God made him to be. God is still working on me.. On top of the pile you will find a cross necklace, we tried for the 16 years and three months that we were husband and wife to always put Christ at the top of everything that we did pleasing God and serving Him ..I hope the next 16 years finds our junk drawer looking similar. The girls and I are still trying to figure out how this life will work without Daddy but I know it will have a ton of family and friends and Jesus will remain at the center other than that who knows I know I have a God and Gary cheering us on..