2 Cor. 12:10 (MSG) - Satan's angel did his best to get me down. What he in fact did was push me to my knees. At first, I did not think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Then He told me, "My grace is enough. It's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

2011 has been the year that brought us to our knees. As this year comes to a close I think back at all the miracles and blessings of the past year and I also think of the almost unbearable heartbreak, and I thank God for walking with us through it all. I am not sure what 2012 will hold for us I pray that the good will out number the bad but I know that God will walk with us through it all. New year is a chance for everyone to start a fresh for us it is a fresh start on our whole life. Please continue to pray for this little family as we embark on this journey we Cherish your prayers and your love and with our amazing family and friends I can stand at the eve of 2012 looking forward to what is ahead. Gary walks with us and is still an almost tangible part of our daily life and with his love ungergerding us we will make it :) may this new year be the happiest most prosperous new year for us all. All our Love from the Schriver Girls

GOODBYE 2011

A photo slideshow by Smilebox

Wow we have almost done it!! We have almost survived 2011. This was a definite life changing year for us. This year all of our hearts have been shattered. Not just the girls and I but all of Gary's familyand friends we have all been left with a huge Gary shaped void in our lives. We have adopted the idea of "if it gets hard leave town" :) and that has really helped. I know Gary is walking right beside us and is cheering us on. We are all looking forward to 2012 only because this year was so difficult and so miserable. My youngest prayed the other night Lord help this new year to be spectacular or at least not depressing like this year. We are living for Gary this year he wanted to travel and see me finish my AA and so this new year we are gonna live it to the max. The above slide show is a glimpse of how we have been doing since saying goodbye to daddy. We have had a LOT of tears but some fun too. We miss our Daddy more than I could ever put into words and I know finishing up all the firsts are going to be tough, but with a good God and good friends we will do it. One thing know for sure, I am going to have to get a job to support my traveling when sad habit :) lol. Happy New year to everyone and may it be filled with Gods peace and health and great prosperity.

Figuring out the HOWS of this new life

It has been nearly three and a half months since Gary passed away from us. Sometimes it seems like it was a million years ago and sometimes it seems like the hurt is fresher today than it was on Aug 2nd when he died. The day by day of life is no problem Gary left us able to not worry for a bit about finances that is a unique feeling not to have to fret and worry over every cent. I think of it as his last great gift to us. It is the daily functioning with the kids that can be so much more than I can bear. I think that the kids are adjusting well then I hear one of them say "you know it would be better to DIE and be with Daddy". They worry me so much they tell me they don't need therapy but after Christmas they are going whether they want to or not. I constantly worry about being enough for them, are they happy? Do they wish I had died and Gary would have lived? I will be honest he would have been a more organized parent than me. This is the most formative time in their life will not having a daddy affect them horribly or will it make them stronger? I hate not having a partner in parenting we were a perfect pair when one was in a bad mood the other wasn't and when one was too strict or too lenient the other would help balance them out. Now it is just ME and not ME at my best it is the me that breaks down into sobs at a moments notice it is the me who would rather some days stay in her bed then face another day wihtout the man I love. How is that person going to help three teenage girls navigate their crazy teen years?? I now have to be mom AND dad and I am going to start back to school next year because eventually I have to get a career so that I can make sure the girls have all that they need and one day support myself. On top of that Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming up how do I mourn not having Gary with me and make the holidays a special but different time for the girls. Gary was such an amazing Dad he was a part of everything from Thanksgiving to reading the Christmas story at Christmas. Oh and new years :( for the first time in two decades I wont get a kiss on new years the girls might kiss me but you know what kind of kiss I mean. Every year we kissed and then prayed in the new year now I am not sure what to do. I don't mean to ramble on and on but that is just a taste of the swirl of emotions that are gong through my head. The girls and I are also getting ready to head away for Thanksgiving I am left to pack and drive six hours and navigate three hotels with three girls and I am so nervous. How in blue blazes am I ever going to do this?? At least maybe it will keep my mind off of not having Gary there. SIGH please continue to pray for us as we continue to work on forming this new reality not going so well right now but I know that God is able and were we are weak HE is strong so now this is a great big area for God to show himself great big.

This week we took another step in the healing process. I think the numbness of the initial loss is starting to ware off.I think for the first 8 weeks since Gary died we were all just in a haze. This didn't really just happen right? Daddy is still sleeping in his room and will yell for an apple juice soon right? Last week we got all of Gary's stuff out of Annie's room and with the help of our Uncles and Grandpa we got Annie's new bed and dresser in the room and it now looks completely different. Other than a few spots of Spackle filling the holes from the zillion cards on his wall you cant tell that Daddy was ever in that room. That is huge it helps a lot not to see his stuff everywhere. Our kitty still goes into the room and sleeps on the same spot that he did when Gary was there.
Another step on the healing process we took all the cards from Gary's wall and put it into a special bowl so we can look at them anytime and see how much people loved Daddy. We also got a zebra print box (zebra print was his cancer ribbon) and put a lot of the little nick knack things that remind us of Gary, like his cell phone the contents of the backpack he always carried and his glasses and some other things that are all Daddy. I had to create my own not joint checking acct and get my own credit card. Everything like our marriage was joint and I guess like our marriage they all had to come to an end. Possibly the biggest leap into healing was done by my 11 year old. She had HUGE issues with her birthday being without Daddy but then decided that she wanted to go to the Father daughter dance at our church and asked he Grandfather to be her stand in Daddy, and he agreed. I was so worried about her the other two were like no way we are so not ready to be in a room with a bunch of Daddy's loving their daughters when our daddy isn't their. Merry came to the conclusion that Daddy was watching out after her from heaven and he would want her to live and go have fun. They went and had the time of their life. Merry came back on cloud 9 so happy to have spent that quality time with her Granddaddy and I was on cloud 9 seeing how happy she was. I was also very proud of her it is easy to sit and wallow in a grief hole, it is so much more difficult to acknowledge loss but also acknowledge that life does indeed go on and the last thing in the world that the person that was lost would have wanted would be for us to sit in that grief hole. I know that Christmas and Thanksgiving is coming and all the steps forward we take are likely to be steps backward into grief then but for right now we are coming to grips with being a family of four and I am slowly getting used to calling myself a widow and single mom and its ok. Its ok because of the man I lost he spent 16 years preparing me to be strong enough to live this new life out. I can also see in retrospect that Gary was preparing me to be independant of him for the last year. I was so amazingly blessed to have him in my life he was so selfless knowing that he was dying his only thought was making sure that we were ready to face life without him. I stand today with no debts except my house and able to concentrate on nothing but my girls and my healing and that is because Gary was the kind of man that he was. I know we still have a LONG road ahead of us and we will never be the same but for the first time in 3 months not being the same is ok. Gary didn't spend the last year of his life preparing me to sit in my room and cry, he prepared me to LIVE and I know he is in heaven and is our biggest cheerleader even from heaven. He is saying lets go God has plans for you all don't miss them. I will miss that sweet man every day of the rest of my life and I will be eternally grateful for his influence. The girls and I we are so much better because of him .

What a special week :}

It is funny how events can be both joyous and sad all at the same time. This week was one of those moments when my middle daughter turned 13 and became an official teenager (prayers accepted) :). I always wondered if she would survive her childhood she was always such a live wire,always climbing some wall or dresser.She always kept us hopping, she is the only kid that I had to actually LOCK her in her room at night for her own safety when she was as young as 11 months. She was our child that drove us to our knees the most but I am so proud of the young lady she has become. She has had to grow up so much with Daddy going through so much and now him not being here, they all have. She has declined a birthday party this year because of not having daddy here to celebrate but we tried to make it special and I think the most special was opening the first birthday card that daddy left for her. I wrote out the cards as Gary dictated them but I forgot how amazing and thought out these cards were. He really thought what would he tell them if he was here with them and what did they need to know from their dad at each age. Cassie and I were both in tears as she read the card and now it is proudly pinned on her wall for safe keeping. Merry whose birthday is Monday got to open hers too and it was so appropriate to her right now, he told her that he wishes so much that he could be here to celebrate with her but not to be sad he is looking down on her from heaven and will always be in her heart. ( break for tears). How hard this must have that been for him knowing that he wasn't going to be there to watch the three girls that he invested so much love and energy into grow into womanhood and he knew that these teenage years and young adult years they NEED their dad so much and how could he make sure they heard his heart every year. He succeeded in such amazing ways those cards are now our most prized possessions.
We also went to the movies this week and saw Courageous. I was warned that this was an incredibly sad movie on its own not to mention the fact that it was all about Dads and now my girls don't have one (well on earth) but I had promised my middle one so I had to keep my promise. I will admit to you that the Daddy thing made me cry like a baby I wished Gary would have been there knowing that he would be rallying the men at our church and he would have loved the promise that they made in the movie. There was one scene in particular that I went from sobbing to just about fall on the floor crying. The main characters were in the little girls bedroom (I wont tell you why cause if you don't know why they were there GO SEE THE MOVIE it is worth the time) and on the wall was a plaque it said something like I know I am a princess because my prince charming has all ready come and his name is daddy. That probably isn't the exact wording but it was hard to really focus through the gallon per second tear flow. Other than that scene the movie actually was an encouragement to me. The main family had to deal with a tragic loss and they followed them through the same process that I am going through the initial shock and then the just wanting to curl up and cry all the time to the amazement that a day can actually be good again to the beginning of counseling. When the main character went for counseling with his pastor the pastor said something that was like an YES moment for me. He said that he has heard people talk about grief as like someone who looses an arm or a leg they DO get better but they are NEVER the same. That really struck me we will never be the same after the last two years and there is a new normal that we are still trying to figure out but we will get better, we will survive and we will have a time where there are more good days than bad and there will be a time when the thought of Christmas without him wont make me want to die myself. That so encouraged me we will get better. They showed them in the movie getting better but still totally better too quick. The coolest part of the movie was actually the end credits when the lights in the Theatre came up an the girls looked at me and said it was OK that daddy wasn't here to watch this movie because he didn't need this movie he was this movie. There came the tears again what an amazing testimony of an amazing man he was courageous in fatherhood in his role as a husband and his battle to stay on earth with us. He will always be my love and my hero for how hard he fought.
Monday we celebrate my youngest birthday and then before we know it we will be smack into Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am not sure how we are going to handle those holidays without Gary I sorta wish I could go to sleep and wake up in January but I know that I cant I just pray that God will help us get through and help us to create new traditions one that we do as a family of 4 not 5 we need to make some memories that will be good not sad we have had too many sad. I welcome your ideas.:) So I guess the theme of the week is life goes on and it will never be the same but neither will we be the same. Stay tuned to see how it all turns out it should be interesting :) I cant wait to find out myself. Thank you for your continued prayer and support I have said it before and I will say it again we could not do it with out each one of you. I think I am just know truly realizing the magnitude of what we have all been through and we have come though with at least some of our sanity because of your love and support and your prayers so please keep them coming.

Oh and if you havent see COrgous yet GO SEE IT seriously it is a super good movie you will love it. :)

Grief

I celebrated my first birthday in 20 years without my sweet man this last week. I shed a lot of tears but thanks to some really good friends this birthday turned out really well. A lot of laughter and some really good cheese cake and awesome friends made the day so special. We all have still been struggling with sinus infections. I am surprised that my middle one has been the one that has struggled with this bug the most and that is so not like her the last time a bug got her down was when she was three and she had Salmonella. Some one told us this week that the fact that we are coming from such a stressful year and are going through such grief that that had a part to play with us not being able to shake this cold and I think there might be something to that. I keep thinking this grief thing is going to get better and it seems just the opposite. There are times when I sit and think and these scenes flash in my head of the past struggles and I think I have relived the moment when the nurse said that he only had a few minutes to live in my head about a million times. How I had to call the girls into the room and tell them that the time for Daddy to go to heaven is now. I can hear my middle one tell her Daddy I hope you have fun in heaven and have fun walking the streets of Gold and the tears that the nurse shed when he heard that. The kids are going through the same thing.
I am beginning to have a real understanding of post traumatic stress syndrome. You always see those tv shows were the man comes back from war and when some one drops a pot on the ground the guy crumbles into a ball reliving images from battle. I use to think that was a bunch of hooey but now the smallest thing can trigger this flood of memories and I find myself in tears again.
A friend of mine started a new set of rules for herself as she becomes and empty nester and I think I am going to do the same for me. The first life rule I am going to make for me is BE PATIENT with myself grief takes time and I HAVE to give myself that time to heal right. Two girls birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner and they are going to be hard and I am going to be patient with myself and my girls and if you see me not feel free to punch me in the arm :)
My youngest is doing something really cool for her birthday this year. She wasn't going to have one at all but she found a party at Build a Bear that was a St Judes party and as a part of party planning you raise funds to send to St Judes children's cancer hospital so she decided to do this party in honor of Daddy. Cancer research can only be a good thing.
If you would like to contribute to Merry's Birthday tribute follow the link http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Build-A-Bear/Build-A-Bear?px=1993957&pg=personal&fr_id=3591


Patients is the new word for myself take life slow and ease into the new normal of life without our sweetman. The girls and my life has been completely destroyed and we are now having to rebuild the foundation for the rest of our life and we want to take the time to make this foundation stronger than before!! I am determined to make our life a tribute to what Gary sewed into us.

Thinking a bunch ...

I just got back from my first vacation as a family of four not five. I have three teens so they pretty much took off and did their own things but that left me with a lot of time to sit and think about the last two years. From that initial hit with a sledge hammer of a diagnosis, no one can even fathom the stunned hurt that comes with hearing you or your loved one has cancer unless they have had the misfortune to hear it themselves. From the seemingly endless doctors appointments and biopsies and the night before your first chemotherapy. That was awful I remember holding Gary in tears he was so afraid of what that chemo would do to him and then after the chemo started the hair loss he thought he would be okay with the hair loss but he wasn't he sat in bed and when I checked on him he was holding clumps of hair in tears. He was pleasently suprised that he was pretty handsome bald. There were so many other times we both shed tears when right after the initial diagnosis a doctor told him you have one good Christmas and one ok Christmas left and that is all no more than 2 years to live we would call him horrible yet funny names but darnnit he had it right almost to the day. Going through the last two years was in a way a blur. I have to go back and read this blog to realize how LONG Gary really suffered and how he fought like heck to stay here with us.All the times all I could do was hold him as he weeped but then somehow he would reckon on this inner strength that came from God to wipe his tears and finish the battle. Our favorite quote was "life will bring trials its your choice if you are going to let them make you bitter or better" we both did all we knew how to do to have those trials make us BETTER. We both had a few yelling sessions at God early on and I know for me one day after about an hour of yelling "you HAVE to heal him God I cant go on without him" "take me not him" I finally wore myself out and as I sat and looked at the river God said "will you love me no matter what??" I wish I could say the answer was an immediate YES but it wasn't I had to really think if my husband died would I still love and trust God for everything??? Eventually the answer was yes and from that point on I was never MAD at God for anything that happened to either of us there was a couple of times that I looked to heaven and said "REALLY" but never anger and that went for Gary too. He had such a tuned in spirit he could cry and let it out then almost get a hug from God and be ok and ready to encourage others. I am so proud of the battle that he waged he went through two years of a living hell and never once waiverd in his faith in God. What a legacy for the girls to have of their father. That unfortunately doesn't help the hole that we have now. I am a single mom REALLY my girls don't have a daddy to run into and hug anymore. They don't have a Daddy to take to the daddy daughter dance or walk them down the isle or dance with them at their wedding or spell words for them that mommy cant. They don't have their confidant the one who would endlessly debate my middle one and snuggle in bed with my baby and encourage my eldest. They are entering teen years without their daddy and we aren't sure how that is gonna work out. Our whole life now is trusting God to be that husband and father for us we still talk to daddy in heaven all the time and blow him kisses and tell him goodnight. My mind has worked in hyper speed this week flashing images and feelings and circumstances of the last two years but none of what is to come. The night before Gary died my little one and I were coming home from work and we saw this beautiful sunset after a nasty rain storm and I told her if it wasn't for the storm the sunset wouldn't have been near as beautiful. Somehow God is going to do that for us make this crap we have been going through into something beautiful. Not sure how yet, I guess stay tuned for the second leg of this marathon. Gary is now done with his race and I am so very proud of how he ran his race I KNOW God told him well done good and faithful servant and I know he is getting our kisses and love somehow. The race continues for the girls and I now a family of 4 the girls keep looking at me and saying you are a single mom wow and that is what I say too wow how is this gonna work :) God's amazing faithfulness has been wrapped around this family and continues to be the miracles of provision and blessing we have seen is unbelievable I still stand in awe at all God has done through His people. One thing I can tell you about this next leg of the marathon is it wont be boring :)

A Month and it is starting to really sink in hard ..

Well we are just a few hours away from the month anniversary of Daddy's home going. For most of the month it has been pretty numb you just walk through life but now things are starting to really sink in and it stinks so bad. I am managing okay most days. I am dealing with an overwhelming lonely not a friend lonely I am so blessed with some amazing friends but that special person who you can look into their eyes and see into their souls, I am missing big warm hugs and sweet gentle kisses I miss someone waking me up with a poptart with naughty stuff written on it with food markers. Gary and I had such a unique relationship we were truly one, our hearts were stitched together with a decade and a half of loving and life and I miss that so much. I wouldn't want him back for anything in the world because I was the only one who truly saw how much he suffered and now he is at peace and resting in Gods arms so I wouldn't take him back but I sure miss him. I feel he is with me in a way as I proceed to finishing my AA degree in October. I hear his voice as I make decisions and just take time to think. I think he is still my cheering session he is just cheering from club seats now. I look forward to making him proud of me as I get my degree and follow in the things that we had decided God had for me for a while and I have been too chicken to go after. Now I have a little life padding with his life insurance and so I am going to take this opportunity to step out and achieve all God will allow me to achieve. The girls now that is a different story they are having such trouble every time they see a daddy and daughter they cry. Their whole life is in upheaval they are used to Daddy working and mommy taking care of them. Now they see we haven't had a paycheck since July and they aren't sure how regular bills are going to be paid they feel a little better with insurance in the bank but they still worry mommy doesn't get a paycheck and how are we going to pay bills on a regular basis. They have spent the last month worried about EVERYTHING every little detail of life that most kids wouldn't even think twice about. I am not sure if they don't trust me or what. My little one continues not to sleep and lash out with such horrible venom at me and anyone else who gets in her way. My middle child has decided I guess that I am not the kind of mom she would be and she continuously tries to step in and mother her sisters and I have to remind her I AM THE MOM not you. My sweet eldest bless her heart is just wandering around in lala land she has moments of just busting out in tears and is just not sure how to handle anything anymore. Next week I am going to get my first reality test my mom leaves to visit my sister tomorrow and I have to get us all ready to vacation then I will take my first trip as a single mom with three teenage girls. Our entire life is in flux right now and we are going through that flux with an extreme grief and I covet your prayers for this family as we figure out how to be a family of four and not five and how we manage without the man who really glued this family together.
I have to give praise where praise is due I said earlier we hadn't received any pay since July 17th well through Gods graces we have had all our bills paid including our mortgage and have managed to get the kids ready for school and have a freezer and pantry with food in it and have money to get gas and essentials and that is all thanks to an amazing God and amazing people who have blessed us the last 6 weeks when I say we couldn't have made it with out you I REALLY mean it. Thank you all so much :) <3

The Journey is done.....

Today we went to the cementary with all of Gary's family and laid our sweet man to rest. He was cremated last week and we decided to wait till the weekend to do the service so his brothers could be there too. It was very short very sweet but very difficult. It has all seemed almost surreal until we actually saw his ashes and saw them placed into the niche then reality hit pretty hard. He is gone and now we have to figure out how to live again.
My ten year old had a cow this past week when I changed my marital status on facebook to widowed she got in my face and said "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED" I had to tell her in my heart I will be married for ever but for my healing and sanity (or lack there of) I needed to change that as a small step toward the future. It seems so weird to be standing at this point in my life facing a future that is really uncertain. I have spent the last 16 years creating the future that I thought was going to be my forever spending my days focusing on my girls education and being a wife and mom but now I am not sure what normal is going to look like. My little one asked me today "who is the breadwinner in the family now" I told her right now God has been the bread winner we haven't had any pay since July 16th but somehow we have met bills and was able to get all the stuff the kids have needed for school and we have not missed a meal, so Yeah God.
Please continue to pray for the girls and I as we spend this next year reinventing ourselves and discover what this new normal is going to be for us. We all miss Gary every second of every day but we know that HE would want us to not stay in mourning and live and fulfill the things that God has in store for us. He always told me God has big things for you Baby don't miss them. I am such a better person for knowing and loving that sweet wonderful man he has left such an amazing legacy and thanks to that I know he will never be far.

A wonderful dream

Last night I had the most realistic dreams I have ever had I was sitting next to Gary laughing and snuggling we talked and he made me belly laugh like he always was able to do. When I woke up I was going to go and kiss Gary on the forehead and let him know he was in my dreams all night long. It took about two minutes to realize that he is not here anymore and my heart hurt like it did the night he died. I wanted to sit and cry for a few minutes but unfortunately I had slept through my first alarm and was waking up to my "oh crap" alarm. My middle daughter had orientation for 7th grade this morning and that made me sad too because if Gary was here he would have taken off work to be there for us. He would have sat in between us and held both of our hands he would have nudged me in the ribs when things were going long and I was about to doze off. My middle daughter busted out into sobs several times going and coming back she just kept saying "I miss Daddy I know he would be so proud of me". She is so excited about the new challenges of the new school year but is fears doing it all with out our Daddy :( It has only been two weeks sometimes it seems like it has been a year since he was gone and other times it seems like it all just happened. As we begin this new season of hundreds of "firsts" without daddy every time we have one of those firsts it is like ripping a band aide off a scar on a hairy arm and them pouring some salt in it. Thank you for your prayers all of Gary's family appreciates them.

A huge debt of gratitude

Today marked the finale week I get my regular Friday visitor from Gary's work and it made me think back at all that they have done for us and how very grateful I am that Gary worked for such an amazing company. I would not have blamed them if they would have fired him back in November because that is when it was getting super difficult health wise but they didn't instead they sent us Thanksgiving dinner they would surprise us sporadically with meals from some amazing place usually after a particular horrible week or hospital stay. They were VERY patient with him he got his 40 hours in but it may have been between 2 and 6 am it didn't matter. Starting in about March we started getting a visitor every Friday from work sometimes it was just him and other times he would bring coworkers but every time it blessed Gary and my heart. Gary got to have that physical contact with people from work and it was so great for me to see how much his work cared. They have been an email away with any questions or concerns I have had which there have been a few freak out moments for me. The day of the funeral there must have been 20 people from his work there and they told me that they were going to be bringing dinner to us the rest of the following week and some groceries on Friday. The dinners came daily the next week and were all yummy and such a blessing something we didn't have to worry with we could just enjoy. Today was the finale meal and groceries and WOW I was blown away everything from TP to shampoo to snacks to put in lunches and a stack of paper plates a foot high. Oh and dinner tonight HONEY BAKED HAM (one of my favs) and to top it off was a card with money and gas and grocery gift cards in it. I am so overwhelmed by all that they have done this week. So let me say thank you to the people of LPS your love and patients through Gary's battle gave us peace and your outpouring of blessings on us since his passing has been so amazing. I know after all the life insurance and such is done I will have little to no dealing with you all so please accept my sincerest thank yous for all that you have done for us over the past year we will be eternally grateful.

9 days

I cant believe but it has been nine days since I told the love of my life good bye for now. I have to say it really hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. I have handled the bills and done most things with out him for the last year because he has been bedridden that long. So daily life isn't that much different than it was before but we just don't have our sweet man to come home to anymore. I have thought alot about grief the last couple of days and thought, what a week two tops to grieve then I need to move on right?? WRONG most places I have read said allow yourself a minimum of two years to truly go through the grieving process. Two years that scares me because I don't want to feel this lonely and heartbroken and sad for two years before it gets any better, There is also a real shortage on materials to help you walk through your grief and I think I figured out why, and I know you want me to tell you :) I am beginning to see that people have grief languages just like a person has a particular love language. Personally I want to wrap my grief up in a nice neat package and place it on the shelf in my mind and move on and busy myself to the point where I never have time to revisit that grief box. My youngest child is dealing with her grief physically she isn't sleeping she is getting angry and hits things she is VERY verbal about missing Daddy and has repeatedly told me that she is clinically depressed and would really like to kill herself or fall of the face of the earth just so she could be with daddy again. My middle child is very matter of fact about things Daddy is in Heaven now he is all better from Cancer in no more pain he is good so we should be too. She has told me I wont grieve because Daddy is where he always wanted to be. My sweet eldest is hurting so bad she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is down but doesn't share she just deals with her grief in her own heart. And that is just the four of us every person tends to deal differently I am praying about a devotion or something that we might be able to do together that will help us all deal.
We have been super blessed by Gary's coworkers this week they brought meals everyday and even a card with some money in it and boy has that been such a blessing to not think about cooking between church and work I think in the last month I sat and cooked maybe twice which has been such an amazing blessing.
We had our air go out this week which was a bummer considering it was well over a 100 out side.When it broke I told my mom wouldn't it be great is there was a check in the mail and we went a stayed in a hotel and then I logged on Facebook and someone offered up a beachfront room at the Ponte Vedra inn and Lodge. Wow was that just what my heart needed a day of sitting looking at the beach and hearing the waves crash, I could have spent a month there without moving. Between the meals and the hotel stay we have also been blessed with gift cards to stores and restaurants so when we were at the beach we ate off gift cards (there was no money in our acct) and the next day we were able to even get some school supplies. So the last 9 days have been a time of incredible loneliness because my best friend and confidant is gone but an overwhelming since or family from Gary's amazing coworkers and our beyond words church family. Please pray for us we are all grieving in four different ways and we are all hurting so bad it is hard to even think we will go on but I know we will with Gods help. Please also pray for favor with life insurance the paperwork has not come in yet and it will take another 5 days once they receive the paperwork back so vacation is on hold paying my bills is on hold everything is on hold till it comes through. If it wasn't for a blessing from church our bank acct would still be in the red so the need for that life insurance is yesterday.
Thank you for continuing to walk with us through this new journey .

The Funeral

Well today was the funeral. It was so hard even saying the words GARY'S FUNERAL it all still seems surreal. It was a beautiful service amazing music, a wonderful slide show of his life, a tearful tribute from Gary's Dad that brought me to massive tears and most of all God was glorified and that was what Gary would have wanted most of all. There is a strange peace falling over the girls and I the anxiety and worry we had over taking care of Daddy is now gone. I think we all lived on pins and needles for so long listening for any noise of Gary in discomfort. I would never change a minute of the last few months I feel that I fell even more in love with Gary the last few months but that nervous energy has all ready begun to fade and now the quiet stillness of a broken heart is all that remains. I am so glad that at the end of this VERY long journey I can honestly say I do not have any regrets I think we tried everything humanly possible to see his healing. He always said we will do the natural and let God do the supernatural.Gary is now whole and healthy and leading a choir of angels in worship to the God he loved so very much. He used to tell me "it says that there will be no tears in heaven but if I am up there with out you I cant imagine NOT having tears" tonight I pray that that sweet wonderful man is resting peacefully in the arms of God and hearing the words that was the motivation to all he ever did "well done good and faithful servant".

Next week will begin all the finale preparations to close out an amazing life please pray that we have favor with all the places we have to call and notify of his passing and please pray that all the insurance comes through quickly we are living on very little till all that comes through. I guess I will also begin my journey as a single mom I am not a huge fan of that being married to Gary was the best he was amazing. He could calm me down with a touch and he would look at me with those big brown eyes and in case my hand in his big hands and all the sudden I believed I could do anything. He told me before he died "you will be fine when I am gone I have no doubt" now I wish he could come down and tell me that one more time to look in those eyes and feel that love. Sigh thank you for your continued prayers as this new phase of the Marathon begins.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/timesunion/obituary.aspx?n=gary-schriver&pid=152870155

This is my sweetmans death notice...

Sad News

Tonight was the night that I feared more than anything in my life. I said goodbye to the most wonderful amazing man tonight. Gary Robert Schriver passed into the waiting loving arms of Jesus surrounded by his family and at home.He went so fast this afternoon he did great at his check up his bp and heart rate was good he was bathed and even shaved and they had placed a catheter in him so we wouldn't have to move him to change the diaper. This evening right before dinner his brother came over and I am glad he did because if he hadn't I would have let Gary alone to just rest. I came into the room and noticed him breathing so hard and his tongue was pushed in the back of his throat he was struggling and trying to sit up. I tried to comfort him but he wouldn't be comforted so I called the hospice number and they sent the kindest nurse out that listened to his chest and told us that he only has a few minutes left and I sat by Gary's side rubbed his arm and caressed his face he calmed down and slowly just stopped breathing and slipped into heaven. I go tomorrow to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements and I will post details tomorrow. Please be in prayer for us as we learn to live and go on without the wonderful man that was such a huge part of our hearts.. Thank you foe walking with us on this journey and the new journey that lies ahead.

:( just :(

Wow life just continues to get more and more difficult. My poor sweet man is pretty much out of it 99% of the time I have to change his diaper and feed him juice by syringe because he cant suck from a straw anymore. I don't think my sweet man will be with me too much longer and to tell you the truth the way he is I hope he is in the arms of Jesus soon. It breaks my heart to see him this way I know he is so not happy it just kills me. If that was not hard enough to deal with slowly loosing my sweet man piece by piece my kids are going nuts. I have a ten year old that looses her temper at the smallest thing and throws these knock out drag down tantrums what seems like a 100 times a day. My 12 year old seems to continuously lash out with this venom of an attitude that just drives me bonkers with phrases like "well that's not fair" and "why". My poor eldest just wanders around not really knowing what to do or think she is just so over whelmed. My poor mom works her hiney off to try to keep the house in order and is the unfortunate butt of a lot of the kids frustrations. I have not had a full nights sleep in probably a month or more and little to no sleep the last two weeks. Every ounce of my body and my spirit is so exhausted I am not sure how I will ever survive this.
On the way to work this evening I had to drive through a thunder storm with HUGE nasty clouds and a bunch of lightning and on the way home I had my ten year old with me (because I don't trust anyone else to handle her tantrums) and coming over the bridge we saw the most amazing sunset and I told her if we can just hang on this is how God works he makes the most beautiful sunsets from the stormiest days but oh man it is getting so hard to weather the storm.

Please be in prayer for my sweet man that is suffering will be done soon either healed and loving on us (that is our choice) or whole and healthy in the arms of Jesus. Second for Gods refreshing peace to be on the girls and Gary's family and on me.

Almost two years to the day ....

Someone was asking me exactly when he got diagnosed and frankly the last two years have been one gigantic BLUR so I said I will go back to my blog and find out. Our life began this horrifying spiral on August 6th 2009. That day while cooking dinner I got a phone call from Gary that the doctor called and told it was CANCER. Since then he has gone from one radiation treatment and chemo round to another. The following is His words from that first family update which turned into the blog we now write...
"I got a call from my primary the same day saying that the radiology report came back saying that appeared to be metastatic bone cancer of the pelvis extending from my right hip around my lumbar back to my left hip. He said we didn't know for sure but if it was cancer that we needed to jump on things quickly. This all happened last Thursday (8/6) afternoon, so we were terrified to say the least, but trusting God that He would see us through this. He is the Healer!"

Two years latter we are still terrified and still trusting God...

Uncertain times

It has been a VERY difficult several days here at the Schriver's. Saturday had a pretty good day we even watched a movie with him in his room. Sunday night he woke me up and called me into his room and said very panicked "I think I am dying" he had trouble breathing and was VERY agitated and panicked. We called the Hospice nurse in at 4 am and he said that he was breathing well and his BP was good so he gave him some meds to control his anxiety and he went to sleep. The next day he was less awake then the day before and when he was awake he started having trouble getting his words out. The next day he slept most of the time and he could barely speak at all. I have not really slept these days and last night my mother in law came over and spent the evening in his room allowing me to get a few hours of sleep. Today he has been VERY restless moaning and groaning most of the day he has been very restless. The future for my sweet man is so uncertain it is terrifying to think of how ill he has become. I think back to conversations about his Great grandmother who was in a coma for 10 years before she passed away he said "I pray I am never like that a sound mind in a body that doesn't work" unfortunately that is what he is right now I know that HE is in there and he is trying to communicate and be there but his body is just not doing what he wants it to do. My little one was so excited tonight she leaned over his bed and whispered "I love you daddy" and he whispered back "I love you too" she was so excited she got an I love you :(. Please continue to pray for this family as we go through this new season of uncertainty please pray that no matter what happens God will instill his peace in us all.

Praise report God has provided in such amazing unexpected ways and we have shampoo and milk and cereal and the kids favorite TWO boxes of easy mac :) I thank all of you who provided meals or groceries or gift cards to us it has taken such a burden of of us and we have been able to focus on our sweet man. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Blessings :)

Last week I had a mini break down. The stress of all that has been happening just got the better of me. A husband/best friend who kept telling me he wanted to go home, a disability check that came SEVEN days late, kids that were going ballistic from all that has happened, a ten year old who told me she wished she would die so she wouldn't have to face life anymore :( Late bills yada yada yada the list of stresses just goes on and on. I was thinking if I was God (thank goodness I am not) I would have handled me like the crazy woman passenger in the movie Airplane where all the people on the plane took turns smacking the mess out of her. But instead God just did what every good parent should do he waited until I was done with my tantrum and just gave up. Then God just said "if your done will you trust me"?? I wish I emphatically said YES I TRUST YOU GOD but it was more like go for it give it your best shot!! I think God must like a challenge because wow He began this string of blessings that really surprised me. Friday I got a facebook from a high school friend who said that her sister had a "few" things for us we met her on Saturday and the word few is not the propper description it was a huge box and about 6 reusable grocery bags worth of food and it included awesome things. I was chatting with her outside my car I kept hearing my little one squeal oo peanut butter, oo easy mac ooo cereal ooo ooo ooo it was HUGE all those toiletres and paper products we hadn't been able to get was in those bags. SHAMPOO was in there good stuff too. Meat and basic staples it was such an amazing blessing I think the highlight was a half gallon of chocolate milk it was gone about an hour after we got home :) Saturday afternoon the prodigal disability check FINALLY came and I paid all my bills online that night and boy that felt so good. There was a low point in the weekend Gary fell last night and we had to have the paramedics come and help him up and then had to have a visit from one of the hunky male nurses ( that was not so bad;). Thankfully he was not hurt he was a little sore this morning but ok. My wonderful father in law asked me last night if we wanted him to come and sit with Gary while we went to church and normally I would have said NO you go to church but I think that the girls really needed that break and so did I. Church was amazing just seeing my friends at church and getting all those hugs just breathes life back into my soul. We also got a great card and a check from a new friend. New friends that is one of the side benefits from that work day people who I knew of I now call them friends. We were also blessed with three meals and money to get a fourth. WE NOW HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE :) I assure you we were not skipping any meals and I could stand to skip a few but the basic Staples we ran out of and it is such a stress to not have something and not have the money to get it. At points the kids would just wail WE HAVE NO FOOD :( lol translation we didn't have any easy mac, cereal, milk or cheese pizza.
I am a little nervous about what next week will bring Gary still feels really bad and he continues to have trouble breathing even with the oxygen so please pray that Gods will will be done this week and that the peace that passes all understanding will be on us all no matter what happens this week. We really value all your prayers and thank you all so much for all the special ways we have been so blessed.Thank you for loving me through my tantrums too :)

Strong enough

Yesterday my ten year old snuggled close with the ipad and said "here listen to this I think we both need this right now". This song says exactly how I feel. Thanks Merry for reminding me of the song.

Update from last post the mortgage did get reposted and went thru fine (deep breathe) Thank you Lord !!!

just some wild faithless ranting plz ignore

I woke up this morning and found that the mortgage did not go through because something else went through and was about 5 dollars off. I just want to scream some days, I am praying after an email to the mortger they will resubmit and all will be ok but it is just so FRUSTRATING. I am frustrated at the seemingly ENDLESS financial struggles, I should just be rejoicing and dancing with all the miracles that God has performed in our finances but I am so TIRED of having to pray and ask for those miracles. I just want things back to normal with a normal paycheck. Right now we are relying on God for EVERYTHING from gas to food to mortgage everything. I cant even go pick up my shampoo from the store yet cause his check hasn't come yet. It is so wonderful and amazing to see how people have walked with us and stood with us with meals and that work day wow that was cool. I want to be the one that stands with someone now. I am tired of waking up and praying that Gary hadn't passed away in his sleep. I am tired of worrying every time I leave the house that when I get back I will have missed saying goodbye to him. I hate the seemingly endless visits from nurses and social workers and bath ladies. I am SICK of having Hospice on speed dial. I am sick of answering questions like "is daddy gonna die" and "will you send us to the orphanage if Daddy dies". I am sick of trying to figure out what I will do as a job to support my family if something happends to Gary.I am sick of behavior issues from kids who haven't got the emotional maturity to deal with life (who does). I am sick of making plans with a disclaimer explaining that if Gary gets sick I am not gonna be there. I am so sick of writing birthday cards for Gary for the girls to have if he is not here to celebrate with them. I am sick of busting out in to random fits of tears. I am sick of tension headaches. I am sick of my life I want things to go back to normal I want to spend too much money and have Gary yell at me. I want Gary to come in the bedroom door with pop tarts with a heart made from food coloring on it. I want to sit next to Gary in church. I want Merry to mouth off to me not knowing Gary is around the corner and to see the "oh crap" look on her face because Daddy does not allow Mommy to be disrespected. I want to get super anxious about something and have Gary come in hold me and instantly calming me down then pray for me. I am just so DONE with this nightmare we have been living. I had a dear friend prayed over me a week before Gary was diagnosed and said God told her that "I was enough". For the last two years I held onto those words but now I am beginning to really doubt that. I am not even close to enough I am half of a whole trying to do the work of a whole plus some and I am faltering. Please pray for this family Gary keeps telling me he is ready to go home to be with Jesus, My girls are so anxious they don't know which way is up and our finances are in the toilet by the grace of God all but one month mortgage is paid till SS kicks in but I continually struggle to pay for the necessities of life I have to stop and think about everything, credit cards are maxed, overdraft loans are maxed savings is down to about a hundred dollars so all my reliance is now fully on God and that is an uneasy place to be I know it shouldn't be after all the awesome things God has done but it is :( We had our futre planned out Gary made a descent wage I was a Full time Mom and now everything is in Flux and days like today all that flux gets a lot overwhelming please continue to pray..

Wow I am so so so glad this week is over. Gary has had a marked decline in health and for the first time he told me that he has had moments where he has prayed God will take him home. To hear him say that just broke my heart this week. He has always been such a fighter but this week his fight is leaving. He has gotten to the point where he needs help with everything from medications to going to the bathroom and that just kills him inside. This big strong man that spent a life time helping others and being strong for others cant even go to the bathroom in the bathroom anymore and it is ripping his insides worse then the cancer is. I am not sure what the future will hold for my big man but I do know that he is in Gods hands but it is so hard to leave him there.
Finances continue to be the second biggest stressor in my life. I remember reading the biography of George Meuller and telling God wow wouldn't it be awesome to have the kind of faith that he had, I just didn't know that God would take that as a challenge. I get so angry with myself because mornings like this morning when I noticed I have 12 dollars in my checking account and an empty gas tank and I found out that our disability check would be 6 days latter than I thought.I am still not sure how I am going to get gas or any other necessities but I WAS able to pay my mortgage thanks to God laying it on the heart of a saint. I have seen God provide in ways that surprise me in such amazing ways but I still freak out when I come against a financial issues you would think I would learn by now.
Please continue to be in prayer for this family with so much going on and so much threatening to happen we are all on edge and all though we are desperately trying to sit back in Gods hands and trust him with the details it is so difficult so much unknown so much fear for tomorrow. Thank you all for walking with us through this horrible shadowland we are grateful for all that has come along side of us.

Another wild and crazy day :(

Today we faced a new issue. Gary has had times when he has been out of sorts before but full on hallucinations that is new. Heading to work this morning he seemed out of sorts I really didn't think much of it because I woke him up and when you wake me up I get out of sorts. I began to get a little worried as I got updates from my Mom he was throwing his remotes on the floor tossing his blankets just doing some weird stuff. When I got home I went in his room and the items on his table were scattered all over the floor and his sheets were in a ball at the side of his bed and he was batting the air, mumbling and air walking. Needless to say that alarmed me enough to call the Hospice nurse. She came by within a half an hour, she took his BP and His oxygen and observed him for a while and she seems to think he was feeling really bad in the middle of the night and probably took to many of the anti nausea meds to close together and he had to sleep it off. We took ALL his meds away from him and began "operation daddy check". We all took turns checking on him and recovering him. Thankfully tonight he seemed to begin to come around a little. He was actually a little irritated that we moved his meds and his remotes but we told him moving the meds was nurses orders and moving the remotes well that is our safety we didn't want to get a remote pitched at us when we came in. He is back asleep now I pray he sleeps peacefully and wakes up tomorrow back to his old self. Days like today scare me to DEATH. I worry about him so much and it just kills me watching the girls react to days like this. Merry especially she helped me a lot today and witnessed more of Daddy's loopiness than the other girls and I noticed her this afternoon sitting in His room quiet and she was holding her American Girl Doll and just crying. I don't know what is worse seeing the love of my life suffer like today or watch these precious babies watch their Daddy go thru all this. I hate that they are versed in the names of Chemo and all the terminology that goes with Cancer. I always took great pride in sheltering them from the world and allowing him to just be kids then Cancer invaded and they have had to grow up alot in a short amount of time. They have been amazingly strong I remember when my dad was ill and passed away my adult sisters and I had some real issues how in the heck do these young ones deal with this. Sometimes they don't and drive me even more crazy than I all ready am but I couldn't make it with out my girls and my Mom and all my friends I am so very blessed. A catch phrase in "the church" is too blessed to be stressed well I am so very blessed but still stressed but thankfully serve an amazing God that understands and loves me anyway :)
Tonight Merry tripped and fell on her bed and broke her bed frame we took the frame to the trash and put her bed on the floor and she just collapsed on the bed and said I wish it was October. Naturally I thought that being her birth month I figured it was a longing sigh for what she wants for her birthday( Kananni the AG Doll) but she said "no well finally holding Kannani will be magic but by then Daddy will be done with chemo and his cancer will be gone and he will be old daddy again" (insert knife deep into my heart) Sigh these poor girls how do you handle this at 10, 12 and 14 I dunno :(
I guess we will do all we can do and put one foot in front of the other count our blessings and trust God with the rest. Thank you for your continued prayers....

What an Amazing Day

Well Saturday came and was even more amazing then I had ever thought or imagined. At one point we had FIFTY people here FIFTY. It was a tornado of love. People we knew people we didn't know church friends,work friends neighbors of friends who heard about the work day and came out as a family to help the day was just amazing. We had a literal ton of stuff that went to the dump and another ton of stuff that went to a thrift store that supports an amazing orphanage in Africa. We even were able to bless a few people with odds and ends that they found. To look around the house now you just have to smile the things I thought they were going to do the kitchen floor and the carpet and then the surprises the new acoustic tiles in the living room and the shower repair in my bathroom. All the things that have just been such a burden the last couple of years DONE in one day. I pulled into the driveway today and saw my clean garage and thought, this is the house that Love built. On top of all the enormous blessings we had two of the three months of mortgage paid one by a friend and some of Gary's coworkers. WOW was the word of the day and the end of the day caped off by fireworks outside my window. I just started weeping with joy, this day will live in my memory and my heart forever. Thank you all who made Saturday happen you will never know what you did for our family it just wasn't paint and tile it was a refreshing for our heart and soul thank you from the bottom of my heart we will never forget the love we felt that day..

Overwhelmed but in a good way

We are just a little over 30 hours away from the Schriver Makeover Day. Everyone in the house is so excited about the changes in the house fresh paint, fresh floors, things sorted and cleaned and over all simplified. The count now is 23 people who RSVPed on Facebook and there are others who are not on Facebook that will be there. It is so very overwhelming to think that all those people are giving up their Saturday on 4th of July weekend to come out and help us. It blows my mind to even think about it. It is really funny Gary and I both spent a life time thinking we were not likable and people just sorta put up with us (I know it is silly just being real here) and to see how people pour out their love to us during this time I feel like Sally Field when she accepted the Academy Award "They like me they really like me". In the last few months this whole family has just had the stuffing loved out of them and this workday is the highpoint of all the love.
Most people don't realize that Gary has been feeling the effects of the cancer for well over three years now, he knew it was cancer in 2009 but that just put a name on what he had been feeling for a while. During that time he was just not able to do the things that he used to do and the girls and I would try to fill in some of the blanks but things have gotten in such disarray and it just eats at Gary and this workday is going to help give him peace that all those honey do lists will finally get done.
Thank you just doesn't convey my gratitude to all the people who are making Saturday possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart all of you who will give your time and energy and finances to help my family. You will be refreshing our home and more importantly our souls.

Oh and another way God is so good our mortgage got paid this month by an amazing angel who had been going through a storm of their own but still is there for us. I am friends with some pretty cool people and I am grateful to God for each one of you in my life and for the new friends I will make on work day. Oh and we are down to 29 hours now :} so excited EEEEe

I had a meeting today with my two friends that are heading up the work day at my house on Saturday.I found out that we get to get carpet in our family room. This room is 380 square feet and has the nastiest carpet with no pad at all and now it is going to be replaced with a beautiful tanish carpet. My girls are so so thrilled about their rooms their inspirations for their room is the other picture. We are also going to get the torn nasty flooring up in our kitchen replaced. These two spaces will make such a HUGE difference in our house it is going to just breathe some life back into our house. On the agenda is a bunch of yard clean up, furniture moving and garage cleaning. We are going to get rid of two broken sofas and will be down to one so we are going to have to get creative for sitting in that room but to FINALLY see that room looking good is truly a dream come true :). I am also excited that my sister is coming in tomorrow she and her husband are going to be here to help us with some prep work and they will be here to help on the work day too. I promise I will post before and after shots so you all can see my house go from sad to glad :).
Unfortunately where there is excitement there is also GREAT fear. This week is the week I have been fearing since before Christmas the week I am going to have to pay bills with less than HALF of what Gary's paycheck was. Mortgage is not getting paid at all and I am praying for a miracle in paying the rest of the bills. I woke up this morning at 6:30 and just sat in bed worrying how in the heck am I going to pay everything and what bills can I fudge on what bills HAVE to get paid. "Should I go and try to get a job?", but how would I work with Gary needing me so much and the kids, not sure what I would do with them. I ran through every scenario in my head and came up with no good solution. I hate to admit this but I HATE "trusting God" I want to do it. Like the meals that are so generously being prepared for us I would MUCH rather make you a meal then accept a meal given to us it is easier to be the giver not the givee in the same way it is easier to put your trust in yourself then put your trust in God. During my early morning worry session I was really hoping God would come down and give this great Mosaic type proclamation about finances and working and how in the heck I am gonna pay my bills but instead he told me Psalm 121:1 and 2 "I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth." So this week I am going to enjoy the love that will be showered onto this family on Saturday pray blessings on all that help make that day possible and look to the maker of heaven and earth to help me pay my bills, heal my husband and help my girls and see us through this difficult time.

The Lighter side of life

Things have been pretty heavy lately.A bunch of worries about health and money. Last week my ten year old read my blog and spent the entire day doing her best Damian imitation until we had a nice talk that night. So with all the heavy posts filled with concerns and prayer requests I want to take a minute and remember the Gary that cancer hasn't taken away but has hid him lately enjoy this video of Gary's truly wonderful singing skills ;)

Stuff on my Mind

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. Gary's health has been "iffy" at best, I have been warned by the Hospice nurse that this is how people act right before they die :( He has another bought of blood in his urine which scared the stew out of us all, this was not tainted slightly this was solid blood. Luckily the antibiotics did the trick so I am assuming that it was just another UTI.

Something happened today that really got me worried. He grabbed my hand right before I was about to run a few errands held on to it tighter that he had for a long time, started crying and said don't be long please. He hasn't EVER done that before I just looked at him and he was afraid of being without me. On one hand that makes me feel loved that he values my presence so much that it upsets him when I am not there but on the other hand it makes me feel horrible because I have three teenagers that have to maintain a sense of normalcy and have places to go and people to see and they want mommy there to be with them. How am I supposed to do it all? How do I split my time and attention up? How do I make everyone feel as loved as they are? I told Gary this week I really wish I could clone myself! I could use one to be his wife one to be the girls mom and one to handle all the administrative crap I have to go thru to get stuff started disability wise for Gary.

I also have my mortgage on my mind how in the world am I gonna pay it the next three months till social security comes through, this scares the girls too they worry we will be homeless. I try to tell them and myself (I need reminding) that God has blessed us abundantly and he will continue to look out for us. My favorite saying is God watches out for children and fools and we have both over here lol. It is amazing how heavy money issues can weigh on your mind the shoe box of medical bills, schooling in the fall, birthdays and so on and so on. I know that verse about consider the lilies and I believe it, I have seen it so abundantly the last two years God continuously surprises us with blessings. I even have a bunch of the blessings chronicled here on this blog but just as obstinate as the Israelites were I continuously doubt God. When I see a Red Sea of "stuff" that threatens to drown us it is hard to remember that God can part the sea and let you walk over on dry land.

One amazing blessing in our life is a work day that some dear friends are organizing. They are coming into our home and help fix it up and mend all the things that have been neglected the last few years while our minds have been consumed with cancer. They even have the first donation that will help make this day a reality. The people that are organizing this and will work it and the people who donate to make it happen have no idea the fresh air this will breathe into our family it will allow us to just take a deep breathe and relax :) So I pray all Gods blessings on all that have any part in this day I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am going to be completely selfish and ask for your prayers for me this week I am having to be all things to all people, figure out how to make some money while not leaving the house and a host of other things that my brain hurts to much to think about. I have been doing alot of that stuff for quit a while and the problem is I am exhausted emotionally, physically and in all other ways I need a new touch from God one that will help me to finish the race He has before me.

Look for lots of pictures and maybe even a video from that work day that has us all excited here :)

Another serious prayer request is that I found out Hospice wont pay for Affinitor and our doc wont help because they say hospice has to do it and I am not sure how we are going to get another round of it. This is just another thing Satan is using to slowly morph me into Ms Clause.

Thank you all for walking this Journey with us. draft

It has been a rough couple of weeks in the Schriver house. Daddy has felt really bad and has had a lot of problems we had to address. Hospice has been an invaluable recourse for us we have had to call the 24 hour hot line 3 times in the last 2 weeks and they have come to the house and even had medications delivered (a service I could grow fond of :). We have noticed this week a marked decrease in Gary's strength he sleeps the majority of the time rarely if ever gets out of bed and hasn't eaten solid food in 2 weeks. Last night I brought him apple sauce in a pouch and said lets eat something, he was being an obedient husband (took me 16 years to train him lol) and began to choke on the apple sauce he even ended up aspirating some of it and threw up everywhere. Seeing times like that make me worry and it has made the girls worry that daddy isn't getting any better and in fact he is declining. My girls have been such a help to me taking care of Daddy they love to call me a wimp because I cannot stand vomit or bodily fluids it makes me gag but they have no problem with it and they LOVE taking the pail Daddy throws up in and wave it under my face they think seeing me squirm is hilarious. My girls don't come to me and share because they know it makes me upset but they go to my mom and share and now they have phones so they text other family members and that is so invaluable for them they need that. We have had to deal with some pretty significant behavioral issues lately which I know is totally common but when you are all ready stressed to the max you tend to have behavioral issues back. I have filled my days with apt we have some kind of Hospice person pretty much everyday come besides emergencies and then in my spare time I have books of paper work to fill out. I was able to get his disability insurance from work started but we are still waiting on social security. Please be in prayer that they approve his claim and soon so we can continue to make our mortgage payment.
We were so worried this month about making our mortgage and God just timed payments to where we are able to make our mortgage and even pay some registration fees for the kids school in the fall so I know God will come through with social security but prayers are still appreciated. Also please pray for strength for all of us and patience and a supernatural peace to be on us all during this time. Everything the kids know and feel safe in is being threatened with Daddy being sick. My security too we had a perfect life he was the bread winner and paid the bills and yelled at me when I spent to much money and I took care of the home and the kids and schooled them and we were partners in everything we were a team now its just me paying bills running the house (my Mom is a life saver with the house) taking care of the kids, of him coordinating His care organizing the paper work attempting to earn some income on top of all the stuff with the kids and I am slowly being worn out I have not slept for more than a couple of hours every night this week constantly checking on Gary or helping him through some depression issues, wrangling kids who are on edge making sure they don't miss if daddy needs them. We are a huge mess right now and so prayers are so appreciated. We are all having to remind ourselves that our security,mortgage payment and money all comes from Gods hands and He has not let us down Thank you Lord for walking with us through this fiery furnace but anytime you want to let us out of the furnace that would be great too.

Today we had a dear lady from church come out and take our family photos and took special photos of Gary and the kids together. I have two family pictures now about a year and 4 months apart from each other. The one taken 16 months ago will be the image that I hold in my mind of our family that was really the last time Gary looked like Gary. I will cherish today's photos because they show us now a family that has been drawn even closer together by a horrible disease and a Daddy that even as sick as he is still came outside and even laid on the ground just to get a pic with his girls. Thank you and may God bless the amazing photographers in our life Jeff Westcott Photography and Rebecca Harvin you guys are so wonderful thank you for giving this family memories to cherish no matter what tomorrow holds!!!!!

A Step we were dreading

Tuesday I got called into a meeting with the social worker from our Oncologists office and she recommended that we bring in Hospice. I broke down in to tears to me this was the day I was dreading because in my mind this was it. If it was going to take Gary's hope away I was not going to bring them in. Thankfully it did not we found out that it would be an amazing benefit and he could continue the treatments he was all ready on. The information specialist came out Friday and told us the amazing care that they would provide and it was such a blessing. They are going to send a nurse out three or more times a week and a CNA to help with hygiene and a Chaplain and a volunteer to come out and spend some time with the kids giving them a some much needed special attention. I am still not thrilled with the idea of Community Hospice being such a HUGE part of our lives but I think it will be a huge blessing for this family. The social worker even said our days are numbered by God and Gary may outlive us all but we need to realize that the doctors cannot cure him but God still can but we need the services of Hospice until that day comes. Even the Hospice lady said we will gladly discharge you if God heals you and we will rejoice with you but lets take care of you now and that made us feel so much better. My heart still hurts every time I say the word HOSPICE but I am thanking God that this place is here to relieve some of the heaviness of the intense care that Gary needs right now and we can use this time to enjoy each other more.
Please continue to lift the entire family as we walk in to this new area please remember Gary's entire family this cancer effects so many and my heart breaks for his parents and brothers and grandmother I get to see him everyday I can put my hands on him as much as I want love on him whenever but they cant they have to observe from the outside and I know that has got to be so difficult.

Praise - Our God supplies all of our needs this week by Gods grace and His servants we had several needs filled in one evening and it was so overwhelming just to know that God knows all our needs and I thank God for the people He has blessed us with that listen to His leading and I pray that God would bless all that have sewn into us so very much
THANK YOU SO MUCH DEAR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WE ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR EACH OF YOU

Yesterday we celebrated Gary's 42nd Birthday it was a bitter sweet day. Sweet because honestly if you would have asked me at christmas if he was going to be here on his birthday, I would have told you, I seriously doubt it.Bitter because the whole party had to center around Gary's hospital bed.
He is to the point now he can stay awake for an hour or so but thats about it. I am exhausted the kids are going nuts with worry and misbehaving really really badly. Life is NUTS he has seven more days of radiaiton then it is back on the chemo.
I sometimes, well most of the time, am stressed beyond belief but God continues to suprise me with blessings. When my car broke down this weeek God sent me to a family mechanic who helped me with some deep discounts and then God provided for a good portion of the rest of the bill. We had food brought by a bunch of saints from church and then his work sent some food too so God has met us where we were and helped us. He hasnt gotten us out of the fire but He has walked with us thru the fire.
I am going between standing in faith and preparing myself for his funeral. If I seem really random right now thats about how I feel. If you think about us this week please pray for miracles as we finish up dissabilty at work and thu social securtity.
Most of all please oray that the healing we have all begged God for would happen and this family would have their Sweet Daddy back.

The Gift of a Meal

I went to church today and got blessed out of my socks we had 6 meals brought to church so we could put them in the freezer at home for the times that we need them. Life is so crazy right now with daily radiation visits and doctors visits along with all the other parts of life with thee teenagers we have been relying on fast food alot and we can neither afford it or need it health wise. The six wonderful saints that brought us meals will never know how much of a burden they lifted off of me this week. I know that I have done meals for people when I could but until I have gotten in the role of caretaker I never really appreciated how much meals help it doesn't matter if it is a frozen family size dinner or a box of fried chicken or home made spaghetti it is such an amazing special gift. Thank you all so much who have blessed our family and have helped ease the immense burden that has been placed on our family. I pray that God rewards you all 10 fold for your generosity. LOVE to all our friends we could not do it with out your help. We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and I think God every day for each of you.

Hospital stay

Gary went to his regular doctors apt on Thursday and he was so weak and in so much pain that they put him straight in the hospital. Thank God his Dad was there and he stayed with him while he got settled then his mom came and spent Thursday with him in the hospital. I went home and settled the children and got our bags packed and joined him in the hospital on Friday morning. While at the hospital they discovered the reason for the bad pain was an increase in the diffusion of the cancer in his right hip and left shoulder. That is not what we wanted to hear we wanted to hear it was going away :(. They were able to get him a walker and even a hospital bed to help his mobility. Those were delivered today and he is now sleeping comfortably in a nice new hospital bed. I take him to see the radiation oncologist on Monday for him to begin radiation treatments on the hip and shoulder in hopes that would alleviate his pain. Understandably he is scared his Independence is being threatened he feels like his life is being stripped from him one piece at a time and in a way it is. With this pain simple tasks like going to the bathroom have become almost impossible for him. The girls see his rapid decline the last couple weeks and it has scared them to death the idea of daddy not beating this cancer seems more real to them and it scares them Daddy is their best friend :(. I am just spent emotionally, physically, spiritually in all ways. I thank God for family and friends that help with the kids and help mow lawns and move furniture. Friday night the girls were picked up by one of the leaders at church and brought to a youth event and that just was the biggest stress relief for them they got to go and have fun and be a kid and not think about cancer and that just was such a blessing. We had visitors probably half the day on friday wich brightened both of us we also got what the volunteer said was the record for most "cheer cards" in one day :)and then a friend mowed our lawn today and family came and helped move stuff for the hospital bed they even helped me wheel gary in to the house. Thank you to all of you who participated in Operation Save Cindys sanity this weekend and operation Cheer Gary up:) Each and everyone of you are such a blessing we could not do it with out you.

A Caregivers Rant

Well we are at day 10 of the Affinitor it has been the most difficult chemo for Gary up to this point.He has been nauseous and has generally felt yucky but it is taxing his body so much he is barely awake anymore. It shatters my heart to be in his room and chatting with him his voice is barely over a whisper the majority of the time and he can barely stay awake and often falls asleep in mid conversation. He has not been able to shower in three weeks so I have been sponge bathing him. He is now experiencing almost debilitating pain in his hips and making it near impossible to even sit up for long much less walk around. The kids say they miss "fat daddy" since he is now over a 100 ponds lighter since Sept 10. They asked me tonight how are we going to take our Easter pictures this year since Daddy isn't with us at church?,that broke my heart this will be the first Easter in 20 years I will celebrate Easter without him. I now have it all on my shoulders His care, the home,the kids, upkeep of the home, finances everything. Gary and I used to be the perfect example of a marriage we were partners in every way but now bless his heart all he has in him is going to fight this disease. I think the kids have caught a clue to how overwhelmed I am and have been less needy and more helpful. I want our old life back I am tired of this one. I miss my husband so much, he is right in the next room but he cant come and snuggle anymore or fuss at me for spending to much money he cant do anything. He still is here but in away I have all ready lost him. This cancer just needs to go back to hell where it came from and leave us alone. God please strengthen my sweet mans body to fight this cancer and strengthen his spirit to fight depression. Lord please also help the girls and I we are all empty we need your touch Lord.

The Drug Finally Came

Well it took a solid week of fussing and fuming but the drug is now in our hot little hands :). Gary has now taken 4 doses it has caused him some liver pain and tummy issues but we are taking that as a good sign. Thank you for your continud prayers as he tries to fight this disease I have had my own battle learning to do the checkbook, learning to hook up a dvd player learning to do the things he used to it is sad and so very overwhelming. I never knew how much faith Gary had till I started doing the checkbook and now I realize he had to have an amazing faith to have gotten us this far with our finances lol. This whole family is tired overwhelmed and anxiety filled. Please pray for provision for this family as well as peace I miss peace :) God bless yall.

Answered Prayer

Thanks to a God that can move mountains and insurance companies and a very determined doctor the drug was approved.... ( yeahhhhh) It should arrive via mail in the next couple of days thank you Lord. Gary's spirits are mixed he is glad that he is able to use this drug but the is cautiously optimistic about its effectiveness. He is actively preparing me to live without him balancing checkbooks and such. He was lower than a snake in a wagon rut last week then he received a visit from one of the pastors at church and that really helped. He seems at least happy now which is a huge improvement over last week. I thank God that He is a miracle working God and as long as there is breathe in Gary's body there is still HOPE and that is what we are clinging to right now that HOPE. Thank you again for helping pray that insurance mountain away for us to get that new drug may this one be the key to his healing.

It has been a really LONG hard weekend. With the death of out friend last week the gravity of this fight we are in has become WAY to real. Friday night I sat with the girls as they cried and cried asking me what will happen if Daddy dies where will we live what will we do will you put us in an orphanage ( that one my answer was UH NO) they cried over our friend and cried for the young twins she leaves behind. Then Saturday his dad and brothers came over that was a high point after they left I think he was exhausted but it boosted his spirits so much. The girls and I got up and went to church today but it was a very hard service. The sermon was really great but it was sad it was all about dealing with the loss of a loved one and other stuff but my mind shut off after that. Tonight we brought Gary a little dinner and thought he was asleep like he had been for the last few days but soon he came into the room where I was and he was about in tears he laid next to me and I asked what in the world was wrong and he said he was lonely and did not want to die alone WHAT we sat and talked and he felt so alone and I reminded him we are just a whistle away he never has to be alone if he does not want to be conversations like that just about kill my insides.
Tomorrow is the memorial service for our friend and I am not going to go. I feel bad because I know if the tables were turn she is the kinda lady that would be there for me. I am afraid that if I go I am going to start crying and never be able to stop :( I told some one that my emotional health is a kin to a Faberge egg being tossed around a daycare center. I am so tired of living in the valley of the shadow of death. Tonight Gary rallied and spent a bunch of time with the girls and way after she was suppose to be asleep Merry came in gave him a huge hug and said thank you so much daddy I have missed you so much.
This next week I pray that we will hear something favorable from the doc about that chemo drug that they denied and to pay for it would be 6500 dollars ( woo baby)
Lord Give me the strength to be there for the people I love more than life itself and if it your will take this cup from our hands and deliver this family.