Trust

"Trust" why are these the hardest 5 letters in the English language. I found myself this week with a stress headache for two days worrying about how we will make it if Gary goes on disability, worried about paying for hotel rooms for 2 up coming trips (one business and one doctor ), worried about Cassie's school and making sure we do what we have to do to keep her teacher off my back and last night our car boiled over and we had to eat dinner at the MacDonald's parking lot to wait for it to cool down before we drove home. God made a way with work for now (shew) but all the other stuff is still weighing so heavily on my mind. Last night I got ticked at myself why do I continue to worry to the point of migraines. Maybe if God had never provided anything for us before I could worry but lately this blog isn't long enough to hold the unexpected blessings God has poured out on us. It truly has been a "provisionpaloza" lately. So last night as I sat in my room thinking about all this I wrote out our immediate needs and put on a note on the computer and decided I will do the natural and allow God to do the supernatural. I will think about the day we got our family portrait done and how I sat and cried looking at the rain and for the hour we were getting our portrait done the skies were a glorious blue. So if God cares enough to roll the clouds back for us to get our portrait than I have nothing to fear. The Bible tells us not to worry God clothed the birds and the Flowers (big time paraphrase) how much more does He care for us.
Oh Lord of blue skies and blue birds thank you so much for always being a wonderful father and thank you for constantly surprising us with new ways you tell us "I LOVE YOU".

Stressing out BIG time

I have to admit I am stressing so much today. It is hard enough to be there for everyone who needs encouraged, we call it "talked off the ledge". Be there to help the kids with their schooling maintain a home and feed people(if it wasn't for my mother I shutter to think what condition my house would be in) sort girl scout cookies and do ten million other things that go into my day. Today Gary had a call from his boss suggesting that he go on short term disability or take family medical leave. Disability would lower is income by half and family medical leave would mean no income at all. I have no real job skills to speak of. I have been a mom for 13 years I could go out and kill myself 80 hours a week and still not come close to the salary Gary makes. I guess the stress comes from my security if we have no money I cant feed my children and I cant pay our mortgage and keep our lights on. I guess this is a lesson about trusting God for everything and I mean everything. I have no reason to doubt God's provision His grace has poured out on us so much but I am really scared how are we going to do this how are we going to make it thru. Gary needs the work break to concentrate on healing I know leave will be the best and right thing for him and us but I don't know how we will pay our mortgage. I guess we have given God another chance to work a miracle.

Lord help me to learn to trust you completely and totally and know that you see when a sparrow falls you will see our need and meet it. Thank You Jehovah Jirah

For just such a time as this

¹⁴ For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”
(Esther 4:14, New King James Version)

Through my ordeal with my neuroendocrine cancer, I have befriended another man who also has the same type of cancer. The main difference is that his developed in his lungs not his bones. He had to have radical surgery to remove one of the lobes of his lungs but was doing very well. When we last spoke in December, he was very upbeat about his prognosis with the cancer and encouraging me that all would be well.

The last month or so has been hectic and we lost touch. I felt the Lord strongly urge me to call him today, so I looked him up and gave him a call. I was not prepared for what he told me.

He said shortly after we talked in December, he started to develop what he thought was pneumonia. The doctors prescribed antibiotics, but nothing seemed to help. He finally contacted Moffitt and the same doctor's office I am going to, and they ordered a new octreatide scan, as they were concerned that the cancer may have recurred and spread. He had the scans last week and the preliminary results do not look good. He still has some follow up, but he and the doctors fear the worse. He said the doctors have prepared him for the prospect that the cancer has spread and that he may not have much time left.

This was such a shock. How quickly things changed. A few months ago, he was doing better and looking forward to the future. Today, he is facing death and trying his best just to keep his head above water. He is a Christian and has been praying for me daily. He has assured me of his eternity with the Lord, so that is not a concernI felt very guilty that, although I have prayed for him, it has not been as regularly as it should have been.

He has the assurance of eternity as I do, so he is not sad. I admire his strength. Personally, this news hit me like a ton of bricks. My pastor often speaks of something happening that drains all the joy out of you, as though someone unscrewed your big toe and all the joy ran out. That's how I suddenly felt. I was so dumbstruck that I didn't say much in return. I fumbled and said a few encouraging things, but unfortunately, I was thinking mostly of myself. The last thing my friend said to me was, "Well, we know that the long-term prognosis of this type of cancer is not very good." I know that. I've done my internet research, and I know that medically, the options are limited. I am not in denial; I have simply been reckoning on a higher reality than medicine and doctors. I have staked my faith on the Great Physician -- the Lord God Almighty. Still, this was a hard pill to swallow.

I had looked to my friend as an inspiration regarding my healing. Now I feel that slipping away, and it scares me to think of my own prognosis, so far as the world is concerned. This hit me hard and my faith faltered. I moped around most of the afternoon and evening and couldn't pull my head out of the fog. This dredged up all the doubts and fears that always linger just below the surface. It calls into question so many of the questions I have had about God's healing -- questions that I still can't reconcile in my own mind. I think of several friends that I have lost to cancer, one friend in particular that I have never been able to understand. I prayed and prayed for her, fasted for her, cried out to God for her healing, as so many many others did, and yet she still died, leaving a grieving husband and a young son behind. Yes, God was good to her husband and son and provided a great lady for them. I'm selfish though. I don't want someone else to be my wife's husband! I don't want someone else to raise my children! Me, me, me! Is that selfish enough?

I have sensed so strongly that God has promised me 40+ more years on this earth. He has work for me to do here and He knows that Cindy and the girls need me, yet I grapple with so many questions. God is no respector of persons, so I no more "deserve" healing than anyone else does. It is like salvation -- a gift that came through the shed blood of Jesus (see previous posts). By that, I rest on that promise, yet I ask myself, "Who am I to claim MY healing, when others who did the same died?" Am I being selfish? Am I being foolish? These are questions I'm struggling to understand.

Cindy and I had a long talk about it tonight. It was a difficult talk with a lot of tears and things said that would not befit a man of faith. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, yet Cindy spoke the Lord's words to stop looking at myself and to realize that God had me call my friend today KNOWING that I would learn this news. Why? I don't fully know, but I know partly that it is because I need to step up my prayers for him, prayers for healing. Prayers for a good report. Prayers for hope and not despair. My friend needs me now more than ever to stand with him. If the worst comes to pass, then I need to be there for him all the more even to the end. I know this, yet it is difficult, because in facing his mortality, I also face my own. I am not afraid to die. I know where I am going. Yet I struggle with what would happen to Cindy....my children. That is my failing, in not trusting the Lord enough to know that they are in His hands regardless of what happens.

I want to run away from this. It seems more than I can bear, yet perhaps, as Mordecai told Esther, it may be that I have been brought into this "for just such a time as this", to put aside my own fears and selfish desires and look outward to the needs and hurts around me, particularly my new friend. God, give me the strength to face these things, and forgive me for allowing my faith to falter. Forgive me for any selfish desires I have. Cleanse my heart, O God. Cleanse my heart of every hurtful way and every impure motive that keeps me from serving You and serving others with all my heart, above all else including my own life. Amen!

Deep Breath time to start a BUSY three weeks

Tomorrow Gary starts his second week of radiation. This week the doctors will continue the pelvis radiation but will add the lower back. He has done okay this week so I hope adding another site wont mess him up to bad. Tuesday he not only has the two spot radiation but we go straight from there to his medical oncologist for his monthly chemo type drug infusion. This drug has a record of kicking his butt so it kinda scares me what that on top of radiation will do :(. The kids are involved with kidquake kids service at our church so add in all those extra rehearsals as well as cookie booth for girl scouts a business training weekend in Savannah for me the next weekend and the next week a three day trip to Tampa for an extended doctors check up, that isn't including all the schoolwork, housework and all the million other things I all ready do and you see why I am a little anxious. How am I going to get all the "stuff" done that is normal life on top of taking care of the love of my life who I know will be down and out with all he will go thru this week and get ready for TWO out of town trips in TWO weeks and how are we gonna pay for it all. (KABOOM) that was my head exploding :) I guess I need to do what the title of this says take a deep breath and give it ALL and I mean ALL over to God and HE will take this jumbled mass of stress and give it peace. I read a funny quote in guidepost magazine that said "you know moses started out as a basket case" I love it that's so me :)

Lord I stop now and take a deep breath and breathe in your peace and let you Lord take over and have your way in me this week

Gary update 2/20 - Radiation week 1

My radiation started on Tuesday of this past week. I have four weeks -- 20 treatments -- altogether, so as of now, I'm 4 down, 16 to go.


I had hoped for no side effects and, although they have been relatively mild, I've had some big ups and downs this week. Other than the fatigue which I was warned about, I've been having really bad abdominal cramps. The doctor had mentioned nausea as a side effect, but I haven't had any nausea thank the Lord, but I've had these bad cramps. I asked the doctor about it and he agreed that these were a result of the radiation. He said that the bowels especially are very sensitive so that any disturbance in that area can set them off. Usually this results in nausea or irregularity, but in my case, he said that these types of cramps would not be unusual. He advised an over the counter remedy which has helped take the edge off, but that's all.

Been a long week!!!!

Wow this week has been tons longer than I thought it would be. Gary felt the affects of the radiation from day 1. But today he only took about an hour long nap and even went to choir practice at church. He has worked from home everyday(thanks to our lap top angels) and will probably do so for the entire month but today was pretty darn good. I am a little anxious for him, he starts radiation on a second spot on Monday so what will radiation on two areas do to him?
For us at home it has been a little difficult not only to see him not feeling well but we are having to adjust our schedule to fit him working from home. The kiddos are having to do something they aren't really good at "being quiet" :) I thank God for understanding teachers that know this month school work will be done at a slower pace.
I thank God we have made it this far. It has been a tough fight but we have managed to remember our vows to each other 15 years ago "sickness and health richer for poorer till death do us part". We tease we have masted sickness and poorer now we want to have a chance to master health and richer :).

3 days of treatment down 17 more to go... With Gods help all things are possible !!!!

Radiation - day 3

Well, I just got home from day 3 of my radiation treatments. So far, so good. Sometimes it takes a few hours for the treatment to "kick in" which usually means it kicks me in the butt, but I'm hoping that today will be a better day. I've been having a lot of fatigue and abdominal cramps. The doctors say this is definitely because of the radiation. I dread thinking this will be my life for the next 3 1/2 weeks. 3 down, 17 to go. I'm praying that this radiation will have the effect that it's intended to have on the cancer cells, but I'm believing that I will stop having these horrible side effects. God is good and is always faithful. I know He will help me through all of this. I will prevail. Amen!

Day two has gone pretty well Gary has been tired but not completely out. It broke my heart to see him so out of it. Something else that
made yesterday difficult was the kids, on the way to scouts they broke down in the car asking why everything shows people dying of cancer
and will daddy die. I told them people do die from daddy's cancer but we are trusting God the great physician. When they say marathon boy do they mean it for the whole family.

Please forgive me if this looks weird typing this on my iPod touch remotely. Aint technology grand lol

Radiation day 1

Gary had his first day of radiation this morning and it did not go well. If this is what we are going to face everyday for the next 4-6 weeks I don't know how we will all face it. Gary is ill. The kids take turns in tearful/angry fits and yet life still has to go on. I am tired and it has just begun.
Lord give Gary the strength to handle this radiation and let the radiation do its job and give my children a peace they have not had for a while and me strength to be there for all I need to be there for.

We are Humbled

This journey has been perioulus to say the least but it has been overwhelming, how many people have been praying for us. Last night we found out that Gary's moms sunday school class has comitted to praying for Gary every week instead of meeting for breakfeast. That is so humbling that a group of ladies would give up their social time to lift up our family in prayer WOW. Daily we have people tell us they are praying for us and you can tell they really mean it. We have had people tell us that they pray for us as a family with their kids, which I think it is so cool kids praying for kids. I have even had people stop to pray with me over chat on facebook. THANK YOU to all who have comitted to pray for us. The prayers are working God has shown himself so mightely to us and He continues to meet our needs in mighty ways.
We continue to be in aw and humbled and thank God everyday that we have a support system and we know that thru the effective fervent prrayers of our rightous friends we will see healing from this horrible disease.

9 hours

Well it has been a really awsome weekend we have all just rested in eachother and totally enjoyed each other. I thhink we are all taking a deep breathe bracing ourselves for the coming month of radiation. Nine hours from now we will be sitting at the Oncologist beginging the next step in our journey. What will this do to Gary? Will he get sick? Will it work?
Lord thank you for a wonderful weekend and Lord help us thru the next month.

Only one day left

This weekend has been one of the best weekends we have had in a long time. Gary took the girls to a daddy/daughter night at chick-fil-a on Friday night. I got my Ipod touch in the mail Friday from my nephew and niece, Gary went paint balling with friends and had a blast Saturday morning while I took Grandma and the girls out to lunch this afternoon. I also got something from Gary I really wanted, an overnight bag from Vera Bradley so I can check into hotels in Tampa in style. It has been so obvious to us that people have been praying for us to have peace and some refreshing because we have in spades. Gary's energy has been doing better this week than it has in a long while. I actually feel refreshed and ready to head into next weeks radiation. I am not sure how the radiation will affect Gary the doctors say he will have extreme fatigue and some nausea but who knows? I just thank God that He granted us a couple of days of peace before the next whirlwind begins. One more day then the practice run of radiation then Tuesday morning he begins the 4 to 6 week process. So please keep the prayers coming!!!

God you are so good to give us rest in the dessert places!!! God you R.O.C.K !!!!

3 days left

Well, we now have 3 days till Gary starts his first round of radiation. He has tumors all over his pelvis and lower spine and even a few sprinkled other places.They treat problem areas with radiation as they develop. This round they are going to focus on his right hip area and if he tolerates the radiation they will do his lower back at the same time, but he might have to wait on the back till after this four weeks. The next two months are going to be so challenging for us. I have a professional conference I have to go to for my job in March in Savannah and the Thursday and Friday after the conference we have to head back to Tampa for another scan and doctor apt.

We realized in the first 6 weeks of the year our family has had 3 ER trips 1 hospital stay, one trip to Tampa and too many doctors atpt to count so why would we think the next 6 weeks would be any different :)

Being gone so much has really affected the children and it isn't going to calm down any time son so please keep them in your prayers.

Lord grant us peace and strength to get thru this next month and help Gary make it thru this radiation without many side affects.

In the midst of the storm

I began this year looking so forward to 2009 being over knowing 2010 will be worlds better. SURPRISE! Things have not gotten better in fact they have gotten even a little more intense. But in the midst of the storms, some really cool stuff has happened. And God has been more present than ever before. Our life has been sort of like that picture above. That day was cloudy and stormy but when we needed God the clouds rolled away and God made a way for the photos to be taken. There have also been several things that have happened answers to prayer and provision from sources that were totally unexpected. As we face radiation in a week and are dealing with children who are increasingly angry that things are not the way they used to be and wont be in the foreseeable future. I thank God that He is all ready working to pull down barriers and making our paths straight and somehow we ARE going to get thru this I am not real sure how but I will look at the picture above and remember the clouds rolling away and think to the day when the clouds of sickness will roll away and life will return to a new better normal.

Gary update - 2/4/10

Well, I had my F Dopa Scan and mapping today. I didn't have a bad reaction to the F Dopa thank the Lord! I did get a slight headache, but nothing compared to the reactions I've had to some of the other stuff.

I will go in on Monday, February 15 for a "Film check" (verification of treatment planning) and then will begin the four weeks of radiation starting the following day, Tuesday, February 16, each weekday morning.

The Effect on the Children

Last night Merry pulled Gary aside and broke down into tears. She asked him if we could go on a vacation soon just us and not to visit anyone or go to a doctor JUST a vacation. She told him she was sorry for telling Grandma that she hated her but it was so hard because they have spent so much time away from us it hurts :(. Sometimes you forget that this Cancer thing affects the WHOLE family. It breaks your heart to see your child cry so fervently and she informed us that she knew finances would not allow it right now but she was gonna pray and she asked us to agree in prayer every night with her. Other than being stinking cute I am so happy to see that the first thing she turns to when things are tough is the Lord. Turning to the Lord will see her thru all that may come our way.
In reaction to this Gary suggested we take a late night family run to get a milkshake and drive down River Rd and just enjoy each other. Good Plan in theory!!!!
As soon as we walked out of our house Cassie yelled it looks CREEPY out here (the clouds were hanging low and it did look creepy) and look over by the woods behind the cemetery it looks really weird. That was enough to start the creep out then at McDonald's she looked at the guy behind us and whispered that guy looks like a bad guy!!! Then continued to look behind her frightened. Now she is trembling!!! We proceeded to drive down River Rd when Cassie yelled "I think I see a man in the woods" well that did it our peaceful drive turned into Cassie 11 laughing in glee and Merry screaming begging to be brought home RIGHT NOW!!! Got to love kids!!!!
Lord please help my Children lean on you to get them thru the trials that are still yet to come and help us Lord carve out time to be together.