It has been a really LONG hard weekend. With the death of out friend last week the gravity of this fight we are in has become WAY to real. Friday night I sat with the girls as they cried and cried asking me what will happen if Daddy dies where will we live what will we do will you put us in an orphanage ( that one my answer was UH NO) they cried over our friend and cried for the young twins she leaves behind. Then Saturday his dad and brothers came over that was a high point after they left I think he was exhausted but it boosted his spirits so much. The girls and I got up and went to church today but it was a very hard service. The sermon was really great but it was sad it was all about dealing with the loss of a loved one and other stuff but my mind shut off after that. Tonight we brought Gary a little dinner and thought he was asleep like he had been for the last few days but soon he came into the room where I was and he was about in tears he laid next to me and I asked what in the world was wrong and he said he was lonely and did not want to die alone WHAT we sat and talked and he felt so alone and I reminded him we are just a whistle away he never has to be alone if he does not want to be conversations like that just about kill my insides.
Tomorrow is the memorial service for our friend and I am not going to go. I feel bad because I know if the tables were turn she is the kinda lady that would be there for me. I am afraid that if I go I am going to start crying and never be able to stop :( I told some one that my emotional health is a kin to a Faberge egg being tossed around a daycare center. I am so tired of living in the valley of the shadow of death. Tonight Gary rallied and spent a bunch of time with the girls and way after she was suppose to be asleep Merry came in gave him a huge hug and said thank you so much daddy I have missed you so much.
This next week I pray that we will hear something favorable from the doc about that chemo drug that they denied and to pay for it would be 6500 dollars ( woo baby)
Lord Give me the strength to be there for the people I love more than life itself and if it your will take this cup from our hands and deliver this family.

Kutless "Everything I Need" (Official Music Video)

Tonight we got word that the friend who was in her own cancer marathon finished that marathon in Jesus arms tonight and is now whole and cancer free in heaven. She was a young woman around the same age as Gary and had 3 year old twins that will miss having this amazing woman there to guide them into adulthood. WHY why is the God who is a healing God allowing this beautiful woman to be taken, why does he allow my husbands life to be threatened, why does He allow babies that have been prayed for from the time of conception almost to die shortly after birth, why is my 10 year old having behavioral issues because she constantly worried that one day she is going to wake up and Daddy will be gone, why are my girls having to make plans to go to a daddy daughter dance with their grandpa and uncles WHY? I wish I had this magic bullet answer to that question but I am really struggling with it tonight. I have prayed and prayed what God has show me is life is like the back of a cross stitch piece all knotted and nasty and sometimes darn right ugly but only the master craftsman knows what the front looks like and it is a beautiful picture. I look forward to the day when I can look back from heaven and say ohhhh that's what you were doing God. Until that day I have to be like a child and trust that my Daddy will keep us all firm in his hands and provide for that sweet man who is grieving the love of his life and the children who are too young to really understand what all this means and trust that as we walk through the shadow of the valley of death we will fear no evil and know that HIS rod and staff will comfort us.

God help that precious family shower them with your love and your peace

NEED PRAYER

We need everyone to be in prayer God can move mountains but can He move insurance companies, I think he can. We just found out that the last ditch effort chemo drug that they want Gary to try will not be covered by the insurance and if we bought it it would be THOUSANDS of dollars. We do not have enough money right now to go to Chilli's for dinner much less pay thousands for this med and we need Gods intervention and favor with the drug company and doctors office to work this out some how. I want to say we tried it ALL and I don't want some stupid insurance company to stand in the way. Thank you for your continued prayer and support as we travel this difficult road.

The drug is Affinitor if anyone wants to know.

The following is a beautiful verbalization of how we are all feeling. Yesterday we found out the good news that his brain is clear of cancer but found out that his liver is failing again the chemo is not working anymore. We are going to try another chemo but even the doc said our options are running out.









I will not deny God is God, but right now life stinks and I want to just screeeeeeeeeam!!!!!!!



We raised a fine son who has worked hard and made a good life for he & his family. He has been a faithful servant. He has four ladies in his life who need him and he them. We all need him. And this, this cancer, it is his reward??? Humbug! I know there're a lot of folks worse off in this world, but this can never be explained to me this side of Heaven and to my complete understanding. The thought that our son is fighting for his life is smothering us all. God, he is your son too. I know people of all ages die, but it is not the natural order of life for a parent to outlive their children. I can't even imangine what Gary is going through right now. I know what we are going through and again, it stinks. I would throw myself in front of a train if I thought it would do any good. We all feel helpless.



I pray again and again that You will see your way clear to reach down and heal this cancer. Walk with him and with all who know and love him. This is hard for me to say right now, but it is still Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven and I will do my best to understand whatever the outcome. In Jesus' name. Amen



We are so thankful for everyone's continued thoughts, well wishes and prayers.

Valentines Day Ba hum bug

This year Valentines is really hard. The love of my life is in the battle for his life and there is not much left from the battle for doing the things we used to do. It makes me so sad to think of the walks down the beach we used to take when now walking across the room is a struggle for him. My normally pleasantly plump husband is nearly 100 pounds lighter than he was just 6 months ago. What I would give to wake up and the last 18 months to have been a dream. I want my old husband back so bad I can hardly stand seeing him suffer the way he is. My poor baby is fighting so hard against this cancer and I am so proud of him. The blows just keep coming tho, this week he may be forced to finally go on disability which will mean half our salary gone and medical coverage gone. He is also getting an MRI to check and see if the cancer has spread to his brain :( We are all so tired the kids are about on the edge of nervous breakdowns after my 40 days of medical crap and Gary just wants it to be over and this cancer GONE and I am just numb and I am okay with that cause if I am numb at least I wont cry and I am tired of crying. Please keep this family in your prayers we are all just about at the end of our ropes and need God to refill and refresh us. Also please remember a friend of ours whose wife is in the battle for life as well they need strength and peace as well. Happy Valentines and take the time to Thank God for your love if they are healthy and with you. I know our spouses can get on our nerves and be difficult but the alternative is not having them so cherish every second you have with your love ones we never know when those moments will be threatened or taken away.

Another "fun" week at the Schrivers NOT

*SIGH* Gary went to the doctor this week for his regular blood draw and we were hoping it would all be fine and he could start the chemo again but nope :( His blood was actually really good all his levels were back up to where they needed to be and he casually asked about the nausea he was experiencing he said even the drugs would not fix it. Then the doctor said well lets do an MRI and and see if something is pressing on that part of your brain. Okay he never actually said mats to the brain but what else could be pressing on anything. He has to wait on the chemo yet again till we get the results from the MRI oh and did I tell you that all this was happening while I was having an in office operation on my foot. You know you just have to laugh it is so absolutely NUTS what goes on around here it is only Feb 10th and I have had one major and one minor surgery and Gary has had one round of chemo and praise God NO hospital stays. Please not only keep us in your prayers please keep our children in your prayers they have gotten used to Daddy sick but now that Mommy seems to be falling apart on them they are starting to loose it especially my youngest I am her anchor her stability in a very unstable life anymore and now that I have had such issues she is really coming unhinged. This whole family is just exhausted this journey has been so long we are praying that God will very soon heal Gary and we can go back to the life we had cause we are tired of this one :(

Two week Chemo Break

Gary is almost done with the two week hiatus he had to take from chemo. His blood counts were starting to go down and he has had 16 or so blood transfusions so they are trying to keep him from having to get anymore blood. Did you know that the more blood you get the more antibodies you make and the harder it is to find a blood match. I didn't know that. I am thankful that they are taking their time with the chemo because it has taken me longer than I had thought to recover from my gall bladder surgery so it has been difficult to get Gary where he needs to be. Monday he goes back to the doctor an hopefully they will give him the okay to start the chemo again. I am still amazed at how the chemo has helped. I thank God when I see him because I honestly thought that I would be burying him at this point in the year but instead we are hopeful and optimistic that he is getting better and can beat this thing.
The other day I was looking through a craft store and thought oh we can do this on the 4Th of July and this on Christmas and I just had to smile because at Christmas a couple of months ago I was fervently praying that Gary would not die around Christmas so it wouldn't ruin the day for the kids forever. I don't want you to misunderstand Gary is still not out of the woods he has a LONG road to beating this cancer but Praise be to the God He has restored our hope that he will be healed and someday this cancer will be an unpleasant memory.