It has been a really LONG hard weekend. With the death of out friend last week the gravity of this fight we are in has become WAY to real. Friday night I sat with the girls as they cried and cried asking me what will happen if Daddy dies where will we live what will we do will you put us in an orphanage ( that one my answer was UH NO) they cried over our friend and cried for the young twins she leaves behind. Then Saturday his dad and brothers came over that was a high point after they left I think he was exhausted but it boosted his spirits so much. The girls and I got up and went to church today but it was a very hard service. The sermon was really great but it was sad it was all about dealing with the loss of a loved one and other stuff but my mind shut off after that. Tonight we brought Gary a little dinner and thought he was asleep like he had been for the last few days but soon he came into the room where I was and he was about in tears he laid next to me and I asked what in the world was wrong and he said he was lonely and did not want to die alone WHAT we sat and talked and he felt so alone and I reminded him we are just a whistle away he never has to be alone if he does not want to be conversations like that just about kill my insides.
Tomorrow is the memorial service for our friend and I am not going to go. I feel bad because I know if the tables were turn she is the kinda lady that would be there for me. I am afraid that if I go I am going to start crying and never be able to stop :( I told some one that my emotional health is a kin to a Faberge egg being tossed around a daycare center. I am so tired of living in the valley of the shadow of death. Tonight Gary rallied and spent a bunch of time with the girls and way after she was suppose to be asleep Merry came in gave him a huge hug and said thank you so much daddy I have missed you so much.
This next week I pray that we will hear something favorable from the doc about that chemo drug that they denied and to pay for it would be 6500 dollars ( woo baby)
Lord Give me the strength to be there for the people I love more than life itself and if it your will take this cup from our hands and deliver this family.