One thing after another after another after another

People ask me if with all we are going thru does God feel distant and I have to say no. Both mine and Gary's relationship with God seems to be even stronger than before all this. "So what is wrong" is usually the next implication if you and God are good then all should be ok just let your burdens on the Lord and rest in HIM. Well Gary's health and our abysmal finances are firmly in His hands but that is not what is exhausting me. It is the constant stream of major crisis that have just about worn me to the core. I trust God he will heal Gary, I trust God that SOMEHOW the money to make all these trips to Tampa and the gas for a MONTH of radiation will be there supernaturally. I trust that He is my heavenly Father and He is as close as ever.
I have had to get up from being knocked down so many times in the last 6 months that it is slower to get up anymore. Please don't misunderstand what I am about to say. I would never think ever of taking my own life; however, I actually found myself the other day thinking boy heaven will be amazing it will be a hundred year hug from God and none of this other CRAP. Sometimes things like this make me long for Heaven even more :). I am not ashamed to admit I am so TIRED and we are not getting any break in between crisis they are just coming one right after another. Like child birth if you have a break between contractions you can get thru it, its just when the contractions never stop is when you start to loose it :).
Please God give us a break a time to fill up from all the stuff going on I thank you for never leaving us and always seeing us thru.

Gary update - 1/29/10

Well, it’s been an up and down week for us. I had my first appointment with the local radiation oncologist this past Tuesday (1/26). Despite the circumstances, this was a very positive appointment. Cindy and I were very pleased with the great attitudes of the office staff, the nurses, and the doctor. We met with a social worker there who told us about a program that helps children of cancer patients come to grips with their parent’s disease. They have a set of six weekly sessions. The next set of sessions begins in April, and we think we definitely want to get the kids involved. This meets at Riverside Presbyterian Day School close to where I work and they have people come from the Cummer Gallery of Art and Gardens to do art and craft projects with the kids that revolve around cancer and the kids’ feelings about it.


The first session explains to the children about things like what cancer is and treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation. One of the neatest art projects they told us about is called a “strong box”. The kids put together a box that they put slips of paper into that tell which things are helping them deal with their parent’s cancer, such as their faith, family, friends, etc. They also can write down their fears and place them into the box. These sessions are interactive with the parents involved too, with the hope of fostering openness with their kids about how they’re feeling. We’ve seen firsthand that it can be difficult for our kids to open up to us about my cancer, even though we have sat down with them several times to talk to them about it. Annie is struggling but prefers to deal with it privately which isn’t always good. Cassie usually will confide only in me, and I know from those confidences that she is very worried. Merry has had a lot of behavioral problems which we’re sure are related to the stress of this, but she doesn’t want to open up about it. We hope that these classes will help all three of them become more comfortable talking about this and will help us all as a family.

The Day After

Today is the dreaded Day after treatment. Yesterday Gary had his monthly Zometa infusion. The day of the infusion its not so bad but the next day poor Gary wakes up with horrible bone pain and feels like he was hit by a mack truck. It is so hard to see my big strong man feeling so bad. I am happy with the doctors we have found for the first time in 6 months I don't worry every minute that I am going to loose him. This cancer thing is a marathon and I think God for helping us with the strength to make it thru.Oh what a party it will be when he is finally declared cancer free.
Lord give Gary strength to endure these treatments and heal his body and continue to heal our hearts dear father. Thank you for never leaving us even when the storms have raged and we worried we would drown you have been there holding our hands. Thank you Abba Daddy :)

In every high and stormy gale my anchor holds...

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

God gave me a wonderful vision the night before last that I would love to share. That night, well, actually early yesterday morning at 4:00 a.m., I was awakened by a horrible storm. It was thundering and lightning, and the wind was blowing so hard that the windows and walls were rattling, and almost-horizontally-falling rain was pelting the windows like pebbles! It was quite a racket, and it startled me awake.

Gods Kiss from Heaven

Last month we were scheduled to take a family portrait but due to several factors we missed it. Today we were finally able to reschedule the shoot but it was supposed to rain!!!! I prayed and prayed all day yesterday begging God for the rain to wait till Monday and it seemed like the weather report was in my favor. Today walking out from church I was greeted by rain drops, my heart fell!!!! The shoot was a couple of hours latter and down at the beach so I thought just maybe? The clouds were nasty and drizzly but we held out hope. We stopped in a Publix to change clothes and I just sat in the restroom almost in tears that once more this glorious photo shoot was going to be canceled. We held off till about an half hour before the shoot but we called the photographer and told him not to worry the shoot would be rained out. Luckily the photographer listens to God and started to turn around but came our way anyway and I am so glad he did!!!! Ten minutes before the shoot the rain stopped and by the time the shoot happened the skies were blue and beautiful. God showed me in such a magnificent way that HE cares for us and hears our prayers. Hears our prayers for a pretty day and for healing :) Today felt like God reached down and lovingly kissed my forehead in return after the shoot I blew Daddy a kiss!!!

Thank you so much God for hearing our prayers about beautiful days and healing of bodies. You never cease to amaze me by your love and care for us.

Gary update - 1/22/10 - only a week late!

Thank you everyone for your prayers for Annie. She is out of the hospital and doing better. I think she has more energy than she’s had in a long time! Now we have to figure out how to address all of her underlying health issues. After all the craziness, I’m finally able to write my status from my 1/14 and 1/15 Moffitt trip.

January 14 was just basic blood work and a repeat of the contrast CT scan I had back in August to see if the cancer had spread. It was fairly uneventful.

My January 15 appointment with the neuroendocrine oncologist was at best ambiguous. The radiologist reviewed the biopsy results from Shands, but they were inconclusive, he said due to “demineralization”. The doctor rendered a diagnosis based solely on the comparison between the two CT scans. He said he was “fairly certain” that I do not have the aggressive form of neuroendocrine cancer. That’s great news! The “fairly certain” part was a bit disturbing. I would love something more definite.

Peace

Annie got out of the hospital today. Boy was this a LONG week. Home from Moffitt for 4 hours then to the hospital with Annie. We both are still just feeling road hard and put away wet :(
We are just now starting to process the Moffitt trip. They did say it was non aggressive but treatment options are really limited to one or two only mildly effective drugs. So happy on one note and kinda depressing on another. This is a roller coaster ride so I guess we are at a down swing of the roller coaster but I am believing God that very soon that roller coaster will be on an up swing and the news will improve. For now we are gearing up for the twenty rounds of radiation and the two more trips to Tampa in the next two months we have to take on a limited budget with a car that is on its last legs. The Bible says where we are weak HE is strong so I guess we are just gearing up to see God invincible :)
Lord Thank you for walking with us thru the shadow of the valley of death and help us to fear no evil and rely on you totally

AHHHHHHHHH

Literally 4 hours after we got home from Tampa we had to take my eldest daughter to the emergency room with 104.7 degree fever. They got her fever under control but found she was severely anemic so she has been on the hospital since then. I have not slept for three days so this post is probably a grammatical nightmare. Please pray for our family we have reached so far past the point over over stressed we are all so weary it hurts. Thank you for your prayers!!!

The Aftermath

We made it home today in one piece. The prayers for safe travel where so greatly appreciated, especially from me (the passenger in the car). I think both Gary and I are now emotionally and physically drained. This has been such a LONG process.The baby steps we are making is so much better than the standing still we had been doing. There is no cure for this cancer it is just a matter of finding the treatments that will keep them from progressing up his spine and radiate the tumors in the pelvis that hurt him. So we appreciate your continued prayers as we CONTINUE down this long and winding road of cancer treatment. Oh for the day that cancer can be cured with a shot and its no big deal :(
Being at Moffitt was heartbreaking because you saw how many people are dealing with this horrible disease. Sitting in the lobby waiting for Gary I saw an elderly couple who in their hay day were most likely on the social page. The woman was beautiful and elegant and the man all though in a wheel chair managed to retain his nice looks and high style. There was a young couple walking down the hall the wife clad in a scarf to hide her bald head and her dedicated husband holding hands around an IV pole that held the chemo that was curing and killing her all at once. There was woman tenderly pushing her husband in a wheelchair the man so weak he could not even raise his arm. They stoped and he complained that his ear itched and she lovingly scratched it for him. There were many many more I spent my waiting time lifting each one of them up in prayer that God would heal their loved one and their hearts.

Todays Visit

Today is finally over. We have lived with the thought that Gary's cancer could be the aggressive kind for a month and thankfully those fears were quieted today. The doctor said there is not a MARKED increase in the number of lesions from the August CT scan. I think we both took a collective SIGH of relief when he told us that. The elation didn't last long when we realized we now have to attack the lesions that are there and that includes radiation and new types of drugs some experimental that may or may not be covered with insurance. We also got a good look at his cat scans for the first time with the radiation oncologist and she showed us how invasive his cancer really is and I think that really frightened us. His pelvis is COVERED with lesions. In a way today was a breath of fresh air and in other ways it was like turning the corner in a long race expecting to see the finish line but instead it is another mountain. I am so happy that we have options. We both are pretty weary at this point and it is sobering knowing how far of a road is ahead but with God's help and the prayers and love of family and friends I know the finish line of this race will be VICTORY over "Bob Fitzgerald". Die Bob Fitzgerald DIE!!!!! :)

We are here!!!

Well the waiting is down to a few hours. I have to admit we are feeling the prayers of so many. We are still anxious, but it is a small anxious and not the all consuming anxious that was with us at the beginning of the week. THANK YOU for praying. It means so much to us both. I plan on updating this tomorrow with the good news we have been praying for. "Hope" -- that is what we want to come out of Moffitt with. I know that our hope is in Jesus, but I have been fervently praying that God will allow the doctor to give us some hope too.. Till tomorrow hugs ;)

Zero Hours Left

We are about to leave for Tampa. Last night the people at church gathered around Gary laid hands on him and prayed for him (he will blog about this latter ) it was AWESOME it helped us both feel better about what is coming tomorrow. Thank you Lord for faithful prayer warriors and grant us safe travel as we head down to Tampa!!!

Less than 24 hours

Shew we made it to the day before and luckily today is CRAZY so my mind is not focused to much on tomorow. My stomach is in knots tho. I shouldnt be worried about this we know what God told us,but the fear is still there and my "fight" is running low. I have prayed that no matter what the doc says there will be some hope given. The last doctor gave us no hope. Back to my crazy day today then off to Tampa tomorow please keep us in your prayers in the next couple of days we so need the peace that passes all understanding.

Lord grant us the strength to get thru today and the calmness of heart to get thru the next couple of days keeping our eyes focoused on you NO MATTER what the doctors say we will believe the report of the Lord

75 hours

The last 4 months have been the HARDEST of my ENTIRE life. The cont down to treatment is now 75 hours. In 75 hours we will be siting at Moffitt Cancer center waiting for the doctor to confirm his original diagnosis and let us know if the cancer is aggressive or not and wether there are treatment options or not. It has been a really hard couple of weeks anticipation saterday night we sat in eachothers arms and just cried. That night Gary cried harder than I have ever seen him. The emotional toll this is taking on this family is almost unbearable. Sunday morning we went to church and God met us there and gave us this HUGE spiritual hug and we so needed that. Someone also slipped us a special gift again something we really needed. It is always amazing when we think we are going to CRACK God shows up and lets us know we are not alone.

Lord help us get thru this next couple of days and handle the news whatever it may be from the doctor on friday. Lord we need your strength because ours ran out about two weeks ago.

Bob Fitzgerald

We decided this week that the word "Cancer" is in our vocabulary WAY to often. We cant exactly stop talking about it so we decided to rename it to "Bob Fitzgerald" .
So as Thursday approaches we are getting even more anxious about our trip to Tampa Thursday he goes thru even MORE testing and Friday at 11:30 we find out if "Bob Fitzgerald" is aggressive or not and if Radiation and chemo will help keep "Bob Fitzgerald" at bay. And ultimately the doc will give his opinion (Gods opinion is greater) if this will Kill him. My heart has been in constant hurt this week I want to know and cant wait on one hand and on the other I am TERRIFIED. I am so tired of "Bob Fitzgerald" touching every portion of our life and I hope and pray our journey will end in healing very very soon :)
God Please, Please give us the strength to persevere thru this journey we NEED your strength and Joy!!! Please God heal our hearts and give us joy!!!

The butterflies begin

In a week we will be in Tampa waiting to hear what exact kind of cancer Gary has, their prognosis and treatment. I should be THRILLED that this means treatment will begin but I have to admit I am really nervous up till treatment begins there are moments when I can forget what we are facing as a family but once treatment begins cancer will be in our face all the time. I HAVE to figure out a way to toughen my heart up I have to be stronger now than I ever have before. We are believing for a miracle and if I can figure out how to pull it together I wont be able to help anyone. I was doing good with faith believing that he will be healed then cancer will be a distant memory for us when a friend of ours found out that her cancer came back with a vengeance and is now facing multiple surgeries and months of treatment. Not only is my heart broken for her and her family but I am so afraid even when Gary is healed Cancer will always be that 500 pound canary in the corner.

Lord help me to have a fighting faith enough for our family and help me be an encouragement to other families going thru this same struggle

A Leap of Faith

All last week I kept thinking about Gideon in the Bible and how God called him to battle a huge army with 300 unarmed men and he WON.Last night we talked about the Indiana Jones movie where he had to take a leap of faith onto this chasm that seemed like a hopeless situation. This is kinda like 2010 for us we HAVE to take that leap of faith that GOD will heal Gary and not look at our situation but look to GOD. So instead of new years resolutions we are making a New Years Faith stand to truly believe in Gods healing power for Gary and HIS provision for us. So as we step into 2010 God we raise the banner of FAITH believing in your healing power and wait expectantly for your miracles to come in health and in provision. With you Lord all things are possible!!!

Feeling useless

Many times over the last several weeks, I've had days where by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I've been so fatigued and tired that I've tried to "power nap" and have really lapsed into a coma instead. I've asked the doctor about this. He said that cancer can cause this, the medicines can cause this, the stress and depression that come about with dealing with the cancer can cause this, so take my pick. He said that, ideally, I should be on disability at work, but my work disability plan covers me at 60% income without benefits, so between losing 40% income and my health insurance, I just can't do that. My work has been very gracious and understanding. I am salaried, so my boss said I'm judged based on whether I get my work done, not on how many hours I put in. I have been able to hold things together, but it is getting more difficult.

The other day, I got so tired that I just couldn't function. I went to lie down for "a few minutes" and woke up 3 hours later! Cindy said she and the kids had been trying to get me awake but couldn't. That really hit me hard.

You know the saying "once in a blue moon" that happened last night as we ushered in 2010 I thought it was so apropriate how something rare and unique happened on the first morning of the new year. God just reminded me that a cure will be found for Garys cancer once in a blue moon. SO May it be so Lord that Garys cancer and so many others will be cured this year!!! 2010 a year for miracles!!!!

This is Gary getting his Zometa infusion this week. I didn't go with him to the appointment so I sent him with my camera and said have a nurse take a pic. He groused and said "why so you can put it on facebook" and I said no even better the BLOG :) He always laughs at me for taking pics of him going thru stuff but the one time he was in the ER I promised him I wouldn't take a pic and one of the pastors came in to pray with him and the first thing out of her mouth was did you get a pic for facebook. HA!!!! see people like seeing you in these situations;-)