Feeling useless

Many times over the last several weeks, I've had days where by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I've been so fatigued and tired that I've tried to "power nap" and have really lapsed into a coma instead. I've asked the doctor about this. He said that cancer can cause this, the medicines can cause this, the stress and depression that come about with dealing with the cancer can cause this, so take my pick. He said that, ideally, I should be on disability at work, but my work disability plan covers me at 60% income without benefits, so between losing 40% income and my health insurance, I just can't do that. My work has been very gracious and understanding. I am salaried, so my boss said I'm judged based on whether I get my work done, not on how many hours I put in. I have been able to hold things together, but it is getting more difficult.

The other day, I got so tired that I just couldn't function. I went to lie down for "a few minutes" and woke up 3 hours later! Cindy said she and the kids had been trying to get me awake but couldn't. That really hit me hard.

I started longing to return to life before cancer, when I could work throughout the day without tiring, when I could do a lot to help out Cindy who has her own health problems. Now I feel more of a burden than a helpmate to her, and a liability to my family.

I am still struggling with this, a feeling that I'm useless to both God and man. I haven't even felt up to updating the blog until today. It has really been a struggle. I don't for one minute believe that God caused my cancer. The rain falls on the just and the unjust -- at different times, I fall into both categories. We live in a fallen world, and Jesus never promised us that life would be carefree when we put our trust in Him. In fact, He told us just the opposite. He said that, "In this life, you [I] will have trials...." Those completely away from God get cancer, and people who are striving to live as unto the Lord also get cancer. I've long since moved away from the "why?" questions. I'm just trusting God that I will be completely healed soon.

I have always needed to be doing something to feel a sense of usefulness. The cancer and associated fatigue be it from the cancer itself, the meds, or indirectly, has taken away my ability to do all the things I used to do, and frankly, it stinks! Now I feel useless!

I cried out to God about this. We spent a long time together going through this. God reminded me that my salvation was not earned, and neither is my healing. By the stripes Jesus bore on the Cross, I am healed inside and out, and saved from an eternity away from God. Jesus also offers life abundantly, not just in Heaven after physical death, but life here on Earth. What God reminded me is that none of this was earned. None of this was deserved. If we received our just deserts, we would all be left out of God's presence forever with no hope except for a pitiful life, death, and an eternity apart from Him. Jesus OFFERS Himself to us, not because of anything we have done or didn't do. He freely offers Himself to us as a free gift if we will receive HIM, not because of what we have done, but because He loves us! "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God...." (Eph 2:8 NKJV) And with this acceptance, we receive that abundant life and our healing.

What God had to remind me is that, just like I didn't earn or deserve my salvation, I can't earn or deserve my healing -- it is given! It is done! There is nothing I can do or not do to earn or to nullify this healing. It is given freely. Right now, I am feeling useless, but I am not. I have a purpose in the Kingdom of God, and a purpose remaining on the Earth. I need to get out of this "works mentality" that somehow by the good things I do that I will earn the right to be healed. That is nonsense! We are saved "for good works" (Eph 2:10). We are not saved by good works. I should do my best to serve the Lord with all that is within me and to love my neighbor as myself. I should do my best to help Cindy and others, but not beat myself up or presume that I won't be healed if I don't do enough. That is where God's grace and mercy come in. His grace covers us with His favor even though undeserved. His mercy is from everlasting to everlasting and His mercies are new every morning. His mercy spares us from judgment. We are not condemned. Praise the Lord!

Our value is not in who we are or what we do, but in WHOM we serve! Our worth is in Him!

The last thing God told me that day was to STOP looking back at the starting line. STOP looking back at the way things were and pining away for them. That time is past and will never return. We must press ahead to the race before us, no matter what shape or form that race takes. When you leave the starting line of the race, looking back will only cause you to stumble. Look ahead to the race God has set. Instead of pining away for what was before, look to what lies ahead. What lies ahead is not weakness and death, but the greater glory of the Lord revealed and my healing!

Praise the Lord!

⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not of works, lest anyone should boast. ¹⁰ For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8-10, New King James Version)