WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY

In less than 24 hours we will be standing in DISNEY world. All though it is a little depressing knowing how we got this trip ( Memories of Love its like Make a Wish for adults) I am so excited to be going. I have wanted so bad to take my girls to Disney for a long long time but have never been able to now tehe. This will be a week filled with memories and special moments that the kids will never forget and neither will I. Thank you all for lifting this family up and I ask that you would say a special prayer for health on all while we are on this trip. Strength for Gary as we trek thru the parks and health on my accident prone girls as they swim and run around for a whole week. When we get back I will be sure to post pictures of the girls very first trip to Disney eeeeee I am so excited!!!!

Art Therapy week 2

This week was Art Therapy week number 2. This week we all did strong boxes. These are folded paper boxes that we wrote on the top in white crayon the things that made us strong and as we painted the paper the invisible white letters became visible. Inside the box held little secret slips of paper that held our fears. Some of my fears were "being a widow by 40" "watching my big strong man fade". Gary's mostly were about us about not being able to provide for us. One of his biggest fears is that if something happens to him we would loose our home (he is my knight). The kids came bounding back into the room and of course they told us there fears were things like " I am afraid of Winnie the Pooh" or "I am afraid of bees". As they ran out to get some energy out on the playground I did what every good mom would do so don't judge me :) I looked in Cassie's strong box and they did take it seriously but like we all do more often than we should the true fears where folded in humor. Tightly folded was " I am afraid Daddy will not be able to play with me like he did" and " I am afraid things will never be the same again". As tears filled my eyes I reassured Gary they are taking it very seriously and closed up the box.

The girls have clung to art therapy they are with kindred spirits this has been a group where they can be comfortable with everyone,the teachers are there for them and the kids are in the same boat as them. It has been great for Gary too because he feels like he is not alone there are others who are facing this horrible beast of cancer. He is seeing the faces of the other people in the group and realizes that the flood of emotions that we are going thru is not unique to us. I on the other hand I tend to put myself in go mode and try hard not to think about things I KNOW but it is easier to just to move forward but nights like these make me stop and really deal with the emotions that are there. These people aren't interested in a trite "I am fine" answer they dig and its good but wow is it hard.



God in heaven take heed of all those fears placed in those strong boxes and replace those fears with the peace that passes any understanding so that we can not walk in fear but in the blessed assurance that you are with us no matter what..

El Nino

We just got home from our second trip to Tampa in one week. Last week was our 3 day marathon trip to Moffitt and this week Gary's Grandmother passed away and her funeral was this weekend. In between time we started art therapy so it has been one heck of a week. People say keep your chin up this is just a season well it is an El Nino Season.
I was really glad the kids did well this weekend they have been so tired from our last trip I was worried. Tired children equal Hell for adults. They came in to the funeral and struck up conversations with everyone figuring out if the people were family or not. They so enjoy being with people I love that about them. Cassie made fast friends with a the granddaughter of Grandmas husband they chatted about everything from serial killers to terrorists (eleven and a half year old minds gotta love it). They are such good examples to me about how even when the world is one challenge after another and you really want to just sit in the corner and cry there is still a world around us that needs us to be a part in it. And there are still people that need us to be friends with them. We have a new week ahead of us and I am going to try to take a cue from my rug rats even tho we are going thru and El Nino season of trials there is still life to live and Friend to make and fun to have. So as a dear friend of mine told me to do I will go in to the week singing one day at a time sweet Jesus..

Side note the funeral was a lovely funeral very sweet and a wonderful celebration of Grandmas life. I told Gary that when I die I don't want simple I want a multimedia celebration with singers, smart light,instrumentalists and a program with pictures in it. He laughed and told me and a disco ball rising from your coffin with staying alive playing in the back ground :) I smiled and said yep now you got the idea tehe

Art Therapy

Tonight was our first night at Family art therapy. We started out the night horribly lost, then once we got there they informed the kids that instead of pizza they were going to have chicken salad on pita bread and fruit salad. Anyone want to venture a guess how the kids took that revalation :). We sat as a family during dinner or as my girls made sure we knew was really a snack, during dinner we got to meet all the staff. All the staff and volunteers were so nice everyone bent over back words to make this a pleasant experience, the lady in charge of name tags even said she would make Merry's doll a name tag next week (that just about made me cry). Then we broke up the kids went to their groups then the adults went to theirs. We shared how our children were coping with treatments and shared how hard it was to sit and look at our kids sweet faces and tell them that daddy had cancer, then I shared how I have had to Field pointed questions like "is Daddy going to die?". We all agreed how do you answer that. Everyone there had different forms of cancer and at different stages but we all had one thing in common our spouses had cancer that could possibly kill them and we had small children who we have to try to preserve their mental health while not loosing our own.
I was a little surprised my my feelings after the group I thought I would feel so much better but I really didn't. I am not sure why but when I got home a full on bummed out was my mood. I am happy the kids enjoyed themselves they LOVED the art and they are thrilled we will have a party on the 6th week at the Cummer. I haven't told them some of their art work will actually hang at the Cummer yet that will be the ultimate for them. Even though I am a little down tonight I cannot wait to go back one thing felt good being with people who were in exactly the same boat as us. I now have 5 new amazing families to add to my prayers.

Lord bless those families that were represented tonight bless them with your peace, provision for all the miriad of medical expences and health, touch their bodies Lord and heal them of this horribloe disease and grant those sweet children the gift of both parents.

Another Step on the LONG winding road

Well we made it back frim Tampa and with the help of my wonderful inlaws we came back with our sanity well sort of :). The apt was not what we had hoped. We were hoping to go in and they say the scans showed the cancer is stable, but instead they said the scans were inconclusive (the worst word in the english language) and they needed to do another round of different scans in 6 weeks. During the exam Gary told the doctor about the pain he has in his rib and shoulder and that the Radiation oncologist had seen something on the shoulder but he wasnt sure what it is, thats when the Doctor told us that he was fairly certain that the cancer has spread there and when we scan in 6 weeks we will confirm. WHAT SIX MORE WEEKS is what I wanted to say. If you are fairly certain then go scan his behind NOW.. He talked about adding more medicines to the mix in 6 weeks and then more radiation. It is just all so overwhelming sometimes. We ended up going to lunch crying a little then when we got back to the hotel we just sort of collapsed and thanks to Grandma and Grandpa we were able to actually take a little nap. By the time we woke up this morning we have sort of pulled ourselves together realizing that we serve a BIG God and we are surrounded with so many wonderful loving people how can we go wrong. So this journey has still got a long way to go but I thank you for standing with us and letting us know we are never alone. I am truly grateful for all that has been done for us from phone calls, facebook messages to meals it all lets us know we are loved and that you are standing with us.

Gary update 4/9 - Day 3 - Another "big day" fizzles

We had our visit with the neuroendocrine doctor today to go over the octreatide scan results. Another disappointment: The results were "inconclusive". He mentioned the drug sandostatin again and said that "statin receptors" in the neuroendocrine cancer cells are what uptake the octreatide. In my case, they are not. He says this does happen in 1 of 10 neuroendocrine cancers.

The “What If” game I have been sitting in this hotel room playing this mind game. It is not a pleasant game ,not helpful at all. It is so hard to wait for the doctors visit tomorrow!! It is like our whole peace and provision rides on that appointment tomorrow and I know all that is in God but it is so hard. I am praying that they will tell us “the radiation worked wonders and nothing has spread and all is well come back in 6 months”. What I fear they will tell us is” the radiation worked some but unfortunately the cancer has spread and he needs to quit work immediately and begin further chemo/radiation treatments” . Or even worse “the cancer has spread and there is nothing more we can do go home be with your family and get your affairs in order”.
Now I know that the “what if” game is not of God and I know that is not the thing HE wants us to do. I KNOW HE wants us to cast off all vain imaginations and put ALL our trust in the one who created us in our mother’s womb. My mind knows that but my heart is having trouble believing my mind. I guess a lot of the “what if” game is actually fear. Fear of loosing my husband and being a widow in my thirties. Fear over how in the world we will survive without Him. Fear over how would I ever learn how to use his checkbook software with out him . Then there is the fear of how will we make it if he goes on disability how will the mortgage be paid? Even working 50 hours a week I don t think I could make half of his salary. Emotionally how am I going to be there for my kids if we have to see daddy so sick again or worse how will I help them thru if we loose him. How would your daddy dying when you are a teenager screw you up mentally. I was 28 when my dad and it was horrible. I told Gary if he left me to raise three teenage girls alone he would rest in peace till I got there then watch out!!
OK maybe venting on all of my blog readers will get the “what if game” out of my head so maybe tonight I can sleep unlike last night  Thank you for listening to my irrational venting. I don’t have an impartial person to really sit down and unburden with so I really appreciate you blog readers very much. I know that you are praying for this family and I truly am grateful. You all are great listeners 
Lord Jesus I pray that you will fill my mind with your perfect peace the peace that passes all understanding….

Just for a giggle: I have a daughter who is almost thirteen full on into the ditzy teenager phase. Yesterday when we were waiting for Gary in the Lobby of the Moffitt CANCER hospital she looked at me and said it sure seems like there is a lot of people with cancer here? I just had to say well DUHHHHH where are we she answered ”Moffitt “ I said ok finish the name of the hospital and my 9 year old who is going on 29 piped in and said Moffitt CANCER hospital of course the people around here are going to have cancer gesh  gotta love sisters :)

Tampa bound !!!

Well we are putting the final touches on our trip to Tampa for yet another visit to Moffit. I have to admit I am pretty anxious. The doctors will will let us know how his cancer is doing whether it has gone down, about the same or has or spread. Please pray for us as we head down with three kids in toe. We need grace for the apt, grace for traveling mercies and grace for provision to cover expenses. Thank you all for walking with us on this journey we will keep you posted.

I am so proud of my Gary

I am so proud of my sweet man. He is finally starting to feel more like his old self and he jumping rite back into life. This weekend he is going to sing in the Church's Easter pagent he also is singing a solo in the communion portion of the program. This is challenging when you feel a hundred percent so I know this is really tough for him. I am also proud of him for picking up his guitar again. He had put his guitar down when the one doctor told him that he had two maybe three years left to live. I think he is finally coming to a place of trust in God that HE is the one who numbers his days not some goofey doctors. We have no idea what tomorrow holds for us but no one does. This month is a big month we start the month with a trip to Tampa to see of the Cancer has spread and then the 24th we go and see if there will be anymore radiation and then we get to forget about all the doctors and go to Disney at the end of the month. We also start family art therapy on the 13th. As you can tell this month is going to be a wild one for our family filled with fun and nerves. I covet your prayers as we enter into this month with so much going on.