The “What If” game I have been sitting in this hotel room playing this mind game. It is not a pleasant game ,not helpful at all. It is so hard to wait for the doctors visit tomorrow!! It is like our whole peace and provision rides on that appointment tomorrow and I know all that is in God but it is so hard. I am praying that they will tell us “the radiation worked wonders and nothing has spread and all is well come back in 6 months”. What I fear they will tell us is” the radiation worked some but unfortunately the cancer has spread and he needs to quit work immediately and begin further chemo/radiation treatments” . Or even worse “the cancer has spread and there is nothing more we can do go home be with your family and get your affairs in order”.
Now I know that the “what if” game is not of God and I know that is not the thing HE wants us to do. I KNOW HE wants us to cast off all vain imaginations and put ALL our trust in the one who created us in our mother’s womb. My mind knows that but my heart is having trouble believing my mind. I guess a lot of the “what if” game is actually fear. Fear of loosing my husband and being a widow in my thirties. Fear over how in the world we will survive without Him. Fear over how would I ever learn how to use his checkbook software with out him . Then there is the fear of how will we make it if he goes on disability how will the mortgage be paid? Even working 50 hours a week I don t think I could make half of his salary. Emotionally how am I going to be there for my kids if we have to see daddy so sick again or worse how will I help them thru if we loose him. How would your daddy dying when you are a teenager screw you up mentally. I was 28 when my dad and it was horrible. I told Gary if he left me to raise three teenage girls alone he would rest in peace till I got there then watch out!!
OK maybe venting on all of my blog readers will get the “what if game” out of my head so maybe tonight I can sleep unlike last night  Thank you for listening to my irrational venting. I don’t have an impartial person to really sit down and unburden with so I really appreciate you blog readers very much. I know that you are praying for this family and I truly am grateful. You all are great listeners 
Lord Jesus I pray that you will fill my mind with your perfect peace the peace that passes all understanding….

Just for a giggle: I have a daughter who is almost thirteen full on into the ditzy teenager phase. Yesterday when we were waiting for Gary in the Lobby of the Moffitt CANCER hospital she looked at me and said it sure seems like there is a lot of people with cancer here? I just had to say well DUHHHHH where are we she answered ”Moffitt “ I said ok finish the name of the hospital and my 9 year old who is going on 29 piped in and said Moffitt CANCER hospital of course the people around here are going to have cancer gesh  gotta love sisters :)