Almost two years to the day ....

Someone was asking me exactly when he got diagnosed and frankly the last two years have been one gigantic BLUR so I said I will go back to my blog and find out. Our life began this horrifying spiral on August 6th 2009. That day while cooking dinner I got a phone call from Gary that the doctor called and told it was CANCER. Since then he has gone from one radiation treatment and chemo round to another. The following is His words from that first family update which turned into the blog we now write...
"I got a call from my primary the same day saying that the radiology report came back saying that appeared to be metastatic bone cancer of the pelvis extending from my right hip around my lumbar back to my left hip. He said we didn't know for sure but if it was cancer that we needed to jump on things quickly. This all happened last Thursday (8/6) afternoon, so we were terrified to say the least, but trusting God that He would see us through this. He is the Healer!"

Two years latter we are still terrified and still trusting God...

Uncertain times

It has been a VERY difficult several days here at the Schriver's. Saturday had a pretty good day we even watched a movie with him in his room. Sunday night he woke me up and called me into his room and said very panicked "I think I am dying" he had trouble breathing and was VERY agitated and panicked. We called the Hospice nurse in at 4 am and he said that he was breathing well and his BP was good so he gave him some meds to control his anxiety and he went to sleep. The next day he was less awake then the day before and when he was awake he started having trouble getting his words out. The next day he slept most of the time and he could barely speak at all. I have not really slept these days and last night my mother in law came over and spent the evening in his room allowing me to get a few hours of sleep. Today he has been VERY restless moaning and groaning most of the day he has been very restless. The future for my sweet man is so uncertain it is terrifying to think of how ill he has become. I think back to conversations about his Great grandmother who was in a coma for 10 years before she passed away he said "I pray I am never like that a sound mind in a body that doesn't work" unfortunately that is what he is right now I know that HE is in there and he is trying to communicate and be there but his body is just not doing what he wants it to do. My little one was so excited tonight she leaned over his bed and whispered "I love you daddy" and he whispered back "I love you too" she was so excited she got an I love you :(. Please continue to pray for this family as we go through this new season of uncertainty please pray that no matter what happens God will instill his peace in us all.

Praise report God has provided in such amazing unexpected ways and we have shampoo and milk and cereal and the kids favorite TWO boxes of easy mac :) I thank all of you who provided meals or groceries or gift cards to us it has taken such a burden of of us and we have been able to focus on our sweet man. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Blessings :)

Last week I had a mini break down. The stress of all that has been happening just got the better of me. A husband/best friend who kept telling me he wanted to go home, a disability check that came SEVEN days late, kids that were going ballistic from all that has happened, a ten year old who told me she wished she would die so she wouldn't have to face life anymore :( Late bills yada yada yada the list of stresses just goes on and on. I was thinking if I was God (thank goodness I am not) I would have handled me like the crazy woman passenger in the movie Airplane where all the people on the plane took turns smacking the mess out of her. But instead God just did what every good parent should do he waited until I was done with my tantrum and just gave up. Then God just said "if your done will you trust me"?? I wish I emphatically said YES I TRUST YOU GOD but it was more like go for it give it your best shot!! I think God must like a challenge because wow He began this string of blessings that really surprised me. Friday I got a facebook from a high school friend who said that her sister had a "few" things for us we met her on Saturday and the word few is not the propper description it was a huge box and about 6 reusable grocery bags worth of food and it included awesome things. I was chatting with her outside my car I kept hearing my little one squeal oo peanut butter, oo easy mac ooo cereal ooo ooo ooo it was HUGE all those toiletres and paper products we hadn't been able to get was in those bags. SHAMPOO was in there good stuff too. Meat and basic staples it was such an amazing blessing I think the highlight was a half gallon of chocolate milk it was gone about an hour after we got home :) Saturday afternoon the prodigal disability check FINALLY came and I paid all my bills online that night and boy that felt so good. There was a low point in the weekend Gary fell last night and we had to have the paramedics come and help him up and then had to have a visit from one of the hunky male nurses ( that was not so bad;). Thankfully he was not hurt he was a little sore this morning but ok. My wonderful father in law asked me last night if we wanted him to come and sit with Gary while we went to church and normally I would have said NO you go to church but I think that the girls really needed that break and so did I. Church was amazing just seeing my friends at church and getting all those hugs just breathes life back into my soul. We also got a great card and a check from a new friend. New friends that is one of the side benefits from that work day people who I knew of I now call them friends. We were also blessed with three meals and money to get a fourth. WE NOW HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE :) I assure you we were not skipping any meals and I could stand to skip a few but the basic Staples we ran out of and it is such a stress to not have something and not have the money to get it. At points the kids would just wail WE HAVE NO FOOD :( lol translation we didn't have any easy mac, cereal, milk or cheese pizza.
I am a little nervous about what next week will bring Gary still feels really bad and he continues to have trouble breathing even with the oxygen so please pray that Gods will will be done this week and that the peace that passes all understanding will be on us all no matter what happens this week. We really value all your prayers and thank you all so much for all the special ways we have been so blessed.Thank you for loving me through my tantrums too :)

Strong enough

Yesterday my ten year old snuggled close with the ipad and said "here listen to this I think we both need this right now". This song says exactly how I feel. Thanks Merry for reminding me of the song.

Update from last post the mortgage did get reposted and went thru fine (deep breathe) Thank you Lord !!!

just some wild faithless ranting plz ignore

I woke up this morning and found that the mortgage did not go through because something else went through and was about 5 dollars off. I just want to scream some days, I am praying after an email to the mortger they will resubmit and all will be ok but it is just so FRUSTRATING. I am frustrated at the seemingly ENDLESS financial struggles, I should just be rejoicing and dancing with all the miracles that God has performed in our finances but I am so TIRED of having to pray and ask for those miracles. I just want things back to normal with a normal paycheck. Right now we are relying on God for EVERYTHING from gas to food to mortgage everything. I cant even go pick up my shampoo from the store yet cause his check hasn't come yet. It is so wonderful and amazing to see how people have walked with us and stood with us with meals and that work day wow that was cool. I want to be the one that stands with someone now. I am tired of waking up and praying that Gary hadn't passed away in his sleep. I am tired of worrying every time I leave the house that when I get back I will have missed saying goodbye to him. I hate the seemingly endless visits from nurses and social workers and bath ladies. I am SICK of having Hospice on speed dial. I am sick of answering questions like "is daddy gonna die" and "will you send us to the orphanage if Daddy dies". I am sick of trying to figure out what I will do as a job to support my family if something happends to Gary.I am sick of behavior issues from kids who haven't got the emotional maturity to deal with life (who does). I am sick of making plans with a disclaimer explaining that if Gary gets sick I am not gonna be there. I am so sick of writing birthday cards for Gary for the girls to have if he is not here to celebrate with them. I am sick of busting out in to random fits of tears. I am sick of tension headaches. I am sick of my life I want things to go back to normal I want to spend too much money and have Gary yell at me. I want Gary to come in the bedroom door with pop tarts with a heart made from food coloring on it. I want to sit next to Gary in church. I want Merry to mouth off to me not knowing Gary is around the corner and to see the "oh crap" look on her face because Daddy does not allow Mommy to be disrespected. I want to get super anxious about something and have Gary come in hold me and instantly calming me down then pray for me. I am just so DONE with this nightmare we have been living. I had a dear friend prayed over me a week before Gary was diagnosed and said God told her that "I was enough". For the last two years I held onto those words but now I am beginning to really doubt that. I am not even close to enough I am half of a whole trying to do the work of a whole plus some and I am faltering. Please pray for this family Gary keeps telling me he is ready to go home to be with Jesus, My girls are so anxious they don't know which way is up and our finances are in the toilet by the grace of God all but one month mortgage is paid till SS kicks in but I continually struggle to pay for the necessities of life I have to stop and think about everything, credit cards are maxed, overdraft loans are maxed savings is down to about a hundred dollars so all my reliance is now fully on God and that is an uneasy place to be I know it shouldn't be after all the awesome things God has done but it is :( We had our futre planned out Gary made a descent wage I was a Full time Mom and now everything is in Flux and days like today all that flux gets a lot overwhelming please continue to pray..

Wow I am so so so glad this week is over. Gary has had a marked decline in health and for the first time he told me that he has had moments where he has prayed God will take him home. To hear him say that just broke my heart this week. He has always been such a fighter but this week his fight is leaving. He has gotten to the point where he needs help with everything from medications to going to the bathroom and that just kills him inside. This big strong man that spent a life time helping others and being strong for others cant even go to the bathroom in the bathroom anymore and it is ripping his insides worse then the cancer is. I am not sure what the future will hold for my big man but I do know that he is in Gods hands but it is so hard to leave him there.
Finances continue to be the second biggest stressor in my life. I remember reading the biography of George Meuller and telling God wow wouldn't it be awesome to have the kind of faith that he had, I just didn't know that God would take that as a challenge. I get so angry with myself because mornings like this morning when I noticed I have 12 dollars in my checking account and an empty gas tank and I found out that our disability check would be 6 days latter than I thought.I am still not sure how I am going to get gas or any other necessities but I WAS able to pay my mortgage thanks to God laying it on the heart of a saint. I have seen God provide in ways that surprise me in such amazing ways but I still freak out when I come against a financial issues you would think I would learn by now.
Please continue to be in prayer for this family with so much going on and so much threatening to happen we are all on edge and all though we are desperately trying to sit back in Gods hands and trust him with the details it is so difficult so much unknown so much fear for tomorrow. Thank you all for walking with us through this horrible shadowland we are grateful for all that has come along side of us.

Another wild and crazy day :(

Today we faced a new issue. Gary has had times when he has been out of sorts before but full on hallucinations that is new. Heading to work this morning he seemed out of sorts I really didn't think much of it because I woke him up and when you wake me up I get out of sorts. I began to get a little worried as I got updates from my Mom he was throwing his remotes on the floor tossing his blankets just doing some weird stuff. When I got home I went in his room and the items on his table were scattered all over the floor and his sheets were in a ball at the side of his bed and he was batting the air, mumbling and air walking. Needless to say that alarmed me enough to call the Hospice nurse. She came by within a half an hour, she took his BP and His oxygen and observed him for a while and she seems to think he was feeling really bad in the middle of the night and probably took to many of the anti nausea meds to close together and he had to sleep it off. We took ALL his meds away from him and began "operation daddy check". We all took turns checking on him and recovering him. Thankfully tonight he seemed to begin to come around a little. He was actually a little irritated that we moved his meds and his remotes but we told him moving the meds was nurses orders and moving the remotes well that is our safety we didn't want to get a remote pitched at us when we came in. He is back asleep now I pray he sleeps peacefully and wakes up tomorrow back to his old self. Days like today scare me to DEATH. I worry about him so much and it just kills me watching the girls react to days like this. Merry especially she helped me a lot today and witnessed more of Daddy's loopiness than the other girls and I noticed her this afternoon sitting in His room quiet and she was holding her American Girl Doll and just crying. I don't know what is worse seeing the love of my life suffer like today or watch these precious babies watch their Daddy go thru all this. I hate that they are versed in the names of Chemo and all the terminology that goes with Cancer. I always took great pride in sheltering them from the world and allowing him to just be kids then Cancer invaded and they have had to grow up alot in a short amount of time. They have been amazingly strong I remember when my dad was ill and passed away my adult sisters and I had some real issues how in the heck do these young ones deal with this. Sometimes they don't and drive me even more crazy than I all ready am but I couldn't make it with out my girls and my Mom and all my friends I am so very blessed. A catch phrase in "the church" is too blessed to be stressed well I am so very blessed but still stressed but thankfully serve an amazing God that understands and loves me anyway :)
Tonight Merry tripped and fell on her bed and broke her bed frame we took the frame to the trash and put her bed on the floor and she just collapsed on the bed and said I wish it was October. Naturally I thought that being her birth month I figured it was a longing sigh for what she wants for her birthday( Kananni the AG Doll) but she said "no well finally holding Kannani will be magic but by then Daddy will be done with chemo and his cancer will be gone and he will be old daddy again" (insert knife deep into my heart) Sigh these poor girls how do you handle this at 10, 12 and 14 I dunno :(
I guess we will do all we can do and put one foot in front of the other count our blessings and trust God with the rest. Thank you for your continued prayers....

What an Amazing Day

Well Saturday came and was even more amazing then I had ever thought or imagined. At one point we had FIFTY people here FIFTY. It was a tornado of love. People we knew people we didn't know church friends,work friends neighbors of friends who heard about the work day and came out as a family to help the day was just amazing. We had a literal ton of stuff that went to the dump and another ton of stuff that went to a thrift store that supports an amazing orphanage in Africa. We even were able to bless a few people with odds and ends that they found. To look around the house now you just have to smile the things I thought they were going to do the kitchen floor and the carpet and then the surprises the new acoustic tiles in the living room and the shower repair in my bathroom. All the things that have just been such a burden the last couple of years DONE in one day. I pulled into the driveway today and saw my clean garage and thought, this is the house that Love built. On top of all the enormous blessings we had two of the three months of mortgage paid one by a friend and some of Gary's coworkers. WOW was the word of the day and the end of the day caped off by fireworks outside my window. I just started weeping with joy, this day will live in my memory and my heart forever. Thank you all who made Saturday happen you will never know what you did for our family it just wasn't paint and tile it was a refreshing for our heart and soul thank you from the bottom of my heart we will never forget the love we felt that day..

Overwhelmed but in a good way

We are just a little over 30 hours away from the Schriver Makeover Day. Everyone in the house is so excited about the changes in the house fresh paint, fresh floors, things sorted and cleaned and over all simplified. The count now is 23 people who RSVPed on Facebook and there are others who are not on Facebook that will be there. It is so very overwhelming to think that all those people are giving up their Saturday on 4th of July weekend to come out and help us. It blows my mind to even think about it. It is really funny Gary and I both spent a life time thinking we were not likable and people just sorta put up with us (I know it is silly just being real here) and to see how people pour out their love to us during this time I feel like Sally Field when she accepted the Academy Award "They like me they really like me". In the last few months this whole family has just had the stuffing loved out of them and this workday is the highpoint of all the love.
Most people don't realize that Gary has been feeling the effects of the cancer for well over three years now, he knew it was cancer in 2009 but that just put a name on what he had been feeling for a while. During that time he was just not able to do the things that he used to do and the girls and I would try to fill in some of the blanks but things have gotten in such disarray and it just eats at Gary and this workday is going to help give him peace that all those honey do lists will finally get done.
Thank you just doesn't convey my gratitude to all the people who are making Saturday possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart all of you who will give your time and energy and finances to help my family. You will be refreshing our home and more importantly our souls.

Oh and another way God is so good our mortgage got paid this month by an amazing angel who had been going through a storm of their own but still is there for us. I am friends with some pretty cool people and I am grateful to God for each one of you in my life and for the new friends I will make on work day. Oh and we are down to 29 hours now :} so excited EEEEe