just some wild faithless ranting plz ignore

I woke up this morning and found that the mortgage did not go through because something else went through and was about 5 dollars off. I just want to scream some days, I am praying after an email to the mortger they will resubmit and all will be ok but it is just so FRUSTRATING. I am frustrated at the seemingly ENDLESS financial struggles, I should just be rejoicing and dancing with all the miracles that God has performed in our finances but I am so TIRED of having to pray and ask for those miracles. I just want things back to normal with a normal paycheck. Right now we are relying on God for EVERYTHING from gas to food to mortgage everything. I cant even go pick up my shampoo from the store yet cause his check hasn't come yet. It is so wonderful and amazing to see how people have walked with us and stood with us with meals and that work day wow that was cool. I want to be the one that stands with someone now. I am tired of waking up and praying that Gary hadn't passed away in his sleep. I am tired of worrying every time I leave the house that when I get back I will have missed saying goodbye to him. I hate the seemingly endless visits from nurses and social workers and bath ladies. I am SICK of having Hospice on speed dial. I am sick of answering questions like "is daddy gonna die" and "will you send us to the orphanage if Daddy dies". I am sick of trying to figure out what I will do as a job to support my family if something happends to Gary.I am sick of behavior issues from kids who haven't got the emotional maturity to deal with life (who does). I am sick of making plans with a disclaimer explaining that if Gary gets sick I am not gonna be there. I am so sick of writing birthday cards for Gary for the girls to have if he is not here to celebrate with them. I am sick of busting out in to random fits of tears. I am sick of tension headaches. I am sick of my life I want things to go back to normal I want to spend too much money and have Gary yell at me. I want Gary to come in the bedroom door with pop tarts with a heart made from food coloring on it. I want to sit next to Gary in church. I want Merry to mouth off to me not knowing Gary is around the corner and to see the "oh crap" look on her face because Daddy does not allow Mommy to be disrespected. I want to get super anxious about something and have Gary come in hold me and instantly calming me down then pray for me. I am just so DONE with this nightmare we have been living. I had a dear friend prayed over me a week before Gary was diagnosed and said God told her that "I was enough". For the last two years I held onto those words but now I am beginning to really doubt that. I am not even close to enough I am half of a whole trying to do the work of a whole plus some and I am faltering. Please pray for this family Gary keeps telling me he is ready to go home to be with Jesus, My girls are so anxious they don't know which way is up and our finances are in the toilet by the grace of God all but one month mortgage is paid till SS kicks in but I continually struggle to pay for the necessities of life I have to stop and think about everything, credit cards are maxed, overdraft loans are maxed savings is down to about a hundred dollars so all my reliance is now fully on God and that is an uneasy place to be I know it shouldn't be after all the awesome things God has done but it is :( We had our futre planned out Gary made a descent wage I was a Full time Mom and now everything is in Flux and days like today all that flux gets a lot overwhelming please continue to pray..