A Month and it is starting to really sink in hard ..

Well we are just a few hours away from the month anniversary of Daddy's home going. For most of the month it has been pretty numb you just walk through life but now things are starting to really sink in and it stinks so bad. I am managing okay most days. I am dealing with an overwhelming lonely not a friend lonely I am so blessed with some amazing friends but that special person who you can look into their eyes and see into their souls, I am missing big warm hugs and sweet gentle kisses I miss someone waking me up with a poptart with naughty stuff written on it with food markers. Gary and I had such a unique relationship we were truly one, our hearts were stitched together with a decade and a half of loving and life and I miss that so much. I wouldn't want him back for anything in the world because I was the only one who truly saw how much he suffered and now he is at peace and resting in Gods arms so I wouldn't take him back but I sure miss him. I feel he is with me in a way as I proceed to finishing my AA degree in October. I hear his voice as I make decisions and just take time to think. I think he is still my cheering session he is just cheering from club seats now. I look forward to making him proud of me as I get my degree and follow in the things that we had decided God had for me for a while and I have been too chicken to go after. Now I have a little life padding with his life insurance and so I am going to take this opportunity to step out and achieve all God will allow me to achieve. The girls now that is a different story they are having such trouble every time they see a daddy and daughter they cry. Their whole life is in upheaval they are used to Daddy working and mommy taking care of them. Now they see we haven't had a paycheck since July and they aren't sure how regular bills are going to be paid they feel a little better with insurance in the bank but they still worry mommy doesn't get a paycheck and how are we going to pay bills on a regular basis. They have spent the last month worried about EVERYTHING every little detail of life that most kids wouldn't even think twice about. I am not sure if they don't trust me or what. My little one continues not to sleep and lash out with such horrible venom at me and anyone else who gets in her way. My middle child has decided I guess that I am not the kind of mom she would be and she continuously tries to step in and mother her sisters and I have to remind her I AM THE MOM not you. My sweet eldest bless her heart is just wandering around in lala land she has moments of just busting out in tears and is just not sure how to handle anything anymore. Next week I am going to get my first reality test my mom leaves to visit my sister tomorrow and I have to get us all ready to vacation then I will take my first trip as a single mom with three teenage girls. Our entire life is in flux right now and we are going through that flux with an extreme grief and I covet your prayers for this family as we figure out how to be a family of four and not five and how we manage without the man who really glued this family together.
I have to give praise where praise is due I said earlier we hadn't received any pay since July 17th well through Gods graces we have had all our bills paid including our mortgage and have managed to get the kids ready for school and have a freezer and pantry with food in it and have money to get gas and essentials and that is all thanks to an amazing God and amazing people who have blessed us the last 6 weeks when I say we couldn't have made it with out you I REALLY mean it. Thank you all so much :) <3

The Journey is done.....

Today we went to the cementary with all of Gary's family and laid our sweet man to rest. He was cremated last week and we decided to wait till the weekend to do the service so his brothers could be there too. It was very short very sweet but very difficult. It has all seemed almost surreal until we actually saw his ashes and saw them placed into the niche then reality hit pretty hard. He is gone and now we have to figure out how to live again.
My ten year old had a cow this past week when I changed my marital status on facebook to widowed she got in my face and said "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED" I had to tell her in my heart I will be married for ever but for my healing and sanity (or lack there of) I needed to change that as a small step toward the future. It seems so weird to be standing at this point in my life facing a future that is really uncertain. I have spent the last 16 years creating the future that I thought was going to be my forever spending my days focusing on my girls education and being a wife and mom but now I am not sure what normal is going to look like. My little one asked me today "who is the breadwinner in the family now" I told her right now God has been the bread winner we haven't had any pay since July 16th but somehow we have met bills and was able to get all the stuff the kids have needed for school and we have not missed a meal, so Yeah God.
Please continue to pray for the girls and I as we spend this next year reinventing ourselves and discover what this new normal is going to be for us. We all miss Gary every second of every day but we know that HE would want us to not stay in mourning and live and fulfill the things that God has in store for us. He always told me God has big things for you Baby don't miss them. I am such a better person for knowing and loving that sweet wonderful man he has left such an amazing legacy and thanks to that I know he will never be far.

A wonderful dream

Last night I had the most realistic dreams I have ever had I was sitting next to Gary laughing and snuggling we talked and he made me belly laugh like he always was able to do. When I woke up I was going to go and kiss Gary on the forehead and let him know he was in my dreams all night long. It took about two minutes to realize that he is not here anymore and my heart hurt like it did the night he died. I wanted to sit and cry for a few minutes but unfortunately I had slept through my first alarm and was waking up to my "oh crap" alarm. My middle daughter had orientation for 7th grade this morning and that made me sad too because if Gary was here he would have taken off work to be there for us. He would have sat in between us and held both of our hands he would have nudged me in the ribs when things were going long and I was about to doze off. My middle daughter busted out into sobs several times going and coming back she just kept saying "I miss Daddy I know he would be so proud of me". She is so excited about the new challenges of the new school year but is fears doing it all with out our Daddy :( It has only been two weeks sometimes it seems like it has been a year since he was gone and other times it seems like it all just happened. As we begin this new season of hundreds of "firsts" without daddy every time we have one of those firsts it is like ripping a band aide off a scar on a hairy arm and them pouring some salt in it. Thank you for your prayers all of Gary's family appreciates them.

A huge debt of gratitude

Today marked the finale week I get my regular Friday visitor from Gary's work and it made me think back at all that they have done for us and how very grateful I am that Gary worked for such an amazing company. I would not have blamed them if they would have fired him back in November because that is when it was getting super difficult health wise but they didn't instead they sent us Thanksgiving dinner they would surprise us sporadically with meals from some amazing place usually after a particular horrible week or hospital stay. They were VERY patient with him he got his 40 hours in but it may have been between 2 and 6 am it didn't matter. Starting in about March we started getting a visitor every Friday from work sometimes it was just him and other times he would bring coworkers but every time it blessed Gary and my heart. Gary got to have that physical contact with people from work and it was so great for me to see how much his work cared. They have been an email away with any questions or concerns I have had which there have been a few freak out moments for me. The day of the funeral there must have been 20 people from his work there and they told me that they were going to be bringing dinner to us the rest of the following week and some groceries on Friday. The dinners came daily the next week and were all yummy and such a blessing something we didn't have to worry with we could just enjoy. Today was the finale meal and groceries and WOW I was blown away everything from TP to shampoo to snacks to put in lunches and a stack of paper plates a foot high. Oh and dinner tonight HONEY BAKED HAM (one of my favs) and to top it off was a card with money and gas and grocery gift cards in it. I am so overwhelmed by all that they have done this week. So let me say thank you to the people of LPS your love and patients through Gary's battle gave us peace and your outpouring of blessings on us since his passing has been so amazing. I know after all the life insurance and such is done I will have little to no dealing with you all so please accept my sincerest thank yous for all that you have done for us over the past year we will be eternally grateful.

9 days

I cant believe but it has been nine days since I told the love of my life good bye for now. I have to say it really hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. I have handled the bills and done most things with out him for the last year because he has been bedridden that long. So daily life isn't that much different than it was before but we just don't have our sweet man to come home to anymore. I have thought alot about grief the last couple of days and thought, what a week two tops to grieve then I need to move on right?? WRONG most places I have read said allow yourself a minimum of two years to truly go through the grieving process. Two years that scares me because I don't want to feel this lonely and heartbroken and sad for two years before it gets any better, There is also a real shortage on materials to help you walk through your grief and I think I figured out why, and I know you want me to tell you :) I am beginning to see that people have grief languages just like a person has a particular love language. Personally I want to wrap my grief up in a nice neat package and place it on the shelf in my mind and move on and busy myself to the point where I never have time to revisit that grief box. My youngest child is dealing with her grief physically she isn't sleeping she is getting angry and hits things she is VERY verbal about missing Daddy and has repeatedly told me that she is clinically depressed and would really like to kill herself or fall of the face of the earth just so she could be with daddy again. My middle child is very matter of fact about things Daddy is in Heaven now he is all better from Cancer in no more pain he is good so we should be too. She has told me I wont grieve because Daddy is where he always wanted to be. My sweet eldest is hurting so bad she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is down but doesn't share she just deals with her grief in her own heart. And that is just the four of us every person tends to deal differently I am praying about a devotion or something that we might be able to do together that will help us all deal.
We have been super blessed by Gary's coworkers this week they brought meals everyday and even a card with some money in it and boy has that been such a blessing to not think about cooking between church and work I think in the last month I sat and cooked maybe twice which has been such an amazing blessing.
We had our air go out this week which was a bummer considering it was well over a 100 out side.When it broke I told my mom wouldn't it be great is there was a check in the mail and we went a stayed in a hotel and then I logged on Facebook and someone offered up a beachfront room at the Ponte Vedra inn and Lodge. Wow was that just what my heart needed a day of sitting looking at the beach and hearing the waves crash, I could have spent a month there without moving. Between the meals and the hotel stay we have also been blessed with gift cards to stores and restaurants so when we were at the beach we ate off gift cards (there was no money in our acct) and the next day we were able to even get some school supplies. So the last 9 days have been a time of incredible loneliness because my best friend and confidant is gone but an overwhelming since or family from Gary's amazing coworkers and our beyond words church family. Please pray for us we are all grieving in four different ways and we are all hurting so bad it is hard to even think we will go on but I know we will with Gods help. Please also pray for favor with life insurance the paperwork has not come in yet and it will take another 5 days once they receive the paperwork back so vacation is on hold paying my bills is on hold everything is on hold till it comes through. If it wasn't for a blessing from church our bank acct would still be in the red so the need for that life insurance is yesterday.
Thank you for continuing to walk with us through this new journey .

The Funeral

Well today was the funeral. It was so hard even saying the words GARY'S FUNERAL it all still seems surreal. It was a beautiful service amazing music, a wonderful slide show of his life, a tearful tribute from Gary's Dad that brought me to massive tears and most of all God was glorified and that was what Gary would have wanted most of all. There is a strange peace falling over the girls and I the anxiety and worry we had over taking care of Daddy is now gone. I think we all lived on pins and needles for so long listening for any noise of Gary in discomfort. I would never change a minute of the last few months I feel that I fell even more in love with Gary the last few months but that nervous energy has all ready begun to fade and now the quiet stillness of a broken heart is all that remains. I am so glad that at the end of this VERY long journey I can honestly say I do not have any regrets I think we tried everything humanly possible to see his healing. He always said we will do the natural and let God do the supernatural.Gary is now whole and healthy and leading a choir of angels in worship to the God he loved so very much. He used to tell me "it says that there will be no tears in heaven but if I am up there with out you I cant imagine NOT having tears" tonight I pray that that sweet wonderful man is resting peacefully in the arms of God and hearing the words that was the motivation to all he ever did "well done good and faithful servant".

Next week will begin all the finale preparations to close out an amazing life please pray that we have favor with all the places we have to call and notify of his passing and please pray that all the insurance comes through quickly we are living on very little till all that comes through. I guess I will also begin my journey as a single mom I am not a huge fan of that being married to Gary was the best he was amazing. He could calm me down with a touch and he would look at me with those big brown eyes and in case my hand in his big hands and all the sudden I believed I could do anything. He told me before he died "you will be fine when I am gone I have no doubt" now I wish he could come down and tell me that one more time to look in those eyes and feel that love. Sigh thank you for your continued prayers as this new phase of the Marathon begins.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/timesunion/obituary.aspx?n=gary-schriver&pid=152870155

This is my sweetmans death notice...

Sad News

Tonight was the night that I feared more than anything in my life. I said goodbye to the most wonderful amazing man tonight. Gary Robert Schriver passed into the waiting loving arms of Jesus surrounded by his family and at home.He went so fast this afternoon he did great at his check up his bp and heart rate was good he was bathed and even shaved and they had placed a catheter in him so we wouldn't have to move him to change the diaper. This evening right before dinner his brother came over and I am glad he did because if he hadn't I would have let Gary alone to just rest. I came into the room and noticed him breathing so hard and his tongue was pushed in the back of his throat he was struggling and trying to sit up. I tried to comfort him but he wouldn't be comforted so I called the hospice number and they sent the kindest nurse out that listened to his chest and told us that he only has a few minutes left and I sat by Gary's side rubbed his arm and caressed his face he calmed down and slowly just stopped breathing and slipped into heaven. I go tomorrow to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements and I will post details tomorrow. Please be in prayer for us as we learn to live and go on without the wonderful man that was such a huge part of our hearts.. Thank you foe walking with us on this journey and the new journey that lies ahead.

:( just :(

Wow life just continues to get more and more difficult. My poor sweet man is pretty much out of it 99% of the time I have to change his diaper and feed him juice by syringe because he cant suck from a straw anymore. I don't think my sweet man will be with me too much longer and to tell you the truth the way he is I hope he is in the arms of Jesus soon. It breaks my heart to see him this way I know he is so not happy it just kills me. If that was not hard enough to deal with slowly loosing my sweet man piece by piece my kids are going nuts. I have a ten year old that looses her temper at the smallest thing and throws these knock out drag down tantrums what seems like a 100 times a day. My 12 year old seems to continuously lash out with this venom of an attitude that just drives me bonkers with phrases like "well that's not fair" and "why". My poor eldest just wanders around not really knowing what to do or think she is just so over whelmed. My poor mom works her hiney off to try to keep the house in order and is the unfortunate butt of a lot of the kids frustrations. I have not had a full nights sleep in probably a month or more and little to no sleep the last two weeks. Every ounce of my body and my spirit is so exhausted I am not sure how I will ever survive this.
On the way to work this evening I had to drive through a thunder storm with HUGE nasty clouds and a bunch of lightning and on the way home I had my ten year old with me (because I don't trust anyone else to handle her tantrums) and coming over the bridge we saw the most amazing sunset and I told her if we can just hang on this is how God works he makes the most beautiful sunsets from the stormiest days but oh man it is getting so hard to weather the storm.

Please be in prayer for my sweet man that is suffering will be done soon either healed and loving on us (that is our choice) or whole and healthy in the arms of Jesus. Second for Gods refreshing peace to be on the girls and Gary's family and on me.