A Month and it is starting to really sink in hard ..

Well we are just a few hours away from the month anniversary of Daddy's home going. For most of the month it has been pretty numb you just walk through life but now things are starting to really sink in and it stinks so bad. I am managing okay most days. I am dealing with an overwhelming lonely not a friend lonely I am so blessed with some amazing friends but that special person who you can look into their eyes and see into their souls, I am missing big warm hugs and sweet gentle kisses I miss someone waking me up with a poptart with naughty stuff written on it with food markers. Gary and I had such a unique relationship we were truly one, our hearts were stitched together with a decade and a half of loving and life and I miss that so much. I wouldn't want him back for anything in the world because I was the only one who truly saw how much he suffered and now he is at peace and resting in Gods arms so I wouldn't take him back but I sure miss him. I feel he is with me in a way as I proceed to finishing my AA degree in October. I hear his voice as I make decisions and just take time to think. I think he is still my cheering session he is just cheering from club seats now. I look forward to making him proud of me as I get my degree and follow in the things that we had decided God had for me for a while and I have been too chicken to go after. Now I have a little life padding with his life insurance and so I am going to take this opportunity to step out and achieve all God will allow me to achieve. The girls now that is a different story they are having such trouble every time they see a daddy and daughter they cry. Their whole life is in upheaval they are used to Daddy working and mommy taking care of them. Now they see we haven't had a paycheck since July and they aren't sure how regular bills are going to be paid they feel a little better with insurance in the bank but they still worry mommy doesn't get a paycheck and how are we going to pay bills on a regular basis. They have spent the last month worried about EVERYTHING every little detail of life that most kids wouldn't even think twice about. I am not sure if they don't trust me or what. My little one continues not to sleep and lash out with such horrible venom at me and anyone else who gets in her way. My middle child has decided I guess that I am not the kind of mom she would be and she continuously tries to step in and mother her sisters and I have to remind her I AM THE MOM not you. My sweet eldest bless her heart is just wandering around in lala land she has moments of just busting out in tears and is just not sure how to handle anything anymore. Next week I am going to get my first reality test my mom leaves to visit my sister tomorrow and I have to get us all ready to vacation then I will take my first trip as a single mom with three teenage girls. Our entire life is in flux right now and we are going through that flux with an extreme grief and I covet your prayers for this family as we figure out how to be a family of four and not five and how we manage without the man who really glued this family together.
I have to give praise where praise is due I said earlier we hadn't received any pay since July 17th well through Gods graces we have had all our bills paid including our mortgage and have managed to get the kids ready for school and have a freezer and pantry with food in it and have money to get gas and essentials and that is all thanks to an amazing God and amazing people who have blessed us the last 6 weeks when I say we couldn't have made it with out you I REALLY mean it. Thank you all so much :) <3