9 days

I cant believe but it has been nine days since I told the love of my life good bye for now. I have to say it really hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone. I have handled the bills and done most things with out him for the last year because he has been bedridden that long. So daily life isn't that much different than it was before but we just don't have our sweet man to come home to anymore. I have thought alot about grief the last couple of days and thought, what a week two tops to grieve then I need to move on right?? WRONG most places I have read said allow yourself a minimum of two years to truly go through the grieving process. Two years that scares me because I don't want to feel this lonely and heartbroken and sad for two years before it gets any better, There is also a real shortage on materials to help you walk through your grief and I think I figured out why, and I know you want me to tell you :) I am beginning to see that people have grief languages just like a person has a particular love language. Personally I want to wrap my grief up in a nice neat package and place it on the shelf in my mind and move on and busy myself to the point where I never have time to revisit that grief box. My youngest child is dealing with her grief physically she isn't sleeping she is getting angry and hits things she is VERY verbal about missing Daddy and has repeatedly told me that she is clinically depressed and would really like to kill herself or fall of the face of the earth just so she could be with daddy again. My middle child is very matter of fact about things Daddy is in Heaven now he is all better from Cancer in no more pain he is good so we should be too. She has told me I wont grieve because Daddy is where he always wanted to be. My sweet eldest is hurting so bad she wears her emotions on her sleeve and is down but doesn't share she just deals with her grief in her own heart. And that is just the four of us every person tends to deal differently I am praying about a devotion or something that we might be able to do together that will help us all deal.
We have been super blessed by Gary's coworkers this week they brought meals everyday and even a card with some money in it and boy has that been such a blessing to not think about cooking between church and work I think in the last month I sat and cooked maybe twice which has been such an amazing blessing.
We had our air go out this week which was a bummer considering it was well over a 100 out side.When it broke I told my mom wouldn't it be great is there was a check in the mail and we went a stayed in a hotel and then I logged on Facebook and someone offered up a beachfront room at the Ponte Vedra inn and Lodge. Wow was that just what my heart needed a day of sitting looking at the beach and hearing the waves crash, I could have spent a month there without moving. Between the meals and the hotel stay we have also been blessed with gift cards to stores and restaurants so when we were at the beach we ate off gift cards (there was no money in our acct) and the next day we were able to even get some school supplies. So the last 9 days have been a time of incredible loneliness because my best friend and confidant is gone but an overwhelming since or family from Gary's amazing coworkers and our beyond words church family. Please pray for us we are all grieving in four different ways and we are all hurting so bad it is hard to even think we will go on but I know we will with Gods help. Please also pray for favor with life insurance the paperwork has not come in yet and it will take another 5 days once they receive the paperwork back so vacation is on hold paying my bills is on hold everything is on hold till it comes through. If it wasn't for a blessing from church our bank acct would still be in the red so the need for that life insurance is yesterday.
Thank you for continuing to walk with us through this new journey .