Gary update 3/30 - 1 week out

Well, I'm 8 days past my last day of radiation. I'm doing better, but definitely not back to 100%. I feel about 80% right now, and I'm trying to pace myself. Pushing it takes me back down. I'm still wrestling a bit with stomach cramps and my appetite isn't what it normally is, which may not be a totally bad thing :) .

Trusting God

The last six weeks have left me pretty much emotionally bankrupt. It has been really hard watching my vibrant husband turn into a pail sleepy version of himself. You are going to think I am nuts but thru all this time my biggest worry and fret was that the kids will not have Easter dresses and baskets. I know that is not a huge priority but to the girls and I it is a priority I am not able to get them many clothes and haven't been shoe shopping in a long time, that is the same way when I was growing up but at Easter we got new clothes and shoes and in our Easter basket I always got my hair accessories and some resses eggs (favorite even today but they only made eggs when I was a kid now they do harts and trees and every holiday there is something:)and I was petrified the year we need a since of normal more than EVER we were not going to have that. Well I prayed and asked God to help and them went and bought the dresses and Easter baskets even when we really did not have the money. Coming home from the store yesterday God yelled at me and told me "you didn't wait for MY provision on this this dress issue!!!!" well I got a little snotty with God (thank you Lord for grace ;) "It was stressing me out and I just cant handle that right now and why were chatting you said you would help me God we need your provision on so many things and so far NOTHING". In tears I pulled into the drive way and went inside and checked my email and on there was a facebook from a lady who told me they had prayed for out family and they felt like God wants them to bring us dinner and would that help and be a blessing to us. I yelled at my computer YES IT WOULD BE.. So in one moment God reminded me even tho His ways are not mine HE still has things under control..And He cares about what I care about. He just felt the need this morning to drive that point home with me today when I dropped my girls off and was listening to the radio the announcer started quoting from Isaiah 43 and said several verses that went straight to my heart but the one that I remember most says something like when you are in the sea of storms I am with you and the water will not overtake you!!! He didn't say it wont get to your eyelids and your now breathing thu a straw but it will not over take me!!!!
Thank you Lord for your word, your servants who listen and most of all thank you for holding our little family in the palm of your hand so even if we are tossed about you will not allow the waves to destroy us..

Gary update 3/22 - Radiation Graduation!

I found out my radiation actually ended TODAY not tomorrow like they originally said! Praise God! So I'm done with radiation, at least for now. I met with the doctor this morning and he said I could expect the radiation side effects to linger for two weeks! Yikes! Of course, he said that it won't be like two weeks from today, I'll suddenly feel better. He says it will be gradual. Having gone through weekends with no treatments, I know that the side effects won't go away in earnest for at least two to three days. So I'm excited yet sick as a dog at the same time. I've been in bed most of the day today. This has been typical during my treatments, some good days, and some bad days. Unfortunately there have been more bad than good, so I apologize for such a long time between updates, but it's been a whirlwind of fatigue and sickness, and trying to find time for work and family in between. Needless to say it has been a difficult five weeks!

My heart just breaks

This was a song that we had sung at our wedding. It isn't your typical wedding song but I felt really strong about this song. Marriage is not an easy thing and this conveyed the message I wanted my groom to hear. Boy I never knew how much this song has been the anthem of our marriage. We went thru the loss of a baby, several operations and illnesses of mine and three kiddos each with difficulties of their own and now Gary's Cancer. By any ones standards the last 15 years has been chock filled with soldering on both our parts.

When you are a soldier I will be your shield
I will go with you into the battlefield
And when the arrows start to fly
Take my hand and hold on tight
I will be your shield, 'cause I know how it feels
When you are a soldier

When you're tired from running
I will cheer you on
Look beside you and you'll see you're not alone
And when your strength is all but gone
I'll carry you until you're strong
And I will be your shield 'cause I know how it feels
When you're a soldier

BRIDGE
I will be the one you can cry your songs to
My eyes will share your tears
And I'll be your friend if you win
Or if you're defeated
Whenever you need me I will be here

When you're lost in darkness I will hold the light
I will help you find your way through the night
I'll remind you of the truth
And keep the flame alive in you
And I will be your shield
'Cause I know how it feels





Tonight Gary felt really bad, worse than before and he looked at me with tears in his eyes not knowing if he can fight this anymore. If the radiation stopped on Tuesday I think fight would be there but the doctors make it very clear that there will most likely need to be more radiation treatments. So you feel like that light at the end of the tunnel truly is an on coming train.

How do I hold his arms up in this fight all the time helping the girls deal with this each of who are struggling with this in different ways and home school and keep the house and grocery shop and make dinner how do I do this how can I be there for everyone and not loose my mind I can tell you our hair is growing greyer by the minute. I cant tell you how much I love that man in the other room. If you will, will you take a moment to pray for this family. Each person is having such a tough time dealing with this whole cancer thing and my poor sweet husband is in such pain it hurts my heart to see him suffer so much.

Lord please be with this family we need your strength and help to get thru this toughest trial we have ever faced.

Are we home yet?

Have you ever been on a trip, let's say in this case, a bad trip, and you're heading home. You want so bad to be home and it's hundreds of miles away. Those hundreds of miles can sometimes seem to melt away with home getting closer, but sometimes those last 10 miles or so can seem like FOREVER! That's the way I feel right now.

Medical bill follow up

Talked to doctors office today. There is something they do that isn't always covered but they told me when it's not they write it off and never bill the patient! Shew! That is like 3 grand wow thank you Lord for awsome oncologists.

The Other side of Cancer-medical bills

I am going with Gary tomorrow to his radiation apt not just to be with him when he sees the doc but to also ask the office about these statements from the inscurance company stating that for EVERY radiation apt he has had ,and that will be 25, we owe between 2500 and 3000 dollars per visit. Please oh please tell me that is not right. We have all ready shelled out thousands of dollars(don't get me wrong if it would heal him I would sell everything I owned) between doctor visits, procedures and medications. It is all needed stuff so I would never not do any of it but there should be something that says when you are in a battle for your very life doctors cant harass you. You know kinda like if they don't carry thru on their side of the deal (making him well) we don't have to pay them :) that sounds good to me. It is just another stressor in an all ready stress filled time.


Lord help us totally and completely put our trust in you for everything and I mean everything

It has been a loooooong weekend. Gary slept the majority of it :(. Monday week we will have the final radiation session for know. They made it very clear that the battle has just begun. Now we are dealing with Annie's thyroid. She went to her check up today and they were not happy with what they saw and they said they want her back in two months and then they will discuss other options if her thyroid has not shrunk dramatically. I am praying that in two months her thyroid will be totally normal. I tell you I am worn out this has truly been a marathon. We start family support group in a month and that will be invaluable for the kids. They try to be strong but every once in a while one will break down and ask us "if daddy is going to die and if he does what will happen to us". Handling those moments just about kills me. All I can say is that somehow we will make it and be all right. There has to be a breakthrough some time here. My strength is wavering:(

please God help us to run and not grow faint and help us to mount up on wings like eagles.

Radiation Rollercoaster

Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were amazing I had my old Gary back. He helped me around the house he was awake had fun with me and the kids and even went to church with me. Thursday the feeling good came crashing down. Thursday he slept most of the day and Friday he hurt and ached so bad he wanted to sleep but couldn't get comfortable. It was so nice to have him back to his his old self this week he hadn't felt that good for months I almost forgot about Bob Fitzgerald (see former post). He has 7 more days of radiation then I pray we will have more days when that spark of life is in his eye, not seeing it there breaks my heart.
Lord help guard my heart and my mind from worry and help me to be the wife that Gary needs.

Been an okay week!!!!!!

I am so thrilled to say after the crappy weekend in Savannah that the rest of the week has been OK. Gary has looked pretty good this week the nurse who gives him the radiation even commented on the sparkle in is eyes that hasn't been there for a while. He was in bad shape last night because he ate some fried food that didn't sit well with him. This radiation has messed him up on eating sort of a forced bulimia is how he puts it. I just finished the application for our family to be given a Orlando Disney vacation. This organization is sort of like a grown up make a wish which is sort of depressing but Merry has been praying for us to get a real vacation to just be together and if this could help answer her prayers so be it :). Eight more days of radiation at least this round they told us there may need to be more rounds. Three weeks till Gary and I go back to Tampa for two days and hopefully 6 weeks till Disney (the dates we requested for the vacation daddy's birthday). I am thankful for a couple of guys from church who came out this week to mow and clean up our yard we have a really pretty yard again I am so thrilled :) Poor Gary hasn't felt up to doing the yard in a long time because of his hip originally and now because of treatments and several months of not being able to work in our yard and 17 pine trees well you can imagine the mess.
We are so grateful for friends and family who are walking this journey with us we truly could not do this without your support. There have been more times than I care to admit that I have been about to mentally crack when someone would pop up on facebook chat at just the right time or offer a hug or just be there at just the right time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for us we love you.

Savannah Busted - cancer strikes again :(

The weekend started off tough the original plan was to take the kids with us this weekend and while I was in a confrence for work. Gary was not up to dealing with the children all weekend so we made plans for then to stay with parents and we were going to be back sunday night and all would be well. Well saterdays confrence was good and we even got some take out and had a nice evening. Unfortunatly at like 5 am the nausea and diareaha started again and after he got to the hotel from taking me to the confrence he added throwing up to his day. We ended up having to stay another night in savannah and he has been strugling all night between throwing up and being stuck on the potty. We are a little more then halfway thru radiation and I sure cannot wait for it to be over. When he was just gettting his hip radiated he was ok when they added the spine they shot the radiation thru his abdomen and he has been toast ever since. I guess I should have not pressed coming to this confrence but it was required for my job and all I really wanted was just a break!!!! I guess the break isnt going to come for Gary or I any time soon. If things were intermitent and you had time to recover things could be tolerated but for the last 6 months things have come fast and furious with NO break inbetween and I think Gary and I are reaching our breaking point I dont know how much longer we can go with out some bit of a respit in problems. It seems if Gary is feeling good something happens some where else. so I simply say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lord help me retain my sanity in this dessert season and Lord help us have some break in the dessert some time soon PLEASE!!!

Radiation Sucks!!!!!!

Okay tomorrow will be day 13 for radiation. I feel so bad for Gary he just cannot shake the sickies. He has been falling asleep earlier and earlier and just now I heard the side door fly open as he ran out to get sick. Seven more days of this heck for him and it may only be the beginning of the radiation. I feel so helpless to help him . So I am doing the only thing I can asking you all to pray that the side effects of this radiation will be minimized and the effects on the cancer will be maximized.

Halfway Point

Today marks the halfway point with Gary's radiation. It has been a very long journey up to this point. Sickness started about a week into the radiation and now on top of the radiation sickness we all have picked up a stomach bug. Last night I had a fever that peeked at 103.5 and woke up this morning to our eldest throwing up all over her room. Fun Fun !!
I have really enjoyed having Gary home this past 2 weeks we have had a lot of very special moments. We have 10 days left of this radiation then in three weeks we will be going to Tampa for another doctors apt to discuss further options and to see how the radiation did.
Everyday is a challenge to keep fighting for Gary. It is so hard to see him struggle with this horrible disease. Everyone thinks Cancer is a disease of the body but it is even more a disease of the mind. You have to wake up every morning choosing to fight and not let this disease win. It is so hard when you feel so bad. I have been very proud of him even when he feels bad he will see little things that we desperatly need him for and his resolves grows. He tried to explain the computer program he wrote to do our finances the other day and I looked at him and told him "Hellloooo you cant die cause heck if I will EVER understand this stupid thing".
I am not stupid I know what the statistics are for his cancer but I also know the God who made Gary and who is so far above all earthly doctors.
When I was going thru some pretty bad medical issues a few years ago I worried that I would not make it thru all the issues I was facing and I fervantly prayed and what God told me suprised me. He told me when it was my time to die that I may not like it but I would be at peace with the idea of going to heaven,and as long as I am not at peace with it then its not my time. That is what I told Gary and what I tell anyone else facing a horrilbe disease. God is not going to take you kicking and screaming to heaven when it is your time you will have a peace that passes all understanding. There is no Biblical basis for this just experience when facing my own mortality.
In the battle we are in I remind Gary of that and I remind him of the word God gave us about Merry when she was born, That she would bring us joy in our old age and well last time I looked 40 was not old!!!! And when we started this battle God told us that Gary would dance at Merrys wedding. So we hold fast onto the words of God and NOT look toward any earthly thing and believe in faith for Gary to be healed. We rejoice with another gentleman that had Garys type of Cancer who was given a clean bill of health after they said his end was drawing near(Gary will blog about him latter its a cool story) and we claim the letters to be spoken over Gary and our friends with Cancer the letters are "N*E*D" NO EVIDANCE OF DISEASE Lord may that day come soon!!!!