Are we home yet?

Have you ever been on a trip, let's say in this case, a bad trip, and you're heading home. You want so bad to be home and it's hundreds of miles away. Those hundreds of miles can sometimes seem to melt away with home getting closer, but sometimes those last 10 miles or so can seem like FOREVER! That's the way I feel right now.

I only have a few days left of radiation, but these last few days have seemed to go on FOREVER, and I'm tired of it. I just want them to be done. I feel like I keep letting my wife and kids down. The cancer has been bad enough, but the radiation has compounded things to the point where it interferes with EVERY aspect of our lives. I got so upset today that I couldn't even make it through a movie with the kids without falling asleep. I'm sure they're disappointed, but they're trying to keep a stiff upper lip. I just hate this!

The worst is that I never know from one day to the next how each day will be. I can have a good day and nothing different happens then I'll have a bad day for no reason that I can discern. Maybe a slightly different angle on the beam can make a big difference. My days have become a bad routine:  I get up around 7:30, get a quick shower, go to the doctor, get home around 9:30, log into work, then around 11:30 or noon, I zonk out for several hours. I wake up at 4 or 5 o'clock feeling like crap and regretting that the day is almost over. I worry that I'll get fired for missing so much work and just want the radiation to be over. Be the late evening, I'm spent and fall back into a restless sleep, then the cycle repeats. It's the worst kind of rut and I'm tired of it, and this is four weeks total radiation. I know some go through more than that!

Of course like everyone, I've heard of people having radiation throughout my life, but it's so different when I'm the one going through it. I have a new empathy for what radiation patients go through, and I know that chemo patients have it even worse! My heart goes out to all who have ever had to suffer through this either directly or indirectly.

I don't know if I have the strength to go through this again. I'm realizing just how weak I really am. Thank God that He sees me through the bad days and the good days, and He is my strength. If it weren't for the Lord Jesus, I would have given up long ago and surrendered to death, but I will put my trust in Him! Lord, just help me get through these next few days with my sanity intact!