Gary's infusion went well today (I will post pics) but he had a really tough day today. He is struggling with a lower energy level and I know it is hard to get used to a new normal for a man. My heart breaks for him he tries so hard. I know very soon he is going to HAVE to begin on disability he is only holding on now because of my lack of ability to get a good paying Job, I have no real skills. I wish 2010 would start quietly but it doesn't look like it will. I need some serious Godly inspiration so I can allow him the time he needs to stop work and heal. We barely survive on his whole salary I just feel so helpless I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years so what skills I did have were long since antiquated.

Oh God Help me to be the helpmate that Gary needs right now emotionally and financially. And give me the strength to be strong for him. And Lord give him the strength to fight this cancer and win with your help....

Gary goes this morning for his first infusion of Zometa a drug that will help strengthen his bones. He found a nice Oncology practice here in town that will work with Moffitt and do the treatment they prescribe. The countdown for Tampa gets going now ,16 days till they tell us specific type and treatment options. I know if we believe the report of the Lord Moffits report should be no big deal. But it is I guess we really want them to be at least hope full for him past two more Christmases. They seem to be a place that breads hope in their patients so PLEASE GOD let them be hopeful for Gary's treatment. I know the more desperate your situation the greater Gods glory. God keeps reminding me of Gideon since I am such a huge fan of fleeces :) His army had to get down to the "no way on earth" level before God led him to victory well we have been at the "will only survive if it he gets a miracle" for the last couple of months when does the miracle come :(

Lord help me on the days I get discouraged to NEVER loose site of you and your promises !!!

The New year coming

Christmas is now over and it was AMAZING!!! We had such a wonderful time and the cancer didn't bother the festivities too much. Gary had to take a couple of naps but hey I had to take one this afternoon after Cassie busted in our room screaming MERRY CHRISTMAS, I did not know whether to hug her or smack her silly :)
On the way home from my in laws it kinda hit me that the new year is soon approaching and the new year brings both hope for treatment and a cure and fear that it will bring treatment and trials. Changes will happen in our daily life with me returning to college (not sure how I am going to juggle that too) and the possibility Gary will have to go on disability and the thought that we will have to make due on HALF his salary and at best any job I could get would never even make up a half of the half. This year was so difficult coming to grips with the word cancer becoming part of our daily vocabulary. Helping kids thru the thought that daddy might not be here for future Christmas's (we are FERVENTLY praying he will be here for 40 more!!).
This has been a serious wild ride of a year and I have to admit I am a little scared at the wild ride 2010 promises.

Lord I pray not only for the Love of my Life but also for the Love of others lives that are battling Cancer and I pray this year you will pour your PEACE over all of us and supernaturally inspire some doctor to find a CURE for ALL cancer so NO other wife will cry and no other child will have to loose the magic of childhood early again!!!!

Always Enough a song from Casting Crown ( a cd Gary bought me for Christmas)

In a dry and weary land Lord, you are the rain. In a sea of shattered ones,Your love is rushing in. You hold the world in your hands and see each tear that falls. Through every fire and every storm Your ALWAYS ENOUGH .....

2009

Tonight on the way home from picking up a huge blessing from somone we sat and talked about 2009. I said how I told people at church I am so thrilled 2009 will be in the recordbooks soon and how I hoped 2010 will be so much better. I even quoted Colonel Potter from MASH (and gave Gary a corinary cause I qouted it with the explitive) about next year being better and giving us peace. Then on the way home I crossed a bridge and there was the most beautiful sunset with rays streaming thru the clouds, those sunsets are my favorite. God told me that 2009 is like this sunset the clouds of past storms still loom on the horizon and threaten to unleash their power again but thru the clouds the SON is filtered out and spread out in greater beauty and area then if the storms where not there. That is so true 2009 has been stinky with Gary and I taking our turns at mini breakdowns worrying about come what may but thru that God has shown himself so mighty thru oportunities for us to bless others or people blessing us. We have been provided for so supernaturally this year, it is so awsome. Our kids will have a better Christmas thanks to those blessings!! So as Christmas comes and 2010 is on the horizon thank you Lord for the clouds of 2009 that made your SON shine brighter in our lives!!!!

Thank God for the Body of Christ

Gary and I went to church very down today. (We spent most of saterday sobbing in eachothers arms realling from the news that the cancer may have spread.) As soon as we walked thru the doors of the church God just wrapped us up in HIS love thru conversations with friends, worship songs that seem to have been written to fit our life EXACTLY, a powerful sermon preached right at us, to the powerful prayers of the saints to warm hugs. Today was such an amazing shot in the arm for us, people who honestly are believing with us for Garys healing and encouraging us not to loose hope. People who will never know this side of heaven how much their words mean to us (unless they read this BLOG : ) ) Thank you so much to all the people who speak into our lives when the battle seems to crush us you all come along to help us up and keep fighting Thank You times ten million...

Cancer update 12/19 - It Is Well with My Soul

As I've mentioned here, starting last Saturday, I developed an intense pain in my upper left chest. The pain ran pretty much from the left breast around my ribs close to my left shoulder blade on my back. I have had this pain there before and had a stress test and chest x-rays done and nothing was found. It was attributed to muscular pain. It was a nuisance but generally not unbearable and usually went away after a day or two.

This time, the pain was almost unbearable -- far worse than any pain I've had in my pelvis, and Lortab hardly made a dent in it, and it wasn't going away. I went to see my PCP on Tuesday and he prescribed me Percocet, which is an even more powerful pain killer than Lortab. It has seemed to do the trick at keeping the pain at bay, but the side effects have been worse than Lortab. I've been more fatigued and loopy than usual (which I didn't think was possible :) ).

My PCP said that insurance wouldn't approve another CAT scan with a CAT scan already approved for 1/14, so he sent me for a chest and rib x-ray instead. I had that done on Thursday. The results came back this morning and the doctor gave me a call. The good news is that the x-ray shows nothing on my ribs and my lungs are fine. This is where the pain is, so nothing bone-related. He thinks it is likely muscular again, probably something I pulled. The pain has been lessening, so that's good. Hopefully I can go back to just Lortab soon.

The cause for concern does not appear to be related to this pain, but may just be a coincidence that showed up, but on the x-ray, a "sclerotic" area was noted on my left upper humerus (upper arm bone) close to my shoulder. The report says that it is unclear whether this is arthritis, something benign, or another cancerous lesion like the ones on my pelvis. The only way to truly know would be to biopsy this, which I would rather not go through again unless it's absolutely necessary. Since this area didn't show up on the octreatide scan which was full body, my primary said it's really not possible to give me an accurate diagnosis of what this area is.

Judge Not! An inspiring yet convicting story

God used an event recently to teach me a lesson about judging. Before heading up to Valdosta last Thursday, I needed to pop by a gas station to top off my gas, check and fill my tires, and check my oil. I stopped at the gas station and saw that a big lawn service truck was at the air pump. They had a big trailer hitched to a pickup and the trailer was big enough to house it appeared three or four lawn tractors. They were bringing each tractor out one by one and checking and filling the tires. I decided to get gas first to give them time to finish, but when I was done pumping, they still weren’t done. These were some unsavory looking characters. I sometimes get mad at lawn service trucks because they block the roads and some of them act like they own the neighborhood. I was getting frustrated because I was in a hurry to get home and they were holding me up. In my heart I thought, “God, I really hate lawn services!”

I felt God basically tell me to stop fretting and to just pull behind them and wait for the pump to free up. I was just sitting there trying to be as patient as I could, when the most unsavory looking of the bunch walked up to my window: A big black guy with tattoos on both arms, both legs, and his neck with a bandana around his head with skulls on it. If I had seen this guy on the street, I probably would have avoided him. He walks up and taps on my window. I rolled it down and he says, “Are you waiting for the vacuum or air?” I told him the air but to go ahead and I would wait. He then says, “No we’re going to be a minute. My co-worker needs to run into the store here. I would be happy to fill your tires for you.” I was surprised. I told him he didn’t have to do that but he insisted. He went around to each and every tire and checked each thoroughly and brought them up to the right pressure. When he finished, I felt compelled to give him something but didn’t have any cash on me. I just went to shake his hand to thank him and he shook my hand and patted the back of my hand with his other hand and said, “God bless you! Merry Christmas!”

Superman vision (pun intended)

God gave me an interesting vision the other day. What's strange sometimes is that God uses scenes from movies or TV shows I've seen to drive home a point. For instance, right after I first learned I had cancer, I was crying out to God, when I pictured a scene from Disney's Aladdin. In that scene, Aladdin and Jasmine are jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid the palace guards who are trying to arrest them. They finally reach the edge of one roof and it's too far to cross. Jasmine looks worried when Aladdin holds out his hand and says, "Do you trust me?" She says "yes", they jump off the building, land on a canopy and are safe. God was telling me to trust Him because He has healed me.

I digress. That was just an example. The vision I had the other day was this. I had just met with the GI doctor who was going to do my colonoscopy and he started to talk about my cancer. He knew a lot about it, just evidently that there is a rare aggressive form. He was telling me that a few cancer cells may linger for years before they metastasize somewhere else. People often have this for years and never know it.

An answer from God I wasnt a huge fan of!!!

This has been an extra HARD week for us Gary has been dealing with yet another cold and he has a new place in his ribs and back that is causing him pain. When we went to the doctor at Moffitt he told us about the aggressive form of the cancer Gary has and with this new pain we both worry that the aggressive form is what he has ; ( I spent the last week pleading with God for it not to be the aggressive form because the aggressive survival rate is like zero. As I prayed God reminded me of Gideon that He widdled Gideon's army down to the "there is no hope" level THEN God did a miracle and helped them win the battle. I am not sure if that was Gods way of preparing me to hear aggressive when we go back or not. I do know I HAVE to trust in you Lord even if my worst possible nightmare happens and I loose the LOVE of my life you will be there and take care of him and me.. God I trust you with it all!!!!

:(

Today Gary has come down with his second cold since Thanksgiving : ( When people say this cancer thing is a roller coaster they aren't lying!!!! I have been pretty much useless lately too my knee (I had surgery on in October) has been swelling great big and hurting very badly. We missed our appointment to get our family portrait done yesterday because I was running late and Gary just didn't have the energy to get us to the location, he slept most of the evening because he felt so badly. The kids hung the outside lights up today while I supervised and we put together the tree. I told them we cant light it or put ornaments on till daddy is with us!! This thing is so hard on our whole family Cassie is trying to man up and be my help when daddy cant and the other two are just crying to have things back to normal. They all agreed their best gift would be daddy well again!! God has shown Himself so faithful to us I really cant complain so I wont I just pray God that you will give this family strength to face the road ahead because right now we are running low...

hope

It is late on a sat night so I wont go to much in depth on this weekend but to sum it up in the word HOPE. The doctors really didn't tell him anything except for the spots in his Ilium are Benign but what they did say is that there are sub categories of his cancer and certain treatments work on certain cancers. That tells me that the doctor that limited his life to 2 to 3 years didn't really know what he was talking about. As soon as we entered Moffitt we felt this immense HOPE flow from everyone to the valet attendant ( valet parking how cool : ) to the nurses and doctors. We would pick up a phamplet and there would be something about trusting in faith and even the computer screens asked "will this be the day (they cure cancer)" When we came into this weekend I prayed that GOD would replace those horrible words from the last doctor and give us simple "hope" and he did!! Hope that we are in the right place to facilitate the care that Gary needs to survive. Thank you God for HOPE!!! It is something we were running very low on!!

Cancer update - 12/12

Well the big day came and went and was not as much of a rousing round of success as I would have hoped. I must say that the Moffitt Center itself was wonderful. Their whole mission is based on hope, and everything about the environment and atmosphere there was very hopeful, friendly, and positive.

Cancer update - 12/8

Well the colonoscopy/ileoscopy (which I found out is actually called a lower enteroscopy) went off well yesterday. I slept most of the day yesterday so I'm just getting the update out today.

Yesterday Gary had his colonoscopy and they think they found the primary source of his cancer in his illium (this is a good thing). The poor guy has been poked and prodded and scanned so much the last couple of months, I pray this is it for a while.
I never realized how hard the waiting room can be. I have had a lot of medical issues in my life and never fully appreciated the pain that comes while you wait. I really appreciate my inlaws coming and keeping my mind occupied. And a dear lady from our church who not only watched my kids gave them an awsome afternoon.
This time in our life has been NUTS and very exhausting but one thing I can say is God has been with us the whole time providing spiritually with prayers from saints and signs He is with us like rainbows. To financially in many unique ways.
I was up at 4 am this morning got on facebook (what else do you do at 4am lol) and no one was on then a chat window opened and a dear friend I guess was awaken just long enough to pray for me over chat. How cool is that. Anxious how we were going to pay to stay in a hotel in Tampa God lays it on a family members heart to help. God is so COOL!!
Thank you all for your continued prayers and check friday and see if I figure out how to update my blog from my phone. The laptop is next on our wish list but until then thank God for internet capable phones ( my hubby dosent thank God for me knowing how to take a pic and post it to facebook instantly but others do ;)

Our Journey so far

Thank you all for continually praying for this family we so appreciate it. Prayer does work Gary woke up with a horrible migraine and I posted please pray on my Facebook and within 5 min he was asleep. We honestly could not have come this far in our journey without all your warm wishes, prayers and my favorite....hugs.
I pray you all have the best week you ever had :) and as always we will keep you posted next week will be a busy week treatment wise.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Cancer update - 12/2

Well after a failed appointment Monday where I waited 45 minutes at the office just to be told the results weren’t yet available (grrrrr!), the second time was the charm and I saw the doctor this afternoon.

My esophagus, stomach, and the first 2/3 of my small intestine all show up fine; however, there are lesions in either the lower third of the small intestine (called the ileum), or the first part of the colon (the cecum, ascending, and part of the transverse colon). With the capsule endoscopy, exact location is difficult to discern and there was some disagreement between several radiologists of whether this was in the small or large intestine, but it does have these areas narrowed down to the lower end instead of the upper end.

10 day count down and counting my blessings

Well it has been a very LONG week Gary continues to go up and down health wise. Thanksgiving was declared not horrible but pretty close by our children. But you know through the darkest times God still sends glimmers of blessing. It seems everyday there is a new blessing from a friend offering his talents to bless with a family portrait ( something we havent had for 9 years) to my sister picking up the doll that Merry fell to her knees and PLEADED with God to tell Santa. It is so easy to just slip into depression and just want to crawl in a hole but as some say we are trying to choose to flourish. It has been so amazing the love and prayers we have recieved from people and the blessing that come a new everyday. Thank Lord for answering our plea to hold onto us even when we are so tired that we cant hold onto you.

Another blessing is that our trip to Moffitt is only 10 days away and hopefuly that will be the begining of some treatment and moving forward for this family. We are so tired of standing still and allowing this cancer to seemingly overcome us.
Thank you dear friends for holding us up during the last few months we could not have done it without you..