"I praise the one who paid my debt who raised this life up from the dead" This is a line from one of the worship songs at church this morning. How appropriate for how I was feeling today. This week has been so very hard with taking Gary to the ER and having him in so much pain that all I could do is hold him and pray, nothing was helping him. Thank God the Virus that he has is just about worked out of his system but the soul tiredness I have is still there. I went to church today with the girls and left Gary home and for some reason I felt sad all morning. Is this what my future holds sitting in church alone looking at other couples hug and kiss and wanna cry cause the one I kiss and hug isn't there. I know that is silly he was just at home but the fear of him loosing this battle with cancer and leaving me alone just hit very hard today. That is when this song played and the phrase "raise this life up from the dead" means more than physical death. There is far worse than physical death. There is a spiritual death that happens when you are dealing with things like cancer or other serious life threatening diseases. To stand by helplessly and watch someone who you would gladly trade places with go through so much pain and you cant do anything something inside starts to die. I raised my hands this morning praising the God who paid the price and who raises THIS life up from the grave. He is there to hold and comfort Gary and he is there to hold and comfort me and I just have to let him.

Lord thank you for taking my fears, worries,anxieties and cancer and nailing them to the cross and I surrender to you to take this life and raises it up from the dead for your glory!!!

I am so tired

Gary had an Capsule endoscopy this week. A test where you swallow a pill with a camera in it and lets just say nature takes care of it in the end. He had to wear a harness all day tuesday and tuesday night once the test was over he began to run a temperature and had a rapid heart rate. It got a little better after a good night sleep but once he woke up his symptoms got dramatically worse and he had massive joint pain so we had another trip to the ER. It turns out they believe he has the flu but this now keeps us from leaving to go to atlanta for thanksgiving and dissapointed the kids once again. It seems like the last 6 months has been filled with so many tests on my precious hubby and countless dissapointments for my kids and multiple sessions with the kids helping them cope. I can honestly say the saying "God dosent put more on you than you can handle is hooey!!!"  He just promises to be there to help you hold on!!         
GOD please give us a calm in the storm help us please!!!!!!!! Help heal all the dissapointments and sadness. We are so very tired God please please give us your blessed rest.

The Kick-Butt Angel

I wish I could find a better term to describe this, but it's the best I could come up with. Tuesday morning (11/23), I was awakened with a gasp at 5:30 in the morning by what I thought was a nightmare.

My heart broke into a million peices last night. Cassie sat with her Daddy and confessed to him that she has battled depression and she even found herself questioning God. I thought I had done a better job at sheilding them from the full brunt of this stress. We were honest with them on most of the things going on. She told us that the confusion and lack of structure that all the doctors apt has really stressed her out. Oh man now I feel like a bad mother I am trying so hard!! I want her childhood to be happy I always have taken pride in the fact that people tell me that her and her sisters are really neat because they are kids and not 8 going on 18.
Oh Lord help me know how to handle these precious children that you have put in my care. Right now God I feel like I cant even handle my own emotions much less hers. Be more real to her and her sisters during this time and show yourself to them in such a mighty way that they will NEVER doubt you are there and passionatly loving them so much better than mortal mom can!!

Fighting the urge to retreat inward this holiday season

The Sunday before Thanksgiving we have not made plans on where to go. We originally were going to head to Atlanta to my sisters house and take part in all the cool Christmas festivities up there but finances are not letting us do that
: ( 
Even if we went up there I am struggling with wanting to grab my little family and my sweet man and retreat into solitude for the next couple of weeks. I know that Thanksgiving is for all your family but I only worry about loosing Gary and I dont want to share him with anyone. I get mad at myself for thinking like this because it is rooted in the fear of only having a couple of Thanksgivings left with him not believing that God will heal him and it is killing me.
My girls are showing the burden of this as well I got my middle daughters list to santa (she dosent really still believe but she thinks why spoil a good thing :) and at the end it had a sincere apology for being bad and asked santa to forgive her because it has been a really tough year. Oh man how am I going to get thru this season, I want to make sure that the kids have peaceful fun Christmas but so many medical bills are coming due and so much is breaking in our home that there isnt a whole bunch of money left, but memories are what I am after not gifts.
Dear Most Awsome God of Peace not confusion
I am an emotional skitzo and need your help Lord to have a right mind and heart as I enter the season that I love so much. Help us Lord to build new memories and new traditions this year, ones we can enjoy even when Daddy dosent have cancer. And Happy almost Birthday Jesus :)

Cancer update - 11/20

Well after a lot of discussions and fussing back and forth between my primary and Moffitt, I was given the green light to meet with a local gastroenterologist who is qualified to do both a colonoscopy and an ileoscopy (scope of the ileum -- the final third of the small intestine leading into the colon). I had a consultation with him this afternoon.

A good word in season on my husbands facebook page

Prophecy Bulletin 11- 20-09 The way is clear, the door is open. Go forth with confidence and assurance, for I am with you, says the Lord. It is time for you to possess all that has been prepared for you. Do not be afraid or doubt that you have been set aside for My purposes at this time and for this season. Yield to th...e moving of My Spirit,and I will cause you to actualize your kingdom potential. Josh 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

put on his page by a dear old friend. Thank you Lord for dear old friends and social networking sites that bring them back into our lives at just the right time :)

my prayer

Lord as the storms of life seem to be blowing so strong I fear that I will not be able to stand, help me to remember your promises. The storms of worry and strife threaten to drown out your voice. Please Lord hold onto my family and me tighter than our weak hands can hold onto you!!

Put my money where my mouth is

God got onto me today about not living in my heart as I'm speaking with my lips. With my lips, I'm proclaiming my healing and believing God for 40+ more years of life and ministry.

A Normal Day

My Kids were getting ready for camp and my middle one told me I cant wait to go to camp and get away from the stress in life and I thought HELLO your 11 what stress do you have? She replied "it will just be nice to have a weekend without worrying about Daddy having Cancer" :(. I am glad to say she had just that she came home red faced and exhausted from all the fun. I have to admit we had fun too we had a whole Saturday out where cancer came up once and that was just joking saying "if we told him you have terminal cancer maybe he would give you a discount on the bed we bought". That felt so nice we felt normal again for one day. The next day Gary woke up in pain on both hips and all those fears came flooding back. Oh Lord help me to keep those fears in check and help us to have more days like Saturday. And Lord help us figure out how to help the kids with their stress.

one day without the "c" word

Cancer not only invades a persons body but it invades their thoughts,their family,their finances. I know we have only begun this journey but I am all ready so tired. Everyday there is something new a new test a new doctor anther day to watch your husband get an IV and then be sedated, another 2 hour wait in a room praying they don't find something bad. Another bill that must be paid before the next step which means things get sacrificed, Thanksgiving with family or even Christmas gifts. God I feel like I am about to crack into a million pieces please Lord help me have a strength better than my own. Help me to be the light to my family help me be the strength for my husband please!!

Holidays

I realized last night as I was sitting in my moms meeting when listening to all the amazing advice on your marriage that I really have an amazing marriage, we are not perfect and obviously our life is not. But as I head into this Thanksgiving I am so THANKFUL to my sweet amazing husband that is always there for my kids,myself and his entire family. Gary Robert Schriver you are an amazing man and I thank God for you everyday.
Another thing as we start the Holiday season I am going to have to force myself to enjoy the season and not catch myself thinking is this the last Thanksgiving we will have together. This will be hard at times because Dec 11th we have to take Gary down to the Neuro endocrine oncologist so that apt could put a real damper or happy tone to the Holidays. And I know regardless of what they say I have to remember what God said he  is the one who hold Garys future in His hands not the docs.  
No one is guarenteed another minute we are all terminal so deep breathe holidays here I come.

Fears

Last night Gary told me he had a very tough day and strugled hard with just feeling like giving up. I held him and encouraged him but on the inside it scared me to death. He is lirerally in the fight of his life, how do I help him keep the fight. How do you do this, how do you stay strong for him, my children, extended family and friends when all you really want to do is sit in the corner and cry. So much has happened in the last couple of months that there are days when numb is about all I feel. There is a saying that people have told me that God will not put more on me than I can handle, yeah right I passed that pont about 2 weeks ago : )
Garys next apt is Dec 11th and I worry everyday 'what if' they say the same the other doctor said, oh my Lord please let this bad dream we are stuck in stop soon .The song below just about says it all for how we feel.
I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away,Stepped in to save the day,, but once again, I say amen and its still raining. Well as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain "I'm with you." And as your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. .....Praise you in the storm by Casting Crowns

Lord give us both a renewed fight so that we can make it thru this journey and come out victorious.

Hard day today

I struggled a lot with fatigue and pain today. December 11 seems so far away and the easy path would be to just give up, but I"m not going to do that! I am determined, but the temptation is there I will confess. But I have a beautiful wife, three precious little girls to see to adulthood, and a future ministry that God has shown me. Lord, help me today to resist temptation and to hold fast to Your truth and Your report. You are Jehovah-Rophe, the God Who Heals. Praise be to Your name!

A synopsis of the last 4 months

Four months and 5 days ago my life changed dramatically. The man of my dreams my partner in life and ministry called me from work, he got the test results from his cat scan back and it showed cancer. CANCER where did that come from that was the last thing I was expecting.
It took me a month to be able to even say the word "cancer". I was'nt prepared for that diagnosis and I was'nt prepared for the torrent of emotions that that phone call brings. A week latter I brought him to his first oncology apt the butterflies in our stomach that day were roughly the size of hippos. I had posted on my facebook page about the apt and how afraid we were and a friend wrote back and said remember that satan comes to steal kill and destroy and the first thing he wants to steal is our joy. That is exactly what we needed to hear at the moment we now knew we had a long journey ahead of us and we needed to make a choice were we going to allow satan to steal our joy away. Satan can attack (and boy has he ever in every way) but we have the choice to look at circumstance or look to God and find some way to smile.
I would love to say that after that day I made my choice to look only to God and his promises and never doubt but I cant. There were days I would wake up strong and happy but by lunch I was in tears worrying about the "what ifs ". I would catch myself looking at Gary just so I could make sure that every inch of his face was etched into my mind so just in case the worst happen I would never forget.
We went thru several doctors and a ton of tests and 2 bone biopsies and finally some of our worst fears were realized he had Neuroendocrine cancer that had metastasised to the bone. And the last oncologist he saw told us that in his opinion he had only 2 to 3 years to live. My heart hurts even typing this. We were crushed emotionally so tired and in complete disbelief how can this healthy 40 year old be slowly dying in front of me. My kids how am I going to tell them. I would be a widow before I am 40 raising 3 teenage girls by myself . We completely fell apart that weekend sneaking away to cry in each others arms taking moments away by our self to cry out to God for help. We wondered what are we going to do. God gave us an amazing primary care doctor that called Gary that Sunday night and reminded him that doctors are not God that only God knew if he would live or die and He had his days numbered from the beginning of time. He helped us fight thru insurance red tape and got Gary an apt at a cancer clinic with a doctor that specializes in his type of cancer in Tampa. The last couple of months the storms in our life often roared so loud that hearing Gods voice was near impossible, so God found ways to break thru all that noise. In the last 4 months I have seen probably 10 of the most amazing rainbows I have ever seen and God would remind me that a rainbow is a symbol of Gods promise and HE promised he would NEVER leave or forsake us. Every time my heart was troubled and I got in my car and I mean EVERY TIME the Chris Tomlin song "I will rise" came on the radio. In that song there is a line that says (aprox) there will come a day when the clouds will be pushed away and my faith will be my eyes. I am believing my husband will be healed and we will live a long happy life together and I cannot wait for that day that my faith will be my eyes. Until that day I will run beside this awesome man I married and we will help each other on this journey with Gods help and the love and support of our church family our family and our myriad of friends.

Cancer update - 11/5

Well, I had my upper endoscopy and abdominal ultrasound yesterday. Both tests came back negative as the GI oncologist had thought.