Put my money where my mouth is

God got onto me today about not living in my heart as I'm speaking with my lips. With my lips, I'm proclaiming my healing and believing God for 40+ more years of life and ministry.

God has placed a vision in my heart that I will be a healing psalmist who will write worship songs that bring healing and wholeness to those who hear. I have a vision of a worship ministry leading people into the healing and delivering presence of God.

God won't show me everything up front, but He gave me three steps to get started: 1) Buy a guitar, 2) take lessons, and 3) practice on it until you get good on it. I've done #1 and #2, but struggling with #3. God dealt with me about the why today.

One thing is true. I have been more fatigued lately than normal. I don't know if it's because of the cancer or the cold I've had, the medicines I'm taking, or a combination of all of them, but I definitely have not had the stamina I once had. It has really bummed me out.

I have not been practicing my guitar like I should be, and God told me today that, in my heart, I'm thinking, "What's the use?" as though it won't matter in the end. How can I be so double minded? I'm ashamed of myself. Either I believe that God has healed me or I don't. I feel like such a faithless heathen today. I need to stay with the guitar and learn it as my first instrument of praise and worship to God, but I've been walking around in a hopeless fog. I keep hearing the one negative voice of the awful doctor who gave me 2-3 years. Between that and this long wait until I can be seen by the neuroendocrine oncologist at Moffitt in Tampa is really getting to me. I've been fighting depression and a hopeless feeling, but thank the Lord, my faith is rising up.

I will continue to fight these thoughts and fears and to press ahead into the ministry that God has laid out for me that is starting even now and will continue after my healing. This has been a hard fight and isn't letting up, but God is strengthening me. He does not condemn, He convicts. He has reminded me that my heart must be in line with my mouth and my confession.

Lord, forgive me when I have given into hopeless thoughts and feelings. I know I'm in Your hand, Father. Help me to endure during this difficult time for me and for us. You are the Master. You are sovereign. I yield everything to you. Thank you that I am healed in the name of Jesus! Amen!