Gary's infusion went well today (I will post pics) but he had a really tough day today. He is struggling with a lower energy level and I know it is hard to get used to a new normal for a man. My heart breaks for him he tries so hard. I know very soon he is going to HAVE to begin on disability he is only holding on now because of my lack of ability to get a good paying Job, I have no real skills. I wish 2010 would start quietly but it doesn't look like it will. I need some serious Godly inspiration so I can allow him the time he needs to stop work and heal. We barely survive on his whole salary I just feel so helpless I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years so what skills I did have were long since antiquated.

Oh God Help me to be the helpmate that Gary needs right now emotionally and financially. And give me the strength to be strong for him. And Lord give him the strength to fight this cancer and win with your help....

Gary goes this morning for his first infusion of Zometa a drug that will help strengthen his bones. He found a nice Oncology practice here in town that will work with Moffitt and do the treatment they prescribe. The countdown for Tampa gets going now ,16 days till they tell us specific type and treatment options. I know if we believe the report of the Lord Moffits report should be no big deal. But it is I guess we really want them to be at least hope full for him past two more Christmases. They seem to be a place that breads hope in their patients so PLEASE GOD let them be hopeful for Gary's treatment. I know the more desperate your situation the greater Gods glory. God keeps reminding me of Gideon since I am such a huge fan of fleeces :) His army had to get down to the "no way on earth" level before God led him to victory well we have been at the "will only survive if it he gets a miracle" for the last couple of months when does the miracle come :(

Lord help me on the days I get discouraged to NEVER loose site of you and your promises !!!

The New year coming

Christmas is now over and it was AMAZING!!! We had such a wonderful time and the cancer didn't bother the festivities too much. Gary had to take a couple of naps but hey I had to take one this afternoon after Cassie busted in our room screaming MERRY CHRISTMAS, I did not know whether to hug her or smack her silly :)
On the way home from my in laws it kinda hit me that the new year is soon approaching and the new year brings both hope for treatment and a cure and fear that it will bring treatment and trials. Changes will happen in our daily life with me returning to college (not sure how I am going to juggle that too) and the possibility Gary will have to go on disability and the thought that we will have to make due on HALF his salary and at best any job I could get would never even make up a half of the half. This year was so difficult coming to grips with the word cancer becoming part of our daily vocabulary. Helping kids thru the thought that daddy might not be here for future Christmas's (we are FERVENTLY praying he will be here for 40 more!!).
This has been a serious wild ride of a year and I have to admit I am a little scared at the wild ride 2010 promises.

Lord I pray not only for the Love of my Life but also for the Love of others lives that are battling Cancer and I pray this year you will pour your PEACE over all of us and supernaturally inspire some doctor to find a CURE for ALL cancer so NO other wife will cry and no other child will have to loose the magic of childhood early again!!!!

Always Enough a song from Casting Crown ( a cd Gary bought me for Christmas)

In a dry and weary land Lord, you are the rain. In a sea of shattered ones,Your love is rushing in. You hold the world in your hands and see each tear that falls. Through every fire and every storm Your ALWAYS ENOUGH .....

2009

Tonight on the way home from picking up a huge blessing from somone we sat and talked about 2009. I said how I told people at church I am so thrilled 2009 will be in the recordbooks soon and how I hoped 2010 will be so much better. I even quoted Colonel Potter from MASH (and gave Gary a corinary cause I qouted it with the explitive) about next year being better and giving us peace. Then on the way home I crossed a bridge and there was the most beautiful sunset with rays streaming thru the clouds, those sunsets are my favorite. God told me that 2009 is like this sunset the clouds of past storms still loom on the horizon and threaten to unleash their power again but thru the clouds the SON is filtered out and spread out in greater beauty and area then if the storms where not there. That is so true 2009 has been stinky with Gary and I taking our turns at mini breakdowns worrying about come what may but thru that God has shown himself so mighty thru oportunities for us to bless others or people blessing us. We have been provided for so supernaturally this year, it is so awsome. Our kids will have a better Christmas thanks to those blessings!! So as Christmas comes and 2010 is on the horizon thank you Lord for the clouds of 2009 that made your SON shine brighter in our lives!!!!

Thank God for the Body of Christ

Gary and I went to church very down today. (We spent most of saterday sobbing in eachothers arms realling from the news that the cancer may have spread.) As soon as we walked thru the doors of the church God just wrapped us up in HIS love thru conversations with friends, worship songs that seem to have been written to fit our life EXACTLY, a powerful sermon preached right at us, to the powerful prayers of the saints to warm hugs. Today was such an amazing shot in the arm for us, people who honestly are believing with us for Garys healing and encouraging us not to loose hope. People who will never know this side of heaven how much their words mean to us (unless they read this BLOG : ) ) Thank you so much to all the people who speak into our lives when the battle seems to crush us you all come along to help us up and keep fighting Thank You times ten million...

Cancer update 12/19 - It Is Well with My Soul

As I've mentioned here, starting last Saturday, I developed an intense pain in my upper left chest. The pain ran pretty much from the left breast around my ribs close to my left shoulder blade on my back. I have had this pain there before and had a stress test and chest x-rays done and nothing was found. It was attributed to muscular pain. It was a nuisance but generally not unbearable and usually went away after a day or two.

This time, the pain was almost unbearable -- far worse than any pain I've had in my pelvis, and Lortab hardly made a dent in it, and it wasn't going away. I went to see my PCP on Tuesday and he prescribed me Percocet, which is an even more powerful pain killer than Lortab. It has seemed to do the trick at keeping the pain at bay, but the side effects have been worse than Lortab. I've been more fatigued and loopy than usual (which I didn't think was possible :) ).

My PCP said that insurance wouldn't approve another CAT scan with a CAT scan already approved for 1/14, so he sent me for a chest and rib x-ray instead. I had that done on Thursday. The results came back this morning and the doctor gave me a call. The good news is that the x-ray shows nothing on my ribs and my lungs are fine. This is where the pain is, so nothing bone-related. He thinks it is likely muscular again, probably something I pulled. The pain has been lessening, so that's good. Hopefully I can go back to just Lortab soon.

The cause for concern does not appear to be related to this pain, but may just be a coincidence that showed up, but on the x-ray, a "sclerotic" area was noted on my left upper humerus (upper arm bone) close to my shoulder. The report says that it is unclear whether this is arthritis, something benign, or another cancerous lesion like the ones on my pelvis. The only way to truly know would be to biopsy this, which I would rather not go through again unless it's absolutely necessary. Since this area didn't show up on the octreatide scan which was full body, my primary said it's really not possible to give me an accurate diagnosis of what this area is.

Judge Not! An inspiring yet convicting story

God used an event recently to teach me a lesson about judging. Before heading up to Valdosta last Thursday, I needed to pop by a gas station to top off my gas, check and fill my tires, and check my oil. I stopped at the gas station and saw that a big lawn service truck was at the air pump. They had a big trailer hitched to a pickup and the trailer was big enough to house it appeared three or four lawn tractors. They were bringing each tractor out one by one and checking and filling the tires. I decided to get gas first to give them time to finish, but when I was done pumping, they still weren’t done. These were some unsavory looking characters. I sometimes get mad at lawn service trucks because they block the roads and some of them act like they own the neighborhood. I was getting frustrated because I was in a hurry to get home and they were holding me up. In my heart I thought, “God, I really hate lawn services!”

I felt God basically tell me to stop fretting and to just pull behind them and wait for the pump to free up. I was just sitting there trying to be as patient as I could, when the most unsavory looking of the bunch walked up to my window: A big black guy with tattoos on both arms, both legs, and his neck with a bandana around his head with skulls on it. If I had seen this guy on the street, I probably would have avoided him. He walks up and taps on my window. I rolled it down and he says, “Are you waiting for the vacuum or air?” I told him the air but to go ahead and I would wait. He then says, “No we’re going to be a minute. My co-worker needs to run into the store here. I would be happy to fill your tires for you.” I was surprised. I told him he didn’t have to do that but he insisted. He went around to each and every tire and checked each thoroughly and brought them up to the right pressure. When he finished, I felt compelled to give him something but didn’t have any cash on me. I just went to shake his hand to thank him and he shook my hand and patted the back of my hand with his other hand and said, “God bless you! Merry Christmas!”

Superman vision (pun intended)

God gave me an interesting vision the other day. What's strange sometimes is that God uses scenes from movies or TV shows I've seen to drive home a point. For instance, right after I first learned I had cancer, I was crying out to God, when I pictured a scene from Disney's Aladdin. In that scene, Aladdin and Jasmine are jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid the palace guards who are trying to arrest them. They finally reach the edge of one roof and it's too far to cross. Jasmine looks worried when Aladdin holds out his hand and says, "Do you trust me?" She says "yes", they jump off the building, land on a canopy and are safe. God was telling me to trust Him because He has healed me.

I digress. That was just an example. The vision I had the other day was this. I had just met with the GI doctor who was going to do my colonoscopy and he started to talk about my cancer. He knew a lot about it, just evidently that there is a rare aggressive form. He was telling me that a few cancer cells may linger for years before they metastasize somewhere else. People often have this for years and never know it.

An answer from God I wasnt a huge fan of!!!

This has been an extra HARD week for us Gary has been dealing with yet another cold and he has a new place in his ribs and back that is causing him pain. When we went to the doctor at Moffitt he told us about the aggressive form of the cancer Gary has and with this new pain we both worry that the aggressive form is what he has ; ( I spent the last week pleading with God for it not to be the aggressive form because the aggressive survival rate is like zero. As I prayed God reminded me of Gideon that He widdled Gideon's army down to the "there is no hope" level THEN God did a miracle and helped them win the battle. I am not sure if that was Gods way of preparing me to hear aggressive when we go back or not. I do know I HAVE to trust in you Lord even if my worst possible nightmare happens and I loose the LOVE of my life you will be there and take care of him and me.. God I trust you with it all!!!!

:(

Today Gary has come down with his second cold since Thanksgiving : ( When people say this cancer thing is a roller coaster they aren't lying!!!! I have been pretty much useless lately too my knee (I had surgery on in October) has been swelling great big and hurting very badly. We missed our appointment to get our family portrait done yesterday because I was running late and Gary just didn't have the energy to get us to the location, he slept most of the evening because he felt so badly. The kids hung the outside lights up today while I supervised and we put together the tree. I told them we cant light it or put ornaments on till daddy is with us!! This thing is so hard on our whole family Cassie is trying to man up and be my help when daddy cant and the other two are just crying to have things back to normal. They all agreed their best gift would be daddy well again!! God has shown Himself so faithful to us I really cant complain so I wont I just pray God that you will give this family strength to face the road ahead because right now we are running low...

hope

It is late on a sat night so I wont go to much in depth on this weekend but to sum it up in the word HOPE. The doctors really didn't tell him anything except for the spots in his Ilium are Benign but what they did say is that there are sub categories of his cancer and certain treatments work on certain cancers. That tells me that the doctor that limited his life to 2 to 3 years didn't really know what he was talking about. As soon as we entered Moffitt we felt this immense HOPE flow from everyone to the valet attendant ( valet parking how cool : ) to the nurses and doctors. We would pick up a phamplet and there would be something about trusting in faith and even the computer screens asked "will this be the day (they cure cancer)" When we came into this weekend I prayed that GOD would replace those horrible words from the last doctor and give us simple "hope" and he did!! Hope that we are in the right place to facilitate the care that Gary needs to survive. Thank you God for HOPE!!! It is something we were running very low on!!

Cancer update - 12/12

Well the big day came and went and was not as much of a rousing round of success as I would have hoped. I must say that the Moffitt Center itself was wonderful. Their whole mission is based on hope, and everything about the environment and atmosphere there was very hopeful, friendly, and positive.

Cancer update - 12/8

Well the colonoscopy/ileoscopy (which I found out is actually called a lower enteroscopy) went off well yesterday. I slept most of the day yesterday so I'm just getting the update out today.

Yesterday Gary had his colonoscopy and they think they found the primary source of his cancer in his illium (this is a good thing). The poor guy has been poked and prodded and scanned so much the last couple of months, I pray this is it for a while.
I never realized how hard the waiting room can be. I have had a lot of medical issues in my life and never fully appreciated the pain that comes while you wait. I really appreciate my inlaws coming and keeping my mind occupied. And a dear lady from our church who not only watched my kids gave them an awsome afternoon.
This time in our life has been NUTS and very exhausting but one thing I can say is God has been with us the whole time providing spiritually with prayers from saints and signs He is with us like rainbows. To financially in many unique ways.
I was up at 4 am this morning got on facebook (what else do you do at 4am lol) and no one was on then a chat window opened and a dear friend I guess was awaken just long enough to pray for me over chat. How cool is that. Anxious how we were going to pay to stay in a hotel in Tampa God lays it on a family members heart to help. God is so COOL!!
Thank you all for your continued prayers and check friday and see if I figure out how to update my blog from my phone. The laptop is next on our wish list but until then thank God for internet capable phones ( my hubby dosent thank God for me knowing how to take a pic and post it to facebook instantly but others do ;)

Our Journey so far

Thank you all for continually praying for this family we so appreciate it. Prayer does work Gary woke up with a horrible migraine and I posted please pray on my Facebook and within 5 min he was asleep. We honestly could not have come this far in our journey without all your warm wishes, prayers and my favorite....hugs.
I pray you all have the best week you ever had :) and as always we will keep you posted next week will be a busy week treatment wise.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Cancer update - 12/2

Well after a failed appointment Monday where I waited 45 minutes at the office just to be told the results weren’t yet available (grrrrr!), the second time was the charm and I saw the doctor this afternoon.

My esophagus, stomach, and the first 2/3 of my small intestine all show up fine; however, there are lesions in either the lower third of the small intestine (called the ileum), or the first part of the colon (the cecum, ascending, and part of the transverse colon). With the capsule endoscopy, exact location is difficult to discern and there was some disagreement between several radiologists of whether this was in the small or large intestine, but it does have these areas narrowed down to the lower end instead of the upper end.

10 day count down and counting my blessings

Well it has been a very LONG week Gary continues to go up and down health wise. Thanksgiving was declared not horrible but pretty close by our children. But you know through the darkest times God still sends glimmers of blessing. It seems everyday there is a new blessing from a friend offering his talents to bless with a family portrait ( something we havent had for 9 years) to my sister picking up the doll that Merry fell to her knees and PLEADED with God to tell Santa. It is so easy to just slip into depression and just want to crawl in a hole but as some say we are trying to choose to flourish. It has been so amazing the love and prayers we have recieved from people and the blessing that come a new everyday. Thank Lord for answering our plea to hold onto us even when we are so tired that we cant hold onto you.

Another blessing is that our trip to Moffitt is only 10 days away and hopefuly that will be the begining of some treatment and moving forward for this family. We are so tired of standing still and allowing this cancer to seemingly overcome us.
Thank you dear friends for holding us up during the last few months we could not have done it without you..

"I praise the one who paid my debt who raised this life up from the dead" This is a line from one of the worship songs at church this morning. How appropriate for how I was feeling today. This week has been so very hard with taking Gary to the ER and having him in so much pain that all I could do is hold him and pray, nothing was helping him. Thank God the Virus that he has is just about worked out of his system but the soul tiredness I have is still there. I went to church today with the girls and left Gary home and for some reason I felt sad all morning. Is this what my future holds sitting in church alone looking at other couples hug and kiss and wanna cry cause the one I kiss and hug isn't there. I know that is silly he was just at home but the fear of him loosing this battle with cancer and leaving me alone just hit very hard today. That is when this song played and the phrase "raise this life up from the dead" means more than physical death. There is far worse than physical death. There is a spiritual death that happens when you are dealing with things like cancer or other serious life threatening diseases. To stand by helplessly and watch someone who you would gladly trade places with go through so much pain and you cant do anything something inside starts to die. I raised my hands this morning praising the God who paid the price and who raises THIS life up from the grave. He is there to hold and comfort Gary and he is there to hold and comfort me and I just have to let him.

Lord thank you for taking my fears, worries,anxieties and cancer and nailing them to the cross and I surrender to you to take this life and raises it up from the dead for your glory!!!

I am so tired

Gary had an Capsule endoscopy this week. A test where you swallow a pill with a camera in it and lets just say nature takes care of it in the end. He had to wear a harness all day tuesday and tuesday night once the test was over he began to run a temperature and had a rapid heart rate. It got a little better after a good night sleep but once he woke up his symptoms got dramatically worse and he had massive joint pain so we had another trip to the ER. It turns out they believe he has the flu but this now keeps us from leaving to go to atlanta for thanksgiving and dissapointed the kids once again. It seems like the last 6 months has been filled with so many tests on my precious hubby and countless dissapointments for my kids and multiple sessions with the kids helping them cope. I can honestly say the saying "God dosent put more on you than you can handle is hooey!!!"  He just promises to be there to help you hold on!!         
GOD please give us a calm in the storm help us please!!!!!!!! Help heal all the dissapointments and sadness. We are so very tired God please please give us your blessed rest.

The Kick-Butt Angel

I wish I could find a better term to describe this, but it's the best I could come up with. Tuesday morning (11/23), I was awakened with a gasp at 5:30 in the morning by what I thought was a nightmare.

My heart broke into a million peices last night. Cassie sat with her Daddy and confessed to him that she has battled depression and she even found herself questioning God. I thought I had done a better job at sheilding them from the full brunt of this stress. We were honest with them on most of the things going on. She told us that the confusion and lack of structure that all the doctors apt has really stressed her out. Oh man now I feel like a bad mother I am trying so hard!! I want her childhood to be happy I always have taken pride in the fact that people tell me that her and her sisters are really neat because they are kids and not 8 going on 18.
Oh Lord help me know how to handle these precious children that you have put in my care. Right now God I feel like I cant even handle my own emotions much less hers. Be more real to her and her sisters during this time and show yourself to them in such a mighty way that they will NEVER doubt you are there and passionatly loving them so much better than mortal mom can!!

Fighting the urge to retreat inward this holiday season

The Sunday before Thanksgiving we have not made plans on where to go. We originally were going to head to Atlanta to my sisters house and take part in all the cool Christmas festivities up there but finances are not letting us do that
: ( 
Even if we went up there I am struggling with wanting to grab my little family and my sweet man and retreat into solitude for the next couple of weeks. I know that Thanksgiving is for all your family but I only worry about loosing Gary and I dont want to share him with anyone. I get mad at myself for thinking like this because it is rooted in the fear of only having a couple of Thanksgivings left with him not believing that God will heal him and it is killing me.
My girls are showing the burden of this as well I got my middle daughters list to santa (she dosent really still believe but she thinks why spoil a good thing :) and at the end it had a sincere apology for being bad and asked santa to forgive her because it has been a really tough year. Oh man how am I going to get thru this season, I want to make sure that the kids have peaceful fun Christmas but so many medical bills are coming due and so much is breaking in our home that there isnt a whole bunch of money left, but memories are what I am after not gifts.
Dear Most Awsome God of Peace not confusion
I am an emotional skitzo and need your help Lord to have a right mind and heart as I enter the season that I love so much. Help us Lord to build new memories and new traditions this year, ones we can enjoy even when Daddy dosent have cancer. And Happy almost Birthday Jesus :)

Cancer update - 11/20

Well after a lot of discussions and fussing back and forth between my primary and Moffitt, I was given the green light to meet with a local gastroenterologist who is qualified to do both a colonoscopy and an ileoscopy (scope of the ileum -- the final third of the small intestine leading into the colon). I had a consultation with him this afternoon.

A good word in season on my husbands facebook page

Prophecy Bulletin 11- 20-09 The way is clear, the door is open. Go forth with confidence and assurance, for I am with you, says the Lord. It is time for you to possess all that has been prepared for you. Do not be afraid or doubt that you have been set aside for My purposes at this time and for this season. Yield to th...e moving of My Spirit,and I will cause you to actualize your kingdom potential. Josh 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

put on his page by a dear old friend. Thank you Lord for dear old friends and social networking sites that bring them back into our lives at just the right time :)

my prayer

Lord as the storms of life seem to be blowing so strong I fear that I will not be able to stand, help me to remember your promises. The storms of worry and strife threaten to drown out your voice. Please Lord hold onto my family and me tighter than our weak hands can hold onto you!!

Put my money where my mouth is

God got onto me today about not living in my heart as I'm speaking with my lips. With my lips, I'm proclaiming my healing and believing God for 40+ more years of life and ministry.

A Normal Day

My Kids were getting ready for camp and my middle one told me I cant wait to go to camp and get away from the stress in life and I thought HELLO your 11 what stress do you have? She replied "it will just be nice to have a weekend without worrying about Daddy having Cancer" :(. I am glad to say she had just that she came home red faced and exhausted from all the fun. I have to admit we had fun too we had a whole Saturday out where cancer came up once and that was just joking saying "if we told him you have terminal cancer maybe he would give you a discount on the bed we bought". That felt so nice we felt normal again for one day. The next day Gary woke up in pain on both hips and all those fears came flooding back. Oh Lord help me to keep those fears in check and help us to have more days like Saturday. And Lord help us figure out how to help the kids with their stress.

one day without the "c" word

Cancer not only invades a persons body but it invades their thoughts,their family,their finances. I know we have only begun this journey but I am all ready so tired. Everyday there is something new a new test a new doctor anther day to watch your husband get an IV and then be sedated, another 2 hour wait in a room praying they don't find something bad. Another bill that must be paid before the next step which means things get sacrificed, Thanksgiving with family or even Christmas gifts. God I feel like I am about to crack into a million pieces please Lord help me have a strength better than my own. Help me to be the light to my family help me be the strength for my husband please!!

Holidays

I realized last night as I was sitting in my moms meeting when listening to all the amazing advice on your marriage that I really have an amazing marriage, we are not perfect and obviously our life is not. But as I head into this Thanksgiving I am so THANKFUL to my sweet amazing husband that is always there for my kids,myself and his entire family. Gary Robert Schriver you are an amazing man and I thank God for you everyday.
Another thing as we start the Holiday season I am going to have to force myself to enjoy the season and not catch myself thinking is this the last Thanksgiving we will have together. This will be hard at times because Dec 11th we have to take Gary down to the Neuro endocrine oncologist so that apt could put a real damper or happy tone to the Holidays. And I know regardless of what they say I have to remember what God said he  is the one who hold Garys future in His hands not the docs.  
No one is guarenteed another minute we are all terminal so deep breathe holidays here I come.

Fears

Last night Gary told me he had a very tough day and strugled hard with just feeling like giving up. I held him and encouraged him but on the inside it scared me to death. He is lirerally in the fight of his life, how do I help him keep the fight. How do you do this, how do you stay strong for him, my children, extended family and friends when all you really want to do is sit in the corner and cry. So much has happened in the last couple of months that there are days when numb is about all I feel. There is a saying that people have told me that God will not put more on me than I can handle, yeah right I passed that pont about 2 weeks ago : )
Garys next apt is Dec 11th and I worry everyday 'what if' they say the same the other doctor said, oh my Lord please let this bad dream we are stuck in stop soon .The song below just about says it all for how we feel.
I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away,Stepped in to save the day,, but once again, I say amen and its still raining. Well as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain "I'm with you." And as your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. .....Praise you in the storm by Casting Crowns

Lord give us both a renewed fight so that we can make it thru this journey and come out victorious.

Hard day today

I struggled a lot with fatigue and pain today. December 11 seems so far away and the easy path would be to just give up, but I"m not going to do that! I am determined, but the temptation is there I will confess. But I have a beautiful wife, three precious little girls to see to adulthood, and a future ministry that God has shown me. Lord, help me today to resist temptation and to hold fast to Your truth and Your report. You are Jehovah-Rophe, the God Who Heals. Praise be to Your name!

A synopsis of the last 4 months

Four months and 5 days ago my life changed dramatically. The man of my dreams my partner in life and ministry called me from work, he got the test results from his cat scan back and it showed cancer. CANCER where did that come from that was the last thing I was expecting.
It took me a month to be able to even say the word "cancer". I was'nt prepared for that diagnosis and I was'nt prepared for the torrent of emotions that that phone call brings. A week latter I brought him to his first oncology apt the butterflies in our stomach that day were roughly the size of hippos. I had posted on my facebook page about the apt and how afraid we were and a friend wrote back and said remember that satan comes to steal kill and destroy and the first thing he wants to steal is our joy. That is exactly what we needed to hear at the moment we now knew we had a long journey ahead of us and we needed to make a choice were we going to allow satan to steal our joy away. Satan can attack (and boy has he ever in every way) but we have the choice to look at circumstance or look to God and find some way to smile.
I would love to say that after that day I made my choice to look only to God and his promises and never doubt but I cant. There were days I would wake up strong and happy but by lunch I was in tears worrying about the "what ifs ". I would catch myself looking at Gary just so I could make sure that every inch of his face was etched into my mind so just in case the worst happen I would never forget.
We went thru several doctors and a ton of tests and 2 bone biopsies and finally some of our worst fears were realized he had Neuroendocrine cancer that had metastasised to the bone. And the last oncologist he saw told us that in his opinion he had only 2 to 3 years to live. My heart hurts even typing this. We were crushed emotionally so tired and in complete disbelief how can this healthy 40 year old be slowly dying in front of me. My kids how am I going to tell them. I would be a widow before I am 40 raising 3 teenage girls by myself . We completely fell apart that weekend sneaking away to cry in each others arms taking moments away by our self to cry out to God for help. We wondered what are we going to do. God gave us an amazing primary care doctor that called Gary that Sunday night and reminded him that doctors are not God that only God knew if he would live or die and He had his days numbered from the beginning of time. He helped us fight thru insurance red tape and got Gary an apt at a cancer clinic with a doctor that specializes in his type of cancer in Tampa. The last couple of months the storms in our life often roared so loud that hearing Gods voice was near impossible, so God found ways to break thru all that noise. In the last 4 months I have seen probably 10 of the most amazing rainbows I have ever seen and God would remind me that a rainbow is a symbol of Gods promise and HE promised he would NEVER leave or forsake us. Every time my heart was troubled and I got in my car and I mean EVERY TIME the Chris Tomlin song "I will rise" came on the radio. In that song there is a line that says (aprox) there will come a day when the clouds will be pushed away and my faith will be my eyes. I am believing my husband will be healed and we will live a long happy life together and I cannot wait for that day that my faith will be my eyes. Until that day I will run beside this awesome man I married and we will help each other on this journey with Gods help and the love and support of our church family our family and our myriad of friends.

Cancer update - 11/5

Well, I had my upper endoscopy and abdominal ultrasound yesterday. Both tests came back negative as the GI oncologist had thought.

Cancer update - 10/20

I had the last part of my octreatide scan today and my first meeting with the medical oncologist. The scans took a long time but were not a big deal.

The doctor wants to run some more tests against the biopsy samples. A lot of what he said was medical gobbledygook that I didn't fully follow, but essentially. he wants to run what he called a "c-kit" test to determine if the type of neuroendocrine tumors I have may be either something called GIST (which I looked up and it stands for Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumor) which is treatable and to eliminate myeloid leukemia as a possibility. Since my white counts have all been normal, I don't see how the latter could be possible. He wants to run some special blood tests that tests for certain "exons". He said an exon is a section of a gene. Since cancer is a cell mutation, if certain exons are the mutated ones, that indicates GIST. He also wants me to have an upper endoscopy done to check for GIST.

Cancer update - 10/16

Well I finally got an appointment with the medical oncologist scheduled for Tuesday, October 20 at 9:00 a.m. in Gainesville.

Cancer update - 10/5

My dad and I went to see the gastroenterology oncologist today. He says that since neuroendocrine tumors are metastatic by nature, our first course of action is to identify the primary source. This is usually the last part of the small intestine, but it can be elsewhere in the GI tract or on the lungs. I need to have an octreatide scan to help identify this. He says in some cases, the primary source is never identified, but that generally in those cases, chemotherapy would affect the primary source. If the octreatide scan reveals nothing, then a colonoscopy will be ordered. I had one back in January 2008 that showed nothing, but he said something could have come up since then. I've had some colon issues recently so that he said that he may elect to do the colonoscopy anyway even if the octreatide scan shows up something. He's not sure.

Health update - Cancer

I got the call from the orthopedic oncologist today. The results are not good. The results came back as neuroendocrine tumors which are malignant. The doctor let me know that this type of cancer is very rare and is outside of his area of expertise, so he was not able to give me too much information.

Cindy's sketch: Cassie and me at the altar

Cindy doesn't want me to share this picture with you because she thinks it looks silly, but it really touched me deeply. It was a quick sketch but I love what it conveys and I wanted to share it with everyone.

This morning during praise and worship, my 10-year-old daughter Cassie went up to the altar to pray by herself. She sometimes goes up to the altar when I do to pray over others and sometimes to pray with me, but she's never gone up by herself to pray before.

Health update - 9/9

I heard back from the orthopedic oncology nurse today finally on my bone scan. The results are “very encouraging”. She says that the doctors have conferred with the radiologist and they agree that there is little to no uptake on the scans, pointing towards the lesions being part of a benign process! Praise the Lord!

Health update

Well, we're finally home after over 12 hours away in Gainesville! This has not been a red letter day for us, mainly because of Baptist South's negligence and my first oncologist's unprofessionalism. Unrelenting rain didn't help any either. It literally rained the entire time we were there. Cindy slipped on the wet pavement and hurt her ankle and her knee which was already hurting. Pray for her. We were definitely very glad to get out of there today.

Initial biopsy update - NOT!

Well, after the five-hour ordeal yesterday, I got a call from the oncologist today that the results are inconclusive. He said they should have talked to me yesterday, but evidently they had to use a hammer to try to extract bone tissue and were not successful. They evidently thought they had a sufficient sample but didn't. They commented to the oncologist that I had some of the hardest bones they had ever seen. I have all the luck!

First Biopsy Update

Well I made it through the biopsy just fine. I got there before 8:30 and ended up not going back until after 10. Hospitals! The biopsy took about 50 minutes and they had to give me three doses of sedation. I wasn't completely knocked out. It was supposed to be "twilight", but it took that much to get me into the twilight. I slept for a few hours afterward and was discharged at around 1:30.

Initial report

I want to fill everyone in on the latest. I think I'm far enough along in the process to share more details with you on what's going on with me.

Six or seven weeks ago, I began to get an acute pain in my right hip and pelvic area. I put off going to the doctor about it for a few weeks thinking it would go away but it didn't, so I finally broke down and went to my primary. He ordered a pelvic CT scan to identify the source of the pain. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

I got a call from my primary the same day saying that the radiology report came back saying that appeared to be metastatic bone cancer of the pelvis extending from my right hip around my lumbar back to my left hip. He said we didn't know for sure but if it was cancer that we needed to jump on things quickly. This all happened last Thursday (8/6) afternoon, so we were terrified to say the least, but trusting God that He would see us through this. He is the Healer!

My primary ordered some special blood tests which came back negative for any cancer tags, so he said he wasn't sure what it was. It could be cancer or something called Paget's Disease, or some type of infection. He wasn't sure, so he referred me to an oncologist.

I went to see the oncologist on Monday who scheduled me for a full neck and abdominal CT scan yesterday. I just got a call this morning that he has reviewed the scan and sees NOTHING ANYWHERE ELSE except in the bone! Yes! This means nothing has metastasized from anywhere else which is 99% of the time where bone cancer comes from. Between that and the negative blood tests, the oncologist is stumped.

At this point he has ordered a biopsy to find out exactly what we're dealing with on the bone. I will be getting an appointment for that sometime today.

We're breathing a little easier this morning. God has seen us this far and will see us through. God is the Great Physician and can do far greater than any doctor. No matter what the report, we hold fast to the promises of God and trust in Him as my Healer. We will believe the Lord's report!